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Original poster

OMG son and porn what do i do???????

82 replies

motherhen1949 · 30/03/2013 15:13

Hi please don't judge me I just need some support.

right over the weekend my son has been away but left his phone at home as he only takes it if he's gonna be out alone (its not a Internet ready phone very basic btw) so husband was having a quick flick through his phone which we do now and again, oh finds a variation code for Goole straight way oh says this if for a email account.

so when ds gets back I confront him about a Hotmail account he admits it says he wanted to go one you tube, I made it clear that I didn't approve of this email account and demanded I view it (he started to looked very worried but gave the password ect when me and oh went on not only had some boy sent my ds 90 or so clips of porn(the manga carton kind)not that it makes it any betterConfused

also he had two people we didn't know one was a grown man Shock that that gotton to my son through the popular game website road block.

just to add before I get flamed we are not careless we the PC DOWNSTAIRS, IN THE KITCHEN WE ALSO HAVE PARENTAL CONTROLS WE HAVE AGE RESTRICTIONS AND ALSO A EMAIL ALRET SYSTEM COUPLE WITH A TIMER

THE mistakes we made were allowing dd to have a hour in the Morning when were having a lie in
and also the controls would not work on links sent to him via email Sad

I feel awful and I am going to give myself a Biscuit I really felt we had done all the safe guards

OP posts:
teacherlikesapples · 30/03/2013 16:01

Your overreaction here is likely to push him away from you, make him sneaky & lie to avoid any further discussion with you about this or anything even slightly similar. He is beginning to shape his sexual identity, developing his attitude towards women, porn & sex in general. You have an opportunity here to be less judgemental & more realistic to ensure he has a healthy & balanced attitude.

He is a teenage boy, it is pretty normal & natural for him to be curious & seek ways of experimenting, coping with his raging hormones.

You are in a powerful position, to avoid the shame & blame game. Instead acknowledge what is happening to him & help him find safe & appropriate ways to deal with it.

Could you (or more ideally his Dad) have a frank & non judgemental discussion about why porn can be a problem- the way it portrays women & sex in general etc... The dangers of randomly clicking links (could be illegal or contain abusive or particularly nasty videos) You could discuss the exploitive sex industry . A winning argument is to also discuss the implications on his health (research links excessive porn use with sexual dysfunction etc...)

If you make blanket statements about porn being evil etc... That is not going to match with his experiences, so he will dismiss what you are saying. If you instead have a rational discussion about better alternatives & specifically why porn is not a great option you might have more luck.

I like Dan Savage (he is not everyone's cup of tea because of his brash language, but hopefully you can see through that to the point he is making www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=15085111

cricketballs · 30/03/2013 16:01

first off - breath! As others have said it is a natural curiosity at this age to look (especially when they hear some wild tales at school!).

The 'grown men' emailing I would imagine is perfectly innocent as these games are played by all ages and I know the games my DS play need 'friends' for extra lives etc and they are just working as a team and maybe requesting extra help. And, again, as others have said teenagers will always find a route behind the blocking.

I don't understand your stance against a hotmail address though as it is just an online email which in reality is required for many of microsoft's products and services

The actions you have taken however could result in your DS being the victim of bullying when he is back in school as it was a total humiliating thing to do to him and I do believe that you just need to sit down and talk when you have calmed down, but be prepared for the fallout in 2 weeks time

ParmaViolette · 30/03/2013 16:02

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LineRunner · 30/03/2013 16:04

My DS is 14 and yes I have talked to him about the vile misogyny in manga porn - you are right about that genre Parma.

Like Nebulous says, better to talk and try to set boundaries.

We can't stuff it all back in Pandora's Box, sadly. We just have to give our teens the skills to manage it somehow. Scary.

TrippingTheLifeFantastic · 30/03/2013 16:06

Nebulous, my profile is right. My ds is only 13 months old. This is why I felt so bad about my posts sounding judgmental. I have no clue about life with a teenage boy!

UnChartered · 30/03/2013 16:08

i can remember the absolute horror i felt finding a picture of Pamela Anderson under DS1s pillow

so many realisations called into play all at once - i took the 'if you're going to look at pictures of women, please choose ones who aren't surgically enhanced'

not sure if that was Grin or [just fucking stupid]

Original poster
motherhen1949 · 30/03/2013 16:09

parmaViolette

one of the clips was a school looking girl being chased down a allyby a moster thing with what looked like probes i am sure you can guess the rest

the thing is he was not searching for this stuff weather he ask them to be sent or they just said hey man look at this but its just Confused

OP posts:
TheNebulousBoojum · 30/03/2013 16:09

I know that you are younger than my daughter parma, and that when I was younger, I thought dealing with raising teenagers would be much easier and uncomplicated than it turned out to be.
Sometimes there is more than one factor to consider, and how you deal with a complex mixture can seem odd to someone who isfar more sure of themselves, and less experienced in the reality.
Yes, porn bad
manga porn bad.

LineRunner · 30/03/2013 16:12

OP, my DS has always liked manga comics - the sort you can get in Waterstones, Yu-gi-oh type stuff - so I have a concern that they might search and go on related websites and the rest, as they say, is hysteria.

lovetomoan · 30/03/2013 16:14

Must be shocking, but I remember my brother had a screensaver with a 'lesbian' hentai theme at that age, we just laughed and he soon forgot about it and went onto having posters of JLo and Shakira instead [bugrin]

FreyaSnow · 30/03/2013 16:21

I do have a teenage son. I have a number of rules:

  1. No sending or receiving porn. There is obviously some law about sending indecent images to minors; these still apply if the sender is themselves a minor. There are laws about what it is and is not legal to view. Easiest way to avoid breaking the law is to not look at such images at all.
  2. Only play online games with your friends.
  3. No going on chat roulette, the cam version of omegle or similar (although omegle has just banned nudity from its under 18 cam chat and monitors it). No going on omegle text chat without using specific tags.
  4. Don't give out personal info or instantly believe people claiming to be other teenagers who contact him through his youtube channel.
  5. If I want to look at any of his messages on facebook etc, I can.

And DS is not bothered about these rules, because he knows there are some dodgy people on the internet.

So I think you need to set some reasonable rules and then expect them to be stuck to. But there's no point trying to control the internet and other users; you can only talk to your son and get him to use it is an appropriate manner.

ParmaViolette · 30/03/2013 16:23

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Flobbadobs · 30/03/2013 16:30

heysoulsister you have no idea how much of a mess my dyslexic DS made of the word 'vagina' Smile

LineRunner · 30/03/2013 16:37

parma I hate the porn industry. I do. But my DS will be even more damaged by it if I punish him for looking and/or I pretend it's not there. The bastard thing is there and I need to give him the skills somehow to deconstruct its manipulation of him.

That's not a pat on the head. It's rules, boundaries, and some of the most embarrassing conversations he's ever likely to have.

ParmaViolette · 30/03/2013 16:40

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trinity0097 · 30/03/2013 16:41

About 5 years ago I had to do PSHE with my Yr 8 form, as part of the sex ed topic we had to discuss where they found out info about sex, all but one boy frequented a site called red tube, now if you son had been looking at that on his phone then I would be concerned, but cartoon porn at his age, nothing to worry about, I bet your hubby/partner was looking at dirty mags at his age, only difference was they probably shared them around school as actual publications rather than via email/Internet.

You cannot protect your son from everything, but instead offer a frank discussion about how unrealistic porn is and how demeaning it can be to women. He's hitting puberty his brain is going into overdrive! When I was 14 my dad bought me a copy of health and efficiency for Xmas!

TheNebulousBoojum · 30/03/2013 16:43

Parental controls block RedTube, Manga is trickier as I said. The Op is doing her best, as we all are.

ThreeBeeOneGee · 30/03/2013 16:48

I don't think that the porn mags that were circulating a generation ago are comparable with modern internet pornography, a lot of which is quite 'hardcore' and involves violence and degradation. If that is the information young people access every time they are 'curious', they are going to get quite a warped view of what sex is.

OP, I can see why this incident upset you, but all the right things happened (regular checking of the phone and communication with your son about what was on it). You already have a lot of safeguards in place, too.

LineRunner · 30/03/2013 16:58

The disgust is fair enough I think as long as it's levelled where it belongs at the porn industry. Not at boys who are targeted as future consumers.

I read an amazingly frank piece by a bloke the other day on cracked.com about how men are deceived from an early age by even just mainstream media into thinking that a 'hot girl' is their 'prize' for doing what is normal (school, college, job), and how they are equally encouraged to start to hate women if and when they don't get handed the 'hot girl'. This was a piece by a man for other men, about how (without using the actual words) this patriarchal porno world is really bad for boys and men.

LineRunner · 30/03/2013 17:01

Sorry OP, going off bit there.... you sound like you are doing well to establish boundaries.

FreyaSnow · 30/03/2013 17:16

Have you a link, Linerunner? I can't find the article and would like to read it.

LineRunner · 30/03/2013 17:18

I'll have a look. Strangely - very MN-style - I found it from a link about great mysteries and conspiracies of the world. I'll be back.

LineRunner · 30/03/2013 17:25

Here it is, Five Ways Modern Men Are Trained To hate Women by David Wong. As it's a website aimed at 20-something men, it's an interesting piece by one of the main editors.

appletarts · 30/03/2013 18:23

So he's looked at porn? Big deal. So now kids do that and they used to look at a mag, I can't see the difference and I don't think encouraging him to feel ashamed will help. He will also prob continue to look at porn, he's a teenage lad.

Feminine · 30/03/2013 18:39

This is why we have always been totally open with DS who is 14.

He has been able to work on computers since he was 9/10.

No blocks we ever stuck anywhere would have lasted.

So far , things are working well with communication. The other day my Mum went in to his room. Later on she said she needed to talk to me about something she has seen DS looking at. Turns out it was the Daily Mail. Confused

Don't worry OP really ....its normal. But of course its a shock.