Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I am a crap shag?

51 replies

chrome100 · 30/03/2013 07:30

Bit of background: I am 30 and have slept with 2 people; my ex partner whom I was with for seven years, and my current DP whom I have been with for 18 months.

I lost my virginity at the ripe old age of 22. This was not through lack of opportunity/trying. I suffered from very severe vaginismus, which is a psycho-somatic condition where the vagina tenses up during penetration making sex impossible and very painful. I went to counselling and worked very, very hard at overcoming it until I could have sex.

The trouble is, I don't think I am very good at it. I am never 100% relaxed, meaning that there is always a bit of pain on entry and if it goes on for too long I get quite sore. I am very inexperienced and lack confidence as a result.

My current DP is wonderful; very loving and attentive and only cares about pleasuring me. Trouble is, I want it to be good for him too and although he says it is I sometimes don't believe him. I'm sure everyone else is off swinging from the chandeliers, whereas I can only manage me on top or him on top and even then I am racked with insecurities - I am moving right, should I be doing something different, etc?

I've asked my DP to tell me what he wants and if everything's ok - he says it's great but I just don't believe him. It's getting to the stage where I avoid sex because I don't want to be a disappointment to him Sad.

I wish I could just shag with abandon like everyone else. I am glad I finally can have sex, because there was a time I thought I'd be a virgin forever, but because I am never fully relaxed it just isn't great for me and therefore not for him.

I am not sure what the point of this post is, I've been worrying all night as we tried something new last night and it just didn't work and hurt too much. I'm not a 16 year old girl, this shouldn't happen.

OP posts:
Joycey29 · 30/03/2013 07:38

Firstly, I don't swing from chandeliers. Grin
I would believe your partner. Men enjoy sex in any form from what I ve heard and he seems really understanding.
Don't avoid it for fear of disappointing him, I m sure he would be upset if he thought this.
Enjoy the one position you like, relax and forget chandeliers!

SnoogyWoo · 30/03/2013 07:42

You ladies over analyse things to much. If he is inside you and your smilling he will be having a great time.

TheFallenNinja · 30/03/2013 07:43

YABU. Don't beat yourself up about it. Give yourself a break, take your time.

Chandeliers cost a fortune and should never be swung from.

Flisspaps · 30/03/2013 07:44

Firstly, well done at getting counselling to overcome your vaginismus.

Secondly - I can tell you that the FP house don't do swinging from the chandeliers. It's more of a we're-exhausted-after-two-small-kids-have-run-us-ragged-all-day lazy half arsed effort usually. I am sure that most people would find it pretty dull, but I have a nice time and DH seems to as well, and that's what matters - not what anyone else is doing. Not everything we attempt is successful or like it is in the films (tangled up in the duvet, strange noises, cramp in a leg, squashing various bits unexpectedly) and that's all OK - it doesn't matter!

I would suggest that your DP is far from disappointed with you. He loves you, he'll be very pleased that you're getting naked with him! Have you tried not having penetrative sex for a bit, but doing other stuff, take the pressure off and see if that helps you relax? Have you tried watching something like the Lovers' Guide if you're unsure about what to do - if nothing else, you can have a laugh at the hairstyles and music Grin

TheFallenNinja · 30/03/2013 07:44

And if it hurts, then it's probably not worth doing.

LovesBeingWokenEveryNight · 30/03/2013 07:45

We certainly don't swing Grin

I think you are putting too much pressure in yourself

MsAkimbo · 30/03/2013 07:45

My understanding of men and sex is that if they're getting it, they're happy. I am sure he means it when he says it's great!

Also, trying out stuff is exactly that-trying. Not everything is going to be good for everyone. But it should be a pleasant experience to find out!

I may be wrong, but did you have bad experiences with your ex-p? Could it have contributed to your anxiety in this area?

Original poster
chrome100 · 30/03/2013 07:53

Thanks for all your replies. I didn't have bad experiences with my ex, in fact he was also very encouraging and was the one that got me to sort out my condition once and for all. He wasn't very confident either though so I suppose I didn't feel I had to "impress" him as much.

I guess I do get led into an image of what sex should be and think that, as we don't have kids, we should be having it all the time, in crazy places but the fact is we don't and I blame myself.

I know I'm lucky to have such a patient partner, I just want to please him as much as I can.

OP posts:
LovesBeingWokenEveryNight · 30/03/2013 08:04

How about something that doesn't involve piv, like oral?

goodjambadjar · 30/03/2013 08:07

My DP and I didn't have that much sex before DD came along so we can't use her as an excuse!
You are putting pressure on yourself to perform. You really don't need to. As other posters said, the TV and film version of sex is vastly different to what we do in our house. We can only do a couple of positions but it works for us. Grin
Your DP sounds very understanding, which is so lovely. Sex doesn't have to be all penetrative, you can always see this as an opportunity to practise and hone other (ahem) techniques! Wink

b4bunnies · 30/03/2013 09:31

men are simple creatures. if they can get it in, they don't care where or how.

stop worrying. you like him, he likes you, its working. this is your sex, you can't get it wrong.

determinedma · 30/03/2013 09:31

Just do what you are comfortable with.the TV and film stuff isn't real life or even close to it. Probably did a dozen takes and following instructions..." Move your hand up a bit, groan a bit, make up dept on set NOW, lighting - adjust the wattage etc" while the leading man is thinking that his leading lady's body double is a pretentious bitch, and the body double is wishing the leading man hadn't eaten garlic the night before"
Missionary is nice, stick with it if it does it for you

theodorakisses · 30/03/2013 09:36

At least you are a shag. I have to lock my kindle in another room and make a supreme effort to remember that partners generally expect sex occasionally.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 30/03/2013 09:39

It shouldn't hurt...if it hurts stop. If it hurts you're either not wet enough or the vaginismus isn't completely gone.

Do you get properly moist before entry?

TWinklyLittleStar · 30/03/2013 09:42

Would you consider going back to a sex therapist, but as a couple? It could help with non-penetrative exercises, and reassurance that your partner enjoys sex with you and doesn't expect fake Hollywood sex.

tak1ngchances · 30/03/2013 09:47

It shouldn't hurt...if it hurts stop. If it hurts you're either not wet enough or the vaginismus isn't completely gone.

Not strictly true, there are many reasons sex can hurt. Also the pressure to be 'wet enough' is in itself off-putting. IME of painful sex, a good lubricant had helped enormously. I put the lube up before we have sex so we're not messing around with tubes and lids and things in the middle of the moment. Then I can focus on enjoying myself and not wondering if I'm 'wet enough' Hmm

Montybojangles · 30/03/2013 09:48

Lubricant is your friend.
Men are happy with sex, full stop.
Sex doesn't have to involve penetration you know, you can masturbate, touch each other, yourselves, toys, anything at all is ok so long as you both like it.
Sex therapists are fab if you are still worried, but I really don't think you need to be [busmile]

Montybojangles · 30/03/2013 09:48

X post takingchances

Wannabestepfordwife · 30/03/2013 10:01

God I hate porn for making the unrealistic perception people have of sex.

I have something similar op and I've found if we start with dp on top then switch positions it's a lot easier and less painful.

Also if you get yourself arroused earlier in the day your body is more prepared and relaxed.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 30/03/2013 11:15

takinchances if you're going to be prissy about female wetness in sex then you're never going to have a really good time for God's sake. We're all women here...don't be so uptight.

Personally, I think lubricant is fine if you're older and have vaginal dryness..or if you're using condoms which can sap your moisture...but really, a youngish healthy woman should be producing her own lubrication during foreplay.

A good amount of fun before penetration will usually help on the lubrication front.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 30/03/2013 11:17

I know what I'm talking about as I have had a massive amount of shit sex as a younger woman. I met DH at 30 and was gobsmacked at how much time he wanted to spend before penetration....it's much better...nothing wrong with a quickie of course but I'm not EVER going to have sex with a dry vagina again. It means my heart's not in it!

Also agree that it's not all about penetration.

gobbin · 30/03/2013 11:19

Lol at SnoogyWoo [bugrin]

OP if you haven't already, try a set of dilators e.g. Amielle.

Another tip I read is to ' bear down' during sex, as if you were haing a poo (sorry tmi!). Your vag finds it hard to clench if you're asking everything else to relax and let go, ifyou see what I mean.

And lube. Lots of it. Sylk is better than KY jelly.

Lucyellensmum95 · 30/03/2013 11:22

You only talk about penetrative sex OP. The key to good sex is a) feeling totally comfortable with each other and b) foreplay c) foreplay d)foreplay oh and don't forget FOREPLAY.

Maybe try having sex without penetration (not all the time but once in a while) so either just use your hands or mouths on each other. If he pleasures you with his mouth as foreplay i garuntee you'll be "ready" :)

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 30/03/2013 11:26

You are so right about foreplay Lucy...however, the oral thing isn't for everyone. I can't bear it! Grin I feel bad that DH likes it but I can't stand it...but he's accepting of this. I think the main thing is the relaxation thing.

Massage and a lovely warm room helps.

Nancy66 · 30/03/2013 11:33

Order yourself a copy of:
Sex tips for straight women from a gay man.

good, fun, compact book full of useful info