Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I am a crap shag?

51 replies

chrome100 · 30/03/2013 07:30

Bit of background: I am 30 and have slept with 2 people; my ex partner whom I was with for seven years, and my current DP whom I have been with for 18 months.

I lost my virginity at the ripe old age of 22. This was not through lack of opportunity/trying. I suffered from very severe vaginismus, which is a psycho-somatic condition where the vagina tenses up during penetration making sex impossible and very painful. I went to counselling and worked very, very hard at overcoming it until I could have sex.

The trouble is, I don't think I am very good at it. I am never 100% relaxed, meaning that there is always a bit of pain on entry and if it goes on for too long I get quite sore. I am very inexperienced and lack confidence as a result.

My current DP is wonderful; very loving and attentive and only cares about pleasuring me. Trouble is, I want it to be good for him too and although he says it is I sometimes don't believe him. I'm sure everyone else is off swinging from the chandeliers, whereas I can only manage me on top or him on top and even then I am racked with insecurities - I am moving right, should I be doing something different, etc?

I've asked my DP to tell me what he wants and if everything's ok - he says it's great but I just don't believe him. It's getting to the stage where I avoid sex because I don't want to be a disappointment to him Sad.

I wish I could just shag with abandon like everyone else. I am glad I finally can have sex, because there was a time I thought I'd be a virgin forever, but because I am never fully relaxed it just isn't great for me and therefore not for him.

I am not sure what the point of this post is, I've been worrying all night as we tried something new last night and it just didn't work and hurt too much. I'm not a 16 year old girl, this shouldn't happen.

OP posts:
Gossipmonster · 30/03/2013 11:36

Lube lots of it :)

Mondrian · 30/03/2013 11:53

For some women it takes years to relax enough with DP to really enjoy sex, and I am talking about wonen who think of themselves as sexually normal. Ease dont put any pressure or time limits on yourself as its a jouney and not a destination!

Bue · 30/03/2013 12:06

Neo what on earth has tak1ngchances said to make her "uptight?"! And I really, strongly disagree that "a youngish healthy woman" never needs lubricant - in the OP's case (having some knowledge of these sexual conditions) I think it would really help. OP, I empathize because I have a vulval pain condition called vestibulodynia that means some pain on penetration, and yes, it can sometimes get sore after awhile. A really good lubricant (not KY, I'd recommend something like Sylk or Yes) is a wonderful thing!

But honestly, you are putting undue pressure on yourself, if your DP says there is nothing wrong, then there is probably nothing wrong. I'd agree you need to explore foreplay and oral though. But believe us when we say the rest of us aren't swinging from the chandeliers. Can you imagine the repair bill!

Lueji · 30/03/2013 12:16

If it helps, most women will be at their sexual peak in their 40s, because they are more experienced and more confident and less worried about performance. :)

So, you're still young. :)

As others said, try to orgasm first not through vaginal sex and chances are you will be wetter and more relaxed for penetration.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 30/03/2013 12:40

Blue....she spoke of wetness as off putting...she Hmm at the phrase.

LividofLondon · 30/03/2013 13:11

Chrome, here's my 2p worth:

Use lube. I recommend Liquid Silk as it doesn't go dry and sticky like many others (such as KY or Durex) do. We are led to believe that we should be really wet naturally and that we can stay that way even during prolonged intercourse, but that's not necessarily the case. I love lube; it feels better to be touched when not dry and because of that it gets my juices naturally flowing.

If you read sex articles in women's magazines stop it. They only help breed insecurity.

If your BF says he's happy you need to believe him. You float his boat, OK!? It sounds to me that sex isn't the real issue here but a symptom of low self esteem? Have you considered counselling to try and rectify this negative self belief?

aldiwhore · 30/03/2013 13:24

I asked DH and he agrees with snoggywoo wise words indeed.

Liquid silk is marvelous.

Giggling is okay too! Don't take it too seriously, if a man looks appaulled when you fanny fart, it's him who has a problem. If he laughs, well, it's because it does rather kill a moment, so giggle along.

I worried for a while that I just wasn't exciting enough for DH( before we married)... so I bought loads of props, practiced sexy in front of the mirror, planned... the process itself made me feel a BIT sexier. Come 'opening night' I was about 10 seconds in to the slow striptease when I basically fell over, into the open wardrobe, the hanging rail falling on top of me and wedging me beneath. DH couldn't help as he was laughing so much (he was concerned for my well being, but couldn't really ask and he was crying) I was shocked, embarassed and then saw the funny side... no choice really I was going nowhere, there was nowhere to hide, legs akimbo and jammed into the base of a very sturdy closet.

Sex was always better after that, and continued to improve. Never had to use props again, never felt I should do more or be more. xxx

aldiwhore · 30/03/2013 13:25

Sorry, snoogywoo !! Smile

OMGmetoo · 30/03/2013 13:47

Hey, me too. I always think I'm crap. I have secondary vaginismus (i.e. didn't have it when first sexually active) and I battled for years with doctors who told me the pain was all in my head. Which of course, it was in a way, but none of them actually bothered to help. :)

My DH and I don't have sex often, but I find my sexual response is a lot better now that I'm off the pill and post-pregnancy. Go figure? So we have penetrative sex more often.

This is not very helpful but I wanted you to know you're not alone. And I must be doing something right because DH and I have been together 10 years. Grin

Bue · 30/03/2013 14:36

No she said the pressure to be "wet enough" was offputting, ie just another thing to get stressed about. Entirely different thing.

VisualiseAHorse · 30/03/2013 14:42

Sex is all about the penis into vagina thing. Foreplay is not just for before sex - sometimes it's nice to interrupt the shagging with some foreplay.

And it doesn't just have to be oral or your hands either. Vibrators, pieces of smooth silk and beaded necklaces are all delicious inventions.

VisualiseAHorse · 30/03/2013 14:42

Oh, and LUBE!!

VisualiseAHorse · 30/03/2013 14:45

Sorry, that should "sex is NOT all about..."

SnoogyWoo · 30/03/2013 15:27

Us men are a simple folk and its a real shame you ladies dont realise it more. We just dont have that capacity to over self analyse and like I said if he is in bed naked with you he will be having a great time, guaranteed!

Nancy66 · 30/03/2013 15:31

Snoogywoo - I don't think you can speak for your entire sex.

Most men I know want more than just a woman who lies there and lets him do it to her.

MDA · 30/03/2013 15:33

I don't think he meant that though Nancy66

The "smiling" bit implied more than that to me

AuntieStella · 30/03/2013 15:41

Real sex isn't like the movies and definitely isn't like porn.

There isn't a judging panel counting the number of moves or the skill with which they are executed. It's two people having a nice time together, not one plus one IYSWIM. You say he's wonderful - well, that's only half the story. He's wonderful because both of you are.

motherhen1949 · 30/03/2013 15:43

have you ever thought you may just have had bad partners i think its a viscous circle

you worry about being bad project fears ect

Montybojangles · 30/03/2013 16:01

I really don't think that's what he was saying nancy66, simply trying to reassure op that blokes are just happy to be getting naked with the woman they love, without any tantric poses or lampshade swinging necessary.

Montybojangles · 30/03/2013 16:02

I'm not rich enough to own a chandelier

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 30/03/2013 19:17

Anyway I agree with Nancy. My DH certainly isn't "simple" with regards to sex. He's just as complex as I am....wired differently but definitely emotional about it all. The idea that "us menfolk" Hmm ffs want nothing more than plain sex in any wrapper is a lot of bollocks.

GrendelsMum · 30/03/2013 20:05

I just asked my DH for his opinions, and he says that he thinks you should focus on enjoying yourself, as that's the easiest way to ensure you both have a good time. He says that if you're happy, then your DH will be 'hugely relieved that he's doing a good job'. [buwink]

LaQueen · 30/03/2013 20:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

goodjambadjar · 30/03/2013 20:44

This might sound a bit strange but have you tried having sex with a "full" bladder? Obviously not so you're bursting, just don't do a wee before. I find the extra little bit of pressure during missionary really builds the experience.

I don't have much knowledge of your condition so not sure if the stress of wondering if you'll pee yourself might add to it. In which case, obviously don't try it! (Although its never happened to me!)

Good luck. Your partner is loving, patient and kind. Enjoy him!

If you know your turn on's you can start getting revved up during the day. Fantasise. You don't have to tell anyone what your fantasies are, not even your DP if you don't want to. Read some erotic fiction. Remember that in porn you don't have people struggling to get hard, or slipping out, or getting cramp, or missing the hole completely, or not orgasming. Grin
Sex is funny! It's fun, its sweaty, its messy and its personal. Like another poster said, its your sex, you can't get it wrong!

Enjoy!

VikingLady · 30/03/2013 21:46

More lube, and if you get flavoured stuff it doesn't feel as "medical" for want of a better word - more of a toy than a prop iyswim.

And DH says if your DP loves and fancies you, turning up naked and joining in is all that's needed! Quite reassuring.....

Oh, and DH says asking what your P wants you to do is fine, btw.