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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To detest tightness when the person is wealthy.

84 replies

Cannierelax · 29/03/2013 21:32

My post says it all. I know for a fact my mother Is stinkingly wealthy, no mortgage, expensive range rover, no overheads as my father pays for it all and a 6 figure in savings. Yet she has never bought my son a single full price item. My son had a sleepover at her house yesterday and it's family tradition to get the child a gift. I told Ds to say to his gran where his toy was, well she said she would get him a McDonald's! Ds then said he wished for a toy, his gran said okay, at this point I said I would get the Argos book for him to have a browse. Gran quickly yelled, no, no wait till I go into town and il get 'something' from B M Bargains. Aibu ? DH said I am. I'm just really hurt that his gran doesn't buy him anything unless it's fron the pound shop and she's loaded. She is generally very tight with everything. Should I be feeling hurt / angry. When Ds was born she also kept all of the Money gifts he received from her friends. Her reason was because they were from her friends and she had unturned bought her friends little one gifts do they were returning the favour do I wasn't entitled to return the favour. She did this for his first Xmas too.

OP posts:
wonderingsoul · 29/03/2013 22:00

i think i can see your point. there's obviously history here and i think the keeping the money he was given at Christmas and being born has left a very bad taste in your mouth. ( and i can see why )

i do think you where rude to tell your son to ask, and to get the Argos catalog out, maybe she wanted to have a look round town with him to find one? (unlikely she was thinking like that but if im going to buy a toy for a non birthday or christmas i like to make a "thing" of it and browse the shops with said child so you could have just insulted her)

but i do think she sounds tight and strange.

Original poster
Cannierelax · 29/03/2013 22:02

Okay- I didn't want to mention it but I'm from a large family. All my siblings live with their extended Im laws. When those grandchildren have stayed with my mum she has lavished them with gifts.Dh has said it was just to show off to the extended family meaning"oh how generous of granny giving gifts". I on the other hand live myself with Dh. There's nobody for my mother to show of too. I just wanted Ds to be treated the same as all her other 5 grandchildren.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cannierelax · 29/03/2013 22:02
  • inlaws
OP posts:
Original poster
Cannierelax · 29/03/2013 22:04

It sounds like she is not tight now but she will but toys for other grandchildren if she knows that others will " see" this.

OP posts:
MsVestibule · 29/03/2013 22:04

Yes, your mum is very tight, but you telling your son to ask where his gift is and then digging out the Argos catalogue absolutely beggars belief. When I first read it, I thought it must be a reverse AIBU, as nobody could think that sort of behaviour is acceptable.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 29/03/2013 22:06

She kept the money that other people gave her to give to you?

That's theft! That's just outrageous.

HauntedArmchairOfDoom · 29/03/2013 22:06

Well - maybe she thinks your son already has far too many toys, and furthermore is so irritated by your openly expecting gifts (Argos catalogue - I mean seriously?!) that she's trying to teach you a lesson?

Granted if so she could be a bit more gracious about it, but still...

Original poster
Cannierelax · 29/03/2013 22:06

Haunted- look, as I've explained before , I genuinely never realised the Lego model wasn't broken. I'm embarrassed by the whole thing.

OP posts:
HauntedArmchairOfDoom · 29/03/2013 22:06

Oh no I realise that and felt a bit sorry for you! But, you know. Stop worrying about STUFF. You have a lovely DS and a nice family. Let that be enough!

cumfy · 29/03/2013 22:07

Perhaps she's already got him something which she's keeping up her sleeve.

And is trying to ensure he doesn't turn into little Grabby McFuckingGrabster

aldiwhore · 29/03/2013 22:08

If you treat everyone as though they have nothing, everything's a bonus.

So, you need to do some washing at your mums. You take your cup of soda with you, if then she laughs and says "why've you brought that you silly thing" - you've not been made to feel foolish. If she expects it, you're ready.

I understand feeling 'entitled' god knows I know! I often feel like a spoilt child when I resent my parents moving half way across the country JUST as I needed them to be Grandparents (not childminders, just regular Grandparents... on their behest, we moved to their village to be closer to them... then they moved! You have to LAUGH)

However, YABU. It's not yours unless you have it, own it. Everything else is a bonus. Live like that, and you won't be better off, but you will be less angry.

LynetteScavo · 29/03/2013 22:08

If you feel your DS isn't being treated the same as his cousins, you need to bring that up with your DM.

Not treating all grandchildren equally, and being tight are two very different things.

BimbaBirba · 29/03/2013 22:08

Cannie I get you. Your DM doesn't sound nice. Most people on here will
tell you that it's her prerogative not to spend her money on your DS and while I agree that it is, I can see why you would get hurt. My SIL is very wealthy and she has NEVER bought new clothes for her only child. She gets second hand from friends and then says that the only nice clothes he has are the ones that me or my mother have bought for him. I don't like that.

Original poster
Cannierelax · 29/03/2013 22:08

Haunted- thank you. I'm very blessed with a great Dh and Ds. I don't know if it's hormones. DH said it was.

OP posts:
aldiwhore · 29/03/2013 22:10

Okay sounds like she's more Hycinth (sp) Bucket than generall tight, all about keeping up appearances.

If you have the energy, play the game with her.

If not, accept that's what she is and concentrate on bringing your child up with the values you hold dear, rather than what cousins have been given... trust me, your child will probably quiz Granny at a party with everyone around to hear one day!! (Then you win nothing, but there will be a little smug grin coming from you) Wink

HauntedArmchairOfDoom · 29/03/2013 22:10

Probably the hormoans, evil fuckers.

Are you a bit insecure, do you think? Is it possible that you are looking for validation and affection from your Mum, and confirmation that she loves your DS as much as her other grandchildren - so it's not about a toy, but about something bigger?

Not that I'm Frasier or anything Grin

Original poster
Cannierelax · 29/03/2013 22:10

Lunettes- Ds doesn't realise that my mother treats him differently. I do and as a mother I feel kinda sorry for him or myself- don't know which one it is.

OP posts:
RubixCube · 29/03/2013 22:11

I agree with haunted don't spend your life being angry.Honestly i've learnt that myself.Just enjoy the life you have.When my dad forgets birthdays now i expect it and come to terms with it.Before i was really upset because it felt like he had forgotten me all over again.I don't think it's just about money though with you.Was you childhood ok?

InNeedOfBrandy · 29/03/2013 22:15

My nan's best friend and husband are millionaires, they have two chest freezers full of bargain meat and have a shopping budget of £25 PW and have 10yr old pork in their freezers. In the winter they never ever put their heating on and have one electric heater that they put on every now and again to the first bar up if that makes sense. They also never put their hot water on so wash up in cold water (blergh I never have anything from their) and have adopted if it's yellow let it mellow due to a water meter. Their 5/6 toilets are all VILE.

They do buy a brand new BMW and go on 2 cruises a year though...

Cannierelax · 29/03/2013 22:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HauntedArmchairOfDoom · 29/03/2013 22:22

Hmm. That's tough. The thing is that this can become a self-fulfilling prophecy: you are anxious, of course, to have your due share of love and attention for you and DS, so you are acutely sensitive to everything and are constantly on the look-out either for approval or for slights. Your DM might even pick up on this, she could then get tense or stroppy (no-one's perfect). I imagine if you can find a way to relax about it and focus your energies on what really matters, then suddenly issues like this will fade away a little.

Incidentally I am the neediest person alive and need to be constantly stroked and approved of, so I do understand Grin

Cannierelax · 29/03/2013 22:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Cannierelax · 29/03/2013 22:27

Haunted- yep, think you've hit the nail on the head. At a family wedding a few weeks back, she was fussing over her granddaughters, she didn't once acknowledge Ds, or speak to him.I shouldn't be so sensitive about petty things but I am.
The Argos book thing was just a random thing as I though DM would spend time with Ds to have a look at what things he's interested in. It's not even though we need her to buy him anything. It's more about the gesture as she does it for others.

OP posts:
Corygal · 29/03/2013 22:56

I don't get why posters are ignoring your DM pinching your son's christening money.

Corygal · 29/03/2013 22:59

Well, cannie, I sympathise. I don't think you were being grabby - I can see that you wanted equal treatment for your child. YANBU.