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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think dh should explain the end of our marriage to dc

43 replies

2anddone · 29/03/2013 10:36

I posted in relationships on Monday that dh had told me he wasn't happy and was thinking of moving out. On Wednesday I came home and he had packed a bag to go stay at his mums for a few days to think about what he wants. I am a wreck though hiding it from the dc. My dc do not have a clue he is not currently living here as he works shifts so is often not here when they wake up etc.
I have started trying to think about what we are supposed to tell them if dh decides he wants to leave permanently. I have suggested that he stays and we get councelling as I really don't want him to go, he doesn't believe I miss him and thinks he is just a habit to me. If he decides to leave wibu to make him tell the dc (they are 4 and 7). As this is all because of him and I really don't want them being told mummy and daddy don't love each other any more, when in actual fact it should be 'daddy doesn't love mummy but still loves you both but he doesn't want to live with mummy anymore, but he will still visit you both?'
Sorry for length of post plus bad spelling and grammar am on my phone and can't really see through tears.

OP posts:
HollyBerryBush · 29/03/2013 10:39

Just my opinion - you need to put the why and wherefores aside and sit down together and explain to your child what is happening.

TheCraicDealer · 29/03/2013 10:42

I don't know what to say, I'm sure someone wiser will be along in a moment. But sending you hugs x

ENormaSnob · 29/03/2013 10:43

Sorry you are going through this Sad

The children need to be told in the least painful way for them imo.

Repost in relationships, I am sure people will help x

Original poster
2anddone · 29/03/2013 10:44

Thanks I didn't mean I wouldn't be there I meant that the 'blame' so to speak shouldn't be put on me. We would be there together when they are told but I more meant I don't want them thinking its me breaking their hearts

OP posts:
EllenJanesthickerknickers · 29/03/2013 10:46

So sorry, 2anddone. Sad When my ex H left we both sat down with the DC and told them honestly that while we would always love them, daddy didn't love mummy any more and wanted to move out. I had seen a solicitor by this stage and he had recommended being as honest with the DC as they could understand. My ex H had been having an affair and left for the OW, so I also told them that daddy loved someone else now.

I think the logic is that they deserve the truth and need to trust what you tell them. If they find out you had been lying (even if to protect them) further down the line, that could be more damaging.

If there is a possibility that you may reconcile, that's a bit trickier and 4 yo is still very young to understand this at all. In my case there was never going to be a happy ending so that helped my decision.

ApocalypseThen · 29/03/2013 10:46

Easy to be him, isn't it? He packs his bags and goes home to mummy, safe in the knowledge that you're picking up the slack with the kids.

He's gone. You now make the decisions. Tell your children what you need to when the time is right in your home. But do tell them that Daddy isn't going to be living in this house anymore.

juneau · 29/03/2013 10:47

Just my opinion - you need to put the why and wherefores aside and sit down together and explain to your child what is happening.

Yes - this. Don't get too involved with the details - they're too little to really understand adult relationships. My parents split when I was six and they told me and my sis together.

EllenJanesthickerknickers · 29/03/2013 10:48

Crossed with you. My ex H was unhappy that I told them about the OW, but I felt like you, they deserved the truth and if that affected him more than me, so be it.

Original poster
2anddone · 29/03/2013 10:56

He says there is no ow he feels we have grown apart and doesn't see where he fits in my life anymore. He says all we talk about are the dc. I am sahm so they are pretty much all I do in the day so conversation is mainly about them as i do nothing else. He also says we have nothing in common anymore

OP posts:
Machli · 29/03/2013 10:59

Pretty sure that you will find out there is someone else at a later date Sad.

To be FAIR to you then he should tell kids. But to be fair to THEM you should both do it together so that they can see that Mum is ok and is going to be there for them. They are the most important thing so thats how it should be done.

Poor dc and poor you. Not poor DH though because I think there is more to this than meets the eye.

EllenJanesthickerknickers · 29/03/2013 11:02

TBH, everything he's said so far, was what my ex H said, before I found out about the OW. Sorry.

quoteunquote · 29/03/2013 12:27

TBH, everything he's said so far, was what my ex H said, before I found out about the OW. Sorry

This^^

sorry, but I think you are being conned.

see a solicitor. and don't lie to your children(that including concealing what is going on), they will stop trusting you, your children are experts on you, they have been studying you since birth, they will find it very unnerving, if they do not have an explanation as to why the change in your demeanour.

Maggie111 · 29/03/2013 14:47

You both need to sit down together and tell your children

"mummy and daddy are still friends but don't want to live together any more so we've both decided it's best for daddy to move out for a little while."

None of this "he doesn't love me" shit.

midastouch · 29/03/2013 14:59

I totally see your point its his decision it should be him to deal with the DCs but i dont know how you get round it. They'll realise soon if he doesnt come back and face them DCs are not stupid.
Sorry you're going through this

EllenJanesthickerknickers · 29/03/2013 15:02

Really, Maggie? Hmm But what if they aren't still friends, or the decision to move out is all the man's? Are you sure that sort of deception is actually good for the DC? Honesty is best, albeit at a level the child can understand.

It's really important to reassure the DC that they aren't to blame and that both parties' love for them is unconditional. Children often feel that if only they'd been better behaved or nicer to daddy he wouldn't have left.

YouTheCat · 29/03/2013 15:10

I also think you are being conned.

What sort of person backs out on the marriage for no good reason when there's kids involved?

Maggie111 · 29/03/2013 15:16

Yes I really think so. They both need to burden themselves with the responsibility of making the transition as easy as possible for the children.

Any hint of blame on either side is going to lead the children to

"if you weren't so mean, Daddy would still be here"
"why would daddy leave us?"

And so on.

A united front, leaving the children no upset and no room to play parents off against each other will be much better. Both parents should be grown ups and I don't give two hoots if the mother wants the children to know the truth so she'll feel better - it's not going to make life any easier for the children, or her in the long run.

juneau · 29/03/2013 15:18

He says all we talk about are the dc. I am sahm so they are pretty much all I do in the day so conversation is mainly about them as i do nothing else. He also says we have nothing in common anymore

If this is GENUINELY the reason, and only he knows this, then you could try to do more together as a couple to give you things to talk about! It's easy to get into this rut when one works and the other is at home with the kids, but if you want your marriage to work, you don't just move out back to your mum's - you work at fixing it. You try to rediscover that spark and what made you get together in the first place. I think, if it was me, I'd challenge him to do this and see how he reacts.

CouthySaysEatChoccyEggs · 29/03/2013 15:24

I can tell you, having been the child in the situation, that it is FAR more damaging for it not to be a child-friendly version of the truth.

Saying that mummy and daddy are going to be just friends is bullshit if you don't WANT to be friends with your ex that's fucked off, and the DC's will see through that anyway - the OP is not going to be able to hide her sadness at her ex walking out from them completely, no matter how hard she tries, and the DC's WILL blame themselves for her sadness if they don't know the truth.

This SHOULD come from him, albeit with the OP present. The OP bears no blame in this, it's all her Ex's decision, and he needs to be man enough to tell his DC the truth. And HE needs to reassure them that HE still loves them - it's not the OP leaving, is it?!

And I'm sad to say, I would eat my shorts if there isn't another woman involved. He's following the script down to a tee.

CouthySaysEatChoccyEggs · 29/03/2013 15:25

And how can you be 'a united front' with someone who has walked out in you because "all you talk about is the DC's". He's a bastard. You can't show a united front with someone who has just BROKEN your union...

Pandemoniaa · 29/03/2013 15:43

You must both have a discussion with your children. Together. And be very careful how you phrase issues like not loving each other either.

I say this because I thought that my ex-dh and I had been very careful about how we broke the news of our separation to our dcs and we'd gone down the lines of "mummy and daddy love you both very much but not each other so we'll be happier living in different houses." Later that same night, 6 year old ds1 cried his heart out because he'd assumed that because I didn't love his daddy any longer, ds1 wasn't allowed to either. The sight of his little tearstained face as he said "But I do love him, mummy and now I won't be allowed to" remains with me to this day.

EllenJanesthickerknickers · 29/03/2013 15:56

Both parents should be grown ups? But one has decided being a grown up isn't what he wants anymore. So how will that work? Pretending everything is all right, really, isn't going to work. The DC will soon see through that.

ChippingInIsEggceptional · 29/03/2013 16:08

Very, very rarely do men leave the marital home without another in the wings :( He might not admit it, but incredibly soon he will 'meet someone new' Hmm Lying bastard.

You should be there, but he's the one that needs to tell the children and he needs to take full responsibility for it and he needs to stress to them that it's NOT your fault and nothing you, or they, have done.

Don't ask him to stay again. Let him be. It will be a nightmare if he's guilted into staying and it wont last :(

ChippingInIsEggceptional · 29/03/2013 16:11

Oh & make sure he realises that his responsiblility for actually, physically caring for the children doesn't end when he leaves either. Tell him you will be seeking 50/50 shared care so that you too can move on with your life - that'll a stop to any ideas he has about you doing all of the parenting while he swans about playing the single guy about town.

You don't actually have to go through with the 50/50 shared care if you don't want to - but don't let him know that yet. They think they can just walk out of all their responsibilities when life gets a bit tough/boring and they need telling that they damn well cannot.

Fleecyslippers · 29/03/2013 16:12

He is complete and utter tosser. but sadly there are many, many similar men out there.

Op you are the one calling the shots now and if you want him to explain things to the children, then that's what he bloody well does Angry

Tosser Sad

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