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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that a person who "doesn't like having a photo taken" is a PITA?

147 replies

gail734 · 28/03/2013 18:21

My MIL is a little ... self-absorbed, shall we say. One belief that she holds is that she looks better in a photo if she's sort of caught unawares, rather than just facing the sodding camera and giving it "cheese" like everyone else. So she now tries to create this effect every time, waiting until a split second before the picture is taken before turning her head and staring into the middle distance. I first noticed it when she spoiled all of the informal photos at DH's graduation, standing beside him doing what is basically a catalogue pose. I knew she'd do it in my wedding photos, so I told the photographer to watch her like a hawk. Judging by the number of times he shouted, "Mother of the Groom, look straight at the camera, please!" she was planning to do it in every photo. She's now doing it with my 9 month old DD, her only grandchild. I think that in years to come, my DD may like to have a photo of herself with her grandmother, but I've now given up. I've always thought that people who do the big flappy hands, going, "Noo! Nooo! Don't! Don't take my photo!" make a tremendous show of themselves, but this is something else. It's not all about YOU, you old bat. And you don't look better staring off into the distance. You look like a simpleton.

OP posts:
YellowandGreenandRedandBlue · 28/03/2013 20:45

I draw little attention except with immediate family members x2 who are rude.

At weddings etc I just get out of the way.

Some horribly bossy types on this thread. Are you like ths with everything?

gail734 · 28/03/2013 20:46

I've just remembered something that made me snort in a very unflattering way: She's doing it in her bus pass photo! Arf!

OP posts:
YellowandGreenandRedandBlue · 28/03/2013 20:47

It is never selfish to do what you want. It is selfish to bully others to do things they don't want.

If you want a picture of me, paint one from memory.

YellowandGreenandRedandBlue · 28/03/2013 20:48

My last post was in reply to Yika btw.

AllSWornOut · 28/03/2013 20:50

Oh Gail, I sympathise. I think I can count on one hand the number of photos we have of DMIL just smiling at the camera. She's usually talking to the photographer or someone else in the picture/running out of the frame to get something totally unrelated to the picture taking occasion/making a big fuss of someone else in the photo so she's got her back to the camera/or a combination of the above. Just stand still and smile for 2 seconds woman, for the love of god! You are a fabulous person and I would like some nice photos of you and your family! Not another photo of your family and the back of your head...

DontmindifIdo · 28/03/2013 20:51

Actually, from the description of the photo pose, I think YANBU because it's not like she's not taking part, she's chosing to be in the photo but trying to strike a pose that means when you look back at the photo later on, your eye is drawn to the one person who's looking the other way. She's making herself the centre of every group shot, even if it's someone else's wedding photo, a child's christening, someone else's birthday party - or just a group shot of the whole family.

Firstly, I'd not put her in any one to one photos, in group photos - like family photos if you have a christening/birthday/event coming up, can you get a photo taken then make a point of saying "oh, MIL was looking the otherway, oh MIL you'd hate that photo, it looks like you are bored of your own grandchild and don't want to be with us! Everyone, we need to take another so MIL has a nice photo with DD." keep going each time "oh no MIL, you're pulling that bored face again! We need another photo!" "oh MIL this is terrible! You look like you're smelling a trump in that one!!!! We really need to get one of you smiling and looking happy, everyone, another photo." even if this takes an hour, eventually, someone will have to break - make sure it's MIL. What'll probably happen is someone will say no to having another group photo, they'll make a comment about MIL always pulling that face.

Then you say to MIL, "I'm so sorry, I konw you'd like a nice photo of you with DD, we'll have to try again another day, can you try to look at the camera? When you look the other way it looks like you're bored or there's a bad smell. Honestly, you'd not want to keep any of these photos." deliver it with a smile.

Chesntoots · 28/03/2013 20:51

I didn't have wedding photos either...saved me loads though. Good job really - the marriage only lasted two years!
Last year at our Xmas do someone went round taking photos on his phone then putting them on Facebook. I'm not on Facebook, don't want to be on Facebook and after a "chat" he removed all the ones with me in them.

gail734 · 28/03/2013 20:53

YellowandGreen Look, believe it or not, this was meant to be light-hearted. I thought everyone else would be going, "Yeah, my gran hitches up her skirt for the camera!" But really, it is never selfish to do what you want? So, it isn't even a weeny bit selfish to do a funny pose in another woman's wedding photos??

OP posts:
YellowandGreenandRedandBlue · 28/03/2013 20:58

I was replying to Yita's point that it is 'selfish' not to have one's photo taken.

DontmindifIdo · 28/03/2013 21:01

BTW - i do think from friends who hate having their photos taken, after talking for a while i've realised they do have a distorted view of how they look. It's one of two things, either they think they are so ugly they can't bare the idea that anyone would record them (without realising we've been looking at the same face for the whole event, they see an ugly person in the photo and don't understand why I'd want a photo of someone who wasn't perfect, I see my friend and want to keep a momento of the event and the lovely people at it),

Or they actually think they are better looking than they are - and get upset that they 'look bad in photos' when actually that's just an accurate recording of how they really, really look - I guess they see something else when they look in a mirror that you can't hide flaws in the same way in a photo. (A friend who does this a lot keeps saying she has a "moon face" in photos, she really doesn't get it's the same face she has the rest of the time, she genuinely seems to think she looks differently in real life.)

twitchycurtains · 28/03/2013 21:01

I hate having my photo taken especially if it's really unexpected, I prefer to know beforehand if a photo will be taken and then I can hide strategically place myself so that you can barely see me. Nothing worse than folk pestering you for photos when you really don't want to have one taken.

Having said that, my MIL and SIL have death glares /and if looks can kill type expressions in nearly all of my wedding photos, rather telling what they thought about me and the wedding. Best one, is where SIL is seen glowering at me as I walked up the aisle, I would get it framed and in our living room,but I'm too much of a coward DH won't let me.

TheRealFellatio · 28/03/2013 21:03

I don't know who to agree with here - you or her. I completely understand where you are coming from, except that I AM her, and it is very stressful having personal image angst, especially in this day and age where every fucker wants to splash you all over facebook and the internet before you've had a chance to vet the results of the photo shoot.

I realise that I may be a bit of a PITA but I can't help it. Nothing would make me happier than to genuinely not care whether I look pretty/slim/young/sober with no double chin or droopy tits in photos, but unfortunately I do care, a great deal.

LaQueen · 28/03/2013 21:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DontmindifIdo · 28/03/2013 21:08

TheRealFellatio - that's the bit I don't understand, why do you only care about the way you look in photos? why is the recording of an event where you might not look perfect a problem whereas being seen in real life at the same event where you looked the same is ok?

Passmethecrisps · 28/03/2013 21:16

My DH is a photographer - I constantly have to put up with having a chuffing lense up my nose. I have learned how to pose gracefully.

I think people are being harsh saying OP is constantly taking pics. Wedding, graduation and new baby. Hardly daily occurrences.

I also agree that all the flappy hand nonsense is just waring. Look at he camera and be done with it.

I do, however, have some tips which help if you genuinely are insecure. I had to learn them being convinced of my ugliness.

Look down at your shoes until the split second the picture is taken when you look up at the camera. You will always look thin and chic.

When smiling for many pics push your tongue into your front teeth.

As hard as it is relax. Despite what you might believe someone looking happy and smiling always looks lovely.

Passmethecrisps · 28/03/2013 21:19

I get it felatio. The fact is the camera captures a split second and holds it still forever. People then get to study that imagine in intimate detail and make judgements on what they see. So if you are caught with a double chin or pulling a dreadful face then people are left with that instantaneous happening for ever

LaQueen · 28/03/2013 21:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Startail · 28/03/2013 21:26

I look daft in photos, DD1 is pretty hard to get a photo of because she gets very self conscious, DD2 looks amazing it's most unfair! Envy

I totally sympathise with your MIL

Passmethecrisps · 28/03/2013 21:31

laqueen I was just about to post those. I always tilt my right hip towards the camera slight and kind of cock a leg. Makes your thighs slimmer.

The other thing is that noone ever thinks that you look as bad as you think you look. Watch anyone looking at pics of an event they were at - they will hover much longer over pics of themselves than pics of others. They are typically looking at themselves judging how they look. They are quickly looking at everyone else being quietly jealous f how lovely they look. All the while being unaware that others are thinking the same of them.

Sunnysummer · 28/03/2013 21:37

YANBU. My FIL of all people is similar... But instead he waits until after photos are taken, then goes through and deletes shots where he feels that he looks bad, no matter how many other people were in it! She has every right to avoid being ambushed for individual photos if she likes, but refusing to be cheesy along with everyone else for a group photo that is meant to be a memory from a big event is selfish, not shy or low-self-esteemed... I say you photoshop her hilariously Wink

gail734 · 28/03/2013 21:43

Sunnysummer: Yes! I'm going to give her a moustache!

OP posts:
INeedThatForkOff · 28/03/2013 21:52

"Oh, DO stop looking at me. Please don't photograph me, don't! Everyone's looking at me, and I'm so shy! Stop it! Everyone's looking at me!" Em, no, they're not. Or they weren't, until you starting flapping your arms about and shouting.

Do they bollocks do this.

"I'm so sorry, I konw you'd like a nice photo of you with DD, we'll have to try again another day, can you try to look at the camera?

No I really could not look at the camera and your insinuation that the photo was not nice would undermine me further.

Or they actually think they are better looking than they are - and get upset that they 'look bad in photos' when actually that's just an accurate recording of how they really, really look - I guess they see something else when they look in a mirror that you can't hide flaws in the same way in a photo.

So you're saying that people should know they look like shit rather than feel comfortable under the illusion that they're fine?

Really, if you have no problem with having a photo taken you don't get it. It's like suddenly being expected to deliver a speech or presentation. Horrible for some.

INeedThatForkOff · 28/03/2013 21:53

Ps - if you thrust a hip forward and 'cock a leg' you look like a vain twat.

cocolepew · 28/03/2013 22:01

I think some people are misreading this Hmm.

greencolorpack · 28/03/2013 22:01

My Dad hates getting lots of photos taken. He will tolerate one and I am coming round to his way of thinking. It applies to many things. For example did anyone see the Madness concert at the BBC the other day? There were the cameras and the BBC taking lovely moving pictures of the event and yet, there were a whole bunch of people pointing their mobile phones at the band recording them.... Those recordings will be shit! Why can't people LIVE IN THE NOW? They should take one token photo just to show they were there and then just enjoy the experience of being there, rather than deferring their lives for the sake of a crappy bad sounding bad image video that will go on YouTube along with everyone else's. What a waste of time and effort.

I sympathise OP. I think it's pretty strange when people stand looking over their shoulder at the camera cos they think it makes them look thinner. It looks weird when one person is doing this in a group shot and everyone else is face on.