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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to ask ex-p to meet his new p, as she is looking after ds?

27 replies

Costypop · 28/03/2013 11:46

I've got an 8yr old DS, his time is spent 50-50 between me and his dad. However DS has been coming home lately saying that Daddy's new girlfriend has been looking after him for the day. At change over dad is always there. This GF it seems is looking after DS 1-2 days per week and whole weekend day and a day in the week doing a school pick up. I've no problem with this as infact dad thinks good parenting is sitting DS in front of the Xbox playing call of duty, where The GF takes him out on his bike and plays with him. In fact I actually want the ex to move in with GF as I think it would be better then where he is at the minutue (house share)
But I've never seen her! Not even a glance, would it unreasonable to force a meeting? At the end of the day she seems to be a big part of my sons life now

OP posts:
MammaTJ · 28/03/2013 11:50

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I would not let my ex take our DD to meet the troll woman he left me for until I had met her. Legally though, I was told I did not have a leg to stand on. If I had no problems with her Dad having her, then I had to trust that he would only let her meet people who would not allow her to come to harm.

SirBoobAlot · 28/03/2013 11:52

No, I don't think so. ExP wanted to meet my new DP once he started spending time with DS, which was totally reasonable. I also discussed it with him before DP started looking after DS.

Don't think you should take the 'force a meeting' approach though, but saying that you'd like to meet her as she is taking care of your DS is completely understandable.

Original poster
Costypop · 28/03/2013 11:58

I have asked before a few times and nothing has come of it, hence the forced part

OP posts:
Dadthelion · 28/03/2013 12:07

I think the other parent should get first call if the parent who is supposed to be looking after their children can't do it.

If you can look after your child, your child should be with you rather than your ex's girlfriend.

And vice versa.

SirBoobAlot · 28/03/2013 12:12

Forcing it won't achieve anything, but explaining that it's perfectly reasonable, that you would want to meet anyone who was looking after your DS for so long, making it more about the time than the fact it is his girlfriend, maybe?

sashh · 28/03/2013 12:25

Help DS to make a card inviting ex and gf to tea with you and him.

Original poster
Costypop · 28/03/2013 12:42

Sashh like that one

OP posts:
SoWhatIfImWorkingClass · 28/03/2013 12:50

No YANBU.

Jux · 28/03/2013 12:50

Would you be happy for ex to meet your new p, if he wanted to? If you're happy with that, then it's reasonable to ask.

HeySoulSister · 28/03/2013 13:26

I'm meeting the new fiancée next week! I will enjoy watching him squirm as I invite her in for a cup of tea!

TwoBrasDontMakeABodice · 28/03/2013 13:31

I don't think YABU at all.

An 8yr old playing Call of Duty? I think THAT is U though.

Original poster
Costypop · 28/03/2013 15:01

I agree that he shouldn't be playing call of duty, I've said nicely, loudly and in every possible way, it stops for a while then it starts again. What can I do? He's at his dads I see any way too stop it?

OP posts:
HollyBerryBush · 28/03/2013 16:31

YANBU to wonder what she is like.

YABU to 'force' a meeting.

You trusted your Ex enough to have a child with him, by default you must trust his judgement parenting when it's his turn

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 28/03/2013 16:36

What do you want a meeting for? What are you going to say? I think yabu in all honesty. I was forced into a meeting with my dss' mum and it was awkward, uncomfortable, and really there was no need for it at all. My step sons were happy, my dh was happy, she was happy enough letting us have them, she was just being nosy.

ChocHobNob · 29/03/2013 16:31

YANBU to want to meet her.

But YWBU to force a meeting if she didn't want to.

You are not going to gauge her personality and child care abilities from a meeting/cup of tea. Your son's feelings towards her is a much better indication.

If you needed a child minder or a friend started looking after your son weekly, would you happily go along with your ex forcing a meeting with the person because he thought he had a right to. Or would you think he was just being awkward or nosey? And would you think he should just trust you to choose someone suitable?

It would be great if everyone could ve friendly and get on, but forcing meetings isn't going to acheive that. You'll probably meet in a chance meeting in the time being.

MandragoraWurzelstock · 29/03/2013 16:35

'You trusted your Ex enough to have a child with him, by default you must trust his judgement parenting when it's his turn '

Holly how do you figure that? Plenty of people have a child then fall out/realise they cannot actually trust the other parent after all.

BruthasTortoise · 29/03/2013 16:36

I always wonder what the aim of these meeting are? Is it simply to put a face to a name? Other than that reason I have no idea how meeting for a cup of coffee could give you any insight into how this woman treats your child when she is alone with him.

BruthasTortoise · 29/03/2013 16:39

I think a better way of phrasing it is you trust your ex enough to share custody of your child 50/50 so therefore you should trust his judgement regarding childcare arrangements as he should trust yours.

scaevola · 29/03/2013 16:40

YADNBU to be curious about her

YANBU to want to meet her (though will this really achieve much more than tidying your curiousity and putting what DS says about his time there into a better context)

YABU if you force the issue.

Just look for opportunities.

FreudiansSlipper · 29/03/2013 16:43

I felt much better after meeting the ex's girlfriend

It is hard not knowing who your child is spending a lot of time with especially when your child is also getting confused by the whole situation

BruthasTortoise · 29/03/2013 16:47

Freudian can I ask you why you felt better? Genuine question because surely you didn't really "know" the new partner after one meeting? I've been a stepmother for years, have met my stepkids mum briefly dozens of times but still wouldn't say she "knows" me nor do I know her.

WorraLiberty · 29/03/2013 16:52

YABU to force a meeting.

From what you've said in your OP, you're all happy. So what would forcing her to meet you actually change?

She's not going to turn up with a CRB certificate and fully documented history.

FreudiansSlipper · 29/03/2013 16:56

Name to face I saw how she acted around ds and more importantly how he was around her

She seems nice and obviously tries hard but the ex wanting to play happy families sadly it has just left ds confused

I have not been a step parent but was in a relationship with someone who had children I met his ex partner. We split up after about a year (other reasons) I understood why she wanted to meet me and see how her children were around me

MimiSunshine · 29/03/2013 16:57

YANBU if its to put a face to the name so to speak rather than for an interrogation.
I think the card is a nice idea and helps to set the tone, but send it from you so that she knows its genuine, just put something like ""DS has been telling me how lovely you've been, taking him out on his bike etc etc so I thought it'd be nice if we met properly, if you fancy a coffee drop me text on xxxx sometime"

BruthasTortoise · 29/03/2013 17:01

Well I suppose that's a fair point and like I said I've met by step kid's mum on numerous occasions but they were "natural" meetings, pick up, drop offs, school plays etc. something about have a formal meeting doesn't sit right with me, I would've hated the feeling of being vetted and would've been offended that my DH's judgement was being questioned.