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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL trying to insist that my 12 year old DDs wear their school uniform to a funeral in the easter holidays.

106 replies

sandyballs · 28/03/2013 11:09

WTF? Why? Might be different if I was picking them up from school to go to the funeral.

I told her I thought it was very odd, then she said perhaps just the skirt then!

It's a big catholic funeral and I think she's worried that I'm going to let them turn up in their usual attire of skinny jeans and converse. I told her I'm taking them shopping to buy something smart but she still thinks school uniform is best.

AIBU? Or is she barking.

OP posts:
Damash12 · 29/03/2013 22:13

Wtf exactly!! I'm guessing it's a catholic school the children go to? I's she wanting this to be seen by others attending? Regardless it's stupid and your dc's so put them in what you think is appropriate.

Oldandcobwebby · 29/03/2013 22:24

I am in charge of one of the busiest crematoria in the country, and was formerly in charge of 14 cemeteries. I can state with certainty that for children to attend funerals in school uniform is most certainly not unknown, but far from being the norm. Dress the children smartly, and be proud!

thegreylady · 29/03/2013 22:32

I wouldn't go for all black as it is not a very close relative.Black skirt/trousers and jacket -those H&M ones are fine with a purple or grey top.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 29/03/2013 23:36

I think given that it's MIL's relative who has died (so presumably the main reason you're going is to support MIL) I would just roll with it and do as she wishes.

It's a bit daft, they'd look fine in sombre-coloured normal clothes, but given that she's the one mourning, why fight her on it?

lisaloeb · 29/03/2013 23:41

Highly unlikely, I may get DD1 in black jeans and a reasonably sensible top but school uniform not a chance.

The school she transfer to in yr10 don't wear uniform, to attend a funeral in overly formal attiire seems strange.

Original poster
sandyballs · 30/03/2013 07:36

It's not a catholic school. Uniform is very inappropriate for a funeral I think. Royal blue blazer and checked kilt, blue, cream etc. I'm taking the girls to H&M today!

I agree MIL is in mourning but I can't go along with this, they'd be mortified. I suggested it when they got home from school on Thursday, the faces!

OP posts:
NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 30/03/2013 08:33

It's not "very inappropriate" at all! It's formal and tidy and they are children. Nobody expects them in black head to toe!

quoteunquote · 30/03/2013 09:18

Not many children would find that a comfortable outfit to wear to a funeral, which is a difficult situation to deal with anyway,

I would buy or borrow a normal outfit for them, so they don't feel extra odd.

MiL is just using this to focus on as a distraction from the grief , it would be mean to the children to make them go through with such an outdated concept.

Thisisaeuphemism · 30/03/2013 09:37

I'm really struggling to see why people find the suggestion bizarre, barking, inappropriate or outdated.

It seems a kind way of saying please don't worry about buying new clothes.

However, from a 12 yr olds point of view, i get it that they would rather wear something else!

Inertia · 30/03/2013 09:56

I think the key thing here is that the girls would feel very uncomfortable in their school uniform . As you say, they are not small children who wouldn't notice either way . Also the uniform you have described is very distinctive ; they would stand out in a sea of black, whereas a standard black skirt / white shirt / black jumper school uniform would blend in. 12 year old girls generally don't want to look like the odd ones out at family events - I certainly wouldn't be forcing them to wear it to appease MIL.

If you can afford to buy something new, there's plenty in the way of plain, dark coloured tops , skirts and trousers that could be worn again.

Don't force the children to feel embarrassed, funerals are hard enough already .

cece · 30/03/2013 10:01

My DC wore part of their school uniform to their Grandad's funeral recently. Minus the ties and blazer. Not weird to me just the only smart thing they had.

Bowlersarm · 30/03/2013 10:06

She's not barking. My DS's wore school blazers, white shirt and ties to my DMs funeral (can't remember if they wore school trousers or other trousers) and they looked smart and appropriate. I thought it fairly common place for children to wear school uniform if they don't have other smart clothes.

However it is your shout what your DDs wear, and not for MIL to dictate.

SanityClause · 30/03/2013 10:08

When I have been to funerals, I'm often amazed at the things people wear. Many people seem to think anything is okay, so long as its black. So you get people strutting along in something they would wear out on a Saturday night, with bosoms and legs all on show, but that's fine, apparently, because they are wearing black!

Just choose neat, sober looking clothes, in dark or subdued colours.

Also, bear in mind that sometimes its important to fit in with other people's wishes. My MIL said it was inappropriate for my daughter to go to a family funeral. Now, I understand that some people don't like to have children at a funeral, but she was only a few weeks old. I had no one to leave her with, so I couldn't go to the funeral. But, at the time, I thought her wishes trumped mine, and I certainly wasn't going to cause a family row, at such a time.

x2boys · 30/03/2013 10:15

you can get some very reasonably priced suitable attire in asda i had to give evidence at a coroners court recently [obviously not a funeral ] but i was expected to waer something suitable i got a a white shirt and black trousers for under a tenner!

DontmindifIdo · 30/03/2013 10:24

A generation back, it would be the norm because a) black clothes for DCs were hard to find and b) clothes where expensive, so it was a child's formal outfit that wasn't a party dress - people wouldn't buy an outfit for one occasion and children's clothes just didn't come in styles that were funneral appropriate.

12 year olds in smart black or grey outfits would be fine.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 30/03/2013 10:27

She is not barking, and I agree that she probably thinks she is trying to help by suggesting they wear something that they already have.

Really annoys me that people are so quick to attribute horrid motives to the things that older people, and particularly MILs do and say. People in their 70s have different norms. By all means disagree, but do it kindly - especially in a situation like this - and less of the 'WTF she is bonkers' type thoughts. That is just rude and lacks manners.

OP - that paragraph wasn't aimed at you by the way, although I disagree that their uniform is 'very inappropriate'. It is formal clothing for children, which for a smart and traditional funeral is exactly what they need.

motherinferior · 30/03/2013 10:31

My parents are in their late 70s and no way would they expect school uniform.

Actually I tend to think anyone who thinks uniform of any kind is 'smart' is bonkers.

thebody · 30/03/2013 10:36

School uniforms at weddings and funerals???

Since when and how strange.

Only thing I can imagine is its a show off gesture if you go to a posh private school and that's laughable.

soverylucky · 30/03/2013 10:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 30/03/2013 11:29

thebody you're very wrong. It's an old fashioned thing but was normal for all kinds of kids once upon a time. It's from the days when kids had much less extensive wardrobes.

And uniforms used to be "smarter" than they are now. Woolen jumpers, blazers etc...not a sweatshirt and a limp skirt.

Tethering · 30/03/2013 11:40

I could see my dm saying this. In fact I'm pretty sure she has suggested it at points. I've also seen children wearing school uniform to funerals (and not when they are there with their schools iyswim). I don't think it's barking. It's just a traditional approach. Obviously it's up to you because they're your children but it's not as uncommon as you think.

Jengnr · 30/03/2013 12:48

School uniforms are not formal wear for children they are school uniforms. For school.

DontmindifIdo · 30/03/2013 14:48

Another thing OP, there's a good chance your MIL has never seen your DCs or other people's in anything smart other than school uniform, that they could quite easily and cheaply get smart clothes but you don't normally bother might not have occured as an option.

Still18atheart · 30/03/2013 14:57

She's barking

Unfortunatly went to a few funerals as a child. And it was never even considered that I would go in school uniform.

The uniform in question would have been probably suitable grey skirt, white blouse, tie and blazer. But instead to by dgfs funeral I worse a chinese style red and black dress. Can't remember what I wore to my other dgps funerals, I was too young to remember.

slipshodsibyl · 30/03/2013 15:22

She is not 'barking' just because she possibly harks back to a time when funeral attire was more clearly prescribed and following the rules indicated respect (so choosing not to follow them would have indicated lack thereof).

Rules have relaxed enormously. Children, not so very long ago, would have been expected to look formal and 'unadorned'. School uniforms fulfill this requirement and will offend no one (except your children who, unsurprisingly, don't want to wear them). From your mother in law's perspective, she knows if they are in uniform that no one of an older generation can mutter that her granchildren let the family down sartorially! She is also thriftily not expecting you to spend money on clothes that probably won't be worn again.

I remember wearing a sober black and brown dress to my grandfather's funeral. We were neither a formal nor a wealthy family, though my grandmother was traditional I suppose. I was still very surprised when she inspected my dress and that of my sister and anxiously asked me to remove the tiny lace trimmings on sleeves as they were inappropriate so I quickly cut them off so as not to upset her.

I am sure mil will be happy with any sensible clothes you choose and your chilen will look lovely. the instructions do seem a bit odd but I cannot understand why some people are so reluctant to understand that she might be being sensitive to traditions of times past, since this funeral is of someone quite elderly.