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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL trying to insist that my 12 year old DDs wear their school uniform to a funeral in the easter holidays.

106 replies

sandyballs · 28/03/2013 11:09

WTF? Why? Might be different if I was picking them up from school to go to the funeral.

I told her I thought it was very odd, then she said perhaps just the skirt then!

It's a big catholic funeral and I think she's worried that I'm going to let them turn up in their usual attire of skinny jeans and converse. I told her I'm taking them shopping to buy something smart but she still thinks school uniform is best.

AIBU? Or is she barking.

OP posts:
motherinferior · 28/03/2013 12:44

I thought that lot would go down well with the age group Grin. DD1 would definitely go for it. Kind of a riff on skinnies and converse, with jacket to top it off.

If you're anywhere near SE London I can lend you the black Topshop wrap dress I picked up in the local charity shop recently Grin....

BiddyPop · 28/03/2013 12:47

Motherinferior has found almost exactly what I was thinking of - things that look nice but are suited to their ages. And H&M do lovely scarves etc (even black and grey ones that would be suitable) that can liven it up a little for them without being disrespectful (just wrap around neck under the blazer, or lie under the blazer collar straight down the front with no wrap).

aliasjoey · 28/03/2013 12:55

Maybe its just because she thinks they will look smart without being too gloomy.

I remember my uncle wore his RAF uniform to a funeral once.

motherinferior · 28/03/2013 12:59

The only child I have who wears school uniform looks anything but smart in it. Escaping shirt, flapping skirt/slightly outgrown trousers, slightly baggy blue acrylic cardie, general school uniformness really. She looks much, much nicer in skinnies and converse and a T-shirt with a moustache on it.

FrauMoose · 28/03/2013 13:06

It really annoys me when older people get fixated on notions of what younger people 'should' wear, when the point of any kind of service/gathering is rather larger than that. (Yes, being clean and not exposing innapropriate amounts of flesh is a basic courtesy.)

My favourite story is the time I took my mother to a service at one of England's most beautiful churches. I was living nearby and was a regular attender at that church then. What, I wondered, would impress her most. The stained glass, the famous vaulted ceiling, the beautiful singing of the well-known choir?

No, to all of the above. She pointed at the trainered feet of a youthful man nearby and said in a piercing whisper. 'That young man is wearing tennis shoes! I don't know what your father would say!!'

BadgerFace · 28/03/2013 13:06

I wore my school uniform to my mum's funeral but it was 25 years ago, when I was 10. The blazer was bottle green so not black but smart. It was a bit weird because we tended to wear a jumper for every day uniform and only wore our blazers about twice a term!

But I guess in that situation there was no way my dad or nan would have been up to taking me and my brother shopping for something else.

I don't think it's that odd a thing for your MIL to bring up, but it would be wrong if she was insisting on it, it's obviously up to you to decide what your girls should wear!

Bobyan · 28/03/2013 13:08

My cousin did this with her boys at her mum's funeral and at the time I thought it was just odd.
If I had done the same, I have visions of my DS in his polo shirt with wonky collars, sweatshirt with lunch down the front and trousers that have shiny knees! Your MIl would love me!

Original poster
sandyballs · 28/03/2013 13:08

That is exactly what you described Biddypot. Love the scarf idea too.

My DD loves moustache t-shirts motherinferior Grin. That was a bargain in the charity shop, not SE London unfortunately.

I suppose their uniform is smart but it's too colourful and they would be mortified.

Maybe MIL is worried sports mad DT1 will turn up in her chelsea football kit. I know she's always been horrified that both girls play for a local girls' team. Very unladylike apparently. And nice boys won't like it when they're older Hmm.

MIL is 71 by the way, I think someone asked earlier.

OP posts:
Annunziata · 28/03/2013 13:09

I think she's just trying to help. She knows its smart and respectable, and she doesn't want you to have to buy anything else.

raisah · 29/03/2013 18:52

Do they go to à private school? If they do, then your MIL could be trying to show off. My BIL does this, his dd is thee first from the family to go to a private school & he uses every opprtunity to indirectlui boast.
Nu do & bil were brought up in à very low income r familiy so going private is à big achievement for him. So he takes along à school bag with the logo on the front to all events. People ask him about the logo and je will then say that his dd goes to à private school. Just à thought, either that or your mil is barking.

Jengnr · 29/03/2013 20:49

W
T
F

Bonkers.

HollyBerryBush · 29/03/2013 20:52

School uniform is the norm where it is a traditional funeral.

SolidGoldBrass · 29/03/2013 21:02

I remember my brother being put into his (new) school uniform for a family wedding in the late 70s. Looking back I think it was a combination of him being a messy little sod, the lack of much in the way of formal wear for 11-year-old boys and the fact that he was of the age to be due a massive growth spurt so my mum probably didn't want to buy him anything else that might only get worn once.

I got a posh new frock, but then I was 13...

ANyway OP YANBU to buy them something smart and basic that they will wear again.

Nanny0gg · 29/03/2013 21:06

Blimey, I'm old (as in, was around in the 50s and 60s) and I never heard of wearing school uniform to funerals or weddings.
How strange.

aldiwhore · 29/03/2013 21:07

I don't think your MIL is BU, just stuck in a different era where you didn't just pop out for something smart, you used the smart clothes you had, which were usually the school uniform, that became the done thing, and she now thinks it IS THE DONE THING.

YANBU either, because you're not stuck in the last century, or the one before that...

I remember our school uniform was starched proper cotton shirt (rather than polo shirt), correctly tied tie, starched trouser with seam... I'm not even THAT OLD (in my head) or Catholic, and I know Catholic uniform was even more starchy. That was our only 'formal attire'. (Other than the vile cordaroy dress my mother made me wear to a 60th wedding anniversary)

Times have changed, as have traditions, you're the parent, you decide what's appropriate.

hwjm1945 · 29/03/2013 21:28

Just old fashioned,I am 45 and have vague memories of this sort of thing at primary...in poor area

MDA · 29/03/2013 21:34

Interesting...never thought of this but as a child when I went out in a smart skirt like a kilt type thing with kilt pin and smart shoes and blouse (very young btw) I'd get old ladies ask if it was my school uniform and I though tit most odd. But it sort of makes sense now. Was very "middle class" but another country (but sometimes even worse than here!!!)

MDA · 29/03/2013 21:35

it, not tit.

GlaikitHasHerFizzBack · 29/03/2013 21:35

Hmm, well if that were the going attire for funerals kids that go to my old school would be wearing hoodies, I shit ye not!!

No offence to you mil, but she sounds a bit hyacinth bucket sorry bouquet!

Sorry for your loss.

HorryIsUpduffed · 29/03/2013 21:37

I used to look after a little boy whose parents insisted I put him in his best uniform to go to the Palace to see Daddy get his CBE Grin

If it's good enough for Her Maj..

FryOneFatManic · 29/03/2013 21:42

Never heard of school uniform being worn outside of school around here. It's definitely not the norm to wear it at funerals. I was given something sober to wear at funerals when I was a kid in the 1970s, and when my two DCs went to a funeral a couple of years ago, it wasn't uniform but sober clothing for them that they could wear another time.

Savannahgirl · 29/03/2013 21:45

My siblings & I had to wear our school uniform to our Mum's funeral. At the time I thought it was barking mad, but we were only very young so had to go along with it! My Grandmother was staunchly Catholic and very "old school" so maybe that had something to do with it...

Thisisaeuphemism · 29/03/2013 21:47

I don't think it's odd- way of being 'smart' without spending.

I have done it so it's definitely not a posh thing!

MrsSchadenfreude · 29/03/2013 21:51

My cousin's 10 year old daughter came to my Dad's funeral (this was a while back). She wore a black/grey shortish dress with a sort of flowery/spriggy print on it, with a black cardigan, black opaque tights and her black school shoes. I remember this, because I thought how utterly appropriately dressed she looked - she still looked 10, the dress could be worn again on other "going out" occasions (as indeed it was - she wore it going out to dinner with us in the summer, with silver sandals). I agree with MI's outfit suggestion - appropriate, smart and all elements can be worn again.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 29/03/2013 21:55

It's an old fashioned thing. Harking back to the days when kids had much less extensive wardrobes. One best party frock, some shorts and jerseys for playing in and a school uniform for formal.