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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ban SIL from seeing my DCs because of her DP

49 replies

siladviceplease · 28/03/2013 00:36

SIL has been with her DP for 6 years? I found out yesterday that my SILs DP has been in trouble with the police for having child porn on his computer. THis happened before SIL met him apparantly. My DH has known for a week ish, but didnt tell me! My DCs arent ever on there own with them. We are supposed to be going to see them Friday but i have told DH there is no way on earth i will be setting foot through there door again. DP doesnt like this and thinks IABU as hes never alone with out kids, and its his sister, his only family, he would lose if i refuse to take DCs there. So AIBU to not want my kids near this creep and to feel physically sick that hes been near and taken pics of my DCs?

(I have name changed for this as i find it very embarassing!)

OP posts:
Poppet48 · 28/03/2013 00:46

YADNBU! I wouldn't want this either and your DH should be supporting you with your decision.

StuntGirl · 28/03/2013 00:46

How/where did you find out and who from? What I'm getting at is how reliable is the information, or is it just gossip?

IneedAsockamnesty · 28/03/2013 00:48

Yanbu to refuse to have your children around him but yabu if you refuse to have them around her when he is absent.

Invite her to yours but be honest about why he's not invited. If she can't get her head around him not being welcome and why then that's her problem.

Original poster
siladviceplease · 28/03/2013 00:55

Te information was just gossip my DP had heard after going into the corner shop in the estate SIL lives in, so he confronted SIL and she confirmed it to be true, but gave excuses for him it was a long time ago... he claims he covered up for his wife...... which i dont believe anyone would do.
I do feel sorry for SIL we live an hour away from her and she doesnt drive so she really wont see them, but then again its her choice to be with him...

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AdoraBell · 28/03/2013 01:00

YANBU and why do you feel sorry for her if she doesn't get to see your children?

Okay, I know she's a relative but you are responsible for keeping your children safe. She has decided to maintain a relationship with someone with this in his background, her choice, her look out. Does she have DCs?

MidnightMasquerader · 28/03/2013 01:00

I'm a bit confused by your thread title.

Why do you need to ban her from seeing your DC? Him, yes, absolutely. But her?

I understand that it now might be difficult for her to see them if you're a distance away and she doesn't drive. But that just means she won't see much of them by default.

Do you really need to ban her from seeing them, though...?

Original poster
siladviceplease · 28/03/2013 01:02

She does have DCs and the worst part is that one was sexually abused as a child. I dont understand how she can want to be in a relationship with this 'man' im pretty disgusted with her and dont really want my DCs near her either if im honest! thats the part my DH thinks im BU about

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MidnightMasquerader · 28/03/2013 01:06

Ah OK, that sheds a slightly different light on things...

Original poster
siladviceplease · 28/03/2013 01:09

should probably have mentioned that bit in my OP

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AdoraBell · 28/03/2013 01:11

If her own DC was sexually abused it may be that she has blocked some things out, psychologically, and therefore genuinely doesn't see any risk - because her mind can't cope with it. And is now with a man who has been found to posses child porn, which is pictures of children being abused, which is why it's illegal.

That could be a dangerous combination. I wouldn't want them to have contact with her, but at least by having her visit you you can monitor what she's saying to the DCs.

StuntGirl · 28/03/2013 01:13

Who abused your niece/nephew? It sounds like she has worrying boundaries (or lack of...) and poor judgement and I wouldn't want my children round her either.

I suspect there's little you can do to stop your husband taking your children to her if he's not around, but I would really try and talk your husband out of doing so (see first paragraph!) I would say you have no problem with her coming to you (alone) but that you don't want them in his house.

What exactly was he accused of? It doesn't sound like he was charged/found guilty of anything?

EchoBitch · 28/03/2013 01:19

A bit incidental but,do you have a DH or a DP?

Original poster
siladviceplease · 28/03/2013 01:22

It was the father of her youngest DC, the whole thing is a mess really!
Im struggling to get my head around it, ive become friends with her and now i just feel disgusted with her...
Im not completly sure what happened i dont think he went to prison, my DH didnt do a lot of digging for some reason, i know he had to have regular visits to a police station, thats all i know.

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Original poster
siladviceplease · 28/03/2013 01:23

DH now we only married 2 1/2 weeks ago, sorry!

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EchoBitch · 28/03/2013 01:25

How awful.

And you only found out today you say?

EchoBitch · 28/03/2013 01:29

So soon after your wedding.

Sad Must be hard for your DH,his sister and everything.

Original poster
siladviceplease · 28/03/2013 01:29

Well it was tuesday! Now that we're into the ridiculously early hours of thursday. Also ridiculous that im up so late/early worrying about it!

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Original poster
siladviceplease · 28/03/2013 01:31

Hard on DH yes, but i do feel his sister should have been honest from the start!

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EchoBitch · 28/03/2013 01:33

Not really ridiculous to be worrying that you may have an abuser in the family.

EchoBitch · 28/03/2013 01:36

I mean,your DHs sister is living with a possible child abuser.

With his nieces and nephews.

WWYD ?

EchoBitch · 28/03/2013 01:45

stuntgirl

I would do everything and anything in my power to stop my DH taking our DC to a house where a convicted child abuser lives.

Original poster
siladviceplease · 28/03/2013 01:46

Her DCs are grown up now and have all moved out she doesn't have contact with her eldest anymore, not totally sure why, quite possibly to do with him though?

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EchoBitch · 28/03/2013 01:52

But she's only been with him for six years.

How old is she?

Original poster
siladviceplease · 28/03/2013 01:55

She's 41, her eldest is 24 youngest 18

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Original poster
siladviceplease · 28/03/2013 01:58

They aren't his DCs, he has DC from previous marriage but doesn't see them, again don't know why never wanted to pry

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