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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think if you don't want a baby you use protection?

91 replies

lovelylentils · 27/03/2013 23:04

Dh is saying he does not want dc3 but keeps having unprotected sex with me even though he knows i do want dc3 and that i would not have an abortion.

OP posts:
MrsBucketxx · 28/03/2013 07:18

yabu

there are a million contraceptives out there that can be used on you,

if you font want a child its your issue not his imo.

SoupDreggon · 28/03/2013 07:18

Or he leaves, saying 'you trapped me into this?'

He is not using contraception. He is an intelligent man who knows how conception happens. How exactly has he been "trapped"??

SoupDreggon · 28/03/2013 07:20

if you font want a child its your issue not his imo

She does what a child. He doesn't yet thinks it's OK to have unprotected sex.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 28/03/2013 07:23

I don't see why it's her fault?

She wants a child.
He claims to not want a child.
The pill makes her ill and she does not want to take a contraceptive herself.
She has no problem with him using a condom if he does not want a child. She is just not willing to sort it out for him. (fair enough. If he's old enough to have sex, he's old enough to sort out condoms!)
He does not choose to use condoms despite knowing that she is using no form of contraception and that she would like another child.

He's being stupid. She's been very clear. This is his choice.

ScarletLady02 · 28/03/2013 07:43

He is not having unprotected sex...you both are.

You may want another child, that's your call, but do you really want to bring one into this situation? You could say "he" is being stupid as he knows the situation....but do you really want to have a baby with someone who is being stupid? You BOTH need to talk about this and stop ignoring it....it's like you're both playing Chicken with your fertility, which is silly.

SoupDreggon · 28/03/2013 07:45

No, the OP is just having sex.

It is the DH who isn't protecting himself against the baby he doesn't want.

TheRealFellatio · 28/03/2013 08:41

No, the OP is just having sex.

No Soupy, they both are having unprotected sex. That cannot be denied. Although she is doing it in the hope of becoming PG, and he (apparently) isn't.

TheRealFellatio · 28/03/2013 08:44

CAn I just clarify something OP? Are you quite, quite sure that your DH knows categorically that you are not currently using any form of contraception? Have you told him this?

scaevola · 28/03/2013 08:47

I hope OP comes back at some point.

There have been a few questions asked on the thread, and I'd really like her answers.

Sallystyle · 28/03/2013 08:51

Wow, the immaturity here (OP and her H) is outstanding Shock

livinginwonderland · 28/03/2013 08:51

But really... why on earth should she buy the condoms? Why does contraception inevitably seem to default to the woman? If the man in the partnership expressly wants to prevent pregnancy then he should make the buying of the condoms his business.

because she knows he doesn't want a baby and she's willingly letting him have unprotected sex with him. if she falls pregnant, she's the one who'll have to deal with it while being with a partner who doesn't want the baby.

they're both being immature and irresponsible. if one partner doesn't want a baby, you use protection. it doesn't MATTER who buys it, as long as it's being used.

DontmindifIdo · 28/03/2013 08:51

OP - if you come back to this, you need to sit him down, and have the conversation tonight. Say again, you want DC3, you are not going to have an abortion if you get pregnant and he needs to know you aren't joking about this. If you are making contreception entirely his responsibility, then say that, if you get pregnant you need to check he won't just leave. If he really doesn't want to use condoms and really doesn't want a third, then tell him to book the snip. But it's not ok to just pretend there's not a problem, then deal with the possible fall out once that's happened. What if he does leave you? What if he does stay but reject that child? Can you do that to a child?

leniwhite · 28/03/2013 09:26

I would imagine as is so often the case with my OH, what he says he wants is different to what he actually would really not want - i.e. he may say he really doesn't want DC3 but if that were to happen he'd happily accept it. I don't think it's a case of immaturity - why does everyone assume all people know what they want all of the time and plan it all meticulously before it happens? I've heard many of my male friends say they never thought they wanted babies at all but each time it happened it was the best thing ever, maybe it's just how some are. They lead normal lives, can't be all immature ridiculous people. Some people just feel differently about the idea of things than they do when they become real. If it's your DH it's very different to the people on Jeremy Kyle who act surprised when they have a random one night stand and someone gets knocked up so that comparison is a bit unfair

WoTmania · 28/03/2013 09:33

YANBU - if he doesn't want another baby he can sort contraception. In my case it was baby 4 I wanted and DH didn't so he had a vasectomy. Sorted. Most hormonal contraceptives make me ill so it seemed sensible.

scaevola · 28/03/2013 09:33

Some may accept it, for others it may totally break the relationship. OP is running the risk of single parenthood to three and a great deal of emotional upset.

Unless both parents are OK enough with the idea of another baby, then contraception should be used. And it's the responsibility of the two of them together to select the best method and then use it.

OP: when did you and DH last discuss contraception?

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 28/03/2013 09:36

Yabu.

There are no other words.

badtasteflump · 28/03/2013 09:46

You both sound a bit immature TBH.

Do you actually communicate or just shag? Wink

specialsubject · 28/03/2013 09:49

this juvenile game of 'sucks to you' is hardly a marriage. Grow up, both of you.

Strikeuptheband · 28/03/2013 10:04

I think the OP is gettig an undeserved flaming. I was in a similar position - DH didn't want more kids and he knew I really did. We had trouble with all sorts of contraception so decided to time it to avoid fertile times. It didn't work and DD is the result. Neither of us regretted having DD - she is much loved by DH and I. Anyone who could resent a child for being conceived when it was their doing would not be someone I'd want to stay with anyway. I'm sure OP's partner is not daft. YANBU OP - but try to talk to him about it.

Wannabestepfordwife · 28/03/2013 10:15

Your both incredibly childish! If your dh can't be bothered to buy condoms then why doesn't he take advantage of the fact you can actually get them for free!

KittiesInsane · 28/03/2013 10:26

Strikeup, we were in almost exactly the same position. 'Timing it to avoid fertile times' is a bit of a crap method, isn't it? To be fair, it was more a case of 'ooh bugger, hang on, maybe I'd better put a condom on' -- a bit too late (and it was New Year's Eve and we were stupidly, carelessly tiddly on about half a pint of lager after three years of sleepless nights).

OP: DH and I adore the resulting DC3, but the strain it's put on our marriage, health and finances is very evident.

Shagmundfreud · 28/03/2013 10:29

Why would you have a child with someone who doesn't want a child?

Take some responsibility fgs and act like a grown up.

You are both behaving shamefully.

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS · 28/03/2013 10:31

'Then either he secretly does want DC3 (or doesn't mind) or is an idiot.'

This. CruCru has summed it up.

Shagmundfreud · 28/03/2013 10:31

OP - maybe your DH will take the hint and have a vasectomy.

It's the most sensible thing to do.

Helltotheno · 28/03/2013 10:43

Why would you have a child with someone who doesn't want a child?

That's moot really. When the ovaries take over from the brain, the outcomes are not necessarily to everyone's liking. The point is, the OP wants another child and it's obviously less important to her that DH doesn't. Just to clarify, what OP is doing here is trying to get pregnant and at the same time, acknowledging that her DH doesn't want a child and if he doesn't, he, not her, needs to stop having unprotected sex and sort some contraception.
Ass-covering in other words.

On the face of it, she has a point ime, as long as she's taken into account the following very real possibilities, and others we cannot know:

a) She could be left looking after three on her own, with the emotional, financial etc implications of that
b) He could get the snip unbeknownst to her
c) They could have a third and his resentment and the strain it puts them under could result in them splitting up

If she accedes to his wishes and doesn't have another child, her resentment over that and sadness over not having a child she wants could result in everything going tits up anyway.

Six of one, half dozen of the other ime. Plenty go into relationships and have children, and with the best will in the world, it all goes pear-shaped anyway.

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