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Original poster

To tell my mother... ADVICE NEEDED :(

100 replies

GoldenSilence · 24/03/2013 20:19

Hi..
I'm knew to this, but really need some advice.

I'm 19 and currently live at home with my parents, last night I happened to walk past the computer while my dad was logged on (He'd left it to nip upstairs). I don't know why, but I happened to glance at the screen and saw a conversation he was having, with another woman, on FaceBook.

I have no idea who this woman was, her name wasn't known to me, and it deffo wasn't my mum, whom he's been married to for nearly 21 years.

I think I've been suspicious of what he's been doing on the computer for a while, there's a lot of quick screen changes ect when you enter the room, and he spends the majority of his time outside of work on there.

However, I never expected them to be true, I'm quite an anxious person, but what I saw last night has really shocked me, from the small part of conversation, My DF told this woman he loved her and brb, the woman replied with you too, to which my dad had answered with 'nooooooo' so she replied, "oh, love you more

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 24/03/2013 20:44

Well that was helpful, Ohdearie. Who died and made you the thread police?

HotCrossNaanAndRessurectiOn · 24/03/2013 20:45

If this affair has been going on for an extended time, I doubt you can do much about it.

AgentZigzag · 24/03/2013 20:45

The decisions you have to make are whether you think your mum has a right to know or not (even if he comes up with an innocent explanation or denies it).

If you think she does, which I do because I'd want to know, then you have to then decide how you think it's best to go about it, i.e. whether the conversation about it would be easier to have with him or with your mum, and it has to be your dad doesn't it?

It's not something you can unlearn, and that's the shitter in situations like this because you've done nothing wrong (and there's a slight possibility your dad hasn't either) but it's such an awful thing to know.

Think of what you're going to say beforehand and then just try to stick to that script. Like what kinds of things you want to know and what he's going to do about it.

Whatever he says, don't let him give you some old flannel about it being best for your mum not to know.

Original poster
GoldenSilence · 24/03/2013 20:47

If I posted in the wrong place, I'm sorry. Like I said It's my first time posting... It's not my relationship though, and what I was really asking was would it be unreasonable/or unkind of me to tell my mum.
Sorry.

OP posts:
JudithIscariot · 24/03/2013 20:47

My DH has female FB friends. As he is 54 and didn't manage to avoid meeting and making friends with women in all that time. Shame on him. ditto, I have male friends on FB. Were they just chatting or were there screenshots of her naked?

YouTheCat · 24/03/2013 20:47

I'd say something like 'I saw your facebook conversation with that woman. When are you going to tell mum?'

Keep it simple and to the point.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 24/03/2013 20:47

No need to apologise.

thetrackisback · 24/03/2013 20:48

I know this sounds difficult but what about a note to him or a Facebook message. Hi dad I can'

thetrackisback · 24/03/2013 20:51

Sorry posted too soon. Hi dad I think I saw something on your Facebook that has made me feel uncomfortable. I don't know what to do and I really need to know that you are going to do the right thing by us. Please tell me what I should do?

AgentZigzag · 24/03/2013 20:51

I thought about writing it down thetrack, and sending a fb message or email is a really good idea when it's something difficult to say out loud.

Lots more control than face to face, and the OP can get everything she wants to say in without any input from her dad.

JudithIscariot · 24/03/2013 20:52

I chat frequently on a Friday night with a guy I know from my school days. Haven't seen him for donkey's years. We like Depeche Mode and 80s films and have a laugh about it. I think you need an extended lie down.

AgentZigzag · 24/03/2013 20:54

Do you get into competitions about who loves who the most Judith?

YouTheCat · 24/03/2013 20:54

So it's okay for her dad to be tell another woman that he loves her, Judith? Hmm

thetrackisback · 24/03/2013 20:55

It puts the responsibility on your dad to sort it out. I actually would be gutted if my child was in this position.

HildaOgden · 24/03/2013 20:56

I actually think you need to tell your mum,not your dad.What happens if youdo say it to him,he promises to finish or whatever....you'll be left carrying the burden of that secret from your mum anyway.That you know something she doesn't...I think it would kind of involve you in the 'cover-up'...and at some stage,that will eat you up.

Talk to your mum,tell her you are worried about it,say that 'there's probably an innocent explanation'...then let her deal with it from there.

ilovesooty · 24/03/2013 20:57

Tbh I don't see how the OP could have seen the conversation in such detail if she "just happened" to glance at the screen as she passed through the room.

Original poster
GoldenSilence · 24/03/2013 20:58

AgentZigzag - Thankyou for putting it like that.. it's made it clearer in my mind if that makes sense?

JudithIscariot - I probably should have put this in my first post, my parents have few friends, who we're all close with. This woman was completely unknown to me and the way in which he was talking (I love you's ect) Is a way I've not heard him speak, not even to my mum.. sad really.

Thankyou for all your replies.. I expected more people to be telling me it would be selfish of me to mention it to one of them.. If my dad comes home from work early enough tomorrow I think I'll try to ask him if we're alone.
I'm afraid of being palmed off with an answer though. He uses a fantasy site, I've forgot the name of it now, which has always made me feel uneasy.. the amount of time on it.. he may just say they met on there, then I'll have to leave it I guess.

Some of your replies I understand.. I guess you have to know the family dynamic? We're not overly affectionate..no one says I love you or anything like that.. I think that's why it may have shocked me like this.. it's something I've not heard him say.
I am hoping I've jumped to conclusions.. I've just found his FB page and I know none of the 'friends' on there, I'm guessing they must all be women from this fantasy site?

OP posts:
The24Bus · 24/03/2013 20:58

I hope I don't regret sharing this detail.... (Name changed...)

I found out a few years ago when my dad was rushed to hospital that he's been having an affair since at least 1995. He dropped his phone and when I picked it up he was mid text to the other woman, who he used to work with and is now friends with my mother as well.

We live with my parents currently (didn't at the time) and every day I have this dilemma. I go from thinking that my mum must know (how could she not?!), to wanting to tell her, to knowing it's none of my business, to not wanting to ruin or change my mum's life.

My relationship with my dad has changed completely though, I don't trust him or particularly like him anymore. It's very sad and I wish I had the guts to know what to do.

Good luck.

The24Bus · 24/03/2013 20:59

And yes it's an enormous burden, and I'm almost twice your age.

TrampyPanterNoster · 24/03/2013 21:01

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AgentZigzag · 24/03/2013 21:04

If there's nothing going on between him and the woman then there's no reason not to tell your mum.

Let her make up her own mind about whether she believes whatever he's going to tell her.

Salmotrutta · 24/03/2013 21:06

I don't understand how you saw this, as you were passing, at 2am, in a room that you would only go through to go outside.

HildaOgden · 24/03/2013 21:10

I'd say Samlotrutta,that the Op actually had a proper read of it (which probably only took 1-2 mins anyway).Why is that the part of this that is grabbing your focus??

Original poster
GoldenSilence · 24/03/2013 21:10

The24Bus - I'm sorry you've had to live with that.. feeling how I do know, I don't know how you've kept this to yourself for so long. I already agree with looking at my dad different.. I've not managed to speak to him yet.

Salmotrutta - Long story, but a lot of our food ect is kept outside in a shed thing, for space, I was after a few biscuits and a drink basically and this inbox conversation was left open on a very large computer screen by a man with bad eyesight, so bigger text.. this all sounds very circumstantial.. honestly wish i hadn't needed to be going outside at a stupid time.

And no, no extended family apart from grandparents, where ultimately, it's their children, so they want to tell them?

OP posts:
TrampyPanterNoster · 24/03/2013 21:11

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