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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To book a deep clean for my elderly parents (very dirty) house?

67 replies

ilikeyoursleeves · 24/03/2013 10:52

I'm not sure what to do here. My parents are now in their mid 70's and my mum has dementia. My dad cares for her and despite me asking him to get in help both re caring for her and for the house, he always says no and struggles on too proud to accept help. They live a few hours away plus I have 3 children under 5 so it's hard for me to get over regularly and they prefer to visit us because it gives them a change of scene.

They used to have a dog who peed and pood everywhere so tbh I also often avoided going over because I didn't want the kids crawling on the floor. The dog sadly died recently but when I was over this week I again suggested to my dad that he get a cleaner in, even a once off industrial clean. There's mould on walls, dirty floors etc. I cleaned the cooker and gave the place a wipe down but it's nigh impossible to do when a baby is screaming at the same time! My dad just keeps saying that he needs to sort out all the stuff in the house first (piles of paper and stuff everywhere) before anyone can clean and when I said I'd come over more and clean it he said no.

I'm now thinking of just booking someone to come out to clean it but I don't want to hurt his feelings or annoy him either. But it's really dirty and can't be good for their health. It's really annoying how he just struggles on himself refusing any help, he's starting to look quite stressed by it all too.

AIBU to just book a cleaner?

OP posts:
Sirzy · 24/03/2013 10:54

I think it is lovely for you to offer and I would keep on trying to persuade him but its still their house and you can't force it on them if they don't want. even if you did book it would he let them in?

HDEE · 24/03/2013 10:57

You will need a team of cleaners for a whole day to even make a dent in it, plus an industrial carpet cleaner.

I'd work on persuading your dad it's needed, but you can't force him or do it against him wishes

Salmotrutta · 24/03/2013 10:58

Oh that's tricky.

You know your dad best - is he likely to even let them in if you just went ahead and booked it? If he is too proud to ask for help he may be very offended.

Any chance you could just sit him down and persuade him it's necessary - like pointing out he is doing a fantastic job with your mum but he can't be expected to keep on top of everything by himself?

Or pointing out that if your Mum didnt have dementia she would hate to see the house like this?

CandyCrushed · 24/03/2013 11:02

You might be better off saying you will do it and bring two friends (ie people from a cleaning company). This mightbe more palatable to you DF than having strangers in the house. I know that you will have to arrange childcare.

raisah · 24/03/2013 11:02

Book in the cleaner and take them out for the day. Similar thing happened after nu friends dad died, his mum withdrew from life. He managed to take her away for à wkend and had the house deep cleaned. The carpet had to be ripped out because cat mess had got through and stunk the house out.

Sokmonsta · 24/03/2013 11:04

I'd go in regularly and help him sort the paperwork, obv finding a sitter for the dc. At least then, once that is sorted, his argument for not having the house cleaned is reduced. Have you explained how you are worried the effect this will have on his own health?

raisah · 24/03/2013 11:05

Posted top early. After the carpet had been cleaned.

LadyIsabellaWrotham · 24/03/2013 11:08

It's not a bad idea but you'll need to be there on the day to reassure him and go down in advance to help get paperwork into boxes etc.

PTA · 24/03/2013 11:11

TBH if it is a bad as you say, a day isn't going to do it.

Can you investigate some sort of respite care for both of them? The local Carer's Centre would be a good place to start.

Try and get them away for a few days, try and get a babysitter for maybe the first day and go with the cleaners so that you can direct operations. That way you can sort through paperwork, valuables, etc while the cleaning crew do the heavy duty stuff.

Charlie01234 · 24/03/2013 11:19

I sympathise enormously as my mums house is the same - not clean, piles of stuff everywhere etc, but I have now come to accept that this is how she chooses to live and I cant interfere. I have had a conversation with her about redecoration and helping her to clear some of her rooms, but she is adamant that she will sort it out herself. I have left it now telling her that if she wants help I will be there but that I will not nag her anymore about it. Makes me really sad to see the house, but I guess it has to come from her and its not up to me to dictate how she lives.

Charlie01234 · 24/03/2013 11:20

Oh, and I think an unannounced deep clean would be the worst thing you could spring on them - I thought about, but decided against it.

KatyTheCleaningLady · 24/03/2013 11:25

I have had clients call me for this reason.

And the first thing I wanted to know was that their parents were OK with me coming and cleaning. I would not do it, otherwise.

In this case, the parents had given in and were OK with me coming in. It was a really tough job and if your parents house is anything like, be prepared for it to cost a lot. Definitely go with professionals who know what they're doing. It sounds like someone who also does carpets may be useful (I don't clean carpets, myself, but these people would have benefited from it.)

It is true that decluttering would help the cleaner do the job, but you MUST accept that your parents are autonomous adults and they may not ever comply with having a cleaner in.

I feel for you.

xoxo

KatyTheCleaningLady · 24/03/2013 11:28

Also, this is probably more than one day's work. It will be at least a team of two all day long to clean, and that's not including carpets.

PurpleStorm · 24/03/2013 11:31

I really think that you need to get your dad to agree to a deep clean before you book any cleaners.

Original poster
ilikeyoursleeves · 24/03/2013 11:42

I think you are right re getting my dad to agree to it first. But I know he would say no. And I think he does need to sort out all his stuff lying about first too. He probably needs a skip tbh. I've not looked in the upstairs bedrooms for a while but he says they're even worse with clutter. He's still got stuff from clearing out his own mums house who died 23 years ago :(

I'm quite ruthless re chucking out my own clutter but I know it would take forever to get even a dent in his clutter.

OP posts:
Original poster
ilikeyoursleeves · 24/03/2013 11:45

Katy can you give me a ball park figure for an ave 3 bed house for a once off cleaning? Thanks.

OP posts:
specialsubject · 24/03/2013 11:45

can you work on the 'too proud' thing by using the 'you paid for it' argument? For instance, are they getting all the allowances that your mum will be entitled to because of her disability?

this will mean that at least some of the cleaning cost is paid for out of previously earned income so he can hopefully be persuaded not to see it as 'accepting help'.

(sometimes 'entitled' is a good thing!)

Whatdoiknowanyway · 24/03/2013 11:46

Why not buy some plastic crates or cardboard boxes, pile his papers safely in them, put to one side and say that you are getting the base of the house clear, no impact on his stuff which can all go back out after.

I went through all this with my dad and in the end I didn't ask permission, I told him what was gong to be happening and why. He went along with it. From the sound of things the house is a health hazard and needs to be addressed for the sake of your mother if nothing else. Dad resisted all sorts of things like this but was glad when they were done. He was 'totally independent' - so long as I did his food ordering, organised his cleaning, managed all his paperwork, did his laundry, took him to medical appointments etc etc. in other words, he thought he was but really wasnt.
Your dad says he is coping but patently isn't. Time for action.

SPBInDisguise · 24/03/2013 11:47

Katy, just wanted to say I've read quite a few of your posts and you sound brilliant
Ok stalk wry moment over
Op, what is at the root of him not wanting a cleaner? Privacy? Shame at how bad it's got? Not wanting strangers around? Not wanting a fuss? The expense? Or genuinely not thinking it's that bad?

lurkerspeaks · 24/03/2013 11:52

You have my sympathy. My older grandparents (they are late 80s /early 90s) have got in a bit of a pickle since my Gran started dementing.

Their house was grim. There was/ is clutter everywhere. After much talking round they have accepted my cleaner going in to clean. She is a trooper and is literally tackling it one room at a time and working round the clutter.

I meanwhile am going in when I can (I work full time and have other caring responsibilities) to help them declutter. That is bloody hard work. I spent 7hrs there one day and all we managed to clear out where two kitchen cupboards and an area of worktop about 3foot square.

If I leave stuff for my Grandfather to go through in my absence he doesn't do it. The agreement we now have is that I go through the stuff and sift the important things for him to make a final decision on.

My Gran in lucid moments oposes everything going out. We had a MONUMENTAL row over holey dusters. She has enough dusters left in the house to last her for several remaining lifetimes but she was adamant the old ones (where were more hole than functional duster had to stay). I have to confess for things like that I just go behind her back. For things with sentimental value I respect their views even if to me it looks like junk.

They now really like my cleaner and she has started doing other things for them like picking up groceries on her way in. My Grandfather has now given her a key so she can come in when they are out and hearing him talking about the difference it has made to the house is touching.

The rest of us no longer have to worry about them making themselves ill from dodgy food as she clears it out weekly and the cooker/ work surfaces are always cleaned weekly.

WRT clearing out my top tips would be: lots of black sacks and ikea bags. The ikea bags make it much easier to carry the black sacks. Also try to arrange for someone (my Dad/ brother and hoarder aunt have been very good at doing this bit) to come and remove the stuff at the end of the day. This is after the bitter experience of leaving a box of charity shop stuff behind one day to discover on my next visit that my Gran had got at it and redistributed it all back around the house. What a waste of effort.

I also now take round my fairly industrial shredder as their domestic one can't keep up with the volume of paperwork we are finding that needs shredded.

I have also written to 42 charities requesting that they stop harrassing my Gran for donations.

Nanny0gg · 24/03/2013 11:53

It's horrible, but you really mustn't force it. He may never forgive you - especially if he then thinks that something 'precious' has gone missing. It must be a horrible thing to watch and it may well be that SS would not like your mother living that way, but you really ought to get him to agree. If he still has all his mental faculties he won't appreciate it. Can you go over on your own to at least start on sorting all the papers?

It is recognised that hoarding is something that many people start doing as they get older - but it is a recognised condition that needs handling sensitively or they'll just do it again once things have been cleared.

lurkerspeaks · 24/03/2013 11:54

I did also apply a little bit of emotional blackmail to my Grandfather.

"I pay for a cleaner. Yet you refuse to have one so in effect you are demanding that I do things for you that I don't even do for myself. How is that fair?"

His reluctance was fear of the cleaners and the clutter and a fear of strangers. My cleaner getting availability at the right time was just amazing as she has cleaned for me for years and I trust her implicitly and they know this.

FlouncyMcFlouncer · 24/03/2013 12:01

I think that if BOTH your parents had dementia, it'd be ok to make that decision - because you'd be the 'responsible adult' in that relationship IYSWIM. But if you dad is in full possession of all his mental faculties, then this has to be his decision. I'd go with keep trying to persuade him , hut be gentle. You don't want to hurt his feelings and if he's a proud man he may take it as criticism of how he's coping.

Good luck x

ClaimedByMe · 24/03/2013 12:05

Can you try frightening a little bit by saying something like if a dr has to come out to the house and it is not looked after they would think your parents are not coping alone and other services would get involved ie social services.

Catmint · 24/03/2013 12:08

I was wondering whether he would find it easier to accept someone coming and doing one room so he has a clean refuge for himself? Then it might be easier to persuade him to have more rooms one by one?

Sorry if this is a rubbish suggestion.