To book a deep clean for my elderly parents (very dirty) house?

[ilikeyoursleeves]

I'm not sure what to do here. My parents are now in their mid 70's and my mum has dementia. My dad cares for her and despite me asking him to get in help both re caring for her and for the house, he always says no and struggles on too proud to accept help. They live a few hours away plus I have 3 children under 5 so it's hard for me to get over regularly and they prefer to visit us because it gives them a change of scene.

They used to have a dog who peed and pood everywhere so tbh I also often avoided going over because I didn't want the kids crawling on the floor. The dog sadly died recently but when I was over this week I again suggested to my dad that he get a cleaner in, even a once off industrial clean. There's mould on walls, dirty floors etc. I cleaned the cooker and gave the place a wipe down but it's nigh impossible to do when a baby is screaming at the same time! My dad just keeps saying that he needs to sort out all the stuff in the house first (piles of paper and stuff everywhere) before anyone can clean and when I said I'd come over more and clean it he said no.

I'm now thinking of just booking someone to come out to clean it but I don't want to hurt his feelings or annoy him either. But it's really dirty and can't be good for their health. It's really annoying how he just struggles on himself refusing any help, he's starting to look quite stressed by it all too.

AIBU to just book a cleaner?

I think you will be better off paying someone to look after your child for a few days and cleaning it yourself as your parents will be more comfortable having you in there house than professional cleaners. (Unfortunately)

Lurker you sound like you've done loads to help your grandparents, well done, it sounds like its really made a difference!

Re why he's reluctant to get someone in... A number of reasons I think. His dad died when he was only 11 and being the eldest of 3 he became the father figure who helped his mum take on responsibilities, and I think this contributes a lot to his mindset of 'you must carry on regardless and not let anyone worry about you'. He is from the war generation where you don't throw anything out cos you're lucky to have it, he scrimps and always buys stuff from the reduced price shelves even though he and my mum are on great state pensions and have no mortgage. He told me they ate a tin of rice pudding the other week even though it was four years out of date! He wouldn't dare throw it away and that's the problem with the clutter, if it exists then he thinks he shouldn't chuck it out.

I think he's a bit blind to the actual state of the place re dirt too. Plus he's an immensely proud man who keeps thoughts and emotions to himself too so whenever I try to speak to him about the house or my mum all I get is 'I'm fine don't you worry, just focus on your own family'.

Argh.

ilikeyoursleeves I couldn't give a quote on a house without seeing it or having a clear idea of what the state of it was.

And, I don't really "do" clutter. But, if a house is really dirty and needs me all day long, then I'd charge £100-£120 or so. If I had my husband cleaning with me and it took us all day, it would be double.

This could be me, it's so close to my experience. Mother (who used to be house proud) has dementia, father at sea with house maintenance. I lived overseas for 2 years and when I got back to the UK DH and I went to stay we were shocked by how dirty the place was (dried cat shit all over carpets/mould on surfaces and bottles of stuff in fridge with layers of mould on). I initially remonstrated with him and he was very defensive. Eventually my dsis and I gave him an ultimatum: we said the house was a health hazard and if he didn't book an industrial deep clean we would. That focused his mind a bit and he sorted it - they now have carers who do a lot of the day to day cleaning and have a deep clean four times a year. It costs about £150.
Yes, you have to be gentle and tactful but there can be a lot of denial involved when your spouse has dementia and if the carer isn't coping then it can be up to family to step in.

o p, please stop and read, and 'listen'.

if you mess with your dad's stuff, have people move his papers, no matter how kindly meant, you might unbalance his life and make him unable to function.

do n o t do it.

instead, get someone in to look after your mum for a week (or take her on holiday, arrange respite care) while your dad sorts the house - and get him a cleaner a couple of hours a day from day 2, so that you can say to him, on Tuesday you need to be ready for the cleaner to do the kitchen, on Wednesday the cleaner will come to do the bathroom.

Make sure he has plenty of boxes, big labels and marker pens so he can store his stuff safely.

when all is tidy, he needs daily or weekly help. presumably up-thread people have talked about carers' allowance etc...

Just wanted to say, OP, that sounds so difficult and you are in a really hard situation.

I like candy's idea, if they would accept you and 'friends' coming over.

I get what is being said about the intrusiveness and the worry about it being his stuff he's got used to, but this sounds really, really, seriously bad. It is dangerous for their health. I don't think you should force him but you should feel you're doing the right thing to keep trying to work out some way he'll accept it.

I think the war generation "Make do and mend" suffer terribly.

I am also now really anti supermarket offers as I think a lot of what is bought using them (especially cleaning products - my Grandparents have enough bleach to last 3 years at my reckoning) is wasted.

There is also a strong hoarding trait in my family - it now appears that my Gran was keeping my Grandfather in check and without her their house has spiralled out of control - I keep finding credit card receipts for supermarket shopping dating back to 2004....

likeyoursleeves Do you have any childcare you could call on as it sounds a v. stressful environment to take a small child into? I find it stressful and it is just me and them. Neither the grandparents nor my grandmother (I have 3 remaining grandparents) are capable of clearing out on their own. Single grandmother is more able to make the decisions but she needs physical help. Grandparents suffer from Gran's dementia and Grandfather's hoarding tendency.

They also end up with bonkers storage arrangements IMO. Single grandmother has all the clothes she wears on a daily basis in her spare bedroom wardrobe (that you have to move a chair to access) and all her evening wear (which I can't really envisage her wearing much in the future tbh) in the easily accessible wardrobe in the master bedroom. As a result she doesn't change her clothes very often and smells. Nice. She has carers to help her dress but she is often up and dressed before they arrive. I know they suggest she changes her clothing but can't be too prescriptive. As a result all visiting family members now try to assess from the laundry pile when she last changed and will bully her into changing.

Trying to get her to change her storage round is proving challenging (she herself is pretty wily - she agrees to do it and you arrange a time to do so but when you actually arrive to help do it is "too tired" or "not feeling well")!

I find this v. frustrating as I am single handedly trying to help her and my other grandparents and on her side I have an aunt who lives miles away who is terrified that I might do her out of some of her inheritance. I won't but it is hard not to let that rile me as I feel strongly that if she cared so much maybe she could actually come and help given that she is retired and has adult children who don't need much input.

But hey, I'm derailing the thread. Sorry.

I think I also find it hard cos we have never been a family who talk about serious issues. Always been superficial both in affection and discussions so I think both me and my dad find it quite hard to discuss. He barely even talks about my mums diagnosis and how it affects both of them.

My mum goes to a day centre on Mondays but that's about it. They would never go away for a weekend etc cos my mum also has heart problems, arthritis and can barely walk anywhere. She has a mobility scooter but doesn't use it.

I've got a sister and brother too. My brother is in nz and not been home in 8 years but he's over this summer for 5 weeks so I've asked him to try to persuade dad to accept help. Long story but I've recently disowned my sister so I'm not contacting her. But we've previously spoken about clearing up etc and she gets the same response from my dad.

We had this situation. My sisters occupied mum and dad out of their house for the weekend and I cleaned their room, bathroom, kitchen and living room. I couldn't get all of it done in a whole weekend. I also had 3 under 4 so sympathise, my dh looked after the kids.

I didn't ask before I did it and risked that dad would go ballastic. I was really careful to put all their stuff back how I had found it. It didn't help that their house was full of junk. I wasn't there when dad came back so didn't see his reaction. He called me to thank me later in the week, and sorted out a cleaner by asking around family and friends. Seeing it clean made him realise how bad it had all got. A friend's daughter now comes once a week and it has made so much difference. I think having a cleaner he knew made it easier to accept someone coming into the home.

Good luck, it is not easy having such small kids and a parent with dementia.

I agree that you can't impose this on him without his agreement. I also think that he's concerned about his paperwork / stuff, and that concern needs to be respected.

Someone else suggested getting a deep clean (or as deep as you can get without disrupting too much of their stuff) on just one room (kitchen or bathroom?). This might both help increase the pleasantness and also make them a little more likely to accept the same on a second room. Can you offer to pay as a birthday present?

Or could would your dad accept a weekly cleaner (you or someone else) for a few hours a week, and you suggest to the weekly cleaner that it's a case of slow improvement rather than all at once, and to clean around the stuff and not disturb it. Any improvements might help: getting inside the windows cleaned, an oven deep clean, the fridge, light switches etc.

Would it be possible to get carpets cleaned, or is there too much stuff / furniture on the floor to access them properly?

I also think that if you can support him to SLOWLY reduce the clutter / paperwork (by helping in person) that could help him feel in control of his environment.

I recently found it incredibly hard to book a cleaner for my own home, because I felt that I SHOULD be on top of it, despite my own illness and caring roles. Making it a temporary thing helped (just a couple of sessions .... one more ... maybe until May... till the summer .... a bit at a time it became permanent, but I couldn't face making it a permanently arrangement initially. I love that you are caring enough to step up to this and want to do something to help look after your parents. best wishes.

What would happen if you said Cleaners or Social Services? Would that give him the push to let you do it?

With all the stuff - once the house started to be clean it kind of gave dad energy to sort some of the stuff, and tbh now mum is worse she doesn't object or get upset about stuff being moved. Dad just fills boxes up and stuffs them in the spare room.

With the paperwork, dad did agree to me shoving it all in my car in crates (it filled my car) and I bought it back organised into lever arch files a few days later.

I also had to stop various organisations harassing my mother for money .

Oh, and we had similar issues with a grandparent. It is so tricky, and I love hearing the stories on this thread of people who have helped their parents overcome such situations.

My mum has a nurse visiting and no one has called SS, it's bad but not quite uninhabitable yet though probably not too far off. I remember we had a cleaner for a bit when we were kids too but then it was my mum who ran the house then.

The problem is the clutter - there's no point trying to clean with clutter - you can't even make a start.

Can you de clutter one room and then get that one cleaned - or maybe a lounge and the kitchen to start with - and maybe the bathroom - and that might be a help?

Would it be outrageous if you go them away for a weekend, a minibreak, and got some cleaners to blitz thru then? Could someone else in the family supervise the cleaners to reassure him?

*got them away for weekend.

Lljkk- they wouldn't go away for a weekend due to my mums mobility problems etc.

With regards to de cluttering and cleaning I always find the bathroom an easy quick start. Everything can be wiped down. Stuff that's beyond it's use by date (medicines, shampoo that's been open after 18 months) can be chucked. Then you can finish off with wiping with thin bleach and water and it looks/smells cleaner. You could take before and after pictures to show how dirty the house has got?
If you hired a carpet cleaner (I think from big supermarkets), perhaps your dad could do it himself and feel like he's done something. Can't think of anything else. I'm in a similar situation where I need to clean, but can't because I'm not allowed to throw away stuff that isn't mine. I've thrown away loads of stuff that's mine to make space, but still there's dirt everywhere. I'm not allowed to throw away (and replace) smelly rugs because they just need a good scrub burning more like so I really do sympathise with you op.

I did something similar for my dad (and step-mum who was dying at the time :(). He has a 1 bed bungalow and it took a long time - all made a lot worse by the fact that they both smoked in the house (Dad has now stopped thankfully).
I agree that thet 'stuff' needs sorting out first. It took me two full days just to sort out the paper work (all correspondance piled up, put back in envelopes, stuff in cupboards, between recipe books in kitchen - everywhere!). My dad resisted this at first, then he let me do it in full view of him and then he just let me have free rein. He was resistent to let go of much at start (found an old broken loo seat in their bedroom amongst other treasures - that was how bad it was!) but in the end he caught the decluttering bug. I then gave the place a thorough clean (again, days) and cleaned all the carpets etc.
When I completed all of that my dad agreed to have a cleaner come in once a week (I live 2 hrs away). His house is never dirty now when I visit or cluttered - it is such a joy and I know that it greatly improved his quality of life. It was definitely worth doing.
I agree with other posters who suggest that it may be more realistic to persuade them to let you help them then allow someone else in initially.

My dad just thinks its wasteful to throw things away. He even keeps the tiny bits if soap when the soap bar is practically finished and there's a pile of them at the kitchen sink for use. He complained that the cheap washing up liquid he bought was useless so I said to throw it out then. 'I can't just throw it out, ill use it all first'.

The cloths and sponges used for cleaning dishes look about 5 years old and must have billions of bacteria of them. Again I can't throw them out, it would be wasteful. I just want to chuck tons of stuff out but I know he'd crack up and try to find some use for them. He's bloody impossible!

Can you remind your Dad that they used to have a cleaner so having one again - leaving him free to look after your Mum - would be a good idea. Focus on the positives - more time, having people in etc rather than the negatives.

It is a good idea and very kind of you. But check with your Dad first to see if he is comfortable with this. A lot of people don't like having others in touching their possessions. I agree that you could say it would be better to have the house cleaned if a doctor or nurse was needed. Hope your Dad agrees. I definitely don't think you should go ahead and book it without checking first even though you might be tempted. Don't.

Respite care is possible. And if you pay (you may not need to for your mum) then your dad can go too. We're getting some for an elderly relative who needs work doing on their house and it won't be liveable in whilst it's being done.
Some 'homes' are lovely and it really could be a nice break for them whilst there would still be care for your mum.
Talk to SS about it.

The foul cloths and scrappy bits of soap .
Can you put the cloths through the washing machine, so that they'll either be cleaner or disintegrate so much that you have to replace them? Can you get a jar for the soap scraps so they don't pile up as much? Can you pounce on rubbish he's saving and announce it's just what you need for a job at home / project with the children, would he mind if you had it, and take it away (or would that lead to more hoarding rather than less)?

I hoard (not like this) and find it so hard to just get rid of stuff that might come in handy or isn't finished.