To book a deep clean for my elderly parents (very dirty) house?

[ilikeyoursleeves]

I'm not sure what to do here. My parents are now in their mid 70's and my mum has dementia. My dad cares for her and despite me asking him to get in help both re caring for her and for the house, he always says no and struggles on too proud to accept help. They live a few hours away plus I have 3 children under 5 so it's hard for me to get over regularly and they prefer to visit us because it gives them a change of scene.

They used to have a dog who peed and pood everywhere so tbh I also often avoided going over because I didn't want the kids crawling on the floor. The dog sadly died recently but when I was over this week I again suggested to my dad that he get a cleaner in, even a once off industrial clean. There's mould on walls, dirty floors etc. I cleaned the cooker and gave the place a wipe down but it's nigh impossible to do when a baby is screaming at the same time! My dad just keeps saying that he needs to sort out all the stuff in the house first (piles of paper and stuff everywhere) before anyone can clean and when I said I'd come over more and clean it he said no.

I'm now thinking of just booking someone to come out to clean it but I don't want to hurt his feelings or annoy him either. But it's really dirty and can't be good for their health. It's really annoying how he just struggles on himself refusing any help, he's starting to look quite stressed by it all too.

AIBU to just book a cleaner?

My parents now have a twice weekly cleaner after dad was admitted to hospital with septicemia. They chose the cleaner and get on very well with her.

My mum has finally, and at terrible cost, realised that a cleaner at their age is not a luxury it is a necessity. Before dad was admitted she was all 'independent' like and thought my suggestions about a cleaner were wasteful. I was made to feel guilty for even suggesting a cleaner.

I refuse to waste my time and energy cleaning or decluttering their home. I'm not noble enough. I simply point out to mum that if she can't declutter, or sack the cleaner, social services will take her into a home. Which is true. With clutter their house is a death trap. She now puts at least 5 bags of paper a week out for recycling. She has finally accepted that they have retired and are growing old and have no need for paperwork relating to their working lives.

The others on this thread are heroines.

How about a compromise, OP. Ask your dad if you can get a cleaner in to do the kitchen and the bathrooms... he doesnt have to declutter and you can say its a hygiene thing.

Once thats done, ask if you can get a carpet cleaning company in to do eg downstairs and the stairs and landing upstairs. You can transport clutter upstairs beforehand.

Then get a cleaner in to maintain the hoovering and dusting and keep kitchen and bathrooms tidy.

My aunt would not have a cleaner in after my uncle died, as she was ashamed of how the house looked. I went in and did a high level clean over two days - just piled stuff up and shoved stuff in cupboards, so the house wasnt so mucky when cleaner came. SInce then, cleaner has come every week and keeps on top of things. The cleaner also provides a bit of company for her, so spends half an hour chatting over a cuppa before she does her work.

Eventually you could ask your dad if the cleaner could hoover in the spare room and finally if she could have a good clean in their room. By this time, he should trust the cleaner and be OK with it.

I had to sort my Mum's house out, she has Dementia. Situation was fractionally helped by the horrendous state of my Aunt's house when she died and Mum always said for me to not let her get like that.

I marched round armed with various bits, including files which are still unused. Started in the kitchen just shifting her massive collection of plastic bags. Put a couple of bags worth in her cupboard then sneaked the rest out whilst she was in the toilet. Recycled the majority of (badly cleaned) takeaway containers leaving a few cleaned ones and ditched the two thousand (slight exaggeration) custard tart cases. Straight away it looked better, she was pleased with how it looked and more receptive to dealing with the massive piles of papers on the sofa (under which I found a toilet roll holder that won't come off the sofa).

With the papers we went through it 'together' so she still felt in control. She did humph a bit and for a few weeks I got a bit of where did you put this. I'd already persuaded her to have a cleaner so it's much easier for her to keep it clean. Her bedroom needs sorting but the bed is fixed, regular changes of bedclothes and I took four loads of washing out the house. At some point I will tackle the horrendously out of date cosmetics ad the second bedroom that is full of stuff. But it's all much more hygienic now and she is happy that a lots been done.

Nest big challenge for me is the paperwork but a bit different for me as I'm awaiting Power of Attorney. It seems that different people have had success with different methods so I guess you have to decide which he'll respond best to.

Can I ask what power of attorney involves re setting it all up? My dad asked me a few years ago if I'd be their POA but have never mentioned it since. Then I heard you're meant to at least sign something?

I think ill need to phone him / sit him down and talk all these things through with him and again try to get him to accept some sort of help for the house.

I agree you will have to decide how he would react to things. If it would put him in a strop for a short while but he'd come round then I'd go ahead, if it would cause him distress then maybe a gentler approach.

Personally I'd maybe pay for childcare and go in myself, more likely to get stuff done than a stranger turning up at his door, you will get more done childfree, and it will cost less than a deep clean company. I'd be firm and would be binning soap scraps, dishcloths, old bags, etc.

Can you offer to wash the pots while he sits with a cup of tea and take out the waste bin, then stick a load of rubbish in your car boot to bin at your end?

Can you excuse yourself to the bathroom and go in with some bleach and a bin bag (again putting any rubbish in your car to bin at your house)?

If you put stuff in his bin I suspect he'd take it out.

Paper could all be put into a few big boxes to sort at a later point but that way they'd all be together. Then you could do a list of things that need to be kept, that he'd like to keep, and that can be binned.

The Dettol mould and mildew remover spray bottle is fab for grubby walls and surfaces, it's bleachy so you could use it in the bathroom too.

This explains a bit about it. I downloaded the forms and did a lot myself but then a local charity finished it off for me for much less than the Solicitors were quoting. It's now in at the Office of Protection being registered.

It's 3 parts. The first part is signed by 'the Donor' ie your Dad. Second part by the Certificate provider - we used GP but he wasn't that happy. A family friend can do it or if going through a solicitor they do it. Then third section is signed by the Attorneys. I have a brother who lives abroad and hasn't been back for 4 years so we have set it up needing both our signatures on the house but either of us can sign for everything else. I don't know how it works for both parents, whether it's one each.

It was something the Memory Clinic wanted Mum to sort whilst still able as if you're deemed to have lost 'capacity' it all has to go through the Court of Protection which is harder to organise and expensive.

Maybe sorting the POA can be a front for decluttering? Something along the lines of Dad I'll get someone to look after the DC's, we'll order some lunch in, we can go through your papers so I know what's what and sort the POA you mentioned before.

Sort out POA now while he is lucid. If you mum is dementing you need to get it done for her too but it is a different (more expensive route) of which my knowledge is hazy.

Sad but true. The happiest day of my life recently was when my Grandparents showed me their POA documents - which are beautifully written and properly registered. Other Gran is still refusing to get hers sorted out but as her daughter is the most likely to choice to wield POA and I don't think she is fit to do so (based on previous comments as to what she would do if she got it) I'm not pushing too much at the moment. Having to write to the office of the public guardian to dispute my Gran's decision won't be pretty or good for family relations.

POA has 2 parts one concerned with finance another with welfare ie choosing a home, making medical decisions for them if necessary, your mother can't sign one so a court of protection order would be necessary; your father can sign, the finance one can be in place immediately the welfare one can only be acted on once mental capacity to make own decisions has gone

cleaning your Dad's house fine decluttering for him very bad idea, unless hazardous waste like mouldy soup in fridge

My grandparents were also getting in a terrible mess with recycling - our Local authority as a ridiculous system with alternate week collections of differently coloured boxes. Even I, as a fully with it, adult get completed confused about what goes in each box and what is collected each week.

I bought the grandparents a set of stackable recycling bins (which fortunately fit just inside their back door), labelled them up with colour coded labels and arranged for my aunt who is round there a lot to get the reminder e.mails about what colour each week is.

So far it is working much better. (Crosses fingers and keeps hoping).

There is an elderly parents forum on here which looks useful but I've not posted there yet.

WRT stuff like the soap I got rid of it - saying 'you've been keeping it for X years and haven't got round to making a new bar yet, so you are unlikely to do so'. This was easier as I found a stash of soap which will probably last them 'til they die.

I haven't done the Health and Welfare POA as was as much as I could do at the time to sort the Financial one. It used to be the one form did both I think ? But now it's two separate forms. I can well understand Lurker's feeling of happiness at bent presented with registered POA. Trying to do that plus the Attendance Allowance form was a bit of a nightmare at the time, I was so relived to get help which the Alzheimer's society put me onto.

I used to work in a job where I saw lots of elderly peoples homes. There were a lot that looked liked the needed a really deep clean and tidy up.

However, there is a difference between untidy, dusty and dirty homes and actually unsanitary homes. A layer of dust and 'grime' probably won't do any harm whereas having old food waste or animal mess lying around would.

Neither of my parents has dementia but my Dad cares for my Mum who has neuropathic pain and self-prescribes sleeping pills to cope. Neither social services or GP's or mental health services will do anything to help let alone 'put her in a home' -which TBH would be a better solution

Yikes the POA thing sounds very complicated. What would happen then if your parents needed decisions made and you didn't have POA? I'm not even sure they have a will cos it was only a while back my mum said they had to do one.

If your parents weren't able to make decisions for themselves and didn't have poa it get complicated. Its far easier to sort out the poa while your dad can sign his - you can do the forms and get them registered at any time and then "activate " them when it is needed. But because of your mum's dementia hers will be more complicated. Somewhere like age UK may be able to advise.

Your Dad might have got all the paperwork sorted out already - I know when they changed the system (and put the price up) A few years ago my parents did all the paperwork but it would only be activated if they become incapable, and as I understand it, that's when my signature would be needed. All their filled out forms are sitting in their upstairs filling cabinet, along with their wills and solicitors details. Hopefully that's what your parents have done (I only know because Mum told me the contents of her will and showed me where the paperwork is, Dad apparently doesn't want me to know what his will says probably left the 10p I am likely to inherit to the golf club).

I think I'll phone him tomorrow and ask about the POA thing. And also the cleaning / clutter issue. Wish me luck!