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AIBU?

Aibu to not expect 'D'P to not act like a twat (warning TMI)

96 replies

Purplefurrydice · 23/03/2013 13:32

I get home from an exercise session and get in the bath. After a few minutes I start to get a sparkly zig zig crystal thing in my left eye and can't see. This stops after about 10-15 minutes. I get out the bath and tell DP what has happened as I am a bit frightened by this. DP suggests I might have a migraine (I have never had one before) I go to bed as I am feeling funny and headachy. DP joins me in bed (despite me tell I feel headachy and need to rest). DP starts massaging my leg (which is nice) and then moves up to my lower back/bum. He then proceeds to start poking me in my bum with his erect penis. I do not respond as I am trying to rest/sleep. DP continues poking me. I start gently sobbing. DP gets huffy as I won't open my legs. I tell him my head is hurting and I am trying to rest and start sobbing loudly. DP goes off in a huff.

Aibu not to expect DP to act like a twat and consider my feelings?

OP posts:

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TheDegglyDonkey · 23/03/2013 14:01

Bloody hell! The op had a migraine, why on earth should she have to say no? What man in their right mind would try to initiate sex with an ill person?
Or am I just married to one of the last decent men?

Really shocked at some of these replies - just say no? FFS

RubixCube · 23/03/2013 14:02

It is a disgusting question when the op clearly states she was ill with migraine.He knew his partner was ill which would be pretty obvious she would not want sex

ethelb · 23/03/2013 14:04

Trying to have sex, or even suggesting you would like to have sex to someone who is in bed, ill, is disgusting behaviour. No, it wasn't rape, but I would say it was sexual assult.

And yes any normal, human adult knows the difference, or you are not mature enough to be having sex.

However, the most importnat issue is if the OP is ok. How are you feeling?

Purplefurrydice · 23/03/2013 14:06

After I got out the bath I told DP I was worried about the crystal thingy in my eye and I was going to lie down as head was hurting and I wasn't feeling well. I go to lie down in the bedroom and DP follows me shortly afterward. He talks about going to the pet shop and I tell him I am having a lie down as my head is hurting bad. DP offers to massage me and I stick my leg out of the duvet. I say that will be nice as it might help relax me as my head is hurting badly.

I don't know how he interpreted me being scared and in pain as meaning I want sex. I was careful to clearly repeat that my head was hurting badly several times to make it clear to DP I was going to the bedroom for rest. To be honest I was starting to nod off to sleep when he started poking me (so there was no encouraging sounds) otherwise my response woul have been to tell him to bugger off. However, I initially just tensed my muscles (so he couldn't access anywhere) as I was discombobulated.

What I was hoping he would do was a) give me a bit of a massage to try and relax me, b) check I was ok and if I needed anything c) get me some water and painkillers, d) let me rest

OP posts:

KoalaFace · 23/03/2013 14:06

Of course he should not have tried it on while he knew she was ill. And of course consent first. I totally agree.

I asked about her not telling him no because if OP often feels unable to then I'd think its a bigger problem with her DH rather than him being a twat one off.

RubixCube · 23/03/2013 14:09

i just really don't like victim blaming.I wouldn't want op to think shes to blame for this mans behaviour when she isn't.Has he ever done it before op?

countrykitten · 23/03/2013 14:10

I agree that he sounds like a stupid and insensitive man who was touting for sex in a rather primitive and pathetic way - I am not sure I would say that he was actually abusive though but maybe I am being too lenient here. He was certainly out of order and not the kind of person I could respect or want to be with so maybe yes - he was abusive. I would have told him to fuck off in no uncertain terms and my concern here is really why the OP did not feel empowered enough to do this - are you afraid of him OP? How long have you been together?

KoalaFace · 23/03/2013 14:12

OP now that its clearer I'd say it sounds even worse! I'd be incandescent if my DH did this.

I think a very serious conversation is in order and if he isn't positively mortified after you tell him how he made you feel then it should send alarm bells ringing about the extent of his selfishness.

Purplefurrydice · 23/03/2013 14:14

I don't usually turn my DP down. However, he has started to poke me in the back before and I have moved away and asked him what on earth he was doing and not to start poking me as I don't like it. However, on these occasions I was not in pain or half asleep.

OP posts:

countrykitten · 23/03/2013 14:16

Yes - your further explanation makes it clearer. I would be worried and consider my relationship compromised by this behaviour. Hope you are ok.

pinkyredrose · 23/03/2013 14:17

OP I remeber your other threads about this idiot, sulking and not talking to you when you mentioned getting married, expecting you to get out of bed to pick him up from the pub when he said he'd be back hours earlier.

What are his good points? Honestly you can do alot better, he doesn't have much respect for you.

countrykitten · 23/03/2013 14:18

Good Lord - is this 'poking' style behaviour normal for some people Purplefurrydice? Is this what passes for foreplay? It's revolting and if my DH thought that he could initiate sex through 'poking' me we would never have any sex.

VictorTango · 23/03/2013 14:19

Koloa- Thats how I read your first answer, that you were worried the OP felt like she couldn' say no and it was part of a bigger problem.

OP he is a self centred twat. LTB.

Nagoo · 23/03/2013 14:19

YANBU to expect him to not be a twat about it when you say you don't want sex.

I don't know about normal humans but my DH would still be up for sex if his leg was hanging off. Maybe he dp in this case was judgin the op by his own standards. My DH would definitely think a leg/ bum massage would mean I was up for it. I don't think it's abusive unless it was obvious to him she was distressed. We just don't know that.

YoothaJoist · 23/03/2013 14:21

'I don't usually turn my DP down. However, he has started to poke me in the back before'

Wow. And now he's turned on by you being ill and in pain. Honestly, if my partner started prodding me with an erection when I was having a migraine I'd tie a fucking knot in it.

This isn't right, OP. You do know that, don't you?

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 23/03/2013 14:22

OP, twat of a DP aside you need to go and get the eye thing checked out. Visual disturbances may be caused by a migraine but there are many other causes too, especially if you have not previously had migraines.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/03/2013 14:24

Two things. If I refuse sex, DH never sulks. That is revolting behaviour.

Also, I know this as the symptoms of a detached retina. Get to your GP, in extreme cases your sight is at risk.

Purplefurrydice · 23/03/2013 14:32

Do you think I should go to a Walk In Centre about my eye or make a GP appointment on Monday, or should I make an appointment with the optician?

To be honest I think P is annoyed as

A) I had a period this week (gasp!)
B) Since our relationship is going down the pan I have decided to 'get a life' meaning I have made a big effort to go to regular exercise classes, see friends and family more often (even If they are a long drive away 1.5/2 hours away). Therefore, I am trying to gradually wean myself off him.

I would have already ended our relationship but I don't have the money yet to rent anywhere else (but I am saving) and my dept is being restructured at work (so might not have job soon). I was hoping I could get an little money behind me and sort the job situation before have the serious conversation about our relationship.

OP posts:

Mia4 · 23/03/2013 14:37

OP he sounds controlling and possibly abusive if he's behaving like this. It's great you are trying to wean yourself off but you really need to leave. Is there anyone you can stay with while you save? Family or friends?

He's acting like a petulant child and being extremely unsympathetic and cuntish.

And i agree with the other posters saying that it's not 'no means no' it's 'yes means yes'- it's disgusting that anyone would think someone in bad pain and crying should have to turn around and say no to sex. My BIL has bad crohns, perhaps next time he's flaring up my sister should push herself on him despite his pain and upset.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/03/2013 14:39

Dr Google is saying immediate doctor visit.

I want to ask, although an worried about the answer, if your relationship is going down the pan, why do you rarely refuse sex? Do you still want to or feel you have to?

LatteLady · 23/03/2013 14:40

PFD - Did this happen this morning?

Any visual disturbance should be seen PDQ - ring your surgery for your Out of Hours provider and do it now, please.

Don't muck about, do it now, your sight is precious.

As to your OH behaviour, no comment, but your sight and health are much more important.

pinkyredrose · 23/03/2013 14:41

LTB. Seriously. He sounds like an immature idiot, don't waste anymore of your life on him.

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DaysieGoneBananas · 23/03/2013 14:49

Im sorry you're having a horrible day. Regarding your visual disturbance you would be better to go to the optician than a doctor. The reason being that opticians know what they are looking for more so than a GP and they have more specialised equipment available to check you over. If there is something wrong they will have more opportunity to find it and refer you to a specialist if needed. I speak from experience. Go to an independent one to. .. they usually have more equipment and longer appointment times.

SorryMyLollipop · 23/03/2013 14:57

He is a twat.

A migraine with visual disturbances is called a migraine with an "aura".

Dump your "D"H and visit your GP x

Purplefurrydice · 23/03/2013 15:01

Off into town now to try to see optician.

OP posts:

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