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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect pil to treat their granddaughters equally

81 replies

PrincessScrumpy · 23/03/2013 10:08

Dd1 is 5 and dtds are 18 months old. Now I know they're too young to notice but dd1 might. Mil messaged dh to say she was sending money for us to buy eggs For dc and a book for dd1 that she knows she wants and a book for dtds. I thought maybe the dtds book cost more than dd1s but it arrived with the invoice and it was a pound cheaper. aibu to be annoyed dtds have to share their book?

DH spoke to mil and mentioned in a jokey voice that we have 3dc and asked if she'd forgotten and since that she is now sending another book but seemed to imply we were demanding gifts for dc which isn't the case. We weren't expecting Easter gifts at all but if she wants to then I feel it should be shared between all 3, one each or at least if dtds have to share the cost should be roughly double dd1s gift.
I know it's sorted now but Aibu to think she shouldn't have created three situation to begin with?

OP posts:

Dannilion · 23/03/2013 10:13

Personally it wouldn't bother me as the twins are babies and will probably chew the book or flush it down the toilet. (or maybe I just know demon children?)

I also think its a bit weird that you're consciously checking the price of these gifts.

However, twins are often viewed as a 'unit' and I guess that must be quite frustrating. So YABU but YANBU.

EggsPressYourself · 23/03/2013 10:16

Sorry I think YABVU

And checking the costs of the gifts??

I think your PIL behaved entirely reasonably.

pumpkinsweetie · 23/03/2013 10:17

Maybe she views your twins as a unit iyswim, although frustrating many people do that. I'm sure she didn't mean to upset you in any way, if they were older i would say yanbu, but as they are still very little yabu.

Original poster

PrincessScrumpy · 23/03/2013 10:19

I only checked the price to see if dtds book was lots more than dds as it would justify difference.
they are not a unit they are 2 beautiful little girls who have been born on the same day. Just because they shared a placenta didn't mean they have to share presents when feel gets them to herself surely?

OP posts:

rhondajean · 23/03/2013 10:19

Yanbu expecting the twins to be treated as two children.

Tabu checking costs ; though I actually get your point, because someone would have posted " maybe the twins book cost more" if you didn't mention it

meditrina · 23/03/2013 10:20

Maybe she thinks the DTDs will have the benefit of hand-me-downs?

Maybe she isn't as money oriented as you, and considered the story not the price tag?

Maybe she has a cosy mental picture of the twins sharing a bedtime?

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 23/03/2013 10:20

I actually think it is not unreasonable to be miffed that 'The Twins' appear to be being treated like one person.

I think it's a good idea to stop that early on, to avoid a lifetime of being referred to as Twinnie or The Twins, and sharing the one birthday card, and the one gift.

If you had 3 children born at 3 different times, would you have had 2 gifts to share between them? I suspect not. I think that that is a reasonable thing to feel miffed about. Your children are three people, not two.

The monetary value is a very unreasonable thing to feel cross about. They're 18 months old.

Original poster

PrincessScrumpy · 23/03/2013 10:22

If 3 gifts arrived I wouldn't have even thought to look at prices

OP posts:

fuzzysnout · 23/03/2013 10:24

Perhaps you might have a point (sort of) if the DTs were older but frankly it sounds as though you're being ungrateful, not to mention ridiculous and rather rude.

So your MIL goes to the effort of choosing nice (unnecessary) gifts for your DC and all you can do is complain? Seriously, what book do you think would be suitable for a five year old and an eighteen month old to share? The DTs book should cost twice as much? Entitled, much?
If I was your MIL I wouldn't be bothering again.

Seriously though, you're having a laugh yeah? No one's really as rude & ungrateful as you describe you & your DH here.

Footface · 23/03/2013 10:25

Yanbu, 3 dc's equals 3 present. Hopefully mil will have thought about it and it won't happen next time.

Dannilion · 23/03/2013 10:25

IMO looking as prices to 'justify' someone's choice in gifts doesn't make it any more reasonable. I hope your MiL doesn't know you did that.

ceres · 23/03/2013 10:26

"if dtds have to share the cost should be roughly double dd1s gift."

YABVU. cost has nothing to do with it and i think it a little sad that you obviously think it does.

treating people equitably has nothing to do with spending the same amount of money. i agree that the twins should get a book each. however selection of the books (or any gift) should bebased on what the giver thinks the recipient would like rather than 'i spent X amount on A so i must spend exactly the same on B'.

EverybodysSootyEyed · 23/03/2013 10:27

She also sent you money for eggs - I assume enough for three?

Original poster

PrincessScrumpy · 23/03/2013 10:30

So if you have 3DC, 1 gets a gift and the other 2 have a gift to share that's ok? As a child I would have seen it as favouritism. Dtds are too young to notice but dd1 isn't.

I'm shocked that so many are happy for their dc to be treated differently. I get that mil was doing something nice but I think she didn't think it through. Not falling out over it just feel worried about her seeing dtds as 1.

OP posts:

ENormaSnob · 23/03/2013 10:31

you checked the price and then got on to mil about missing a gift out.

Original poster

PrincessScrumpy · 23/03/2013 10:34

Cost isn't the issue, it's number of gifts. It was purely a thought that if dd1s book cost a pound and dtds was 5 then her thought process would have made more sense to me.
Invoice came out of packet as I pulled the books out so I wasn't hunting for it.

OP posts:

rhondajean · 23/03/2013 10:36

I would be happy for one child to get a gift without the others getting one, rather than this.

LovesBeingWokenEveryNight · 23/03/2013 10:39

I would imagine this is only the start of this sort of thing when you have twins ;or more!)

Dannilion · 23/03/2013 10:39

Yeah, it jus slipped out onto your lap didn't it? You tried to shield your eyes but the bastard invoice had you in a headlock and pulled your hair until you paid it some attention.

Happens to me every time I'm being materialistic, don't worry.

Sorry but you asked if you were being unreasonable, but you're not actually taking on board anything anyone is saying.

everlong · 23/03/2013 10:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scarlettsmummy2 · 23/03/2013 10:44

You sound a bit weird to me! The twins are only 18 months and will have no concept of only getting one book and not two. Fair enough if they were older but they aren't.

DontmindifIdo · 23/03/2013 10:44

I think by mentioning the cost you are going to get people to not notice the real problem here, it's not the amount she spent at all, but that MIL is treating the twin DDs as a single unit, whereas the elder DD is treated as an individual.

One gift for all children to share? Fine. no gifts, fine. One cheap gift each? Also fine. To get one gift for the individual child and one gift for "the twin unit" - not fine.

It needs nipping in the bud, particularly if they look the same, people have a very bad habit of treating identical twins as one person - it seems older people are the worse for this. You'll be getting matching outfits, 'joint' gifts for birthdays and Christmas or the same gifts for both. It's important to treat them as separate people. I know several adult twins who don't get on well with their twin as they resented a childhood of always having to share and be expected to be the same. They are often shoved together in a way that close aged non-twin siblings wouldn't be. (And often non-identical twins are treated more like individuals whereas idential ones are seen more as same person)

DontmindifIdo · 23/03/2013 10:46

BTW - i see what you wre trying to say, you weren't checking the price as such, more before you complained that "she's only bought one gift for the twins" you wanted to be certain it wasn't that she'd bought one thing for a fiver for your DD1 and then spent £30 on the twins' gift - which might justify that being a joint gift before you looked grabby by complaining. As it wasn't much of a difference, then it's not that she bought something expensive to be shared, she obviously just thought "the twins need one gift between them"

Original poster

PrincessScrumpy · 23/03/2013 10:48

I think the original post was badly explained and focuses too much on cost. It's the number of gifts. I here what is being said and I've tried to clarify.

sorry if I haven'texplained well - I have 3DC to entertain. I couldn't care less about the money it's the way mil sees dtds as 1 that I'm miffed by.

OP posts:

EverybodysSootyEyed · 23/03/2013 10:49

But did she get them an egg each?

I would be more upset if the got the twins an egg to share. I don't see the issue of them sharing a book at their age - whatever the cost.

Until my dd turned two my ILs would only give ds presents when they visited. Never bothered dd and ds shares nicely with her anyway.

She bought the book she knew your dd1 wanted so the price is irrelevant. At 18m she probably assumed you have loads of books for them so only bought one.

Tbh this is often a problem subsequent children, twins or not, face as the gps go overboard with the first and then realise how unnecessary it is!

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