Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect pil to treat their granddaughters equally

81 replies

PrincessScrumpy · 23/03/2013 10:08

Dd1 is 5 and dtds are 18 months old. Now I know they're too young to notice but dd1 might. Mil messaged dh to say she was sending money for us to buy eggs For dc and a book for dd1 that she knows she wants and a book for dtds. I thought maybe the dtds book cost more than dd1s but it arrived with the invoice and it was a pound cheaper. aibu to be annoyed dtds have to share their book?

DH spoke to mil and mentioned in a jokey voice that we have 3dc and asked if she'd forgotten and since that she is now sending another book but seemed to imply we were demanding gifts for dc which isn't the case. We weren't expecting Easter gifts at all but if she wants to then I feel it should be shared between all 3, one each or at least if dtds have to share the cost should be roughly double dd1s gift.
I know it's sorted now but Aibu to think she shouldn't have created three situation to begin with?

OP posts:
Original poster
PrincessScrumpy · 23/03/2013 10:50

Thank you for understanding my post don't mind if I do.

OP posts:
lollilou · 23/03/2013 10:50

If your Mil sent enough money for 3 eggs then I think Yabu a bit. Your twins are only young and can't read the book it will be read to them so a joint present is ok in this case.
I would ensure though at Xmas and birthdays they get a present each.

TheBigJessie · 23/03/2013 10:54

I'm not sure. I bought things for them to share all the time when my twins were that young, but I still see them as different people. Fact is, they are always the same age, they do have similar interests, and back then, they didn't need something to unwrap each. Now, at three, they do, so I get them lots of shared things!

ChristmasJubilee · 23/03/2013 11:10

I have 3 ds's with a big gap between ds's 2&3. Dm often brought gifts for or gave money to the eldest 2 and nothing for ds3. I often thought it was a bit strange but he didn't notice and I just let it go.

We do not spend the same money on each one although, over the course of their lifetime, it will probably even out. They get what they need when they need it and what they want when we can manage it. Ds2 got a £600 laptop for his birthday last year. We couldn't have done it for them all but I don't believe that should mean he shouldn't have got it because we couldn't afford 3. Ds1 went on holiday with the school a couple of years ago - if we had to send them all then none of them could have gone. Sometimes I buy one thing for ds's 1&2 to share and something different for ds3 due to their ages.

I get what you are saying about three individual children but sometimes that means one getting something and the others not and sharing sometimes is no bad thing.

MorphandChas · 23/03/2013 11:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

goodygumdrops · 23/03/2013 11:19

YABU. They are 18 months old. Your poor PIL, this is what they get for being nice.

FakePlasticLobsters · 23/03/2013 11:24

YABU. And rude and really ungrateful.

Your elder daughter is significantly older and probably wouldn't enjoy a book that was aimed at the twins age level.

And your twin daughters are far too young to fully appreciate a story that a five year old might enjoy.

As you would probably read the story to the twins at the same time it seems fairly reasonable to let them share a book while they are still so young. And they will probably inherit the book your elder daughter was given when she grows out of it as they will be the right age.

They sent the money to be split equally between the girls, the books were a nice little extra and I wouldn't blame them if they didn't bother at all in future.

BoneyBackJefferson · 23/03/2013 11:24

IMO.

The book is about not showing favouritism. If they had sent the money for the eggs and a book for Dd1 then you could complain about favouritism.

I have no idea if that makes sense.

LandofTute · 23/03/2013 11:34

When you read your twins a story do you always read to them separately or do they sometimes share a book together?

ChaoticisasChaoticdoes · 23/03/2013 11:36

Actually I think you're right to nip the twins being treated as a unit in the bud now. They may be currently too young to notice but if you allow it to happen now then it sets a precedent which will be difficult to change when they do get old enough.

Pandemoniaa · 23/03/2013 11:38

or at least if dtds have to share the cost should be roughly double dd1s gift.

YANBU in expecting your twins to be treated as individuals. But YABU to check prices and dictate how much money should be spent. Very precious, very entitled and, tbh, undermines the genuine case you have for wanting each twin to get their own gift. Also, it really isn't on to complain about presents.

BlueberryHill · 23/03/2013 11:47

I understand where you are coming and have a similar problem. My DTs are 2 1/2 and DS1 is 6. FIL has bought DS1 expensive presents (£30 - £40) as he thinks DS will like them three times over the past four months, nothing for the twins and these were not birthday presents.

I'm not sure when DTs will notice but I don't want them to be the person who has to explain to them why PILs haven't bought anything for them but have for DS1. I'm also furious as DS1 has now learnt that if he asks for toys he gets them, I find that attitude a bit grabby but PILs are convinced it isn't spoiling him.

The last time a parcel arrived I put it in a cupboard and when PILs asked if he had got it said that I needed to get something for the DTs first so that they weren't left out, I put it a bit more tactfully, very grateful for the present etc but.... It isn't about the price, get something cheaper but don't leave them out.

I think in this instance the twins are too young to notice, but they and your DD1 will in the future and they should be treated equally. I know that some people will get joint presents, but family shouldn't do that. I think cost only comes into it when they are much older and have some idea about it, at the moment it is just the number of presents.

BlueberryHill · 23/03/2013 11:48

Oh, when we read to the twins, they each choose a book at bedtime so we get them individual books, they are individuals.

PurpleStorm · 23/03/2013 11:49

YANBU to want the twins to have a present each, I agree that letting MIL think a joint present is fine just because they're twins might cause upset when they get old enough to notice.

But I'd keep any mention of how you think DTs shared present should have cost twice as much as DD1's present out of any conversation with your MIL.

CandyCrushed · 23/03/2013 11:55

Sorry but I think YABU but only because they are little and don't care.

FakePlasticLobsters · 23/03/2013 11:58

But do they listen to them separately as well, or do they each listen to the story the other has chosen as well as their own?

Birthday and Christmas gifts are one thing that should be separate for each child, but this was an extra gift in addition to the money sent to be shared between all three and it was book that could be easily read to both girls at the same time. It's not like it was an item of clothing that only one could wear at once, or a doll or bear that only one could take to bed.

It does make sense to want the twins to be treated as individuals but it really doesn't come across that way when the OP says she wouldn't have minded a joint gift if it had cost double the price of her elder daughter's gift. And ringing up to ask if the PILs if they had forgotten one of the children when they had sent money for all of them also makes it seem as though it's not just about wanting them to each receive a gift. They could have used a bit of the money to buy a third book if that was the case, and then bought each girl a cheaper egg as well.

MotheringShites · 23/03/2013 12:01

This is a mountain/molehill situation.

I really think some people actively look for reasons to be pissed off with their in-laws.

NorthernLurker · 23/03/2013 12:02

I think you were really, really rude to your inlaws tbh. If I were them I would tell you they won't be buying the dcs gifts anymore but instead putting money in to an account for each of them that they can have when they're 18. Then when dcs said 'why don't we get a present from you grandma' I would take great pleasure in explaining it was because 'Mummy couldn't play nicely'

But I'm in a very evil mood today Grin

DorisIsWaiting · 23/03/2013 12:13

YANBU

I think I understand where you are coming from and would challenge it too (better at this age than when it is them who are noticing).

They will already have to share a birthdy a why should they have to share on other holidays especially when big sister does not have to.

BlueberryHill · 23/03/2013 12:15

I think asking if DTs listen to the books separately is missing the point, as they get older they are gong to see that they have to share a present with their twin whilst their older sibling has an individual present. There are enough issues with trying to get twins seen as individuals without your own family adding to the problem.

The MIL specified which books she wished to buy for them, from the other side if the OP just changes that, isn't that being ungrateful as well? I have in the past bought additional presents, but I am not going to always be able to do it in time and TBH why should I? My PIL need to see them all as individual children (we do have other issues with this, presents is just one aspect to it).

The problem is the MIL not seeing them as individuals, I think going into the cost isn't the right way to approach it at the moment. In the future once they are a lot older, if there are large discrepancies on the cost of presents that will create problems but not at this age.

MotheringShites · 23/03/2013 12:21

But you have said it would be acceptable to share a gift IF it had cost double the amount of elder DDs.

This is about money, not individuality.

FakePlasticLobsters · 23/03/2013 12:28

But she has said that she wouldn't have questioned the shared gift if it was twice as expensive as the single gift.

And why is the MIL getting all the blame? I'm not sure what you mean by "The MIL specified which books she wished to buy for them, from the other side if the OP just changes that, isn't that being ungrateful as well?" Do you mean that the MIL is being ungrateful by choosing what books to buy? Or that you agree that the OP is being ungrateful by asking for another book?

I can completely understand why they want the twins to be treated as individuals but I do think that the way they went about it now seems very ungrateful, especially as the OP said she expects shared gifts to cost twice as much as single gifts. That's not giving the twins their individuality, it's totting up how much people have spent before deciding if it's enough to make a shared gift worth it.

And if it came across that way on here, that's probably how it came across to the PILS (not just MIL) and so won't have helped in the argument that they are separate people.

racmun · 23/03/2013 12:32

I do not think yabu.

Had a similar issue with my pil treating my dss far more favourably than my ds.

It needs to be nipped in the bud and I especially understand your concerns that the twins should not be seen a single entity. They are individuals.

I think you dh needs to spell it out presents for all 3 or none at all.

katieelh · 23/03/2013 12:34

I have twins and I completely understand your position, your not bothered about the cost but the fact that the 'twins' were sent a shared gift, it has happened to mine before and it's not nice.

frogspoon · 23/03/2013 12:35

YANBU to say that your children should all be treated as individuals. However you come across as grabby and rude when you demand more presents from your MIL who has already given your DCs books and money for eggs.

I am not a twin but am very close in age to my older sister, but there is a bigger gap between myself and my younger sister. Therefore my parents would often get a shared present for my older sister and me to share, and another present for my younger sister. The present for my older sister and me would normally be a bit more expensive as we were sharing, however inevitably my younger sister would share our present a year or two later.

So I can see where you are coming from. But even as a kid I knew not to bring up the obvious unfairness and favouritism (mainly because if I did the present would be taken away from me and I would have nothing). You are an adult and should not have brought it up.