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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

... to be so angry with my dh that I can't look at him

66 replies

13lucky · 22/03/2013 20:28

Last night my dh went out with his work - said he wouldn't be late...I wouldn't have minded him being late but he was adamant he wasn't going to be. Had a text from him at 4.30pm and then didn't hear anything but I went to bed fairly early so just assumed he'd be back at some point, no problem. I woke up at 1.30am and realised he wasn't home. Checked my phone, no messages, nothing. I tried calling him...it rang and rang, then voicemail. I left a desperate message asking him to call. I didn't know any names of people he'd been out with so didn't know what to do next. I had two small children asleep in the house. I called my brother who lives nearby and he agreed to go out and check the place where dh parks his car to get the train to see if it was still there. Meanwhile I called and called and called his mobile. Still no answer. Then I called A&E at our nearest hospital as I was beside myself by then. I then get a text message which said 'g.j.o'...at which point all sorts were going through my head - someone has beaten him up and has his phone and thinks it's funny to text this etc etc. Eventually at 2.15am, he called me to let me know he'd passed out on the train and just been woken up by a cleaner! I was livid. I spoke to the guy on the phone because dh wasn't making any sense and he kindly offered to drive dh home...way above and beyond his job, bless him. Dh was too ill to go to work today. I am livid with him for putting me through the worst hour and night of my life and I can't bear to speak or look at him at the moment. I know I am probably being unreasonable and blokes are stupid sometimes, but honestly, I thought he was dead.

OP posts:

HollyBerryBush · 22/03/2013 21:12

Life was so much more simple with out mobiles

DeepRedBetty · 22/03/2013 21:12

yanbu, as this was not normal for him... op has been with this bloke long enough to have had 2 kids, if this was something he'd done before she wouldn't have got in a tizz.

Give him hell.

DeepRedBetty · 22/03/2013 21:13

lots of xposts!

bbface · 22/03/2013 21:14

Goodness, what an over reaction??! Perhaps if it was your fifteen year old daughter, then yes. Your husband on a work night out? Really??

It did not occur to you for one moment that he might have had a bit too much to drink?

Honestly, if it was my DH, and he doesn't go out very often, I would have been a tad worried, a tad pissed off and then got over it. I would not have made his life difficult today by clattering about, I would have just left him to recover.

Why? Because we are married, and sometimes we all behave stupidly, so let it go.

Together 7 years, married for 3 and whilst we have some humdingers from time to time, we have never ever ever prolonged an argument or been 'off' with one another for more than a day or two, and I can not tell you how bloody brilliant it is. Life is toooo short to hold grudges with the person that you are going through life with.

MortifiedAdams · 22/03/2013 21:15

My DH falls asleep.on the train sober after a shift at work so if he were on a night out id expect the conductor to wake him at the terminus

Also, not being home at 1.30am is just staying out late - which you said was fine. Is this one of those "well I would never do it, think of the children!" type threads where you would never dream.of being out til that time and therefore that automatically makes him a twat?

Original poster

13lucky · 22/03/2013 21:15

DeepRedBetty - you are right - I have been with him for 18 years and never have I been so worried.

OP posts:

Hissy · 22/03/2013 21:17

"There is no reason an adult with responsibilities such as family and job needs to get in this state. What an idiot"

Absolutely. Totally agree.

HOWEVER..... The bloke is an adult and HE is the one that ought to police his own behaviour. How is the OP behaving like his mother ringing and ringing going to help the situation?

he was WAY past slaughtered at 1.30am. There was NO point in any of the calls, no matter how much you wanted him to account to you.

We are all responsible for our OWN actions and no matter how badly we want someone to do things in a certain way, be a certain thing, there is nothing on earth that can make them.

Instead of ruining your own night by panicking OP, you ought to have waited until he was sober and then point out that you felt it was not what you expected of him.

Would a totally wasted male making a total tit out of himself please me? No, he would not, but I wouldn't be calling around hospitals or ringing every other minute. If anything did happen, someone would be ringing me, and there would be nothing I could do about that either.

Blowin · 22/03/2013 21:17

PMSL at Stuffez's po-faced tone!

AgentZigzag · 22/03/2013 21:19

It'd also be out of character for my predictable DH too, but if he did that my first thought would be that his plans had changed and he'd gone on to have more than planned.

I wouldn't necessarily be OK with everything you said your DH did, but letting your imagination run away with you and thinking the risk of the worst case scenario is bigger than it is, is out of proportion when there was nothing to say this had happened.

I'm not into going out and staying longer than I planned down the pub getting sloshed any more, but it'd be ridiculous if DH started ringing the hospitals and thinking I was in a ditch somewhere straight off.

I'm an adult and don't need that kind of parenting micro-managing any more. (and I would say this is different to the worrying you would naturally do if you knew the person wasn't going out)

Original poster

13lucky · 22/03/2013 21:20

No, I don't have a problem with him being out late...I just worry a lot and am used to him texting me to say he's going to be late or is drunk or is getting on the train etc. I suppose what this thread tells me that I have a half decent man - in 18 years this is the first time something like this has happened. I cannot imagine being in a loving relationship where you would think this kind of behaviour is normal. At least I have learnt that from this thread. I am still a bit pi*sed off though!!!

OP posts:

everlong · 22/03/2013 21:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wibblyjelly · 22/03/2013 21:26

13, I'd probably have reacted the same way as you. I'm a worrier anyway, but if he didn't turn up in the morning, I would have visions of police etc saying 'why didn't you do anything when you knew he was missing?'. Maybe that's Ott, but I'd rather do something than assume everything is OK when its not. How is his head?

Original poster

13lucky · 22/03/2013 21:29

His head is bad - he hasn't surfaced out of bed apart from to go to the bathroom and it is now 9.30pm!!! I am not going to drag it out - but I do still feel shocked and upset. He has said he is really sorry though and I know he feels mortified. What a total idiot though!! I feel better now I've vented. Thank all. Night night.

OP posts:

Dinosaurhunter · 22/03/2013 21:31

Note to self ... Do not come home at 2 am after a night out with friends as this would mean I am obviously not in a loving relationship .

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 22/03/2013 21:33

I don't think anyone should be telling you you are OTT. If what happened was completely out of the ordinary for you, then of course you'd be more worried than normal.

Original poster

13lucky · 22/03/2013 21:34

I find it amazing that some people here have no empathy. Going to bed realising that things aren't so bad in the 13 household. I never said coming home at 2am meant you weren't in a loving relationship. I did it myself a few weeks ago. Unfortunately you seem to have missed the circumstances surrounding it dinosaur

OP posts:

CJMommy · 22/03/2013 21:35

It would be out of character for my DH too but if he goes out with work/friends (bery rare) then I go to sleep and expect him to be there when I wake up in the morning. 1.30am is relatively early in terms of pub lock in/club kick out times. If it was 5am I may start to worry but certainly wouldn't be calling the hospitals. And as for the day after, well, it's a perfect opportunity to have some fun but all light-hearted of course! Life is too short to punish people for one off mistakes such as this. Sometimes we don't plan to stay out but it happens....... I bet he won't do it again but if he does and regularly, then you can kick his arse into touch!!

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 22/03/2013 21:36

My DH used to do this occasionally, especially when our DCs were younger. But after the first couple of times I didn't wory - It pissed me off more than anything. Bloody selfish.

Thankfully the message finally got through and he would always text me now. And if he didn't I would be worried

wibblyjelly · 22/03/2013 21:36

Dinosaur, its more to do with the fact he promised he would be home early, he wasn't, and then was unreachable. I'm sure if he had said I'm going out, not sure what time I'll be back, it would have been a different situation.

Ra88 · 22/03/2013 21:37

I get why your annoyed but really .. Calling hospitals and getting people to look for him .. He's a grown man!

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 22/03/2013 21:38

Mortified

I don't think the issue is the time he was out. It was the time he was out and not contacting his wife - when he had previously told her he would not be late.

That isn't something I would do

Redbindy · 22/03/2013 21:39

He got pissed, so what? We all do that. He's home now, forget it and move on.

catgirl1976 · 22/03/2013 21:43

I don't think it's "normal" to stay out late and not text.

DH doesn't do this. We don't go out that much at all being old gimmers who would rather stay in and watch a box set than stand in a shouty bar full of 16 year olds paying silly money for warm alcohol.

That said, if he did go out on a night out and wasn't home by 1:30, whilst a little bit of me would be playing out the "what ifs" in the back of my head, and whilst I would be annoyed if he got so drunk he missed work, I would not be ringing the hospitals or getting family members to scour the town.

AgentZigzag · 22/03/2013 21:47

But it's OTT for the OPs first thought to be that he's in a ditch somewhere and it's an emergency situation Jamie.

Her reaction would be the reaction I would have if my 12 YO didn't come back when she said she would, (although I would step it up before 1.30 obviously).

TigOldBitties · 22/03/2013 21:55

I also don't think this is normal behaviour and I may have had some concerns, but the reasonable rational side of me would have said he is an adult on a night out with alcohol.

I would have waited until the morning to have even expressed my concern to anybody else, I imagine if I still hadn't contacted him by he time he would usually start work and his PA said he hadn't arrived then yes I might have started to do things like phone A&E.

TBH if I had done this sort of thing, which has on occasion happened, I would have been quite annoyed at all the fuss over being a free adult.

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