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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think my friends DH has moved on since her death a bit quickly?

228 replies

goingupinfumes · 22/03/2013 13:03

My very good friend died suddenly 5 months ago and has left behind two very young DD and her hubbie, he's already formed a new close relationship - I feel a bit like "it's none of my business" but at the same time I feel a bit Hmm.

I would never ever say anything but I wondered if anyone who has been in this awful situation could help me to feel a bit more balanced and calm about what I feel is disrespectful to my lovely lost friend.

OP posts:
nooka · 22/03/2013 20:55

My aunt died very unexpectedly and my uncle remarried within a year. My cousin was four at the time. My (step)aunt is a wonderful lovely person, and they were a very happy family for many years until my uncle unexpectedly died himself. She has been a wonderful mother to my cousin. My aunt has now remarried, again to a lovely man, who finds himself step father to five almost adults. It's very very nice to see her happy again.

I was very little when my aunt died, but I know that she was missed very much. Luckily my family were able to embrace my uncle's new wife, and her family embraced my cousin. We all gained.

auntmargaret · 22/03/2013 21:02

Probably the bottom line is that if the new partner is lovely, and able to put the children first, then it can all work out. But in all the cases where that doesn't happen, I think the kids suffer most.

MurderOfGoths · 22/03/2013 21:02

"The OP isn't judging her late friend widow though really, she is just upset and concerned. It is quite normal to feel those emotions "

The OP isn't. I totally understand the OP's reaction, it was my reaction too when dad met his new girlfriend.

It's a fair few others on the thread doing the judging.

"I'm still so sad about the waste of her loveliness and I'm trying to get to grips with stuff like that - I guess the fact he was moving on so quickly was like a kick in the guts.. I can't explain why."

Personally, for me, I think part of the pain it caused was because it reminded me that I'd been living too. It hurt to be reminded that life went on once mum was gone. I felt like the world should have stopped.

2rebecca · 22/03/2013 21:05

Had she been ill for a long time? I think that can make a difference in that I think if someone dies suddenly it can take longer to move on than if their death lasts months or years and you have been expecting it for a long time and moved from being lover to carer. In that case having a lover again can be refreshing and life affirming, and usually the grieving was done long ago when the terminal diagnosis came and you moved into carer mode.

motherinferior · 22/03/2013 21:07

Well, I'd still feel very wary if a newly widowed bloke asked me out. I'd feel he wasn't after me but after someone to fill that wife-shaped void his life. Particularly if he had been happily married.

2rebecca · 22/03/2013 21:08

I agree.

b4bunnies · 22/03/2013 21:09

nature makes you want sex or a relationship when someone dies, to reassure yourself that you are still alive.
and a man with children needs a wife. that's not being sexist. its just easier to sort out your life if there are two of you.

Original poster
goingupinfumes · 22/03/2013 21:23

2rebecca Just a bolt from the blue - I literally had a call from her DH saying "Friend died today" she was 35 it's just so sad Sad

OP posts:
DewDr0p · 22/03/2013 22:10

Well said Murder and SolidBrass

There are so many judgmental views on this thread. I find it so sad.

One of my closest friends died nearly 5 years ago and yes her dh did start dating pretty quickly. They were totally soul mates and he was clearly reeling. Yes he has made a few mistakes along the way but bloody hell, the poor guy has been to hell and back. And actually he is a brilliant dad who doesn't always get everything right. Can anyone really claim to do better than that?

DewDr0p · 22/03/2013 22:10

I really am very sorry for your loss OP and I do understand that this is hard to watch.

SolidGoldBrass · 22/03/2013 22:16

Yes, OP, your feelings are not wrong in the least. Grief is not necessarily rational or reasonable. It would be unkind and unreasonable for you to rant and wail at the DH or his new partner about 'disrespect', but it doesn't sound like you're going to do that.

INeverSaidThat · 22/03/2013 22:42

If someone's child dies and they quickly go on to have another baby do they get accused of trying to replace or not loving the deceased baby? Do people think they should see out a suitable 'grieving' period before they have another child?

I don't think so.

BookFairy · 22/03/2013 23:04

How terribly sad for you goingupinfumes
Putting myself in your shoes, do you think that that some of your feelings stem from the sense that your allegience is with your friend? Even though she has sadly passed away, part of you is saying "how can this other woman come in and take her place?" I would feel utterly bereft if a close friend passed away suddenly. I'm always subconsciously planning for the future and have the expectation that my close friends to be there for all the big occasions over the coming years.

The best thing you can do is just cherish your memories with your lovely friend.

Original poster
goingupinfumes · 22/03/2013 23:13

Thanks bookfairy nail on the head.

OP posts:
BookFairy · 22/03/2013 23:30

Lovey I really feel for you. My head would be saying "let him grieve and move on in his own way", but my heart would be saying "but she was so amazing how can you just replace her with someone else".

Terribly sad. Have a {{squeeze}} and a Brew

exoticfruits · 23/03/2013 06:43

The thing is that they are not 'replacing'- I think that is where you are getting it wrong. Your friend can't be replaced and I expect he would be horrified to think that you thought that was what he was doing.

HollyBerryBush · 23/03/2013 07:05

I've sat and reread the thread in a little more depth.

I'm really at a loss with some attitudes.

Let me get this right. if your partner dies, and there are children, somehow you should be in full mourning for ever in case it upsets the public at large? The introduction of a 'replacement' partner is going to piss off the grandparents and damage the children? And no decent women would marry a widower?

Apply that logic to - generally, but not always, women - who trade partners with regularity AND keep introducing them to their children. Don't forget ladies - don't marry anyone with children because you may have to step parent at some point.

The logic on this forum is utterly baffling at times.

exoticfruits · 23/03/2013 07:12

The logic on any forum is utterly baffling!
It is what makes MN strangely addictive.
It also makes it impossible in RL to get it 'right'.

MrsCampbellBlack · 23/03/2013 07:13

I don't think most people think anyone should mourn forever but that when there are small children involved you need to be careful about how quickly you introduce a new partner to them.

exoticfruits · 23/03/2013 07:18

The bereaved person often isn't in a position to make sensible, logical decisions.

whiteandyellowiris · 23/03/2013 07:53

Men and women often grieve differently.

I think its.normal for a man to want to find a new partner asap. From my observations that's what they do.

Also if you lose a childSad men tend to want to try for another child quicker than the mother does

Grumpyrocker · 23/03/2013 07:58

I've read some nasty, vindictive, unloving rubbish in my time, but some of the stuff in this thread is unbelievable.

"Men often do this, they are selfish and weak" and the like. How men don't grieve for long How they can't possibly look after children for themselves and need someone else to help them. How they need to get someone on the rebound.

Perhaps I am lucky. Lucky that my late wife didn't have a single friend like some of you. Lucky that her friends were so full of love for her and her children (the twins who were born the day before she died) that they were delighted when I met someone else. Delighted that we are about to celebrate five years of happy marriage with our own gorgeous three year old along with our older twins. Lucky that my late wife's family also gave their blessing.

Lucky that people understood these things happen. That you can love again. Truly love. Not just get someone on the rebound. Not just cynically find someone to look after your children because men are pathetic weak creatures, so pathetic and weak we need a whole website section about what useless wretches we are.

Perhaps in some of the deepest dungeons of this world there is physical and emotional pain deeper, more savage and destructive than having your beloved torn from you the day after they make your dreams come true. I doubt it. I doubt there is any pain in this universe that I could feel that would ever be worse. I doubt I will ever be free of the echoes of that pain. It will be with me forever.

But for heaven's sake some of you. You selfish posters who would rather talk about how weak men are than appreciate the love within them.

Pardon me if I met someone when I wasn't even looking. Pardon me if we genuinely fell in love for the two people were were and not the storm of pain going on around me. Perhaps I should have ran away from that love when it came because the happiness of shallow, selfish, idiotic, no nothing, fake friends who think they are more important that the matters of one's own heart.

Pardon me if I fulfilled the promise my late wife made me swore, that if anything happened to her I shouldn't avoid falling in love again. That I should embrace love again if it found me.

Much of this thread is an insult. An insult to my late wife, to me, my wife and to the many of us who have suffered so greatly but found happiness again. I'm sorry we can't fulfil your wish to be miserable in our pain forever. How very thoughtless of us.

And thank you to many of you kind people in this thread, those who see that people can love again. They can form meaningful and happy relationships even under the strangest and hardest of circumstances. You give me hope for the human race.

motherinferior · 23/03/2013 08:02

I never said no woman should marry a widower. I said if a bloke asked me out five months after his wife had died, I'd be worried that I was the casualty of someone else's grief and turmoil and loss.

And nobody said 'full mourning for life'.

Finally, wrt a new baby after your child has died: that is about creating new life. Not importing an already living person into your life. They are different things. (And again, fwiw, I have friends who have lost their only child recently and I hope like hell they can have another baby.)

LottieJenkins · 23/03/2013 08:05

My late DH had been a widower for fifteen months when we met. He still had pictures of his first wife in the house when i moved in but they gradually disapeared. he never forgot his first wife and we often spoke of her. His grown up children were very accepting of me and the situation.We married just under three years after his wife died and we had eight more years and two boys (Jack died aged two hours) together before he himself passed away. Sad Since my husband died i have had a couple of short relationships but the men didnt want to in their words "take on" a child with SN, Hmm so i kicked them to the kerb. Wilf and I come as a package. If you dont want Wilf then you dont get to go out with me!!!Smile

digerd · 23/03/2013 08:24

Mamamedusa,

What a lovely couple . Brought tears to my eyes.