To let my mother stew in her own juices

[Lucyellensmum95]

because i just don't have the energy or headspace for her bullshit anymore.

I really haven't been well myself (mh issues) and she is making it worse - i have had ENOUGH.

She had an appointment for the doctor (after i persuaded and cajoled her into it) only for her to get into a temper because she got a letter from the council tax people, she now has to pay £38 a year council tax and thinks this is disgusting because she is a "pensioner" and shouldnt have to pay anything (entitled, much?) So because of this, she refused to go to the doctor - i was feeling terrible by this time (a whole other thread which i namechanged for) so i took the appointment and was referred to the psych team.

So, she had an appointment which she just didn't turn up to (assumed that I would cancel it and sort things out, like i always do) and she rings me in a rage this morning because she tried to get an appointment today (like gold dust) and coudlnt get one - She only wants an appointment because she has run out of tablets, despite me telling her tht all she only needs to ring the chemist, but she has to do it a week in advace - ( i know i should have done this for her but have been all over the place lately, struggling to get through the day myself). Nothing i say can appease her, i tell her i have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow and i'll get her a prescription then - not good enough, "no, you stupid cow i need the tablets tomorrow" I would have got them by then - Then i decide i have had enough - i tell her that im really not well, she knows this - she knows i was at the psych yesterday - She starts screaming at me to pull myself together or they will take my DD away.

How can i pull myself together if i have to deal with her shit too - she just slammed the phone down on me telling me she will just go without her tablets - she will die without them.

AIBU to just let her get on with it? She is a grown woman, if she can't sort her tablets out herself (she is perfectly capable of making a call, surely) then i really just don't have the energy for this - i feel bad but she does this every time she can't get her own way over things - i am sick of it. I am really unwell and she just doesn't give a flying fuck.

then let her be shitty at them and get barred
every action has a reaction
time she learned that

I know it's tough and you've been conditioned to say "how high?" when she says "jump", but she needs to face the consequences of her actions, and you need a rest.

All this giving in for the sake of an easy life - well, to be honest, it's not easy on you is it? In fact it's exactly the opposite.

I also suspect, if you put some strong boundaries in place - and again I appreciate this is far harder to do than say - that you would find your issues with anxiety and stress would significantly improve.

Do you know for a fact that she would be "shitty" to the receptionists?

Unless you have witnessed it, I seriously doubt that she is as rude to others as she is to you!

So what if she gets shitty, how does that affect you? why is that your problem? She will find it doesn't work, she'll not get what she wants, in order to get what she wants, she'll have to learn not to treat people like that. Right now, she can be shitty with staff because you will fix it for her. Let her be shitty.

keep telling yourself, if you can do it, she can do it. She's not a different species, she's an adult too.

It might do her the world of good to be forced to sort out problems she has created.

You still don't seem to be able to separate her from you. Its not your job to protect her from the consequences of her actions. You don't have to act as a buffer. It is not up to you to ensure things run smoothly for her.
I feel like you have been utterly brainwashed and no matter what anyone says, you are powerless to break your conditioning.
You can make a different choice, if you want to.

Sadly, I don't think you're taking much notice of any of the advice on this thread . It seems to be business as usual and the problem with that is she'll be back to her usual bossy, manipulative self as soon as she's certain you're back under her thumb again.

Why not let your DP read through the thread, see what his thoughts are and talk through it all, then make a plan to start stepping back?

It might be a start if the husband at least stopped doing anything!

It's scary, isn't it. Admitting while you feel obligated to love your mother, you don't actually like her.

That right there causes anxiety, something which you are trying to avoid, understandably.

If nothing changes from you then Nothing Changes. This will be the life you live with her 20 years from now. Does that sound nice?

Be honest with yourself first. What do you want? You are not number 2 anymore, you are first priority in your life, not your anchor mother.

Why on earth did you ring her?
Why does it matter if she's shitty to the receptionist?
Why did you send your poor DP round to put stuff in her loft rather than, as someone suggested, waiting until you were visiting anyway?

You seem a little defensive of your mother. Of course you love her but you can't blame others for calling it like it is: she's a horrible woman, she knows EXACTLY how to make you toe the line even if its by seeming to improve her behaviour and she will never change because she's got no need to. You're always going to be fluttering around trying to keep her sweet, putting up with being called names among other outrages.

Your DP sounds a gem and I hope he doesn't get so sick of being a skivvy and being sent on fools errands by you (albeit at this old cows bidding) that he decides to cut his losses. He sounds very patient. Imagine if the roles were reversed, that it was his mother and you were posting that he kept sending you scuttling to his mothers to put nonexistent stuff up the loft!

I am listening and it is all very helpful actually. I have a lot of stuff going on in my life just now. I am having an assesment for counselling next week so may well bring this up. I have massive self esteem issues - and i have never faced up to the fact that my childhood may be impacting on things now, but thats a whole other thread!

It IS complicated with my mother as she has a medical condition that means she is physically unable to cope with stress in the same way as other people. It is a rare condition so i don't want to reveal it as it would out me if anyone who knows her is reading - It doesn't excuse the way she behaves but it is part of the reason apart from the fact that she is a spoilt brat If she went a day without her medication she would be putting her life in serious danger and the problem is that when she gets in a strop one of the things she does is not take her pills, then it gets worse........vicious circle.

I am not going to put her on the ignore list if she is being reasonable but i really am not going to take anymore of her bullshit. I tend to react explosively to it and then make the situation worse myself also. DP says i make it into a drama and should just let her get on with it when she is being like this. But its difficult when i know tht it is partly her medical condition that makes her this way.

I am on the lookout for the stately homes thread, im not looking to cut my mother out of my life but i AM looking for ways of dealing with her crap. If she is not being crap then Im not going to continue any bad feeling.

It is funny i do get cross when you guys reflect what i have been saying about her, but i know its true

Please don't be cross with me

So she refuses to take her pills and basically risks her own life in order to get her own way?!

That's not spoilt. That's psychotic.

I totally get it is not easy to make changes just like that when you have been living with it for years.

But if your mother chooses not to take her medication, when she knows the risks, that's her responsibility and it's not your fault.

Also, you have a medical condition that makes it difficult to deal with stress; your anxiety. There aren't many medical conditions which stress actually improves, iyswim.

I don't think anyone's cross with you. I'm certainly not. I feel very sorry for you. You sound really lovely. If you didn't it wouldn't be so frustrating to read about the way this woman is treating you and your DP!

OP You are not your mother's carer. If she does not take her medicine and has to be admitted to hospital she'll get a rollicking from the doctors.
Every action has a reaction
SHE has to learn that.
Nothing you can do will help her - so you have to help yourself.

Nobody's cross with you, pet, honestly. We all only want you to be happier than you are right now and to have a more healthy relationship with your mum. And to see your current situation for what it is. x

Link to stately homes thread here (I hope):

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1698597-But-We-Took-You-To-Stately-Homes-Survivors-of-Dysfunctional-Families

Agree with Buddybutters - if your mother, an other wise mentally sound adult takes the decision to not take her medication for what ever reason she picks that's her choice, it's not your job to 'mother' her and protect her from the concequences of her own actions. That's hard to 'unlearn' if you've been raised with a family who acted like keeping your mother happy was the priority.

Does she know what her condition is and what will happen if she doesn't take her medication? If she does, then do you think she could be using your fear of what will happen if she doesn't take the tablets/gets herself too stressed as a way of making you run round after her and keeping you "in your place"?

Lucy I am the MNer in Spain that Hissy helped to "escape" (waves to Hissy....never been mentioned on another thread before...excited emoticon!). It is uncanny how like my mum she sounds. here Guilt tripping, manipulations, name calling, tantruming..it's like they follow a script. You have to stop playing her game. It'll be fucking hard and a horrible at first, but once you've redrawn those boundaries...OMFG, it's a whole new wonderful world of peace and quiet. I can't believe how long I put up with it or how "afraid" of her I was. That FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) is powerful stuff...especially the guilt. I also wouldn't be surprised if your anxiety problems are not at least exacerbated by her behaviour. Have a look on stately homes and also google narcissitic mothers, you'll be amazed how many characteristics she has.
Good luck and feel free to PM me. xx

btw I haven't cut my other out of my life either, but I have boundaries now. I see her when it suits me (about once a week) and I don't take any crap/responsibility for things that aren't my problem/try to mother her or solve her problems. She's had to "man up" and it turns out that she can manage fine without me mircomanaging her life and although she'd rather die than admit it, I would say she has a better quality of life now too.

Lucy - I'm not mad at you either. I can understand how everything can get really scary really fast when everything you have been dealing with and known (even if it is toxic) is suddenly seen in a new light. Especially if you don't know how to move forward and away from the toxicity.

Going NC isn't for everyone or every situation with a NM. I'm not advocating it as it is truely a last resort. However, I do hope you can create firm boundries and honour your identity more.

One day at a time. One situation at a time. Soon, it becomes your new 'normal' and isn't so scary anymore.

big hugs

p.s. From my own experience with councelling, problems as adults always stem from childhood. The adults we are today were created with the blueprints of our childhood is how one councellor explained it to me.

High fives GoodtoBetter, I'm so glad you found this thread, you had such a similar situation, I just know that your input here really will be helpful! I'm so glad you're doing so well!

Lucy love, no-one's angry with you, not in the slightest. We're outraged at what you ans your DP are suffering at the hand of your mother.

My love, she's using your good nature, your fear of her and her 'condition' to hold you to ransom. All mothers like these do this. The only way through this is to set boundaries and police them. Let her rant and raver, let her turn on the waterworks, stay icy cool calm, and tell her to stop being unreasonable, or you won't have contact.

I agree with Hissy about her using her condition to control you and I think that's very common.

Its all fucking happening again - juts had her screaming at me on the phone - shes has been to the chemist (its too early for her to have another set of tablets) and demanded her prescription which i put in for her last week but of course she wasn't given it as she can only have it once a month - So now i'll have to go there and appease them, ive got DD who doesn't want to go out because she is cold and playing up. Im just about holding on to my temper because I now have all this shit to deal with and i can't. I can't cope with it - we run around after her like blue arsed flies - she is now guilt tripping me, "oh now ive had to rush up to the chemist (no she didnt), go and get dog food (we always offer to fetch it for her) and now she feels ill" So she wants me not only to go and sort out the meds, take the dog out because all the rushing around has made her feel ill - my life is like fucking ground hog day - I'll never be able to relax, i'll never be allowed to. I want everyone EVERYONE to fuck off and leave me alone - all of them. Tempted to dump DD at my mothers and tell her im off to sort the meds (she wont have the cheek to refuse to have DD ther will she??) and just go and get on a train, anywhere - away, somewhere where no one can phone me or make demands of me. Its just too fucking much, i thiought i woas going to be ok im not

Don't go and appease the chemist. If your mother treats everyone like shit let her sort out the fallout.

Just stop for a minute with a cuppa and think about this. You do not have to jump up when she shouts.

Call her back and tell her you will not be doing any more for her. She is an adult and she can do it herself.