To let my mother stew in her own juices

[Lucyellensmum95]

because i just don't have the energy or headspace for her bullshit anymore.

I really haven't been well myself (mh issues) and she is making it worse - i have had ENOUGH.

She had an appointment for the doctor (after i persuaded and cajoled her into it) only for her to get into a temper because she got a letter from the council tax people, she now has to pay £38 a year council tax and thinks this is disgusting because she is a "pensioner" and shouldnt have to pay anything (entitled, much?) So because of this, she refused to go to the doctor - i was feeling terrible by this time (a whole other thread which i namechanged for) so i took the appointment and was referred to the psych team.

So, she had an appointment which she just didn't turn up to (assumed that I would cancel it and sort things out, like i always do) and she rings me in a rage this morning because she tried to get an appointment today (like gold dust) and coudlnt get one - She only wants an appointment because she has run out of tablets, despite me telling her tht all she only needs to ring the chemist, but she has to do it a week in advace - ( i know i should have done this for her but have been all over the place lately, struggling to get through the day myself). Nothing i say can appease her, i tell her i have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow and i'll get her a prescription then - not good enough, "no, you stupid cow i need the tablets tomorrow" I would have got them by then - Then i decide i have had enough - i tell her that im really not well, she knows this - she knows i was at the psych yesterday - She starts screaming at me to pull myself together or they will take my DD away.

How can i pull myself together if i have to deal with her shit too - she just slammed the phone down on me telling me she will just go without her tablets - she will die without them.

AIBU to just let her get on with it? She is a grown woman, if she can't sort her tablets out herself (she is perfectly capable of making a call, surely) then i really just don't have the energy for this - i feel bad but she does this every time she can't get her own way over things - i am sick of it. I am really unwell and she just doesn't give a flying fuck.

[GreatUncleEddie]

But the meds are sorted surely - what is there for you to do? Put them on a repeat prescription direct to the chemist and step the fuck away from it.

[DontmindifIdo]

No, you do'nt have to go an appease them now. You really, really don't.

stop a minute - this isn't your problem -and as your mum doesn't actually need her meds, why do you feel you have to fix it today?

Step back. Refuse to talk to her. She wants the dog, she can deal with it. Call her back, you're not feeling well yourself, so you're not going to be coming round, and anyway, if they won't give her the meds, they won't give them to you so it'd be a pointless journey. She can walk her own dog.

Stick a DVD on for DD, make yourself a brew, relax.

there is nothing your mum needs today - talk to your DH tonight, see if you can have him help you be brave enough to say 'no' - she could go back to the chemists next week when she actually is due to get the meds and talk to them like a civilised human being. She now has the dog food, so she doesn't need that. She doesn't need to impinge on your time at all.

[Dawndonna]

Sweetie, this really isn't your responsibility. If she rings you screaming, you put the 'phone down. She will soon learn that you will only speak to her when she is calm and reasonable.
Your mother is making you ill, she doesn't have the right to do that.

[ChasedByBees]

LucyEllen - this is going to go on and on and on until you stop it. She is an adult. She can sort out her own problems - you have enough to deal with.

Would you phone her and scream at her because your DD is playing up and you feel stressed? I'm guessing no. Why is acceptable for you to just have to suck this up from her?

Don't! Please don't. If you go to the chemist you're telling her she can treat you like shit, cause problems and you'll sort them, regardless of the personal cost to you.

[DontmindifIdo]

BTW - what I said badly above, this is actually exactly the sort of situation you needed! She is stamping around and being a prize bitch, but she doesn't need anything really - so if you say "you know what, you can sort your own shit out, I'm not doing it for you. You made this mess you fix it, call me back when you can talk like a civilised person, I will hang up if you shout at me again, regardless of what you think you need me to do." - it won't actually matter because she isn't going to do without meds she needs, this is a great time to stand your ground because you have nothing to fear.

Plus you know what, it's cold.

[StephaniePowers]

Oh dear, I think you very very definitely need to get away from her - physically for a while and emotionally forever

I agree witht he poster who said her behaviour is psychotic - I don't know if it's psychotic (I'm not a psychiatrist!) but to have a condition where stress is a major factor, and then do absolutely nothing about learning to alleviate your own stress: that's either very bad behaviour or very stupid, or a sign of mental illness. She could be doing so much for herself in terms of meditation or creating enjoyment, instead she is treating her own daughter like shit.

Best wishes for your treatment and hope you feel better soon. Do you have caller id? You could screen your calls, be very busy when she demands you go round, and above all do not feel guilty about that, she's being beyond vile.

[Lucyellensmum95]

She just rang me again forbiding me to go to the chemist because "she wont be spoken to like a child" and that she is going to go without her blood pressue tablets (which means, i suspect, that she has enough ) so that when she sees the "specialist" he will bollock the pharmacists. This means that she clearly has been shitty to the chemists - and its the weekend, her little strop is going to mean that she will be without meds until monday now - i don't know what to do. Just had a fucking letter through the door saying we have missed a really important payment due to being overdrawn and my head is too full of my mothers shit to deal with it - i actually feel physically sick to my stomach - she KNOWS im ill, she knows everthing is falling down around my ears - why can't she leave me alone - i just want to scream and not stop, this is me isn it - this isnt her, its me not being able to cope with anything

[Lucyellensmum95]

I need to calm down but only have three diazepam and my citalopram - that isn't going to even touch this level of anxiety - am pacing how can this affect me like this, am struggling to focus

[BerthaTheBogCleaner]

You do not have "all this shit to deal with" - its not yours and you don't have to deal with it.
You do not have to go and appease the chemist.
You do not have to walk the dog.
You do not have to feel guilty.
Just don't do it.

You mother will continue to behave like a spoilt child as long as you allow it. If she phones you and is anything other than polite and friendly, put the phone straight down.

The only way to make this stop happening is to stop playing the game.

[Dawndonna]

No, it isn't you. It's her. She has made you like this, she has put you in this position and her constant bullying, because that is what it is, has made you ill. Walk away. Stop answering the 'phone to her.
I have an agreement with family members to only use mobiles, that way we know when it's our mother calling and we ignore it.

[BerthaTheBogCleaner]

x-posted.

Stop answering the phone.

It is up to your mother whether she chooses to collect and take her medicine, or not. She is an adult and fully capable of making that choice, and of dealing with this herself.

[StephaniePowers]

lucyellensmum if 3 diazepam wont touch it, it's a health issue that can't go on. I'm sorry, it's your mum and I know how hard that can be, but please screen your calls. At the moment she can't talk to you without inducing anxiety, so you have to look after yourself and not talk to her for now.

Do you have a partner who could come home for a bit?

[Lucyellensmum95]

But if she doesn't take the medication she will be really ill (or worse) and i will have to live with that

[Lucyellensmum95]

The diazepam are only 2mg if i took the whole box (but i only have three :( ) it wouldnt matter would it - I do have to go to the town with DD, pay some money in for DP, he is at work, wont be able to come home. I don't now what to do - if i pay the money in, its to pay the mortgage it will get sucked up for the OD i dont know what to do now - i daren't ring DP at work, its his first week on a job and i dont want to stress him out. But if i pay the money in, the bank will take it and there will be not enough left for the mortgage - fuck fuc fuck - i just can't do this anymore - i shouldjust stop now

[Dawndonna]

Get into town. Talk to the bank, they may be able to come to some sort of arrangement.
As for your mother being ill if she doesn't take her medication, that's her choice. She is unlikely to die from the sounds of it, and she will learn a salutory lesson, although my bet is that she won't go without her meds, probably has a back up supply, and will be absolutely fine. That's what happened when we stopped doing this.

[marmite69]

Also sounds like my mother, glad I'm not alone!
I'm also an only child, we moved away from the area I grew up in and she used to go behind my back and try to manipulate my dds to say they didn't want to move and would hate their new house and school.
She still hasn't forgiven me for moving,its been 13 years now and still brings it up!
We're an hour away!
She is a passive aggressive person, sulks if she doesn't get her own way so I detach myself from the situation and only see her every couple of months.
You have my sympathy OP

[Lucyellensmum95]

I cant do that Dawn, its DPs account not mine :(

[CouthySaysEatChoccyEggs]

Deep breaths. You NEED to let your Mother take responsibility for herself. If she phoned and screams at you, HANG UP. Don't even listen to what she is saying if it can't be said politely.

It's NOT your responsibility. If she won't take her tablets, she will get ill. She will be CHOOSING to get ill by not sorting out and taking the medication that would prevent that.

Why should you run around after someone who is CHOOSING to make themself ill to emotionally blackmail you?

In the situation where your DD (even as an adult) was suffering from this much anxiety, would YOU call her and scream down the phone at her?

If it's not acceptable for you to behave like that to your DD, then it isn't acceptable for YOUR mother to behave like that towards you!

You CAN make contact on your terms only. It is often the only way to save your sanity if you have a mother like this.

Just hang up if she starts calling you names of screaming at you. If she demands you do something inane like put a box in the loft now or go get her meds, JUST SAY NO. Or say "It isn't convenient for me right now, I'll get back to you about when that will be possible". And if she starts screaming, shouting or calling you names (all of which is verbally abusive), then HANG UP.

And yes, screen calls.

[WhatchaMaCalllit]

LEM95 - I'm not having a go at you. I can feel the stress and anxiety levels just jumping out at me from the computer screen.

You don't have to listen to your mother screaming down the phone at you. If you don't feel brave enough or strong enough to hang up the phone, just put the phone down on a table and walk away from it for 10 minutes. She can't keep ranting at you for 10 minutes, right? If she gets tired of shouting, just hang up. When she phones again you just say to her "Mum, I doesn't suit me to have you shouting at me, ordering me about. When you can talk calmly to me, I'll be ready to listen" and then see what she says.

As the others have suggested, you don't have to do anything for her. I get that you feel obligate to do stuff but you 100% don't have to dash around at her every whim. It reads to me as though a lot of the stuff she comes up with is on a whim and you are 100% allowed to tell her "I'm busy at the moment, I'll drop around shortly" or "It doesn't suit at the moment but I'll call you when I'm free" and whether that time is spent sitting waiting for your mug of tea to cool or watching 30 minutes of tv to chill out then you do that, for you.

Wishing you all the strength in the world to get through this - I have a sneeky suspicion that you will

[Lucyellensmum95]

just rang DP and he has sorted the money side out (bless him, he is so brilliant - ha! he said im not allowed to get stressed or he wont give it to me doggy tonight - nutter!)

She rang again, home phone and mobile - i ignored it, have to get out quick now or she will be round - NOTE to self - move house! it is no good living in the next street to your mother - grrrrrrrrr FFS

[DontmindifIdo]

Good that you ignored it!

One thing that strikes me, if she isn't allowed the meds until next week, then it must be she has enough already. You don't need to do this. She's an adult, she can cope.

But you know what, how will your DD cope if you are too ill to care for her? Your mum is driving you mad and making you sick. Take your DD for a walk to the park, let her run off some energy, blow the cobwebs out of your own head. come home and do a lazy dinner and then watch some trash TV.

It's ok to not jump just because she's told you too.

[YouTheCat]

Lucy, it's not even a month since her last debacle with the chemist so I'd say she probably has enough tablets if she gets a monthly prescription. So don't worry about her not having enough.

[Dawndonna]

Well done Lucy! Ignoring the calls is the first step. It's a long path (took me best part of 53 years), but oh the relief, it is fantastic.
Good luck.

[Dawndonna]

Oh, and if she comes round when you are back at home, there is no need to answer the door. Turn television up and watch a nice dvd with your dd with the curtains drawn.

[WhatchaMaCalllit]

Be in the shower/bath when she comes knocking - or at least tell her the next time she phones/pops around that you couldn't open the door to her because that is where you were. Even if you weren't. You are allowed have time for you.

Good on you for not answering the phone to her.