To let my mother stew in her own juices

[Lucyellensmum95]

because i just don't have the energy or headspace for her bullshit anymore.

I really haven't been well myself (mh issues) and she is making it worse - i have had ENOUGH.

She had an appointment for the doctor (after i persuaded and cajoled her into it) only for her to get into a temper because she got a letter from the council tax people, she now has to pay £38 a year council tax and thinks this is disgusting because she is a "pensioner" and shouldnt have to pay anything (entitled, much?) So because of this, she refused to go to the doctor - i was feeling terrible by this time (a whole other thread which i namechanged for) so i took the appointment and was referred to the psych team.

So, she had an appointment which she just didn't turn up to (assumed that I would cancel it and sort things out, like i always do) and she rings me in a rage this morning because she tried to get an appointment today (like gold dust) and coudlnt get one - She only wants an appointment because she has run out of tablets, despite me telling her tht all she only needs to ring the chemist, but she has to do it a week in advace - ( i know i should have done this for her but have been all over the place lately, struggling to get through the day myself). Nothing i say can appease her, i tell her i have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow and i'll get her a prescription then - not good enough, "no, you stupid cow i need the tablets tomorrow" I would have got them by then - Then i decide i have had enough - i tell her that im really not well, she knows this - she knows i was at the psych yesterday - She starts screaming at me to pull myself together or they will take my DD away.

How can i pull myself together if i have to deal with her shit too - she just slammed the phone down on me telling me she will just go without her tablets - she will die without them.

AIBU to just let her get on with it? She is a grown woman, if she can't sort her tablets out herself (she is perfectly capable of making a call, surely) then i really just don't have the energy for this - i feel bad but she does this every time she can't get her own way over things - i am sick of it. I am really unwell and she just doesn't give a flying fuck.

[ComposHat]

Stew in her juices OP? From what you've said I'd make a big vat of Red Wine sauce and stew her in that instead.

[diddl]

I agree that she's not a good mother if she's never been proud of you.

My MIL still harps on about the fact that my husband didn't go to grammar school.

The small respect for her just disappeared that day.

I mean-to be disappointed is bad enough-to express it to someone-quite another.

[InSearchOfPerfection]

Well if she never made you feel good about yourself and actually made you feel very small and not good enough, then she wasn't a'good' mother tbh.

A mother is one that will cherish you for what you are not to compare you to some sort of ideal that you have to comply with.

[Sazzle41]

Its passive aggressive emotional manipulation. Remain calm, limit your chats to other topics. Any time she tries to go down that route, you say , well you are an adult so you don't need another adult managing your life so lets discuss so and so. If she won't, you just say I have to go now, lets talk another time. Don't argue, don't negotiate or justify ... then leave. She wont fall apart and she will stop being so clingy and manipulative if she sees it means abrupt end of contact.

The dynamic between you is toxic and you are both fueling it and enabling it. Its so hard, i know exactly how you feel. Its very, very hard to be the daughter in that respect because you feel you are in a less powerful position because of your 'daughter' role. You really aren't because you aren't in denial and you know there is a problem here. Good luck.

[ImTooHecsyForYourParty]

In what way was she a good mother?

Or is it possible you have simply been conditioned to believe that she was a good mother?

What does a good mother do? Love you, care for and about you, be proud of you, support you, protect you, guide you...

Is that who she was for you?

[Talkinpeace]

OP
How did your MiL "Fast Day" go?

[Lucyellensmum95]

DP sorted out the prescription - to be fair, my mother turned up at the chemist to fetch it, just as DP went over to get mine (i was doing something with DDs schoool so he fetched mine) and it turned out that the doctors hadn't sorted it. DP managed to get it sorted though, no drama - i just left them to it. She is being ok today - well, i haven't really heard from her. I phoned on some pretext of seeing if she wanted something from the town - but kept it brief. She didn't want anything - she actually admitted to DP last night that she knew she was difficult - that was an absolute first i can tell you, i think she realised i had come to the end of my rope. Til next time :)

[Hissy]

Erm, why did your DP get involved at all with her prescription?

The comment is, oh right, got to go, LEM's waiting for me.

I know this stuff Is hard, but you're both enabling her. Please come over to Stately Homes?

[Talkinpeace]

Lucyellen
Good to hear from you.
Be ready to have a "fast" any day you need it.
DH and I have always lived over 100 miles from either of our parents, but friends do the local thing. Not my scene, BUT you have to set rules.
You have just taken the first step and its NEVER too late.
Good luck

and remember that until you are their legally appointed guardian, it is NOT your problem - no matter what they say

[Lucyellensmum95]

Hissy, to be fair it was pure co-incidence, she came out of the chemist as he went in. Told him what happened and he went and sorted it out. By far the best option.

I have seen that stately homes thread, but i am a bit unsure - i do love my mum even though she is a bastard sometimes

[SoftKittyWarmKitty]

Your DP didn't need to sort out a grown woman's prescription. Why was that the best option? Best option for who?

And why did you ring her on some pretext? Again, there was no need.

She's clearly got you both by the short and curlies, and she knows it. Stop chasing after her. Stop pandering to her. Stop being her slave.

I've read/been on some of your other threads and you've got enough on your plate. Just back off and leave her get on with her life. She'll cope.

[ComposHat]

DH and I have always lived over 100 miles from either of our parents

Having seen how my mum and dad have got lumbered (with both of my grandmothers, who were took over their lives for different reasons.) I'd be loathe to move close by as they started to deteriorate. My mum has urged us to not to do what she did.

[ComposHat]

she is being ok today - well, i haven't really heard from her. I phoned on some pretext of seeing if she wanted something from the town - but kept it brief. She didn't want anything - she actually admitted to DP last night that she knew she was difficult

Just read that back to yourself OP

That doesn't sound like a mother/daughter relationship.

That sounds like a primitive, yet wrothful god that must be appeased at all costs and that you are thankful because, for reasons unknown she is having a day when she isn't a complete douche.

I got to the stage with my mum when I had to tell her that it will get to the stage when my Gran will be throwing the first handful of dirt onto her coffin if it continued any longer (she has sky high blood pressure at the very best of times) and the only thing my Gran would grieve would be that the person who ran, fetched, carried and attended to her every whim wasn't there any more, rather than the death of her own daughter.

It worked.

[Casserole]

Why did you ring her today???

I think you need to be honest with yourself about what you want out of this.

[Hissy]

She rang because the thought of not doing so made her sick to her stomach.

Stately Home is where you do need to be my love. It's not about physical abuse, it's about unhealthy dynamics, guilt trip, power, control, manipulation. Yes and name calling.

This is your life, and sadly you are making it DP's too.

Fast now. Take a break, talk to us, tell us how you feel, and we'll walk through it all with you.

[ChasedByBees]

I think you should take Hissy's advice, this isn't a normal relationship by any stretch of the imagination. I really don't understand why you have a compulsion to do everything for her. You say you're ill, I really think this will be massively contributing. :(

[ChasedByBees]

PS I didn't mean to sound like I doubt you're ill, I don't doubt that at all.

[NynaevesSister]

If you can't just leave the tablets then set a timetable for yourself to call the chemist at regular intervals to order more. Then I would stop dealing with everything else. Disengage and focus on yourself. Just because you are an only child doesn't mean you have to deal with all this when your own well being is at risk. Call social services, explain your mother cannot look after her health and you are too ill at the moment to do so. You need respite.

[zirca]

Well it's obvious where the root of your mh issues come from - HER! That is horrendous. My mum used to try the emotional blackmail thing to get her own way - the best thing is to refuse to engage. Your mum is perfectly able to sort her own problems out - let her!

[NynaevesSister]

Oh what Hissy said!

[MixedClassBaby]

Just responding to something you said upthread, op. I love my mum too but have still found the stately homes thread very useful and supportive in helping me to disengage from her bullshit. Our relationship is much healthier now and -
I don't fret about it nearly as much. She'll never be the mother I want but I can manage what I've got with reduced contact and more awareness. And I guess this is a good point to thank the stately homes contributors for their help. Like I said earlier, I've never actually posted on it.

[Lucyellensmum95]

Link?

[Lucyellensmum95]

Ive seen that thread but didn't think it was about this sort of thing rather about abuse

[DontmindifIdo]

I think you need to step back - for yourself and for her. Don't ring, just don't. I know it's hard, you're used to being needed by her, but sit down with your DP and agree that you are going to step back and force her to be an adult. You have enough to deal with.

Perhaps it's worth you reminding yourself, other than physical things (like putting stuff in the loft etc) there is nothing she could ask you to do that she is incapable of doing herself. If you can work it out, she can work it out if she just made the effort too. If you can talk to people to sort something, she can also talk to them - but she doesn't have to because she makes a fuss and someone else will sort the details. Ask yourself why you don't believe she can do these things when you are capable? Is it just that she never has? The first time you had to sort tablets/deal with benefits agencies/talk to professionals/sort a piece of technology, did you know in advance how to sort it or did you just get on with it? Why is she incapable when you are?

Other thing is worth thinking about is what you get from this? You seem reluctant to step back (as calling her yesterday shows) do you like being needed by her? do'nt answer now, but imagine if she didn't call, if she did just find someone else to help her, how would you feel about that? If you would be happy for her to find other ways to sort herself out, then you must be strong. Talk to your DP, agree what your plan of action is. It's ok to leave her. Believe me, she will learn to cope, just think if you will be happy for htat to happen.

[Lucyellensmum95]

If dp had lets her sort out pills then she's would be shitty to the reception folk. think catherine tate.s nanna. She's just rung and dp offered to take her shopping thankfully we just have a list she's seems on her best behaviour