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AIBU?

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Original poster

to stand by Ds wanting to change his name?

304 replies

poxyfoxy · 20/03/2013 12:13

Ds is seven, his father and I seperated when he was just a couple of months old. I met my now husband when he was 18 months old, and he now has two brothers. He sees his dad evey other weekend.

DS has his fathers surname, but for the last year he has wanted my surname (the same as my husbands and his brothers), he just started to write it at school and at home. As a compromise I suggested that he use both names, and we approached his Dad to make sure he was happy with it. He's not, and will entertain no conversation about it.

I don't know what to do now, seems so unfair Sad

OP posts:
TheSecondComing · 20/03/2013 23:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EggyFucker · 20/03/2013 23:46

it was a general remark about how excitable people were getting about what other people choose to allow their children to call themselves

but you called it a conversation, AThing, and I wouldn't describe it as such....there is some rather jarring aggression in the air on this thread

HQ have popped up, so it looks like they think so too

IneedAsockamnesty · 20/03/2013 23:48

I'm sure you don't and i didnt say you did but why say another poster is away with the fairies after asking if she has personal problems because that's what I picked up up on.

You may not agree with what she's saying but that does not mean she has issues or is away with the fairies.

sashh · 21/03/2013 00:47

OP

You, your dh and younger children could all change their names to your DS1.

Hippee · 21/03/2013 01:06

You and your husband could change your names and double-barrel with DS1's name - this may sound far-fetched, but this is what a friend and her second husband did. She wanted the same name as her DS and her second husband was prepared to do the same. Their children also have the double-barrelled name, but DS1 just has his dad's surname i.e. he's just poxy and they are all poxy-foxy, but it means that they look related.

Hippee · 21/03/2013 01:07

Oops cross-post with sashh

halesball · 21/03/2013 01:26

Like the last 2 posters said could you not change it so all your children have the same double barrelled name? You and your DP keep the same names you have now. That way all your children have the same name and your son won't feel left out.

notnagging · 21/03/2013 02:51

I think you are making the situation worse op by putting too much emphasis in this. He is 7. I can understand his dads feelings. What if your current relationship breaks down & you have more kids? I know you think that is unlikely but you never know.

notimefors · 21/03/2013 03:52

I was going to suggest what sashh has just suggested.

I think you lacked foresight when you changed your name on your second marriage to be honest.

aurynne · 21/03/2013 03:59

poxyfoxy, how would you feel if one of your sons wanted to add your ex-DH's girlfriend's name to his name?

AThingInYourLife · 21/03/2013 07:45

"how would you feel if one of your sons wanted to add your ex-DH's girlfriend's name to his name?"

That's not the same.

The same would be if he married again, changed his name to his new wife's name and had more children with that name.

The child doesn't want to share a name with another man (horrors!)

He wants to share it with his mother and siblings.

Even if the ultimate decision is not to change the name, it is unbecoming of any adult not to understand where the kid is coming from here.

He's old enough to have his wish taken seriously, even if it is not acceded to.

There are plenty of ways to explain this to a 7 year old in ways he can understand. And his Dad should be a part of that.

And the shit with shouting at a kid for the name he chooses to use in imaginary games needs to stop. That is really fucked up.

AThingInYourLife · 21/03/2013 08:07

The thing that's so killing about the spy card (apart from how mean it was) is the wasted opportunity.

Instead of being a big spoilt baby and making the kid feel bad about his spy name, he should have had it laminated.

"The great thing about being part of two families with different names is that it means you have a ready made alias. You can have your real name for school and things in normal life, and a separate spy name that you use on business. Of course, you don't need to use your proper first name in an alias either..."

There are so many ways to take this seriously and make him happy without any official change of name.

Kendodd · 21/03/2013 09:50

Right I have a suggestion.

Mum reverts back to her maiden name.
Eldest son double barrels- mum's name + dad's name
Younger children also double barrel- mum's name + their dad's name

Exdp has a lot weaker case objecting to this and all the children have a name that truly reflects their family background.

Complicated I know, but makes total sense to me.

Original poster
poxyfoxy · 21/03/2013 09:59

Because that's a whole lot easier Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
poxyfoxy · 21/03/2013 10:00

and why would he have a much weaker case?! My surname is my surname!

OP posts:
Original poster
poxyfoxy · 21/03/2013 10:02

Also my previously used surname isn't actually my birth surname, so it all just gets even more complicated!

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 21/03/2013 10:08

Why should his biological Dad agree to this? Your DS has a different name to his brothers because he has a different father to his brothers, nothing will change that. If his father wasn't actually on the scene it would be very different.

Original poster
poxyfoxy · 21/03/2013 10:12

I'm surprised by the majority view on here actually.... ridiculously imagined future scenarios being used to reason that exDP has a point.

What I haven't mentioned is that exDP has only very recently been having stable regular contact with his son. I was reluctant to mention that as I wanted unbiased opinions on the name issue, but I am astounded at how much people have come jumping to his deference just because he is DSs biological father. My Dh has been his father, and he deserves a medal for how he deals with the situation. Funnily enough he isn't in the least bit bothered about having DS branded with his name, his bond is enough for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
poxyfoxy · 21/03/2013 10:13

'Why should he agree to this?'

Hmm

Because it's what his son wants? Because he's not asking to loose his name? Because DS has been asking/talking about it for a year?

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 21/03/2013 10:15

Has he really been obsessed with this for a whole year without any encouragement from you? That's quite strange.

Original poster
poxyfoxy · 21/03/2013 10:22

No, sorry.... did I say obsessed? Hmm

How exactly would I encourage it, without being an utter prick and making this situation even more difficult? I've stood by him, I've told him that I don't agree with his Dad and that I fully understand his (DS's) reasons. I've also told him that it's just a name, and if he still feels strongly about it in a few years then he will be able to change it without permission.

(his response to 'it's just a name' was 'why is Dad bothered then?!)

OP posts:
Astley · 21/03/2013 10:31

I agree with floggingmolly, he has a different father to his half siblings. End of. No amount of deed polling and double barreling will ever change that, so to me, it would be much healthier to focus on getting your son to accept and celebrate who he actually is, rather than trying to fit in with other people.

FryOneFatManic · 21/03/2013 10:33

Hollyberrybush You have posted before about being traditionalist. I would say that no society is ever going to change from being 1 thing (ie being patriarchal) into another thing (eg matriarchal) overnight. Changes evolve gradually.

So, the idea that many women are now beginning to retain their birth name, even though it's their father's name, has to start somewhere, and will begin in a small way and build up. Then they can all give their name to children instead of using the father's name.

If this does continue, then in just 2-3 generations, it won't be unusual for women to keep a name that is now their mother's.

I don't agree that the father's name is more important than the mother's name.

FryOneFatManic · 21/03/2013 10:37

So what if he has a different father to his brothers? He wants a name that actually links him to his brothers and celebrate that relationship. Is that really so wrong?

Oh, and people do change their names all the time, to reflect how they see themselves, sometimes to something completely new.

Original poster
poxyfoxy · 21/03/2013 10:38

Flogging _ and yes, it is quite strange, he gave up asking for a DS after about... ooo.... 6 months?

But then his brother wasn't marching around school sporting a DS....

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