to stand by Ds wanting to change his name?

[poxyfoxy]

Ds is seven, his father and I seperated when he was just a couple of months old. I met my now husband when he was 18 months old, and he now has two brothers. He sees his dad evey other weekend.

DS has his fathers surname, but for the last year he has wanted my surname (the same as my husbands and his brothers), he just started to write it at school and at home. As a compromise I suggested that he use both names, and we approached his Dad to make sure he was happy with it. He's not, and will entertain no conversation about it.

I don't know what to do now, seems so unfair

[Bowlersarm]

Just because athing OP has written a lot of posts doesn't make her right .

However "it is worth remembering that it is a name he could, in time, regret taking because it is not either of his parents' birth names" is spot on

[AThingInYourLife]

No, obviously that's not why I'm right, Bowler.

[simplesusan]

What a minefield.

I now you have done it now but I do agree with giving your child your name (ie the mother's name).

It really is a very modern thing to give a child of unmarried parents the fathrer's name, as others have said.

Also agree with the posters who asked you to consider how you would feel if your ex added his girlfriend/wife's name to the mix.

[ratbagcatbag]

I'm sorry but I can see the dads point of view. My DH sees his son 50/50 split, has had his surname since birth, DSS mum never mentioned changing names ever, then she announces she's getting married and wants DSS to have my Dh's names and her new husbands name. My DH said no, if she wants to change DSS name it becomes doubled barrelled to her surname and his surname, not someone she marries. She wasn't happy with this and said it was unfair. DH maintained that he would double barrel but not her married name. Also if it was so important why wait until 6 years after the split to raise. To be fair DSS never changed his name in the end and were now another five years down the line an it doesn't cause any issues for either family.

[poxyfoxy]

Thank you discrete, I really appreciate your post

[IneedAsockamnesty]

There is very little in life more odd about how we feel about our names.

When I had my second eldest child I agreed with the dad that he would have his surname with the condition that I would also change mine to his and it was agreed at the time that under no circumstances would I change back to my maiden name,this was a condition of me changing my name and giving my children the same name as me.

I later married the dad I have since divorced remarried been widowed and remarried again and are now separated but I kept the name as per the deal we made.

Every year without fail I get a shitty letter from my ex demanding I stop using HIS name,he is less than impressed when I point out it is also MY name and that we both agreed to this before marriage and this is the reason why our children have the same name.

[poxyfoxy]

thank you too AThing... you are like the voice in the back of my head whenever I have conversation with exDP about this.... my fave is obviously all , but in my head I'm screaming most of the things you have said on this thread!

[IneedAsockamnesty]

Ratbag.

If she takes her dh's name that name then becomes her name so if your dh is happy for dc to have her name then her name is the same as her new dh.

[poxyfoxy]

It does make me sad when we're filling out forms say, and it asks for the family name (we were asked this recently when buying a season ticket for a local attraction) and I often think about what DS1 feels when that happens... I means what should I do there? Are name is Poxyfoxy.... except him, he's exDPName? Or just say it's Poxyfoxy...?

[Corygal]

He's 7. Can he do this legally before he's 18? No.

You'd have to do it, which will make a world of trouble, by the sounds of things.

Explain he can take his decision when he's able to act on it.

[poxyfoxy]

Our! Not Are! Doh

[ballstoit]

I don't know if YABU but if the concern is that you don't all share a name, why don't you all double barrel to share his name?

I guess you'll think that's a ridiculous suggestion, why would you want your younger DC to have your ex's name? Which might perhaps help you to see your ex's POV a little more.

[musicposy]

Corygal it's not 18, it's 16. After 16 you don't need parental consent. So if he's still as keen, it could be done before his GCSEs.

OP, I'd give the school a "known as". We did that for years for DD2 and very rarely had problems over it. That way he doesn't need to upset his dad, it's just a preference for now.

Then tell your son he can make the proper legal decision at 16. We changed DD2's first name at 12, but both of us had to sign to say we agreed. Otherwise she would have had to wait. In truth, the legal thing has made almost no difference. She was new name for a long, long time before we legally changed it because she was always known as. Even doctors etc had her down as "known as". It's only really for passports and the like you need to do it officially. And he can change it himself before GCSEs if he chooses, assuming he's 16 before he takes them!

[AThingInYourLife]

For local attractions and stuff just put down the family name.

I don't use my married name, but 4 out of the 5 of us have it as our surname, so it is our family name.

And I don't bother correcting people where there is no reason for them to be corrected.

Really, the theme park doesn't give a shit what your surnames are, they just want some way to identify you.

I'm sure you still consider yourself to be a part of the MaidenName family? If someone asked you if you were one of the MaidenNames, you could say yes without having to explain that you now use a differente surname.

You could even say yes to "are you one of the PoxyMotherMaidenNames?" without it being a lie.

Your son IS one of the poxys, even if he doesn't share the same surname. And informally he can use whatever name he likes and nobody can stop him.

[OloeufiaMumsnet]

Evening all

[EggyFucker]

Good lord, why do people get so excitable about stuff like this ?

[AThingInYourLife]

I know!

It's mad the way people have conversations that interest them.

It's almost as if they don't care that at some point someone is going to pop in and at them.

[squeakytoy]

OP, who is to know whether your current relationship will last. If it didnt, how would your son feel a few years down the line, having a surname that may not even be your current name if you were to remarry.. and if you had another child in another relationship, what surname would that one have?

[RaspberryRuffle]

YABU towards your son's father who is his parent and plays an active role in his life.
You could have avoided this when you decided to get married and have children and have said you wanted your children to have the same surname.
How would your DH feel about you changing the other DC's surname?
You and your DH should be reassuring your DD that you love him and that the different name doesn't make a 'difference' to you (unless of course it does to your DH?)

[IneedAsockamnesty]

Sorry I should have worded that in a naice way.

Its very unpleasant to refer to another poster as being away with the Fairies then asking her if she has personal problems the implication being that she has mental health issues when implied in a nasty way.

It says far more about you than it does her.

[EggyFucker]

what you are doing doesn't look like a conversation AThing

[AThingInYourLife]

Oh, right, were you just getting at me?

Sorry, you seemed to be making a general remark.