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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to stand by Ds wanting to change his name?

304 replies

poxyfoxy · 20/03/2013 12:13

Ds is seven, his father and I seperated when he was just a couple of months old. I met my now husband when he was 18 months old, and he now has two brothers. He sees his dad evey other weekend.

DS has his fathers surname, but for the last year he has wanted my surname (the same as my husbands and his brothers), he just started to write it at school and at home. As a compromise I suggested that he use both names, and we approached his Dad to make sure he was happy with it. He's not, and will entertain no conversation about it.

I don't know what to do now, seems so unfair Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
poxyfoxy · 20/03/2013 19:56

I know MissPants.... I did say I'd worded it all wrong, might have had a better response if I was clearer Grin

OP posts:
Bowlersarm · 20/03/2013 19:57

The more I think about it the sorrier i feel for your ex.

Maybe he just didn't articulate well and said 'ownership' meaning love, emotion, stayinf close when he can't physically, the tie to his own parents and family etc. maybe he is scared he is losing his son lock stock and barrel to another man and is unhappy about it. Your DS wants another mans name, and that must be difficult for him

Original poster
poxyfoxy · 20/03/2013 19:59

Latara- he first brought this up a year ago, and just today I saw him write his name with my surname... he just doesn't seem to talk about it as much now. he has stopped double barrelling it now though, and just uses my name.... exDP may have just shot himself in the foot there, DS is quite defiant at times Grin

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 20/03/2013 20:00

A few years ago, my stepchildrens' younger half sister wanted to change her name so that it was the same as her older siblings. Her dad didnt want her to, and so she kept his surname. She is glad of that now, because she had a good relationship with her dad, and sadly he died when she was just 17, so this is her link to him which she can carry on.

I can totally understand why any father would not their biological child to take another mans surname.

Latara · 20/03/2013 20:01

Unfortunately it doesn't take much to make some men feel threatened in their relationship with their children when they are separated or divorced.

Your ex may be a 'wanker' in your opinion (as some men can be) but you still should consider that he has feelings on this subject.

Best to give your son time on the surname issue, because children do change their minds over things quite quickly.

AThingInYourLife · 20/03/2013 20:04

Well he will lose his son if he keeps acting like such a twat.

Poor ickle man, little boy wants to share name with brother waah, waah.

Oh sorry, did I say brother?

I should have said other man's son kill him

Maybe he should just piss all over his son to mark his territory?

Latara · 20/03/2013 20:05

I was going to suggest that maybe DS would be trying to wind his father up; a friend of mine has a stepson who would play his divorced parents off against each other at a similar age.

I'm not sure why kids do that sometimes, but in their case they had a lot of animosity that the stepson had picked up on.
Ironically the parents ended up working together to stop the boy's manipulative behaviour.
I've also seen it with my neighbour's 5 yr old DS; he often refuses to call his dad 'dad' just to annoy him!

squeakytoy · 20/03/2013 20:07

you dont like men very much a thing... do you.. Confused

AThingInYourLife · 20/03/2013 20:08

I like men who aren't twats.

Which is most of them.

Original poster
poxyfoxy · 20/03/2013 20:09

Latara... why on earth would I consider his feelings over my sons? His feelings are absolutely of no concern to me Hmm

OP posts:
OBface · 20/03/2013 20:16

Sorry OP I had missed your post where you said his name would be added to rather than dropped - my mistake. But I think your unfair to say you have no concern for his feelings... I do hope you're careful not to pass any of this attitude on to your ds.

I can still understand his position though, I would struggle if dh and I broke up and dd lived with him for most of the time then wanted to add dh's new wife's name. Might not be entirely rational but I'd still struggle.

Athing you are an angry woman! IME most men aren't twats, some are but then so are some women.

Latara · 20/03/2013 20:17

I think it's better to work with other biological parent rather than not consider them at all, IMO anyway.

AThingInYourLife · 20/03/2013 20:22

"IME most men aren't twats"

Yeah, that's what I just said.

But this guy is.

I can't get over the spy card thing. It makes me want to cry.

HollyBerryBush · 20/03/2013 20:27

Call me old fashioned, but I have the right to my opinion before I get shot down.

Personally, and it is my personal opinion that I won't be swayed from, it is appropriate that a child carries his/her fathers family name. I'm sure someone will be along to announce we live in a patriarchal society yada yada, but until we evolve our culture and society to adopt the matriarchal line, then there is a the cultural expectation

In the context of the OPs son, he merely wants to conform with the rest of his half siblings and 'fit in'. The whole question of what name to use wouldn't even arise if the Op and Ex were still together, irrespective of whether the Op and Ex retained their own surnames.

Personally I'd like to see the European way become the normal naming way - Given Name, Mums family name, Dads Family name.

With regards to school - they have no authority whatsoever to have both parents in agreement to a 'name change' - the MIS has the facility to have legal and preferred names, both given and family names. So Joseph Black-Smith can actually choose to go through as Joe Smith - the legal documents will go through as James Black-Smith

AThingInYourLife · 20/03/2013 20:30

Probably the way to deal with this, if your ex wasn't such a child, would be to kick it down the road a good bit.

Although the name is a family name, it is worth remembering that it is a name he could, in time, regret taking because it is not either of his parents' birth names.

He's only 7, and that's too hard for a little boy to grasp.

So you could offer him a deal - that you'll revisit it in, say, 5 years time and if he still wants to add your name then he can start adding it at school etc. and build up to maybe at 16 or 18 changing it officially.

AThingInYourLife · 20/03/2013 20:33

"The whole question of what name to use wouldn't even arise if the Op and Ex were still together, irrespective of whether the Op and Ex retained their own surnames."

Confused

Tell that to the kids in my extended family who changed surname from what they were given to the other parent's surname.

Why on earth wouldn't it arise?

EvaM · 20/03/2013 20:35

I hated my name when I grew up, but it's only that - a name and not that important in the grand scheme of things. I think you should leave it as it is - it saves the dad's feeling and might send a message to your son that there are somethings one just has to live with.

OBface · 20/03/2013 20:37

Just your opinion Athing, I don't see this man as a twat at all.

AThingInYourLife · 20/03/2013 20:37

And actually it is a very, very recent cultural expectation (1 generation) that an unmarried mother would give her child its father's name.

In fact the cultural expectation was that the child would share its mother's name, but that a married woman would have her husband's name.

AThingInYourLife · 20/03/2013 20:40

You think it is acceptable to give out to a little boy because he chooses another man's nane to put on his cardboard spy card?

Shock

Really?

Cos that's probably the twattiest thing I've read on here today.

AThingInYourLife · 20/03/2013 20:41

"send a message to your son that there are somethings one just has to live with."

Wow, great message Hmm

Dinosaurhunter · 20/03/2013 20:44

My dh wood of been so upset if my dss had changed his name in fact it never came , he was/ is his fathers son so would he change his name ?
Admittedly your son has a opionion about this so slightly different .

Dinosaurhunter · 20/03/2013 20:46

Arrgh - would not wood !!

JenaiMorris · 20/03/2013 20:48

I missed the double barreling bit it the OP, sorry Blush

And yeah, all the 7yos I've ever met are thick, athing Hmm

discrete · 20/03/2013 20:59

YANBU. Your ds is exploring his identity and it is right that you should support him and stand behind him every step of the way.

That is not to say you should pick a massive fight with your ex. But I think it would be entirely reasonable to tell your ds that although it makes absolutely no difference whatsoever to you what his name is, you are supportive of him choosing whatever works best for him, but that legally he cannot do it without his father's consent until he is 16.

Your support is likely to mean more to him than the actual outcome, imho.