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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to stand by Ds wanting to change his name?

304 replies

poxyfoxy · 20/03/2013 12:13

Ds is seven, his father and I seperated when he was just a couple of months old. I met my now husband when he was 18 months old, and he now has two brothers. He sees his dad evey other weekend.

DS has his fathers surname, but for the last year he has wanted my surname (the same as my husbands and his brothers), he just started to write it at school and at home. As a compromise I suggested that he use both names, and we approached his Dad to make sure he was happy with it. He's not, and will entertain no conversation about it.

I don't know what to do now, seems so unfair Sad

OP posts:
MarianForrester · 20/03/2013 15:41

I think he's too young, and may well change his mind.

Dss's mum changed his name to her new married name though he still had regular contact with his dad, who did not object at the time as he was persuaded best for dss. It is difficult for forms and stuff though and led to real confusion, like him looking at gravestones with his new surname and thinking they could be ancestors, bit sad.

I see why it seems desirable, but I'd leave it for now. When he's older different name won't seem such a big deal.

ChunkyEasterChick · 20/03/2013 15:48

I don't think YABU to stand by your DS but w/out his DF's permission, I can't see a way around it. I can totally see why your DS would want his name to reflect his new family but can equally understand his DF's feelings as my DH expressed having quite strong feelings about me changing my name when we married although the lack of discussion is wrong.

I did change my name, FWIW, because I liked the obvious sign of marriage and like my dc having the same name as both parents BUT I don't see myself getting married again/changing names/having loads more kids with different names. My DH was brought up by a step-father but retained his DF's name - so I guess my family's name is not actually a reflection of who actually was my DH's "Dad" just his father iyswim...

Names are complicated in modern life - perhaps we should adopt a Scandinavian type concept of Dad's name for boys & Mum's name for girls??

thegreylady · 20/03/2013 16:03

Fry I am like your mum-same age and really regret changing my name when I remarried after the death of my dcs' father.This means I have the same surname as my stepdc but not as my own dc.
I love dh and stepdc but feel I have somehow 'let down' my lovely children :(

Astley · 20/03/2013 18:08

Yes but OP when you keep saying he 'made a spy card with my name' etc, what you really mean is he made a card with your new husbands name on....unless you two happened to have the same birth name.

So to his Father he's not taking your name, he's taking another mans name, a man who is not your sons Father. Can you really not see the difference?

mynewpassion · 20/03/2013 18:23

Leave it as it is. Tell him if he feels strongly the same in 9 years, he can legally change it at the time.

AThingInYourLife · 20/03/2013 18:28

"what you really mean is he made a card with your new husbands name on....unless you two happened to have the same birth name."

Shock

Are you fucking serious?

I find the idea of women taking men's names unpleasant, but I still accept that a woman who has chosen to take her husbands's name has a name.

You are saying that the OP is nameless. That because she changed her name when she got married she does not have her own name, but just gets to use a man's name.

The name the little boy wants is the name of his brothers and his mother.

And if his father is such a chauvinist twat that he can only see it as another man's name, then shame on him.

What kind of juvenile asshole would you need to be to be cross with a seven year old for their choice of spy name?

What a total fucking prick.

millie30 · 20/03/2013 18:39

Completely agree (as usual) with AThingInYourLife.

And this is why I will always be grateful to my Mum who called me the night before I was due to register DS. I was 5 days postnatal and had been browbeaten into agreeing to give him my DP's name, until she spoke to me about how I would feel having a different name to the baby I had just carried and given birth to. 4 weeks later I was a lone parent and have been raising him alone ever since. I am so glad I listened to her.

VelvetSpoon · 20/03/2013 18:49

I think your DS's dads view is completely valid. If he had done a runner shortly after, if not before DS was born, never seen him or only maintained sporadic contact, then I think he would be in difficulties objecting, but not in the current situation.

I have to say this is one of the reasons I wouldn't change my name if I got married. I have 2 DSs, DS1 (who has never met his father) has my surname. DS2 (whose father I was in a relationship with for 8 years) has his dad's surname. I always intended to keep my own name if we married so that DS1 would never feel different to the rest of the family, because there would always be one other person with the same name as him.

OBface · 20/03/2013 18:50

Athing you come across as a little bit aggressive in tone...

I really don't think OP ex partner can be called a chauvinist twat based on the information we have. I didn't take my husband's name and my daughter has both our surnames but still can completely understand why OP's ex dp isn't keen on his son taking his step fathers name. A name represents more than just a name IYSWIM.

OP's ds is still only 7 please remember and no matter how emotionally mature he is can't fully appreciate the gravity of the decision.

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts · 20/03/2013 18:53

Can you (as I have done with my 8yo ds1 and ex) negotiate a waiting period, say a year, and if after that time your ds still wants to change his name, then you can discuss it between you all rationally.

As it turns out, my ds changed his mind after a few months so I'm glad I didn't push the ex into agreeing to the name change.

AThingInYourLife · 20/03/2013 18:57

"I really don't think OP ex partner can be called a chauvinist twat based on the information we have."

He thinks the child having his name is a sign of ownership.

He won't even let the little boy use his mother's surname when he is pretending to be a spy.

That is enough information.

Poor little kid.

elastamum · 20/03/2013 19:10

I never changed my name when I married, but my children have my ex husbands surname, so have always had a different surname to mine. It is something I regret, as they would have been much better off with both our names hyphenated. I have been stopped by immigration and asked to prove the children are mine and now carry copies of their birth certificates when travelling. DS2 also asked if he could change his surname to mine after his dad remarried as he wanted to be recognised as my son, but he wasnt allowed to.

I did look inot this with my solicitor and she said that at 14yrs, if you make a court application on behalf of the child the court will go with the childs wishes.

FryOneFatManic · 20/03/2013 19:15

All those who are saying the child shouldn't be taking on the name of another man. Well, it's the name of his mum, and his brothers, and yes, his step-father. But, it's a name that links him to his new family. So, if he double-barrels it, then he has a link to everyone he cares about.

It's not about rejecting the bio dad, but about adding to the link with that dad.

The dad is being unreasonable for a flat NO without even any discussion with the child's mum. The only reason so far given, "because it's makes me think he's mine", seems very possessive. He's only considering himself and not the child's feelings.

If he was at least willing to discuss this with the child, that would help, even if the end result is that the son would wait until old enough to do the change himself. Because then it wouldn't look like he's ignoring the child's feelings, which are as valid as anyone else's. Is it really right to make the child feel his feelings won't count?

OBface · 20/03/2013 19:16

It's a bit of a jump to say he thinks his son having his name is sign of ownership. Where from the OP did you get that?

You also don't know that he bought up the spy name with his son, it could have been a conversation between him and the OP. I also can understand how he would be hurt to see his son write his name as his step father's name rather than his own. Are you really that lacking in empathy? You come across as a bit man hatey...

OBface · 20/03/2013 19:19

My post was in response to Athing just to be clear.

Fry you make a good point, I think perhaps double-barrelling the surnames would be the sensible thing to do but can understand the OP's exp upset at the suggestion to lose his name altogether. I probably would be the most rational if the same thing was asked of me.

JenaiMorris · 20/03/2013 19:26

How is it that a 7yo has even noticed that he has a different surname to his mother and her other children?

Double barrel your eldest's name, OP. And double barrel your other children's so that each has their mother's surname as part of their own.

Bowlersarm · 20/03/2013 19:26

Blimey Athing are you having a bad day?

I feel a bit sad for your ex-OH, OP, but also for your DS although at 7 he is still very young to be making such a big decision about his name, and one that he may regret (if he changes it) as his relationship with his father develops over the years. I don't think you should do anything rashly, discuss in more detail with ex?

OBface · 20/03/2013 19:41

^wouldn't be the most rational^

Original poster
poxyfoxy · 20/03/2013 19:45

To be clear:

He is not losing his Dad's name, he wants to add our name to it.

The 'ownership' reference probably refers to DS's Dad one and only reason for not letting him change it which is "because it makes me know he's mine"

The spy name was brought up with DS, he got such a telling off that he crumped the other card he had made and hid it in his trouser pocket - it was me finding that and asking Ds that brought it out, I wouldn't have known about it otherwise

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 20/03/2013 19:45

"How is it that a 7yo has even noticed that he has a different surname to his mother and her other children?"

:o

Seriously? How stupid are the 7 year olds you know?

My 5 year old has noticed that I have a different name from her. And decided to change it for me so I match the rest of them.

Kids notice shit.

OB

that's the reason his Father gave for him not wanting him to change it; "because it's makes me think he's mine" to be precise

The child's proposal is that he keep his Dad's name and add his mother's and brothers'.

The only thing this man would lose is exclusive "ownership" rights.

There are good reasons for delaying or denying the kid's request.

But his father being a spoilt, childish wanker who outs his own feelings ahead if his child's isn't one of them.

Original poster
poxyfoxy · 20/03/2013 19:47

Jenai -I mentioned before, this came up when DS's brother started at school.... scroll down

OP posts:
Original poster
poxyfoxy · 20/03/2013 19:50

Thanks Athing.... it's quite therapeutic hearing someone else call him a wanker Grin

OP posts:
MissPants · 20/03/2013 19:54

What a strange thread!

OP "My son wants to change his name, I have suggested he double barrell it, AIBU?"

MN "YABU, don't change his name, double barrell it instead"

How very odd Grin

Latara · 20/03/2013 19:55

I think leave it a year or so as other posters have suggested; as your son may change his mind in that time.

The double barrelled surname is a good idea; but if your exP is anything like my neighbour (who is a single dad & gets jel of the mum's new man) then he will not want your son to have the name of your husband at all.

TheSecondComing · 20/03/2013 19:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.