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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be unreasonable about what my dad said at our wedding?

73 replies

happymundanes · 17/03/2013 12:29

My dad gave a very heartfelt, lovely speech at our wedding. He said I was a much loved daughter, an amazing cook and a wonderful mother and that DH should cherish me because I was one in a million. Just how massively U am I to think now (not so much at the time, was very Grin etc.) that I have achieved quite a lot in my life (am in my forties, took forever to find a partner and have children) that I am proud of, in my career and also personally, things I've really had to strive for, but the only thing my dad sees as important is my ability to cook (I am quite good) and be a good mother (I'm only a normally good mother as we usually are). Am I hideous?

OP posts:
MrsWolowitz · 17/03/2013 12:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MardyBra · 17/03/2013 12:34

I think you're overthinking it all a bit. Your dad was probably seeing it from a bloke's perspective of wanting a lovely woman/good cook to settle down with.

catgirl1976 · 17/03/2013 12:34

A bit U from me too

He was probably thinking "what makes a good wife" and being of an older generation thought these things were important. Not very progressive but well meant

Plus he said you were a wonderful mother. And I bet that is your number 1 achievement.

somewhereaclockisticking · 17/03/2013 12:35

He was looking for things to compliment you on that seem imporant to a man in a marriage - yes it's lovely if you have a successful career and acted responsibly etc etc but he's probably thinking that if you lost your job tomorrow then your new huband should be expected to provide for you and the children. It's not even an old fashioned view really because there are alot of men out there in their 20's that still think it's their job to provide for the woman (but of course quite nice to find a wife who has a good job and money!!).

Sparklyboots · 17/03/2013 12:36

Oh, I'd BU along exactly the same lines. Though possibly in a wise-crack way rather than a FGS you are a sexist old git kind of way. Or instigating a conversation about someone else in a similar situation (publicly being appreciated for the ways in which she's fits trad gender stereotypes rather than the fact she's a brilliant thinker) to get round to the but Dad! My job's fab! moment.

GloriaPritchett · 17/03/2013 12:36

Why on earth bring up your career at your wedding? YABU, sorry.

Original poster
happymundanes · 17/03/2013 12:36

Mardy that's worse!

He is a very kind and lovely man, but very traditional. He never really approved of all the career and travel stuff I did and kept telling me I was going to 'miss the boat'.

OP posts:
Trills · 17/03/2013 12:40

He complimented you on the qualities and skills and achievements that he sees as being most important.

YAB a bit U to complain that he did so in a way that was entirely consistent with his character and what you know of what he considers important.

YA not being so U to be a little sad that what you consider to be your best qualities/skills/achievements are not the ones that he values.

Sparklyboots · 17/03/2013 12:40

Have to disagree with the 'bloke's perspective' comment. My OH couldn't make rent without me but I could do very well without him. He, and other men of this generation would be stupid to think of nuturing as the primary thing a partner offers, as our economic system is not really set up to support a family on single income any more. Find it really retro, TBH. And not reflective of me or my contemporaries' experience.

hallamoo · 17/03/2013 12:41

The 'amazing cook' bit is a bit old fashioned, but the other stuff is lovely - all about family. I always think 'what would I rather have on my gravestone?' 'Had a fabulous career' or 'much loved & cherished daughter, mother, wife etc'. Sorry don't mean for that to sound morbid, it's just getting a little perspective on what's important in the bigger picture.

MrsHelsBels74 · 17/03/2013 12:41

I do think you are BU. I'd much rather be a wonderful wife & mother than the most successful career woman ever. Surely weddings are about family not work anyway.

queenofthepirates · 17/03/2013 12:41

Not hideous but perhaps undervaluing what a lovely Dad you have. I think there may be a few MNers who didn't have their Dad at their wedding and would have bitten your arm off for that kind of a speech.

Original poster
happymundanes · 17/03/2013 12:42

I feel like he thinks everything else I have done has been just fannying around before the real business of marriage and kids.

OP posts:
Sparklyboots · 17/03/2013 12:43

Oo, what Trills said re 'don't be surprised at him/ do still find it annoying that you aren't valued for the things you regard as achievements

Bunbaker · 17/03/2013 12:43

Sorry but YABU. Being a great mother/cook/daughter etc are compliments. Just accept them. Your dad is from a different generation and probably doesn't see your achievements in the same way as you do. Besides, being a great cook and mother is (in his eyes) probably more relevant to marriage than a great career. Basically, your dad is placing more importance on you as a wonderful person than as a breadwinner.

MardyBra · 17/03/2013 12:44

So it seems that it's not just an oversight but a long-standing source of friction.

My dad is of the same old school style, but I think anyone who is close to you will know your positive qualities and won't need to have had them spelled bout by your dad.

FWIW my dad made a huge proper gaffe in his wedding speech. DH and I just laughed it off.

catgirl1976 · 17/03/2013 12:44

It's a shame he thinks like that, but he's probably not going to change and he clearly loves you and values you. Maybe not for all the reasons you would like, but for his own reasons

Be proud of being loved and valued, no matter what it is he values you for

PureQuintessence · 17/03/2013 12:44

Yabu.

Your career has nothing to do with your wedding and married life. Why on earth would you want your dad to regale your professional achievements in his wedding speech, you nutter! Grin

wannabedomesticgoddess · 17/03/2013 12:44

Your Dad held you in his arms when you were a baby and imagined a future for you. He wanted to see you happy and in his view being married with a family is a happy life.

He pointed out wonderful qualities about your character because that is what he sees. He doesnt know you professionally. He sees you being a mother and a daughter. So he commented accordingly.

YANBU to want recognition for your sucessful career. But YABU to expect it from your dad.

MardyBra · 17/03/2013 12:46

When I said "bloke's perspective" I should have added "some". Particularly from a certain generation.

Nanny0gg · 17/03/2013 12:47

What did you want?

A list?

catgirl1976 · 17/03/2013 12:47

At my cousins wedding, her Dad gave a speech about how proud he was about her being a rape survivor and getting through a difficult trial that resulted in the rapist being convicted and sentenced

I thought that was rather unsuitable for a wedding speech Hmm

Being proud of how good a mother someone is (and even that they are a brilliant cook) less so

kickassangel · 17/03/2013 12:47

It does sound like to him he sees the family part of a woman's life as the main focus, but you probably knew that anyway. You aren't able to change him, but is your dh proud of everything you have achieved, not just your cooking?

FairhairedandFrustrated · 17/03/2013 12:47

Just a bit of perspective - at my wedding my dad introduced my sister as "the good looking one" right in front of me...

MardyBra · 17/03/2013 12:48

Are you BU to ask "AIBU to BU...". Confused

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