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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be unreasonable about what my dad said at our wedding?

73 replies

happymundanes · 17/03/2013 12:29

My dad gave a very heartfelt, lovely speech at our wedding. He said I was a much loved daughter, an amazing cook and a wonderful mother and that DH should cherish me because I was one in a million. Just how massively U am I to think now (not so much at the time, was very etc.) that I have achieved quite a lot in my life (am in my forties, took forever to find a partner and have children) that I am proud of, in my career and also personally, things I've really had to strive for, but the only thing my dad sees as important is my ability to cook (I am quite good) and be a good mother (I'm only a normally good mother as we usually are). Am I hideous?

OP posts:

Sparklyboots · 17/03/2013 12:48

Don't think you should be valuing what he said on the basis that others don't have dads to say it, seems an odd way to evaluate the situation.

diddl · 17/03/2013 12:49

"I feel like he thinks everything else I have done has been just fannying around before the real business of marriage and kids"

Perhaps he does think that?

But really marriage is about family & children,isn't it?

No one person's career to date?

Flojobunny · 17/03/2013 12:50

Mardy what did he say/do?

NuhichNuhaymuh · 17/03/2013 12:50

UABabitU.

The speech was a wedding sppech, not one about your achievements. Mentioning you as a mother isn't too out there seeing your "officially" a family, the mentioning the cooking, well maybe he just thinks you really are, or maybe when you get together as a family (assuming you do here!) He really enjoys it and greatly admires the food you put together.

He adores you and wants yor cherised. Not exactly a bad sort!

MardyBra · 17/03/2013 12:51

Sorry Flojo. It would probably out me. Nothing too heinous, just cringeworthy though.

AWeeBitConfused · 17/03/2013 12:51

My dad said nothing about me in his speech. He thanked everyone for coming and said he hoped they would all have a good night.

Original poster

happymundanes · 17/03/2013 12:52

I'm not a career type at all really, but I have worked in a field has put me in some interesting situations and I think I have taken my opportunities, learned several languages, supported myself (without a man!), bought a flat. I dunno, I just felt a bit glossed over.

I meant to say in my OP that I am aware lots of people don't have a dad I was very glad he was there.

OP posts:

MardyBra · 17/03/2013 12:52

That's sad AWee. Maybe he was nervous.

catgirl1976 · 17/03/2013 12:53

Plus, there is nothing more tedious than the father-of-the-bride speech where he lists every achievement from potty training, bronze swimming medal, nativity play as Mary through to degree and full run down of her CV

Trills · 17/03/2013 12:53

If I ever get married and have a father of the bride speech I know that my dad will intend to say nice things but I also know that he would probably not say things that I would necessarily be pleased about.

Trills · 17/03/2013 12:54

Thanks SparklyBoots :)

brettgirl2 · 17/03/2013 12:54

I dont think yabu in one way. However your dad is who he is, so I also think you need to accept him, if you havent changed him yet you wont now.

Concentrate on his good points

MardyBra · 17/03/2013 12:55

Seriously OP, there will be lots of worse stories, including some already on this thread. He said lovely things,you weren't "glossed over" according to your Op. I would try and just let it go. Hope you had a lovely wedding.

catgirl1976 · 17/03/2013 12:56

How long ago was your wedding?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 17/03/2013 12:59

Better that, than what I have witnessed at some weddings where the FotB seems to think it is the appropriate moment to run through his daughter's CV!

My SIL's Dad even discussed her trumpet playing from the age of 8 - and took the opportunity to say how proud they were of her brother as well. She looked uncomfortable, everyone laughed and not in a good way and I had a secret 'Ha' moment because I hate her.

Original poster

happymundanes · 17/03/2013 12:59

Am at some of the dad's speech tales [fairhaired ) and would die to know what Mardy's was.

You are all absolutely right of course. And so am I, because I knew I was being unreasonable

OP posts:

LRDtheFeministDragon · 17/03/2013 12:59

Actually, I would have been upset. But then my dad would have known I would have been upset. Did yours have any reason to realize you wouldn't like his speech?

I think it makes a big difference, whether he'd know he was winding you up or not. My dad told me before I got married that women aren't grown up until their wedding day, and he'd planned to put that in his speech. I told him how I felt about that. If he'd then said it, I would have been fucking livid ... but because he knew how I felt.

I do think it can be sad to see yourself through their eyes and think 'oh, that's how you see me ... ok', because after all, when else do you get your parents telling you what they think about you? I don't think it's fair to say the OP just wanted more compliments.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 17/03/2013 13:01

I'm going to go against the grain and say YANBU. My dad didn't go to my wedding but at all of my closest friends weddings their dads gave speeches extolling the virtues of their daughters, their educational achievements and their careers. All men born in 1930s to 1950s so not sons of the 60s women's movement either and all relatively traditional in their own ways.

There's not much you can do about it but I think you are fair in your point of view.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 17/03/2013 13:03

Oh, and btw, the saddest father of the bride speech I've heard was for a mate of mine who probably can't have children. Her dad's speech was all about what a lovely mum she would make. I have no idea why, I suppose he thought it was nice to tell her she would have been great but it was just awful to listen to.

MardyBra · 17/03/2013 13:04

LRD the difference is that you discussed it with your dad first. The OP's dad was just trying to do his best and say a few nice things.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 17/03/2013 13:07

Yes, precisely - I'm asking the OP, did her dad have any reason to know she might feel this way? I think she needs to consider whether it's something he really should have known (ie., he's ignored her when she's said what she feels proud of herself for/how she feels about this stuff), or whether he didn't.

WafflyVersatile · 17/03/2013 13:08

I'd try not to get peed off for the reasons already stated.

He's old-fashioned and it was his speech about you, not your speech about you. It's about marriage not achievements as such. It's a shame he doesn't value career success in a daughter but that's a general gripe rather than about a wedding.

Did anyone say that you were getting a good husband because of his skills on the golf course or because he speak french fluently? People tend not to marry because their partner has a flair for statistical analysis or can recite Beowulf all the way through.

I thought the dad's job was to tell a funny story from when you were wee and tell the groom he's lucky because you're jolly lovely. And maybe mention that he finds the groom satisfactory.

Original poster

happymundanes · 17/03/2013 13:12

I don't think he would ever do anything to upset me, I think he just has very strong views on the way the world works and isn't going to change them for anything. Recently, he came for lunch (my cheesecake sank, as if in support ) and ticked me off because I disagreed with him too vociferously. Oh, how noisy this woman is! Covering his ears to block out the sound of opinionated woman. Basically ticked me off in front of my children (one of whom is a teenager and has not failed to bate me with it this hilarious comedic device). I was livid but didn't say anything because he has generally been a great father.

OP posts:

LRDtheFeministDragon · 17/03/2013 13:14

Mmm. Time to grit your teeth and seethe inwardly. I'm sure he does really love you - but the good bit is, you never have to get married again. Yay!

(Repeating this mantra helped me through my wedding very nicely. In fact it is the first thing DH and I said to each other once we got out the door. )

Trinpy · 17/03/2013 13:17

YABU, but its understandable. I agree with LRD that it can be sad to see yourself through their eyes.

At my wedding, my mum's speech (my dad hates public speaking) focussed on amusing anecdotes about my siblings, only giving me a brief mention along the lines of 'oh and then Trinpy was born and she pretty much just slotted in around everyone else'. In H's speech he said something nice to every guest (small wedding) and then completely forgot to say anything about me.

It's upsetting but you get over it . I'm assuming your wedding was quite recently?

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