Or are my parents a complete waste of time and energy

[mummysgoingmad]

So i'm 20 weeks pregnant I have one 4 year old son whose autistic and I am currently attempting to gain my degree in nursing.

A couple of weeks ago my car broke down very suddenly when I was on my way to a placement for uni. This particular placement is in the middle of nowhere so I really do need my car. My father took out a loan so I could buy the car (this took 6 solid months of begging and finally my brothers had a word. he can afford to help as he has a very good job working off shore) and I pay him back every month through paypal as he lives abroad. When the car broke down I thought I would try and appeal to his better nature and I asked him if I could defer on this month?s payment for the car as I needed to get it fixed, well he went nuts! I said ? dad I need my car I have to get to placement I have one child who I have to transport around and another on the way? to which he replied ? don?t even start me on your that (meaning the pregnancy) it?s a fucking mistake and if I was you I would get rid of it!? #

Now, there was absolutely no need for that reply was there? I swiftly told him he is a horrible old man and not to contact me again. I did however say that he would get the car payments back even if it puts me into debt doing it.

Now for my mum! She had been involved in a very toxic relationship with a man for 3 years. I thought it was over last year when he beat her and was really relieved as I cannot stand him. My brother and I traveled the 86 miles to remove him from her home and make sure she was ok. After this my aunties and he friends began to tell me other things this man had done for example, screaming in my son?s face (he hates loud noises and get really distraught) pinning my mum by the throat to a wall, the list is endless really. Needless to say he is a nasty drunken idiot, and if I ever saw him again I would quite happily run over him and then reverse back over him just to make sure I got him!

My mother knows how I and my other 2 brother feel about this man, her sisters and her friends have made their feelings clear too and we have all done our very best to try to support her. So in November you can imagine my horror and, well, anger when I found out that this man had never really left, she had removed his son from her home (10 years old) but then continued to see this guy on the sly. What makes it worse is that my son has been in her house while he was there (she denies it but I know he has!)

I asked her to watch my son for me in my house as me and my partner are planning on going on a trip away together, this is something we never get as we don?t really have much support around us so we don?t get any ?us? time. This is when she A, decided to tell me that this useless excuse of a man was back on the scene and, B was going on holiday with him so couldn't help me out.

I feel like I want to cease all contact with them both. I am so angry hurt and disgusted at their behavior.
AMBU?

I'm still struggling to see what the OP's mum did wrong. Why are people suggesting the OP has nothing more to do with her mum? as I understand it, the OP's parents are separated so it's not like she had any control over the dad loan. The OP wants her mum to babysit so she can go away but her mum already has her own holiday booked. It's not like she's said she'll never babysit the OP's DS, just she's not prepared to cancel her own holiday to do it.

I can see if you have as much on your plate as the OP has you might not think to check the dates with your mum, particularly if you are used to her not going away a lot/having plans that can't be cancelled, but the fact the OP's mum is not available and the OP didn't check this before booking the holiday is clearly not the mum's fault. Does anyone really think the mum is out of order for not cancelling her holiday??? Why can't the PIL cancel their plans as they helped create this situation by buying a holiday without checking there was childcare in place.

OP - in those 6 months of nagging your dad, did you ask anyone else to take out a loan for your car for you? Your brother who was also nagging your dad? Your Mum? Your PIL? Do they all have such bad credit ratings they couldn't get a car loan or was it more that none of them could afford to subsidise you if you wanted to miss payments? Why was getting your dad to get the loan the only option? (Or was he the only option when you thought that it would be optional to pay it back or not, whereas PIL, Mum, DB etc clearly couldn't afford you not to pay)

Sulking and tantruming is manipulating behaviour Aitch, why would I not say it if that's what I thought?

If it was someones DP I'd say the same, they're trying to make people feel bad so they do as they're told and think twice the next time they have something to say.

I don't like it in RL either.

And why would I want to put the boot in? I don't know the OP from Adam and I'm certainly don't get a kick out of making randoms on the internet upset.

That'd be creepy and a bit sinister.

Op I don't think you are being unreasonable and I think you have had a very hard time here but that it AIBU!
I would suggest not asking them for help in future as you will be disappointed. Just remember that when they are old point them in the direction of your brother and remind them they are entitled should they ask you for help.

OP- when you kept on at your father for six months to take out a loan to buy you a car, you showed a total lack of respect for him, and his rights. You are now complaining at his lack of respect for you, in what he said about your pregnancy. Do you not see the irony? What he said was horrible- but so is pressurising someone into lending you money.

Nagging and whining is Unattractive in a 3 year

3 year old- but understandable because of their age. It's disrespectful and unpleasant in a teenager , but in a fully grown adult ...

And how do you know the ins and outs of your fathers finances anyway? He may have debts of his own. The fact he needed to take a loan out rather than have the money to hand suggests he's not got loads of cash lying around. The fact is- there may be parts of his life you know nothing about, yet you are assuming that he has endless cash to bankroll your life. Just as you are assuming that your mum will be available when it suits you so you can have a weeks holiday

I agree with Anneelliott

tbh i wonder how many people on this thread actually come from normal, functioning families themselves... if you had a grandchild with autism, who needed a lot of running around, and your daughter was pregnant and doing her best to complete nursing studies... you wouldn't let £70 slide without giving her a mouthful?

How many families do you know which are 'normal' and fully functioning in every sense of the word Aitch?

It's an illusion, they don't exist.

And trying to discredit posters by suggesting they're just fucked up because of their own parents, is pretty crap and low.

If I was short of cash one month for an emergency then I would ask my parents after having exhausted all other avenues of paid for loans if there was any chance they could lend it to me if they said yes I would be very grateful and pay it back at the earliest opportunity. If they said no I wouldn't nag and nag, because I know they've said no because they can't for whatever reason (and no reason is required from them).

If I wanted my parents to look after my kids one month then I would ask them after having exhausted all other avenues of paid for childcare, if there was any chance that they could look after the kids if they said yes I would be very grateful and be round with a small gift on collection of the children. If they said no I wouldn't nag and nag, because I know they've said no because they can't for whatever reason (and no reason is required from them).

These are my parents I love them dearly they love me dearly and I have a very close relationship with them BUT they are not a bank nor a childminder.

Well said agent zigzag

Families come in all shapes, sizes and shades of grey, and trying to make out that it's a black and white issue with one camp of grandparents who bankroll their adult children and act as free childminders because they love and care about them, and one camp of grandparents who expect their adult children to finance their own lives because they are unloving and uncaring is just utter claptrap

There could be all sorts of reasons unknown to the op why her father didnt feel able to lend the money. But rather than respect him as a fellow adult she Begged and nagged which is an awful way to behave. And now she's stamping her foot because he's not happy for her to default on a loan he didn't even want to make in the first place!

OP- where is your partner in all of this? What is he doing to support his children? Why are you focusing everything on your parents when they didn't decide to have your children?

I suggested the SN boards and Stately Homes threads to her as well Aitch, is that a non-fucked up bit of me because it's agreeing with you?

I've shown her sympathy as well, was that 'normal' and 'functioning' enough for you? Totally down to my own upbringing you understand.

I've not insulted the OP, I've told her what I think in a polite way, which is what she posted the thread for.

Stately Homes thread, OP, and quick. No-one's even read your posts here, by the sounds of it.

I think one of the interesting things about this thread is that the raw posting style and reverse chronology isn't casting the OP in the best light.

An experienced MNer would have frontloaded the post with the very negative background and for instance, offset the car loan against the context of the total cash DB had received, without details.

OP would then receive overwhelming support.

Basically, the principal reason the OP is being slated (to the extent that she is) is naive presentation.

I think (if the OP is still here that is) that she has made a couple of fundamental mistakes.

the first one being posting on AIBU. Sadly there are some on here who I seriously wonder about. What ARE these Keyboard Warriors like in RL?

The other mistake was thinking that her parents would do anything any differently to how they have always done it. Selfishly.

Yes to the posters that suggested Stately Homes.

OP, you have piss poor parents and they won't be there for you. you will do better without them in your life to be honest.

A normal parent would help their child out, unquestioningly. But sadly the OP doesn't have normal parents. Asking them nicely is not going to work, it invites them to judge and shit all over her, proffering their vile opinions, and showing them that they are NOT there for her in any way shape or form.

OP wants on some level to be loved, accepted and treated as her brothers are. That is not going to happen. She's not the golden child. She is the scapegoat.

OP, if you are still here, make your own way, you can do it and it really will be worth the effort.

Now you're implying posters disagreeing with you haven't read the OP or her posts Aitch.

Why?

I've read them and made up my own mind, why don't you feel comfortable with that?

AgentZigzag, if you're happy with the way you've spoken to the OP, then cool. Nothing I can do about that.

excellent posts by hissy and cumfy. do hope the OP receives support elsewhere.

I'm completely happy with what I've said Aitch.

Keyboard Warriors! Love it. Bet they don't see boo to any geese in RL.

we don't get any us time

welcome to begin a grown up!

your partner needs to do more. not your parents. unless you are a child.

Wow, Agent ZigZag, I feel sorry for you. You think that normal and fully functioning families don't exist and are an illusion? You have a pretty skewed view of families, then, is all I can say.

My own family is "normal and fully functioning", as are most of the families that I count amongst my friends. I do know of some very very dysfunctional families and feel terribly sad for them. It had certainly made me appreciate the supportive and loving environment that I've been brought up in.

good lord, what a reaction. If you're happy with what you've said, then don't have a go at me.