Or are my parents a complete waste of time and energy

[mummysgoingmad]

So i'm 20 weeks pregnant I have one 4 year old son whose autistic and I am currently attempting to gain my degree in nursing.

A couple of weeks ago my car broke down very suddenly when I was on my way to a placement for uni. This particular placement is in the middle of nowhere so I really do need my car. My father took out a loan so I could buy the car (this took 6 solid months of begging and finally my brothers had a word. he can afford to help as he has a very good job working off shore) and I pay him back every month through paypal as he lives abroad. When the car broke down I thought I would try and appeal to his better nature and I asked him if I could defer on this month?s payment for the car as I needed to get it fixed, well he went nuts! I said ? dad I need my car I have to get to placement I have one child who I have to transport around and another on the way? to which he replied ? don?t even start me on your that (meaning the pregnancy) it?s a fucking mistake and if I was you I would get rid of it!? #

Now, there was absolutely no need for that reply was there? I swiftly told him he is a horrible old man and not to contact me again. I did however say that he would get the car payments back even if it puts me into debt doing it.

Now for my mum! She had been involved in a very toxic relationship with a man for 3 years. I thought it was over last year when he beat her and was really relieved as I cannot stand him. My brother and I traveled the 86 miles to remove him from her home and make sure she was ok. After this my aunties and he friends began to tell me other things this man had done for example, screaming in my son?s face (he hates loud noises and get really distraught) pinning my mum by the throat to a wall, the list is endless really. Needless to say he is a nasty drunken idiot, and if I ever saw him again I would quite happily run over him and then reverse back over him just to make sure I got him!

My mother knows how I and my other 2 brother feel about this man, her sisters and her friends have made their feelings clear too and we have all done our very best to try to support her. So in November you can imagine my horror and, well, anger when I found out that this man had never really left, she had removed his son from her home (10 years old) but then continued to see this guy on the sly. What makes it worse is that my son has been in her house while he was there (she denies it but I know he has!)
I asked her to watch my son for me in my house as me and my partner are planning on going on a trip away together, this is something we never get as we don?t really have much support around us so we don?t get any ?us? time. This is when she A, decided to tell me that this useless excuse of a man was back on the scene and, B was going on holiday with him so couldn't help me out.

I feel like I want to cease all contact with them both. I am so angry hurt and disgusted at their behavior.
AMBU?

[RoseandVioletCreams]

op, some of these posters sound like my DB, he is scathing when he see's DC being spoilt ( as he calls it) by thier parents, even in the smallest way as he is an extremly bitter person.

another friend also said he felt angry when he saw what he called naughty Dc being " indgulged" in a resturant by a parent reasoining with them etc, he said he realised he did this because he wouldnt have been indulged but given a clip round hte ear and it was simply jealousy speaking and he was projecting about his own childhood.

thankfully my enlightened freind can recognise this in himself, not so my DB who is biiter and nasty about anyone receiveng what he thinks he didnt.

[mrsbunnylove]

as usual, i've read the first post and not the rest...
?My father took out a loan so I could buy the car (this took 6 solid months of begging and finally my brothers had a word. he can afford to help as he has a very good job working off shore)? I thought I would try and appeal to his better nature and I asked him if I could defer on this month?s payment ?

I asked her to watch my son for me in my house as me and my partner are planning on going on a trip away together?

I feel like I want to cease all contact with them both.?

do it. cease contact with them. they can only be glad.
you feel entitled to your father's salary. you feel entitled to your mother's time.
you need to adopt a more mature attitude.

[RoseandVioletCreams]

" I am currently attempting to gain my degree in nursing."

She is working to better herself isnt she and hopefully wont need loans in future she isnt sat doing nothing.

She is helping herself and asking for a tiny bit of help - to help her help herself. What in gods name in wrong with that?

" don?t even start me on your that (meaning the pregnancy) it?s a fucking mistake and if I was you I would get rid of it!? #"

Appalling disgusting comment - sounds like he doesnt like the first child, embarrased maybe who knows. Vile - abohorrent comment.

"My brother and I traveled the 86 miles to remove him from her home and make sure she was ok. After this my aunties and he friends began to tell me other things this man had done for example, screaming in my son?s face (he hates loud noises and get really distraught) pinning my mum by the throat to a wall, the list is endless really."

she travelled to help her mother - with a cleary dispicable human she has got herself entangled with. Her mother has lied to her and placed a vulnerable young man her grandson in the path of someone out of control and abusive.

Really strange what some people focus on in the ops story.

I am surpised no one has come on and just gone mad at her for the ?

??????????????????

[AgentZigzag]

You can't account for/discredit the posters who think the OP is being unreasonable Rose, by generalising how your brother is.

I wasn't being bitter, angry, jealous or nasty posting my opinion of what the OP had chosen to write.

I thought she wanted to know.

My homelife was relatively happy and secure as a child, and I don't treat my DDs to draconian discipline, (aside from locking them in the coal shed when they're interrupting my MNing) so I wasn't saying it because I was unhappy with my lot.

I do feel for the OP because she's in a situation which would bring many of us down, but she doesn't seem to do herself any favours.

[RoseandVioletCreams]

it takes time to un tangle yourself from a family like this agent and this op is twenty weeks pregnant, no need for some of the vile posts.

[AgentZigzag]

There's no need for any nasty posts full stop Rose, and I agree it's difficult to shake off what you had to go through as a child, but pointing out to the OP the parts of her thinking which would be taken as generally unreasonable expectations of what parents owe their children, isn't a character assassination of her.

Her answers from the start of the thread show she's not open to changing the way she thinks at the minute, and of course she doesn't have to, but there's no getting away from the fact that the truth can hurt sometimes.

[Goldenbear]

Agent, she is canvassing opinions on whether she should basically cut contact with her parents, I along with others think she has some very valid reasons to do so. As such it is not accurate to suggest that the 'truth hurts'- your perspective, along with others who do not judge her favourably does not amount to the truth, it is just YOUR opinion.

Cumfy, I'm not really sure how labelling the OP as dysfunctional is helpful at all. Her parents- yes, her - no. Your post is very patronising. She has valid grievances that she wants answers for, that does not make her the same as them.

[Ilovexmastime]

 I had to ask for the car loan as i got refused, my sons behavior was getting worse and if he didn't want to go somewhere he would lay down on the ground and refuse to move, rain, hail, snow the lot. It got so bad i ended putting my back out trying to carry him home and i routinely got my hair ripped out and punch in the face.

The lack of empathy on this board from some posters is astounding. I know it's AIBU but still. Can you not imagine having to deal with the above day in day out, whilst pregnant? To be at the end of your tether, with no one to turn to expect the father who you barely saw while you were growing up, apart from when he was home from the rigs, drunk? The father who is happy to help his son out, more than once? Who earns a better than good wage?
The way I read it, the OP didn't want to ask her father for help but felt she had no choice, and I don't blame her.

[simplesusan]

Op you are nbu in wanting help from your parents.

I hope I am more supportive towards my dcs when they are older.

However you have to face the facts. They are as they are, not supportive.

I wouldn't dream of asking either my parents or my pil to help out with car maintenance. My pil look after their daughter's children a lot more than they do ours. She has a dh and they have gone away for weekends far more than us because they get help with babysitting. This has drove my dh mad he has challenged them about it but guess what? Nothing has changed.

Agentzigzag was right, not all parents treat their dcs equally. My pil gave us nothing towards the cost of our wedding, even the wedding present was merley on a par with what other wedding guests bought us. Fine, except that they along with bil's parents, paid for their daughter's entire wedding!

All you can do is accept that they are what they are and vow that you will not be as crap with your own children and make sure that you treat them equally.

[AitchTwoOhOneTwo]

it all sounds very tiresome, OP, but i think what you're wishing for is what you haven't got... nice, supportive parents. i don't think it's unreasonable for you to expect them to treat you and your brothers equally, but you wouldn't be the first family to have less-favoured children. it's just a shame, you totally sound like you could do with a break. i'm wondering if the stately homes thread would be a kinder place for you to hang out while you process all this?

[WinkyWinkola]

Your dad sounds vile. I wouldn't want to be beholden to such a person.

Your mum is in a tricky situation. Up to her neck in it actually but she's an adult.

I would never ask for help from either of these two people again, frankly.

Are you certain you are getting all the state benefits you are allowed to have?

Congratulations on studying to be a nurse as well. You're doing amazingly well considering what you have on your plate.

[MyDarlingClementine]

yes don't be beholden to such people.
you have the car, keep paying the loan you have that at least and really lower your expectations in future.
and no your not the first to have parents who treat you differently, my DH DP treat him vastly differnetly to his DSIS.
she spends every weekend back at the family home, she can come and go as she pleases, he isnt even allowed a key.
to be fair they do help them both out a tiny bit financially BUT to my DH its because its he is a useless looser - to his DSIS its because she is so clever and just needs a little bonus!

[Tuppence2]

I don't understand why the op spent 6 months begging her abusive/alcoholic father to help her? It doesn't sound like he'd helped her before.

And I say this as my father's youngest child who he has very little contact with. I would never ask him for such a big favour. The last time we spoke, I asked my father if I could borrow £10 until payday (1 week away) his response was "you only ring me when you want something" and I said, "at least I ring you" and, funnily enough, he has never rang me since (over 5 years ago)

[janey68]

I don't think anyone is denying you have a lot on your plate, but what screams out at me from this thread is that you are displaying exactly the same type of behaviour which you are accusing your parents of, which makes it difficult to place all the blame on them.

What your father said about your pregnancy is totally out of order, and I want to be clear I am not making excuses, but I suspect it is borne out of assumptions that he is making about your situation - ie that you and your partner are irresponsible for conceiving while claiming to have no money and already having a challenging child and with you retraining. Now- YOUR perspective isnt the same as that, which hurts and upsets you

But can't you see that you are doing exactly the same thing to your parents: making assumptions about your fathers income and outgoings and whether he can afford to loan you money, making assumptions about your mothers 'duty' to provide childcare so you can go on a weeks holiday....

Clearly you feel very hard done by and that your parents should behave how you would like them to. However, they are adults with their own narrative and this is one of those situations where if they were to post here they would no doubt be telling us a different version

A couple of other points: approaching your father for money if you felt desperate is one thing. Nagging and pushing for 6 months is totally unacceptable and makes you sound like a brattish entitlled child not an adult.

Also- you say your holiday was a Xmas present from your partners parents, and that they are looking after your son for half the week and you want your mum to do the other half. Was this the arrangement when the present was given? It seems very odd to give a present which assumes (that word again!) that a third party will be able and willing to chip in with childcare..... Is it possible to reorganise so you go away for just half a week while your partners parents do childcare? After all, it's still more than many parents get. I don't think it's at all fair to blame your mum for not being able or agreeable to provide childcare as a result of someone else's Xmas present.

Ultimately, this is your life, your children are yours and their fathers responsibility- no one else chose to have kids for you both. And financing your life as an adult is your responsibility too

I empathise with the fact that you have a challenging child with SN but that doesn't change the fundamental issue that you are expecting things from your parents which you have no automatic right to assume

[dikkertjedap]

OP- It looks that you have a hard childhood yourself and now you are having a hard time as a parent with a young child.

Being a parent is not easy at the best of times, but being a parent with little money and no support network to speak of is so much more difficult.

In future, I would not post on Mumsnet if I were you. Many MN are very entitled in their own way - many of them are a sorry lot as several other threads show such as

• questioning whether there is poverty in the UK
  
• thinking that aid to developing countries should be reconsidered
  
• thinking that children from illegal immigrants should only have access to emergency care but not standard healthcare
  

I don't think that you are entitled expecting your family to help. But I am from a very different culture, where families do help each other. The same for my DH.

The Mumsnet community (if you can call it a community) is quite unique in the sense that the prevailing view seems that anybody who expects anything from their family is entitled. It is a very sad view of family life, and probably quite a few of these same posters who call you entitled will have had lots of support from their families, but they just don't like others to get the same. No doubt there will also be posters who have had no help at all and think that that is the norm, only God knows how they behave towards their own children when they reach 18.

Most civilised people would be horrified by some of the stuff spouted on Mumsnet. So my first piece of advice to you:

NEVER EVER ASK FOR SUPPORT ON MUMSNET, you only risk being trodden upon when you are down, so just don't do it, go for a walk, do other things, but don't go on Mumsnet. The majority of posters will have no inclination at all to support you as you do not fit in their world view of how things should be.

However, it is very important that you seek help in the Real World. You need to get a plan together, including support dealing with your son and if your study is too much, maybe see if it can be spread out over an extra year or so, to make it more manageable. At your university/college there may be a support officer you could speak to. Your problems won't be solved overnight, but just having a clear plan with small do-able steps will probably already help a lot. Don't spend time on Mumsnet as it is unlikely to help you and more likely to get you further down, that is the least of all things you need at present. Build in some small rewards for yourself (and dh who should ideally be involved in this all) when you achieve your objectives.

OP what you need is belief in yourself and the confidence to seek the help you need. YOU CAN DO IT!

[AgentZigzag]

For someone who clearly doesn't like MN dikker, that's a very long post.

You're wrong about asking for support from the posters on here, it's one of the things MN does best.

[dikkertjedap]

The majority of MN like to support a certain type of MN, eg. a bit like themselves. It is clear that OP does not fall into this category.

Therefore, OP has nothing to gain here and if anything it can push her down even further. OP needs support. The majority of posters on this thread are not supporting OP.

[dikkertjedap]

I don't like people to be kicked when they are down ...

[ShellyBoobs]

[Mumsnet] is quite unique in the sense that the prevailing view seems that anybody who expects anything from their family is entitled.

It's not unique at all.

Many, many people outside of MN would also think it's entitled to expect help from family, too.

It's nice to have help, I'm sure, but it simply is entitled to expect it if it's not offered.

[AitchTwoOhOneTwo]

i think a lot of what dikker says is true of this thread, unfortunately.

[janey68]

I think weve got the message loud and clear that you don't like mumsnet dikker!

I also think that it's often spouted that families who don't lend money, gift money as house deposits and provide a free childminding service for their adult kids are 'unloving and uncaring'

That's bollocks. It's about mutual respect. I have a loving and close relationship with my parents but i wouldn't dream of assuming they would look after my children for a week so I could have a holiday, let alone the day to say care some adults expect to be given for free. As for nagging my father for 6 months for a car loan - well, words fail me..

The op may not have had the best parenting in the world, but she is now guilty of exactly the same things she's accusing her parents of! That's the irony. She's stamping her feet because she can't get them to do what she wants

[AgentZigzag]

There are so many different subjects in the OP that it just wouldn't be possible for all the posters answering to agree on every single one dikkert.

She wanted to know whether her mum and dad were unreasonable in denying her what she wanted from them, some said yes.

I can't see how that equals only supporting a certain type of person.

People have written their posts picking up bits which they've experienced in their own lives or that they have strong feelings about, what are you expecting them to post about? Just giving 'there, there, it'll all blow over if you ignore them' answers, doesn't sound very supportive to me.

[AitchTwoOhOneTwo]

nor does calling her entitled and spoilt, though. the poor woman has a shitload to deal with, and seems to be doing pretty well on it. her dad absolutely could have let £70 slide without slagging off her pregnancy, anyone's dad could.

this is really the wrong place on MN to have posted, i feel. there is loads of support out there, but on AIBU people really relish putting the boot in.