Or are my parents a complete waste of time and energy

[mummysgoingmad]

So i'm 20 weeks pregnant I have one 4 year old son whose autistic and I am currently attempting to gain my degree in nursing.

A couple of weeks ago my car broke down very suddenly when I was on my way to a placement for uni. This particular placement is in the middle of nowhere so I really do need my car. My father took out a loan so I could buy the car (this took 6 solid months of begging and finally my brothers had a word. he can afford to help as he has a very good job working off shore) and I pay him back every month through paypal as he lives abroad. When the car broke down I thought I would try and appeal to his better nature and I asked him if I could defer on this month?s payment for the car as I needed to get it fixed, well he went nuts! I said ? dad I need my car I have to get to placement I have one child who I have to transport around and another on the way? to which he replied ? don?t even start me on your that (meaning the pregnancy) it?s a fucking mistake and if I was you I would get rid of it!? #

Now, there was absolutely no need for that reply was there? I swiftly told him he is a horrible old man and not to contact me again. I did however say that he would get the car payments back even if it puts me into debt doing it.

Now for my mum! She had been involved in a very toxic relationship with a man for 3 years. I thought it was over last year when he beat her and was really relieved as I cannot stand him. My brother and I traveled the 86 miles to remove him from her home and make sure she was ok. After this my aunties and he friends began to tell me other things this man had done for example, screaming in my son?s face (he hates loud noises and get really distraught) pinning my mum by the throat to a wall, the list is endless really. Needless to say he is a nasty drunken idiot, and if I ever saw him again I would quite happily run over him and then reverse back over him just to make sure I got him!

My mother knows how I and my other 2 brother feel about this man, her sisters and her friends have made their feelings clear too and we have all done our very best to try to support her. So in November you can imagine my horror and, well, anger when I found out that this man had never really left, she had removed his son from her home (10 years old) but then continued to see this guy on the sly. What makes it worse is that my son has been in her house while he was there (she denies it but I know he has!)
I asked her to watch my son for me in my house as me and my partner are planning on going on a trip away together, this is something we never get as we don?t really have much support around us so we don?t get any ?us? time. This is when she A, decided to tell me that this useless excuse of a man was back on the scene and, B was going on holiday with him so couldn't help me out.

I feel like I want to cease all contact with them both. I am so angry hurt and disgusted at their behavior.
AMBU?

[nevertoolate26]

akaemmafrost I think alot of people post on here when they're stressed and feeling vulnerable and think they'll get some tlc

[MerryCouthyMows]

Deskplanner - 4 years ago, I felt the sane as you. I was offered a week's holiday for free, but turned it down because I couldn't imagine going away without my DC's.

Another 4 years down the line, and it's a different story. I have a 15yo DD with Autism, a 10yo DS1 starting the assessment process for Aspergers, a 9yo DS2 with Autism...and now my 2yo DS3 is in the process of getting an Autism dx.

If someone offered me a week's holiday without my DC's now - I'd bite their arm off. I NEED a rest.

Maybe the OP does too FFS!!

[thebody]

Op, my parents are mad as March hares but would support me any support they could at a moments notice. So would my sister.

I would walk to the ends of the earth for my kids and 2 of them are grown up.

My dds only has to text her brothers and they are there for her in an instant.

I can count on my sils too.

That's what families should do.

I think your parents sound nasty.

You have so much on your plate so good luck.

[akaemmafrost]

I am sure they do, but AIBU seldom goes the way one might expect and it seems that anything goes. If I was feeling remotely fragile I would never post here. It's also hard to get across all the nuances of what's going on in a situation so people post replies at face value and seem to get quite carried away. I'd probably have put this in relationships.

[akaemmafrost]

Bloody hell couthy I've got two with ASD and I frequently feel on my knees. to you.

[DontmindifIdo]

Goldenbear - I think what's got people's backs up isn't that the OP expects some help, but that it should be entirely on her terms regardless of what else is going on - I can't believe anyone would think it's acceptable that she would a) think the mother should cancel her holiday so that she can babysit for the OP's DS so she can have a holiday (it's not like the OP's mum said no but was going to be at home doing nothing that weekend).

[akaemmafrost]

No don't post anything you're really upset about because if it doesn't go your way you'll feel even more rubbish.

[PeachesandStrawberry]

OP.

You seem to have been given a right bashing on here. YANBU to expect some help from your family and your dad shouldn't have said what he said to you.

As for those other people bashing the OP, you do realise that there is a real person and she is probably feeling far worse now.

I don't blame her for leaving the thread.

[zwischenzug]

There are two important things to separate in this situation...

1. Yes, parents should be prepared to help their kids out.
   

1. No, this does not make it right for a child to expect/demand whatever they want from their parents at any given time.
   

Note I'm talking about adult kids here, under 18s are different and have a right to expect certain things of their parents.

You do have an entitlement complex, you will find your life less stressful if you get rid of it.

[Goldenbear]

By all accounts it doesn't sound like they were very loving parents to the OP when she was a child. To me she sounds like someone who is desperate for some love off them and rightly comparing her treatment by her father with that of her brothers. I don't know anyone who would be able to accept their sibling being favoured by a parent and be acceptant of that. I don't believe people if they say they're happy to accept such favouritism.

She sounds like she was hoping her Father would show some goodwill rather than she expected anything. Instead, he is vile to her.

[zwischenzug]

My parents have very much financially favoured one of my older siblings - whilst I'm not happy about it at all and it has damaged our relationship, demanding handouts to the same value is not a constructive course of action. You can "accept" favouritism without being happy about it.

Ultimately for my parents it will mean if they need support in their old age, if they ask me then I'll tell them who they need to go to because it ain't coming from me.

[beautyfades]

YANBU

[Goldenbear]

I disagree- it is more constructive to tell them why you're upset about that given scenario then let the bitterness eat away at you, to the point of Irrevocably damaging your relationship with your parents!

[MummytoKatie]

The thing is that by not paying the loan (which the Op is rather minimising by saying "why can't he give us just one month's grace") she is putting her dad in a difficult position.

The bank isn't going to give him "grace" so he can either default - thus ruining his own credit score or go without something and pay it himself. It may be that what he has to go without is just using tesco's finest champers to fill his bath rather than bolly or it may be that he is going to struggle to eat or heat. And Op doesn't know which it is.

[zwischenzug]

I get where you are coming from but my view is that the damage is already done and any attempt to make up for it would be rather fake and contrived. Having parents who only treat you equally because you told them too doesn't really appeal to me as being any better than having that underlying resentment that your other sibling(s) are treated better.

[chickydoo]

You are an adult, why do you expect your parents to help you still.
Grow up!

[Goldenbear]

chickydoo, quite a few posters have explained that receiving support from YOUR FAMILY is not an idea out of leftfield. A revelation for you- even adults sometimes help each other out, it is called being kind!

[DeskPlanner]

I'm sorry if anything I said caused you upset , that wasn't my intention. I don't know what its like to be in your position with regards to looking after your son. So I will keep my mouth shut.
I do think YANU about not paying for the car though. Your dad does sound horrible to say that to you. Good Luck with the course. I had friends who got pregnant whilst doing nursing courses, its hard.

[countrykitten]

pigletpower that is a really vile post.

[pigletpower]

I apologise for my previous post,I am ashamed and reported myself.I suppose something hit a personal button.I will hide this thread.

[RoseandVioletCreams]

I think you dad sounds like an extremly nasty peice of work and if my DC want a bloody car I would try my best to help them should they need it - and if they wanted to defer ONE PAYMENT due to unforseen circs I would also allow them, if i could afford, if i couldnt I would try and find a mutual soloution.

A family loan for gods sake that you are paying back and everyones on your back!

Sounds like you have had a tough time with your family, please ignore the other posters, give yourself a big hug!

[cumfy]

Your parents are clearly dysfunctional.
But you are going that way too, a little.

You are not "entitled"; you are getting bogged down in the backbiting, firefighting, he-says-she-says, of it all.

Try and find somewhere to breathe and gain a broader perspective of what is happening and escape the swarm of minutaie that is dominating your life and destabilising your mind.

Having a car is not the problem.
You really need to stand back and try and understand yourself and your situation.