to not be 'available' to my DS?

[MakesCakesWhenStressed]

I'm struggling a bit with an inner conflict and I need a MN jury verdict on whether IABU or not.

Basically I play with DS (14 mo) in the mornings, take him out to a baby group or meet with friends. We have lunch, he has a story, he goes down for a nap, then I get on with housework and work work (WAHM). When he wakes up he plays around me whilst I try and continue housework and/or work work and if he directly approaches me I will respond, but don't actively play with him unless I need a break, then we have a cuddle or a play.

Normally I feel OK about this. I've heard about benign neglect and how children need to learn to be self-entertaining, but recently his naps are all fucked up and he's constantly tired and grizzly and needy because he won;t sleep when he needs to, or he's slept at the wrong time and I still need to get these things done, so I've been sitting on the sofa trying to work and he's just been driving me to distraction trying to get my attention, but I needed to sort a bunch of stuff out before the weekend started.

I feel dreadful that I wasn't available to him, but I didn't have the time or the patience, tbh. I'm so tired and feel really snappy and I resented him for wanting me whilst I had other things I needed to do. And now he's asleep I feel ashamed for ignoring his needs to do work and for shouting at him (that was U I know. I apologised straight away and cuddled him).

AIBU to be getting on with my own thing like this, or should I just save it for when he's actually asleep?

And has anyone got any tips on keeping patience when tired and beset by a very whiny toddler?

Oh, and you do really sound stressed out, which is also not good for DS. You know how moods transfer from mums to babies?! Same with toddlers. Whe winges, you ignore, he winges more, you get stressed and short tempered, he winges more.

Honestly, it is very hard to work at home with a toddler around. I had a fairly compliant little boy (and then a demanding girl) but I wouldn't have expected to concentrate on work with a toddler with me. It wouldn't be fair to anyone.

So what hours does your DH work?

Just been reading your posts and the replies.

It sounds like your DH will have to be your childcare and you can work when he's home to play/amuse/respond to your DS.

Can't he do the bath/bedtime routine a few nights a week to give you a bit of work time? And as someone else suggested he could take him out at weekends to give you free time. Alternatively, maybe he could take him out and give you a chance to catch up on sleep so that you can work later on in the evenings.

I know someone was unsympathetic about you being too tired to work in the evenings, but I can sympathise. I know how it can be impossible to concentrate or focus properly, no matter how hard you try, because you're just too tired, and there's nothing you can do to change that.

OhDearIQuit. Yes. This post is about me. Because I come on mumsnet to talk to other mums about what it's like being a mum because the rest of my life I put my family first, hence why I feel guilty for not entirely subsuming myself in my toddler's play.

As you may have noticed I do not park my toddler in front of the TV, nor does he normally 'whine for hours'. So thanks for your input. It was most enlightening. And yes. Dealing with a baby all night because he wants mummy not daddy, getting up at 5am, spending all day working one way or another does make me tired. If I didn't go to sleep at 9pm latest I think I'd probably end up killing myself and I'm not being hyperbolical there. mental health requires, at the very least, some sleep.

OP in that case you will have to invest in your business by paying for at least a bit of childcare while you get up and running.

Can your OH do more in the morning so that you can go to bed later and have a couple of hours in the evening to work?

So something's got to give, hasn't it?

What I am reading is a lot of pressure to be a bread-winner and your self-esteem being linked to that. Can you reconcile yourself to putting this off for a couple of years?

And your DH needs to deal with him in the night.

And you do need to tell someone how desperate you are feeling. I have been there myself

I don't know your circumstances or the type of business you are trying to set up. But from where I am it just sounds as if everyone is quite stressed out at the moment. Could you not for the next two or three months just do foundation work for your business or even put it on hold for a short time. Because if you are really stressed out this is not productive for you.

But if you don't want to do that. Try and think of some options. Like say offering to have another Mum's child for a few hours and she could have yours. Say a couple of morning or afternoon sessions a week. I'm sorry you are stressed out. Young toddlers are demanding and there's no point in making yourself ill over this.

I do work in the afternoon while 2year old and sometimes 6 month old, just chill in front room. I am lucky though, both are very self sufficient, I don't know if they just are or if they have to b as I have other things to do?

I an only get away with 1.5-2 hurs, then it's baking and getting tea ready,

The opportunity for this work is now. If I don;t take it now, I miss it.

And my self-esteem is tied up in being a functioning productive adult. I've spent nearly my whole adult life being looked after due to ill-health, I recovered in 2009, but have no employment history, am basically unemployable and I want to set my son the model of a self-sufficient working adult.

He's just woken up from his nap and is back to his lovely little self now. I don;t even know why I started this thread. I'm just struggling today.

And DH is out 8-6 in the week, plus 7am - 1 hour after sunset on one weekend day each week doing extra work that we need him to do because we need the money.

I've invested what we can afford in the business which is basically some marketing material. Normally we get by fine, but this week has been hard

OP,
I did not say that you do park your child in front of the TV. I said it's not a good alternative to decent childcare.

If you read my post properly, you will notice that I did indeed give you some ideas on how to sort your problems. Involving your DH!

I understand being tired. I have been awake every 1.5 hours at night for the last 14 months! I study and work! I am shattered! I still have a responsibility towards my DD as I decided to have her and am trying to combine looking after her with work and study. Totally my choice and therefore my problem to solve.

Your further posts really just sound like you can't cope, which indicates that things have to change, for your sake and your DS's. Since you cannot change the developmental stage he's at, you need to change your plan, make different arrangements. And let me stress again that if you can't afford childcare, your solution will have to be DH. Unless of course he works away at weekends.

I'm slightly afraid to post as you do seem to be jumping on anybody who says anything you don't agree with. But...

I work from home and have minimal child care. I have an almost 3 year old and a just 1 year old. I have times when eldest is at playgroup and times when youngest is napping. But I always have either one or the other (or both) to deal with.

I manage to do odd emails and phone calls in the day. But no way could I do proper work (in my case, reviewing documents, drafting things) while in charge of either of my children.

The bulk of my work is done when the girls are in bed. Which is very tiring. But my long term plan is to get childcare sorted in a couple of months once things are more consistent. For now I'm accepting it's just tough and I will be exhausted in the short term.

So, I think you just have to bite the bullet and do some late nights in the short term until things take off (do you know how quickly that's likely to happen?).

If you can't do evening work then I'm afraid I don't think it's viable for you to do your work. Just my opinion.

OP

I can see where the pressure comes from then.

sorry posted to soon

You can set your son a good example - you've got years to do that. Right now your emotional health and its impact on your DS is the priority

Hi OP. I noticed that you wrote off the idea of doing a childcare swap with a frined because some are FT SAHM but that doesn't mean they wouldn't want to do a childcare swap. I was a FT Sahm but still had jobs to do that could never manage with a toddler in tow e.g sorting out family finances/ decorating etc.

I had such an arrangment with a friend and it was bliss to just know that I had a few uninterrupted hours each week to devote to cerebral tasks. Even if it did mean a few hours of chaos while I looked after 2 14mos at a time.

There's only so much work that can be done after working hours. I do it. Everthing else needs the working world to be, well, working.

I think I'm suffering from a bad case of Friday-itis trying to get everything done before everyone buggers off for the weekend. Having DS finally sleep has helped a lot. We're having a cuddle now.

Yes, I used to work when the children were in bed,too. Luckily they both went down at 6pm.

Childcare swaps are definitely a good plan and I did these as well when I just had my son. Bought me a couple of free hours every week.

It must be really hard trying to work with a toddler in the house. Could you afford half day child care a couple of times a week or can a family member help while you get some stuff done?

agnes helpful thought. I'll talk to some of my SAHM friends then. Thank you

I also gave my career up to look after our kids (I was a mental health nurse)

To be honest I think a lot of mums have to make the decision between full time SAHM or working just to cover the childcare (or sometimes not even making enough to cover childcare!) with the hope that long-term the benefits of keeping your career going will be worth it.

But trying to work from home (actual proper work, not just the odd email) with a toddler in tow is pretty untenable and not fair on anyone- you, DS or your clients.

I do freelance work from home and only work when DS is asleep. It wouldn't be fair on him or the clients to try and do otherwise. Toddlers need attention and interaction. Fortunately he has a long nap in the afternoon and then occasionally I also work after he goes to sleep in the evening. How many hours a week do you need to work? Could you take a break for a few weeks while he transitions to one nap? When that is sorted you should have a good chunk of time in the day to work.

Don't use napping time to do housework as that is easier to do when toddlers are around (although I don't find it as easy as all the people on MN who say he'll just help! I don't find a toddler loading the dishwasher makes things much easier...)

Don't be too hard on yourself. Firstly childcare is work - if he was in nursery, the nursery staff would either be caring for the children or doing food prep or clearing up related to the care of the children. They wouldn't be leaving toddlers to entertain themselves while they cleaned the oven.

With naps - DS is perhaps ready to drop morning nap and have a long after-lunch nap. I'd try skipping mid morning nap, having an early lunch for a few days and then putting him down for a sleep. Quiet time in his room is a good idea even if he doesn't actually sleep.

In the time that he is asleep, do work work rather than housework. Housework can be fitted in around him while he is awake, or maybe squeezed in when DH is looking after him. A bit of tv is fine, I think cbeebies is pretty good as children's entertainment goes.

longer term, do you have his name down for a free nursery place ?