to not be 'available' to my DS?

[MakesCakesWhenStressed]

I'm struggling a bit with an inner conflict and I need a MN jury verdict on whether IABU or not.

Basically I play with DS (14 mo) in the mornings, take him out to a baby group or meet with friends. We have lunch, he has a story, he goes down for a nap, then I get on with housework and work work (WAHM). When he wakes up he plays around me whilst I try and continue housework and/or work work and if he directly approaches me I will respond, but don't actively play with him unless I need a break, then we have a cuddle or a play.

Normally I feel OK about this. I've heard about benign neglect and how children need to learn to be self-entertaining, but recently his naps are all fucked up and he's constantly tired and grizzly and needy because he won;t sleep when he needs to, or he's slept at the wrong time and I still need to get these things done, so I've been sitting on the sofa trying to work and he's just been driving me to distraction trying to get my attention, but I needed to sort a bunch of stuff out before the weekend started.

I feel dreadful that I wasn't available to him, but I didn't have the time or the patience, tbh. I'm so tired and feel really snappy and I resented him for wanting me whilst I had other things I needed to do. And now he's asleep I feel ashamed for ignoring his needs to do work and for shouting at him (that was U I know. I apologised straight away and cuddled him).

AIBU to be getting on with my own thing like this, or should I just save it for when he's actually asleep?

And has anyone got any tips on keeping patience when tired and beset by a very whiny toddler?

That is a good idea wisemanscamel, unfortunately all the mums I know are either ft SAHM or have jobs that wouldn't make this possible (yoga-teacher, nanny, etc.)

OP, I just wanted to sympathise really. When they are tired and ratty like that while they adjust to naps, there really is nothing to be done apart from put the telly on, I think. They do grow out of it eventually.

I don't know why you're yelling at people and why does being a SAHM mean more housework?

I freelance. I could never do anything with my son around.

Find a way to afford childcare or only work at night if he won't nap in the day.

Ah. Do you think you could work at night or very early morning?

I just don't think you can expect a toddler to occupy themselves for as long as you need to work.

Toddler starts his day at 5am. I don't think I could face getting up before that to work and I generally need to be in bed by 8/9pm myself to get enough sleep. Doesn't leave much time for working.

I just feel like I'm flunking everything at the moment.

You poor thing. I remember the early mornings well - horrible.

No one can properly work when they have a small child to look after as you can't concentrate properly on either.

No one can fix this for you, its just the way it is.

Either start doing your "work work" in the evenings and get your OH to get up with DS at 5am so you don't have to go to bed so early all of the time, or rethink what you can do.

Don't know if this would work if he's really ratty, but what about taking him to a soft play centre (the ones near me have fenced in sections for the really little'uns so they can't escape.) - take earphones to muffle the general racket and your laptop for work and sit facing him, so he can see you but can get on with throwing the balls around and going down the slide etc etc. Loads of mums do this with the kindle.

What worked for us when DS was at this stage was to totally overdo it with cuddles and attention and lots of playing down on their level.

Spend as much of the next few mornings really going overboard with it, it'll reassure and he won't be so clingy in the afternoon. It sounds counterintuitive, but it really does work

That's a great idea but he doesn't like soft play! (contrary little bugger)

Oh, and I'm sorry for shouting at whoever it was I shouted at earlier. Like I said - very tired, short temper.

And I'd love to let DH get up with DS, he does, most days, but it'd not always easy to sleep through a 14 mo old playing with his daddy. Oh well, at least the giggles and screeches of glee are nicer to wake up to than crying.

I don't understand how anyone can attempt to work from home with a toddler. They do need attention. Your ds sounds like a perfectly normal 14mo, they are demanding and require supervision and interaction.

You would be better off having proper child care In place where your son would receive the attention he needs and you can get on with your work uninterrupted.

I just wouldn't be able to do anything which requires concentration with a toddler around. in fact I found I could do very little at all with a toddler around. even with benign neglect.

I think they are this way because they need a lot of looking after and interaction at this age. I think you need to find a way to afford childcare, as they carry on like this for quite a while...................

What is certainly obvious is that you can't get ratty with him for something he can't do anything about.

You need to invest some time in sorting his sleep out. Most 14 month olds will be getting up about 7 and going down straight after lunch for 1.5 - 2 hours, then bed 12 hours after they got up. Google how to get him into a predictable pattern. Every few months they go through annoying periods when they adjust to a new pattern. I would say a morning sleep is unusual at this age and is going to mess up his lunch nap, and make him too tired to have a decent night time sleep.

Some children need more sleep than others but daytime naps are only going to reduce from now on.

If he is playing happily I see no harm in 'ignoring', if he is whinging you need to deal with him IMO.

Presumably if you have only earnt £20 so far you don't have much work in volume? Maybe 1 or 2 mornings a week of childcare so you can really get your head down on it and then do the rest in the evenings?

When work starts picking up then you could increase the childcare hours.

OP I sympathise - but it is going to be hard going for the next year or so. 14mnths - 2 years is the most demanding phase IME, because they need to be amused but often need help to achieve what they want.

What you need is a mother's help - someone who can come to your house for 3 hours in the afternoon and entertain your DS while you get on with your work, if it is financially viable.

Note: I suggest mornings because maybe in the new surroundings he wouldn't take a morning nap and you would get more done in the afternoon too. My afternoons are much more productive on nursery days because DS comes in, has a feed and is out in his cot for hours after the excitement of nursery.

I know you said he was ratty without it but it sounds like he might need to lose the morning nap. It's a transition though so expect grumpiness for a wee bit until he adjusts. Then you will get afternoons for a wee bit longer hopefully.... It may also encourage a later waking time if he sleeps less during the day.
Good luck! Toddlers are so demanding, it's hard but will over before you know it. (or so I've been told )

ps I am not unsympathetic, whinging and clinging for no good reason does my head in too.

I think you are expecting too much from yourself. You can't possibly take care of a small child and at the same time work from home. Unless perhaps if they happen to have a sleep. You need to think about either doing your work in the early morning or very late evening or else getting some childcare.

We have done this. It's not everyday though as a combination of them coming to work out the house with me, dh working 4 days, nursery etc...
But basically we either have nursery in the morning 8-12, then home lunch and they nap until 3pm then 3-5/6pm they play amongst themselves mainly whilst either dh or myself work from home. On another day we spend the morning with them swimming/ park/ playing etc then lunch and nap until 3pm and they play again in the afternoon alone.

Have two toddlers though so someone to play with.

With our combinations we only have to pay fr childcare one full day and two half days. Is there any way you could afford something like this? For example dh works 3 long days (7am-9pm), then does a day of working at home ( kids in nursery 4hrs in am), works 2 hrs when asleep ( so 6 hrs child free), then 2 hrs with them awake. Has 1 weekday off as all hours compressed. I work the reverse hours almost

Once naps sorted again maybe you can get into a routine of when to work

Say every day 2hrs 1-3pm when asleep
Then 7pm-11pm
( so 6 hrs child free) if that's every day that's 42hrs of basically free working without the need for childcare

Any extra like emails/ stuff you can do with him around is a bonus between say 3-5pm

I wrote a similar post yesterday, because I left DD to play by herself for the afternoon, having to catch up with uni work. People told me it was ok as an occasional thing and I agree but for you, this seems to be a regular occurance.

I need to say, there is an awful lot of "I" in your posts. You can't work after DS's bedtime because you're tired. I'm sorry! I'm tired too but that's motherhood.

You can't park a 14 months old in front of the TV every afternoon. It's really bad for their brain. As is whining for hours for their mum and not getting a reaction. I can't be bothered to elaborate, do the research if you're so inclined but maybe you don't care about things like that. A lot of parents don't.

I think something has to give. If you want to set up a business for yourself, you need to do that when DS is asleep or busy otherwise.

If you decide to be a SAHM, no way would your whole day be filled with housework. Plus housework doesn't need that much concentration, can be done in shorter burts and with the "help" of a toddler. It's so different from work work.

How about you sit down with your DH and explain how things are for you. Maybe you can draw up a plan, timetable. Presumably DH is at home at the weekends? So you can have them totally for your work and he takes care of DS and the home.

Your situation is really not going to work longterm!

He did have very predictable routines, but like I said, he's at the age to drop his morning nap and it's not going so well. That, bad nights and a sore bum suggests teeth might be involved too.

Unfortunately the work is not of the 'work X amount for X pay' sort. It's more 'Get it up and running so that you have something you can get people to pay to use, then you can cut back the amount of work, but still have money coming in' type, if that makes sense. Cutting back on the amount of work I do now means it will take even longer to start earning, or might not take off at all. I enjoy the work, it's interesting and challenging and has a lot of potential, but it's in early stages.

I can't afford to WOH as any job I'm qualified to do will not even cover childcare and if I become full time SAHM then this will never improve and I can't imagine it will improve my self-esteem

I think you are asking too much of yourself and your toddler. You have my sympathies, I work part time but do a decent chunk of it from home, it worked brilliantly when he was younger and had big naps. These days though I just have to work late in to the night and accept I won't have any 'me time' at all. I don't think its possible to do a very good job of work or childcare if you try and combine them. Its not really fair on your son or your attempts to build up a business.