To find it annoying when people tell me I'm lucky to have well behaved children?

[alisunshine29]

My eldest is 5.5 years old and youngest has just turned 9 months. Today we walked to school then I took youngest DD to a baby/music group. On the way to school we saw eldest DDs mum drive past, DDs friend was hitting her mum while she was driving and she was struggling to fend her off. We caught up with them at the car park and the mum was talking to her child as though it had never happened (I wasn't mistaken - they'd stopped in traffic so could clearly see) and 2 mins later her daughter started having a tantrum about taking a toy to school and slapped her 2 year old brother in anger. The mum barely reacted and in the end let her take it and left it for the teacher to take away and deal with the consequences. Younger brother was trying to climb out of pushchair so mum passed him her iPhone with a tv show on to keep him still and he threw it in the road! Mum just smacked him and retrieved it. After the eldest children had gone in to school, she excused her daughters behaviour by saying that she's tired because she went to sleep fifteen mins late last night and had to walk from the car park - it's about 300 metres!! She asked where I was parked and I said I'd walked from home, she was amazed as its almost two miles away. She then commented on how lucky I am elder DD is so well behaved and can cope with the walk.
At baby group, it was chaos as they have organised music activities where parents and kids sit in a circle and do actions etc. The leader specifically asked children are not allowed to run riot like last week, when some damage to the building was caused and pointed out a separate room where those not wanting to join in could go for a chat and cup of tea. Still, mums let their babies crawl/toddle everywhere, older toddlers were running around and pulling notices off the wall leaving pins on the floor etc. Their mums either ignored them or tried to pin them still on their lap. Again, a mum commented that I'm lucky that my daughter is well behaved.
Of course my youngest is only tiny and has no rules as such, but if she wasn't interested in the music group I'd have gone in the other room and kept her happy/occupied. I'm quite strict and very consistent with my eldest DD hence the reason I believe her to be well behaved - it is not luck. Special needs excluding, I think it is inexcusable for a child to hit a parent like DDs friend was this morning - particularly while she's driving, it's dangerous for everyone. To not do anything about it I believe is the mum neglecting her duty to her daughter. Her DD was going crazy in the school foyer about the teacher trying to remove her toy and her mum just shrugged and left them to it like its normal. AIBU to be annoyed when people say I'm lucky to have well behaved children?

Worra, I'd offer to ghost write it but I'm helping Katie with hers.

Like scented I was a very well behaved child, my parents were pretty strict. Once teenage hit I loved nothing more than smoking, drinking, shagging around and getting high. The rebellion is most fun.
To be fair though OP, I don't like seeing badly behaved children either and I'm also fairly strict with my own. However I'm definitely prepared for those times ahead and would hate to eat humble pie in 10 yrs time.

Oh, dear. I have a friend with a similar outlook. He never stops congratulating himself and his wife on what amazing parents they are. I completely agree that his two children are absolutely wonderful. They really are thoroughly delightful children. But it is also abundantly clear that they were born with very easy, sunny temperaments. The older one is 8, and the little one is only 16 months. My friend says the only reason they are well behaved is their upbringing. And frankly, that is nonsense with a capital non.

Of course the way one chooses to approach parenthood, discipline, etc. has an effect on children's behavior. But to take all the credit for having a well-behaved child and discounting the luck of the draw? Very unreasonable indeed.

I'm confused. If you saw the child acting out through a car window, how do you know her Mum hasn't already disciplined her before they stopped? In which case, it's quite normal to get out the car normally as its already been dealt with.

Fwiw, the worst behaved toddler I ever met has grown into the most amazing young man, who starts at Oxford in September! You're barely out of the parenting starting gates!!

Yup it's possibly a combination of luck + having had positive role models / good parents + the personality of both parent & child, how well you deal with stress, the parent & child's health, etc etc... So many factors!

So, you're a bit smug IMO.

Are you saying that all people with less than well behaved children have brought it upon themselves?

Another one here with one heedless demon and one well-behaved child.

Over the years I've come to realise that while the bolshy one is harder to deal with at the time, the well-behaved one is desperately, permanently anxious not to put a foot wrong. Now that worries me.

I don't think you're being smug.
I get what you mean. It's weird how many people don't acknowledge their DC's bad behaviour.

I however have a real handful in DS and constantly have to pull him up on serious offences. It doesn't mean he's suddenly developed a placid nature and has become Perfect Peter sadly.
If you have naturally well behaved DC, you can never appreciate the nightmare of having to constantly tell your kids to behave or there will be consequences etc.
So you are maybe being slightly Unreasonable.
But I'm with you on not ignoring bad behaviour, I've seen so many parents stand there and ignore absolute brutality from their DC towards others and I've never understood why it'a acceptable to just leave them to it.

There's more to it than parenting.

People always commented on dd1. She would sit through things like weddings at 1yo. Flap book, pack of stickers and a pack of raisins and she'd happily stay silent next to me for up to 2 hours.
I knew and still do that I can take her anywhere and the worst thing she does is get pedantic (so if I say an hour ago, she might say "no, mum it was 70 minutes ago") which is irritating at times, but that's the worst.

Dd2 wasn't too bad, but ds likes to push the lines.

I say about them: If I said "there is a line, don't cross it"
Dd1 would not go near the line in case she accidently touched it.
Dd2 would go right up to the line, then try and persuade me to let her cross it.
Ds would take the line at a run to see how far he can get over it before he's stopped.

I also know that ds will use his brain to try and find a loop hole to exploit. Maybe he's going to be a lawyer. He also likes to test things. So if I say "don't do this because that will happen" he likes to see for himself, whereas dd1 and dd2 would happily take my word for it.

I didn't notice who the op was when I put down my thoughts.

op you need to stop worrying about others.

You sound like you work very hard, with very little validation from others.

Wrapping it in to a question here in AIBU? is a waste of time.

Try and meet RL mums , get an idea of what happens in other homes perhaps? :)

I'm actually kind of worried about the OP.

Her threads are obviously ways of seeking validation, given her current situation, but they usually end with her getting completely flamed. Yet she keeps posting the same kind of thing over and over, it's very masochistic.

Really OP: step away from AIBU and try to sort out your situation. You're not going to get what you need here.

I don't think you're being completely U (I had thought of starting a similar thread following a visit to a friend whose children run completely amok and she does little to stop them) but I don't think I would have worded my OP quite as you have done...

Agree a bit smug as I have erm 1 of each shall we say. I love dewe's description that is so right!

The leader specifically asked children are not allowed to run riot like last week, when some damage to the building was caused

She must have a point - if these other toddlers are going round damaging buildings - wow!

I noticed that too dreaming. Lots going on with this OP....

I had a friend like this. Mine argued and whined all the way to school.....hitting each other, moaning, running off - while hers walked beautifully holding hands.

5 years on mine walk sensibly chatting nicely and politely while her 2 snipe at each other, push and shove and whine all the way home.

tis brill as she was always a bit smug and now I can make the 'oh dear' comments

Okay-op, suppose you take the thing in your life that you feel very sensitive about, try and work really hard on but actually can't seem to make progress on and then imagine people actually saying that its your fault for not doing things differently that things aren't going so well. You might then feel a bit irked when someone took huge amounts of credit for their success in the same area.
Of course you've worked hard to get your older dd to behave well. But there is a kind of luck involved in finding the right advice or falling upon the right strategies to help your individual child behave well. Or having had the right background to enable what comes naturally to be grlpful in getting your children to behave well. There are so many things that can derail the most committed parents in their quest to get their children to behave well. Not least the feeling that people are looking at them and judging them for doing well.

So I don't like the tone of your op. You might feel a bit more humble about the stars that have collided to provide the conditions for your success.

I actually get your point OP but unfortunately the way in which you have chosen to word your message is what has upset everyone. Is it unreasonable to expect parents to discipline children appropriately? Answer - no of course not. As with many things however, it is never that simple. For example - My DD had a meltdown in the shopping centre the other day when I pulled her out of the way of a mobility scooter. There was no time to 'reason' with her before I did it. So she had a tantrum. I couldn't deal with it there and then, I had my baby son with me who was due a feed, so I chose to talk to her about it at home. To the outsider it might look like I was choosing not to discipline her. You are free to judge as you like. Just remember, one day it might be you.

AIBU threads are very similar lately.
OP: whatever question/scenario/event aibu?
Replies: yes you are bu
OP: no no I'm not cause of xyz
Replies: you are still bu
OP: no you are all wrong you must be terrible parents/bitches/perfect

It is ^really^ hard working bringing up kids to behave right. However, there's a HUGE element of luck.

My first dd was easy. Always pretty well behaved. Now at 8, she still is (although I'm waiting for payback with the teenage years)

My ds however is completely different. I've brought them in the same way, same rules. He just runs off, climbs things he shouldn't, ignores me, is pretty mean to his sister etc. I've had to implement all sorts of things with him that I never even thought of with dd. He's 5 now, and getting moderately better but I still need to be on my guard.

So yes. I think YABU. Parents need to put in the work, but you don't know what's going on underneath it all.

You sound extraordinarily smug though. I'd like to hear back from you in 5 years time to see how you've gone.

My two are well behaved and yes, I agree some of it is luck.

However, there is such a thing as too well behaved. I've seen a girl at DS's primary school, and she's acting quite normally when around the other children. When her mum appears it's like she's been switched off, she seems almost scared to put a foot wrong. I'm not sure what's going on, but the vibes don't feel right there.

The op sounds smug as you belittle other parents and suggest that it is your good parenting and their poor parenting that is the reason for your dc good behaviour/the perceived (by yourself) bad behaviour of the other dc.

For example my dc hates singing circles - so when that 10 mins happens at a baby group he does potter and I keep an eye on him - if he started misbehaving I would discipline him. However - there is no point trying to keep him in the singing circle - at 2yrs and 1 mth there is no reasoning with him and he hates it. But he is generally well behaved - walks holding hands, stops when I say no (most of the time), comes up willingly to bed when I tell him, eats dinner beautifully and is always praised by others for his behaviour out and about. Lucky :)

He is rubbish at sleeping though - again pot luck.

You are lucky in some aspects I'm sure - it is a big mixture of luck and parenting.

My cousin had twins. They were raised in exactly the same way, same rules, same everything. One is doing very well in a public role and the other is a recovering alcoholic who went completely off the rails.

Sometimes it's nature, not nurture.

Don't judge a stressed out mother in a snapshot.
YABU.

OP I had pretty well behaved DDs too and I was strict with them. They were regularly appalled by the behaviour of their peers when they were at infants and juniors. I was gob-smacked at the number of mothers who seemed to think their kids could use them as punch-bags too.

I think it's mixture of luck and parenting though as there are some conditions that cause children to behave challengingly. However I have seen many instances over the years of children just kicking off because there were no (or totally ineffectual) boundaries.