Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if people judge single mums for not working?

776 replies

PigsCanSoar · 14/03/2013 22:56

I have a 11 m/o, and am a 22 year old single mum. I have handed in my notice to work now, as I don't feel he is ready to be left yet. He has always been very clingy, he will happily go off and play with anyone if I am there, but as soon as I leave the room he will just cry and cry.
He is also still breastfeeding every 2-3 hours, and ideally I would like to let him self wean up until 2.

I have no doubts about this being best for DS, and am planning to stay with him until 2 then look for a job again, but I just feel a bit anxious about actually telling people this, as since he was born it seems to have been constant "so when are you going back to work then" off everyone.

I am very lucky to be back living with my mum, so money isn't much of an issue as this will just postpone moving out for a bit.
So there's no necessity to leave him before he's ready, but I just feel like I'll look "lazy" for not going back yet.

OP posts:
mrsjay · 15/03/2013 08:49

never, you are doing what you feel is best for your son nobody has any right to judge you ,

scottishmummy · 15/03/2013 08:50

Looking after a baby is set of demanding tasks,it isn't a job.it is economic inactivity
A job is financial remuneration in return for labour.watching your own kid isn't job

hamdangle · 15/03/2013 08:55

I went to work very soon after my baby was born when I was 17 and I was breastfeeding too. I was on an office training scheme so got £50 a week which was topped up by income support. I didn't feel guilty about claiming benefits because I knew I was working my way out of the system. There were lots of times that I was financially better off not working but I would never have stopped.

When I wanted a better job I went back into education but I still worked as well. As a single mother in uni there was £3000 a year, that I wouldn't have to pay back, that I didn't claim because I would rather work and pay my own way.

I would have liked to have spent more time with DS1 when he was a baby but that is only because I would have liked it. He is 16 now and certainly hasn't been affected by me working. Your child is always going to want you there rather than a childminder so how do you know that you'll want to go back when he's two? If anything I found it harder the older he got because of all the fun stuff you miss out on doing together.

I dont think it costs the government more for you to work either. If you are working dont you get tax credits which is like getting your tax back? If you are just on benefits you are just getting money without contributing anything so obviously costs the government more.

EasilyBored · 15/03/2013 08:56

I wouldn't judge you but I would be concerned that you hadn't thought about the big picture. It might be costly to work when your cold is a baby but it protects your income and your earning potential.

I don't think it's about the cost of benefits, or even the idea that done I have yo work it's not fair if someone else doesn't. It's more that by deliberately not working you are increasing your chances of ending up in a situation where you might not be able to find work in the future. You might end up claiming far more avoidable benefits in the long term. However, working in childcare I think you might not have that concern.

I'm going to be honest and say that if you had phrased it to me that you gave up work (and had to rely on state help because of that) because your child is clingy and you feel bad at leaving him, I would feel a bit huffy and cross. I actually think a separation anxiety gets worse as they get older, and that if it's always been part of their routine they adapt better. But I could be wrong, just seems like all my friend who have started using childcare before a year have had a much easier time than those who have waited and are putting a toddler in childcare.

DuPainDuVinDuFromage · 15/03/2013 08:59

Astonished at some of these posts! I definitely wouldn't judge you, but think you should bear in mind the comments about it being difficult to get back into work and there not being much of a safety net. As you work in childcare, would it be an option to become a registered childminder and look after other kids as well as your ds? That way you get the best of both worlds!

HerrenaHarridan · 15/03/2013 09:04

Yep,

but they judge you for every damn thing you do so I wouldn't let it rule your life!

eavesdropping · 15/03/2013 09:05

FasterStronger - a lot of families can fund it themselves through one parent working. For those on low incomes / single parents I do believe it should be subsidised by the government. As for how - well, that's a whole different thread. (Personally I would start with raising taxes for the richest and clamping down on corporate tax avoidance.)

scottishmummy - semantics. A job doesn't have to be paid. Think "voluntary job" or "odd jobs around the house". Looking after a child at home IS a job.

LittleChickpea · 15/03/2013 09:10

Eaves Some of the views on this thread are frankly ridiculous. Looking after an 11 month old baby isn't a LUXURY. It's a job,

Why are some of the views ridiculous? If its a job, who are they working for? Are you saying they are working for the tax payer? Having a child is a parents choice and therefore the parents responsibility for all the child's needs including financial security. If the parent then chooses to leave perfectly secure employment and go onto benefits then they should not be surprised when they are judged by those paying for them.

Benefits do not equal entitlement because you choose to take a bit of time out to do something else (be it child rearing, traveling, watching Jeremy Kyle etc.) Benefits are a safety net for those that find themselves in the most need out of no choice of their own. By the way in no way am I saying brining up a child is easy but if people choose to do it then they should be in a position to pay for their own children.

JakeBullet · 15/03/2013 09:10

I am a single parent and I choose to live off benefits.

Why?

My son is autistic and needs lots of my time ....in work I was exhausted all the time and making mistakes.

I do feel judged .....and I feel guilty every time for example I claim free prescriptions or dental care. This is because as a society we now judge people without knowing anything about their lives or circumstances.

Before I gave up work ...which was decision that took me 18 months to make....I researched the likely income (less than I earned in work rightly so) and whether I would face sanctions. I also posted on here for advice and the responses were interesting.....one mentioned "the taxpayer who will pick up your tab", others that "you will get nothing if you just give up work" (not true as even the DWP could see I was in an impossible situation). Many others though were supportive....
I have worked for the past 30 years so have more than contributed and will do so again once I am able. In the meantime I find other ways of giving something back. I volunteer as a Parent Supporter to help families who are struggling. I help people access literacy and Maths courses....it's only 4-5 sessions a month but keeps me feeling I am doing something. Perhaps some voluntary work might help you to keep your hand in the job market and have something to add to a CV. All important stuff for when you do return to work.

It's got to be up to you though, only you know your circumstances...not anyone else and certainly not on an Internet forum Wink.

Hope that helps

jellybeans · 15/03/2013 09:11

You won't need to work also until DC is 5 when you change to JSA. Ignore those who resent that they don't have the choice so don't want you to have it-selfish they should be looking at ways so all can have the choice (after all studies show most mums of small DC want to SAH/work p/t) . If you feel being home is best for DC then do it! You could always retrain or home study/OU until he is 5 when you will be pushed towards work. In my eyes just because our system is set up this way it doesn't mean it is right. It is perfectly normal for a mother to want to be with her small child! It just seems taboo to say it these days due to obsessions with a narrow view of 'gender equality' . Many believe motherhood is a vocation (and SAHD also fit into this). Leaving a child in nursery is tough, I did it with DC1 as was sucked into the current popular thinking. Have SAH with other 4 and would have done so even if ended up single (till school age). It means everything to me.

adeucalione · 15/03/2013 09:13

I'm really surprised at the number of comments saying that anyone who wants to be a SAHP should have that choice, funded by the taxpayer if they have no other means of supporting themselves. That is ludicrously entitled, economically unrealistic and, frankly, makes me think that the Tories might have a point (and it irks me to admit that).

willyoulistentome · 15/03/2013 09:16

You sound great - stick to your guns. I would never judge someone for doing what they think is right for their child. Your Mum sounds lovely too - helping your out!

eavesdropping · 15/03/2013 09:17

LittleChickpea Please don't equate choosing to be a SAHP with wanting to travel or watch Jeremy Kyle. It's not taking a "bit of time out to do something else" as you put it, it's looking after your child FFS! Just because you put little value on that and see it on the same level as watching daytime TV, doesn't mean that it isn't a valid choice and shouldn't be supported (yes, financially, by society if there isn't a working partner to do it)

I very much doubt that the OP chose to be a single parent by the age of 22, so this situation wouldn't have been her intention when she had her child. The only person I would judge is the absent father, obviously not contributing.

FasterStronger · 15/03/2013 09:18

eves raising taxes for the richest who do you think pays for the welfare state? its the highest earners!

clamping down on corporate tax avoidance. if this was easy don't you think a govt would have done this before? we allow foreign registered companies to trade with the UK. so they make sure their profits are created in low tax countries.

iwantanafternoonnap · 15/03/2013 09:20

You get judged no matter what. I work full-time doing three 12.5 hour shifts a week 1 day and 2 nights. My mum has my DS on tuesday and from wednesday night until Friday morning...I get judged 'oh that's a long time to leave him' erm no he is sleeping for most of it and gets some quality fun time with nanny who isn't knackered like me. Plus I have 5 days where I am with him so much more than if I was 9-5. Me working keeps us in our lovely home.

I get judged for working you'll get judge for not working. Screw everyone else and do what is right for your little family.

SpringlingSpaniel · 15/03/2013 09:22

I wouldn't consider your single parent status to be relevant.

If you are in the luxurious position to be able to afford to give up work and stay at home with your child, then I wouldn't judge that. Most people aren't in that situation, most people need to work to support their family, but if you don't need to, great.

However I would question whether it was the best decision for you in terms of getting back to work later and if I knew you, would advise you to consider setting up as a childminder or looking for a job as a nanny where you can take your child with you to work rather than giving up altogether.

adeucalione · 15/03/2013 09:22

I wouldn't judge anyone for wanting to stay at home with their child but if you can't afford to do it, you can't afford to do it.

iwantanafternoonnap · 15/03/2013 09:24

Mind you I do think that if you can work then you should try.

LittleChickpea · 15/03/2013 09:26

Eaves if you re-read my comment you will see I wasn't comparing it. You still haven't answered my questions though... Why are some of the views ridiculous? If its a job, who are they working for? Are you saying they are working for the tax payer?

Also Personally I would start with raising taxes for the richest and clamping down on corporate tax avoidance. so how do you propose they gov does this? How much tax should people pay and how would you propose they band it in terms of salary? How much is corporation tax now and what should it go to and how would you crack down on it?

expatinscotland · 15/03/2013 09:26

K, so you are quitting to go on benefits. Frankly, a very poor idea under this government.

adeucalione · 15/03/2013 09:28

I would be ashamed to ask the state to support me - that's what you do when you're too old or sick to work, or as a short term measure after redundancy, not because you'd like another year off work (wouldn't we all).

DeepRedBetty · 15/03/2013 09:35

The whole socio-economic business model of UK plc is based on a tax and benefit system that would like parents to take the minimum time off and then pass the bulk of working hours childcare onto paid professionals. Which suits some families, but doesn't work for all. I didn't re-enter the workplace until ddtwins started school. I could have put them into nursery or got a childminder or a nanny, but I'd have been earning just enough to pay those people, and not been able to do the things we did spontaneously.

It used every last penny of the Dream Trip Around The World Fund, but I wouldn't have missed it for all the tea in China.

Agree with many others btw - we're damned if we do, damned if we don't, so we might as well do what we think is best.

scottishmummy · 15/03/2013 09:35

Unwaged at home watching your own kids isn't a job,that's fact.not semantics
Job is paid employment,contribute tax and ni. Home with own kids isn't a job
Op has a job she's choosing to give that job up to go on benefits,IMO unwise

SpringlingSpaniel · 15/03/2013 09:41

"The whole socio-economic business model of UK plc is based on a tax and benefit system that would like parents to take the minimum time off and then pass the bulk of working hours childcare onto paid professionals."

I don't see it as the system would like parents to take the minimum time off, more that taxpayers would baulk at being taxed heavily enough to afford to subsidise this choice for anyone who wishes to make it.

jellybeans · 15/03/2013 09:42

'Just because you put little value on that and see it on the same level as watching daytime TV, doesn't mean that it isn't a valid choice and shouldn't be supported (yes, financially, by society if there isn't a working partner to do it) '

eaves totally agree. Just because some people dismiss it as nothing doesn't make it true!