To ask if people judge single mums for not working?

[PigsCanSoar]

I have a 11 m/o, and am a 22 year old single mum. I have handed in my notice to work now, as I don't feel he is ready to be left yet. He has always been very clingy, he will happily go off and play with anyone if I am there, but as soon as I leave the room he will just cry and cry.
He is also still breastfeeding every 2-3 hours, and ideally I would like to let him self wean up until 2.

I have no doubts about this being best for DS, and am planning to stay with him until 2 then look for a job again, but I just feel a bit anxious about actually telling people this, as since he was born it seems to have been constant "so when are you going back to work then" off everyone.

I am very lucky to be back living with my mum, so money isn't much of an issue as this will just postpone moving out for a bit.
So there's no necessity to leave him before he's ready, but I just feel like I'll look "lazy" for not going back yet.

[acceptableinthe80s]

Yes OP people may judge but really who cares. Currently the government will pay income support to those with children under 5, that will probably change to children under 1 soon enough. There is no shame in claiming benefits that the government say you are entitled to.
If you were to work say p/t and put your child in childcare and move into your own place you would actually be costing the 'tax payer' around £1000 more per month in housing benefit/childcare benefits so that kind of defeats the whole 'why should the taxpayer pay for you to stay at home' argument. Single parents in low income jobs DO cost the taxpayer more than SAH single parents and those working single parents probably don't earn enough to pay tax in the first place.
Besides OP you are a taxpayer/have been and will be again, if you want to spend the next year at home with your baby then that is entirely up to you, no one else.

[scottishmummy]

,the NHS,education and social care are currently v squeezed.frozen posts,reduced budgets
Huge fiscal demands,its la-la land to say pay every parent to stay home cause they want to?
Who finances that?the waged who have to work?if you're Unwaged housewife dependent upon male partner,that's not sourced from benefits.but claiming benefit unwaged is paid by tax,ni it's everyone business

[FasterStronger]

if you want to argue the OP should do what's best for her family, you need to apply that across the board, so middle and high earners should look to minimise the taxation they pay at that will be best for their families.

personally I don't think you should just do what right for you & yours. we have society.

[eavesdropping]

LittleChickpea I read your comment the first time and you absolutely were comparing those things. You said:

Benefits do not equal entitlement because you choose to take a bit of time out to do something else (be it child rearing, traveling, watching Jeremy Kyle etc.)

That absolutely is comparing child rearing to watching daytime TV and being incredibly dismissive.

As for calling being a SAHP a job - obviously I don't mean a SAHP is working for anybody, obviously they're not drawing a wage. What I mean is it's not some "luxury" as so many on this thread have called it, you are working looking after your child.

A question to those who have said that they would be ashamed to be a single parent on benefits, or see it as being entitled: Do you claim child benefit? Did you take maternity leave? Did you take advantage of free prescriptions or dental care after your children were born? And if the answer to any of those is yes, do you feel ashamed or entitled? Of course not. Society makes provision for parents - that's why under the current benefits system, you don't have to claim JSA until your child is 5. It is already recognised that one parent should be able to stay at home if they so wish.

[Meglet]

I don't judge .

I'm a single parent who has always worked (except for maternity leave) and believe me it is pretty miserable. My health and sanity are in tatters! And I have a permanent sore throat from yelling at the kids all the time.

And, yes, I cost the ecomony / benefits system / NHS far more (in the thousands) as I had to work than if I had stayed at home.

But maybe it will all be worth it in 15yrs time when hopefully both the kids are at university and I'll be able to work full time, got some OU qualitifications under my belt and have never taken a career break. But from where I am now it's really not much fun juggling it all.

[Meglet]

ugh, I can't even spell today.. economy.

[FasterStronger]

and there are also many schemes that enable individuals and companies to minimise their taxes - but look where that has got us.

if you do what's best for you and yours, without a care for others, people will judge you.

[Mannequinkate]

Almost 25% the children in this country live with single parents, if we all decided to stay at home for a year or so and give up perfectly good jobs please explain who would pay for it?

Your choice is lazy, entitled and short sighted.

This argument about it costing the tax payer more for you to work doesn't wash with me. If you are working you are contributing tax and in, as is your employer. You pay for child care which means another company is also paying tax, is able to employee someone else that can then pay tax and ni and spend money in the economy. The more people working the better off the whole country will be.
Please do not use your perceived cost saving to the taxpayer to justify not providing for your own child.

[scottishmummy]

Eaves i see you concede unwaged at home with kids isn't a job

[eavesdropping]

It's not a paid job scottishmummy, no. I would have thought that was obvious the first time I used the word.

[FairyJen]

I have only ever judged one single mum. That was only because her child was 23 years old and she wouldn't work so she could cook and clean for him and he had someone to come home to

Enjoy time with your baby, you never get it back

[wordfactory]

What's the point in blethering about what scoiety should do or what it should value?

The op has to deal with the here and the now...which means she is intentionally putting herslef at the mercy of this administration. Only someone without any other choice would do that. Or an idiot.

[scottishmummy]

Eaves not obvious what you mean when 0905 you emphasized looking after child IS a job?
Now you're clear it's not a job,are you back tracking?

[LittleChickpea]

I know some on MN don't like my views on this.  But I have been sitting here considering this whole culture of entitlement that we have relating to fully fit people quitting their jobs, fully fit people not working (exclude disability, that's a different issue) and thinking its their right to claim benefits instead.  

This is to everyone that agrees that you should be entitled to just quite your job to be a SAH mum/dad and claim benefits. I am an open minded person and can be swayed by a logical arguments.  Please could someone tell me how you propose the country should pay for this so everyone can have the same opportunity? Also whilst paying for this how do we ensure the NHS is properly funded, pensions are funded because by 2030 there are going to be double the amount of people we have currently over 85, the deficit is resolved and industry can afford to increase wages without placing themselves And their staf at risk?  Please someone give me a logical argument so I can understand this culture of entitlement?  

Eaves I am still very interested in hearing your response to all my questions. If its not a job then why should the tax payer fund a choice to quite your perfectly safe job?

[acceptableinthe80s]

Perhaps if the government were to criminalize non payment of child support and introduce custodial sentences for non payers along with setting child maintenance at a realistic rate (i.e half the true cost of raising a child) then they could greatly reduce the burden on the taxpayer.
As is stands the government do have these powers they just choose not to enforce them.

[sneezingwakesthebaby]

Hmm, I'm a SAHM single mum on benefits and while I work hard looking after dd and get tired etc it is 100% definitely not a job. I would also say staying at home with your child is a luxury because it is a choice a lot of people would love to have and don't have.

[manicinsomniac]

I wouldn't judge but I would wonder how you were going to manage.

I'm a single mum of 2 and have never had a partner so had to put both children in nursery from a couple of months old and go back to work. I don't see any other option really.

As it happens I like working but, if you're a single parent, that's immaterial really isn't it? You simply have to work.

[Wallison]

^^ This argument about it costing the tax payer more for you to work doesn't wash with me.

It's true though. I am a single parent and I work. I get far more in state benefits that I did when I wasn't working. I mean, really a lot more. Yes, I pay tax, but it's nowhere near the amount that I get from the state. There are plenty of other people in my situation as well, and it isn't going to change any time soon. This is because the UK is increasingly becoming a low-wage economy with little or no job security, while at the same time with insanely high costs of living (just look at how much money it takes to provide yourself with a home fgs).

OP, some people will always judge you; after all, you impregnated yourself, didn't you? No other person involved at all.

I think that some people just don't understand that when you are a single parent, you are the only person that your child has. You have to provide for them and also raise them. It's actually impossible to do because you can't be in two places at once, so it's always going to be a bit of a fudge. I see nothing wrong at all with opting out of the paid work for a bit if you think this is in your child's best interests. You won't be there forever.

[scottishmummy]

It's irrelevant whether or not op single mum

[eavesdropping]

scottishmummy I'm not backtracking at all. I believe that it IS a job. Clearly it's not a paid one. You're arguing with me over semantics for the sake of it. As I've already said, the word job can be used in contexts that don't involve paid employment.

LittleChickpea there are various ways the government could save money and divert funds towards benefits. Let's start with Trident, that would save a bob or two.

[catgirl1976]

No wouldn't judge at all

But try to keep your skills current for when you do want to go back to work

[LittleChickpea]

Eaves you still haven't answered any of my questions. How do the gov this? Because at the moment it reads like you are regurgitated newspapers and everything is very superficial with no actual content or depth to it. Please I really want to know your thoughts on all the questions I have put to you. If you don't know then just say "I don't know". That's ok.

[scottishmummy]

Eaves will take more than trident to fund anyone who wants to stay at home
Given fiscal crisis how do you finance statutory demands,health,education
And your wish list of financing parents be at home unwaged cause they want to,it's la la land

[Wallison]

It's not irrelevant, scottishmummy. The OP is the only parent that her son has. Therefore decisions that she makes about working/not working will impact on him in a way that decisions couples make just don't - there's no juggling leave/hours to get less time in childcare, no partner around to pick up the slack when she needs to put in more hours at work, no choosing shifts to fit in with someone else who can look after the child - none of the things that parents who are couples take for granted. And, quite aside from such practical considerations, there is no-one else there to show that child how to live, to filter his responses to the world, to take him on his journey to becoming an independent and functional human being. That the OP is a single parent is entirely relevant to whether or not she decides to work for the next 13 months.

[FasterStronger]

but the OP is not saying she cannot work, she is saying she doesn't want to.