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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if people judge single mums for not working?

776 replies

PigsCanSoar · 14/03/2013 22:56

I have a 11 m/o, and am a 22 year old single mum. I have handed in my notice to work now, as I don't feel he is ready to be left yet. He has always been very clingy, he will happily go off and play with anyone if I am there, but as soon as I leave the room he will just cry and cry.
He is also still breastfeeding every 2-3 hours, and ideally I would like to let him self wean up until 2.

I have no doubts about this being best for DS, and am planning to stay with him until 2 then look for a job again, but I just feel a bit anxious about actually telling people this, as since he was born it seems to have been constant "so when are you going back to work then" off everyone.

I am very lucky to be back living with my mum, so money isn't much of an issue as this will just postpone moving out for a bit.
So there's no necessity to leave him before he's ready, but I just feel like I'll look "lazy" for not going back yet.

OP posts:
MrsDeVere · 17/03/2013 08:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FasterStronger · 17/03/2013 08:38

Pigs, you say you want to do what's best for your dc and stop working while he is young, but what about household income affecting childrens outcome?

How do you plan to raise your income, as evidence shows this will be of benefit to him?

I ask because you seem to be inconsistent in your approach. What's the difference?

MummyDuckAndDuckling · 17/03/2013 08:50

Mrsd- handouts then! I also receive handouts while I work Confused

eavesdropping · 17/03/2013 09:38

FasterStonger evidence also shows that children who are attachment parented (and we could include being a SAHM and BFing until a child self weans as being AP) have good outcomes.

There are many, many things that affect a child's outcome - household income is only one. The OP is doing what she believes to be best (and also we don't even know what her household income will be - her mother could be very well off for all you know.)

MrsDeVere · 17/03/2013 09:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MummyDuckAndDuckling · 17/03/2013 09:47

I'm only human, these things sometimes happen Wink

wordfactory · 17/03/2013 10:00

eaves all the evidence shows that the absolutely biggest indicator of outocmes for DC in the UK is income...

All the studies show that the DC with the worst outcomes are those in care, afterwards it is those in workless homes. The studies are crystal clear.

LittleChickpea · 17/03/2013 10:02

I am really confused and surprised that people are encouraging others to voluntarily leave secure jobs. I mean let's think about what is happening in the country and why future employment may/will prove to be much more difficult. Let's use Spain as a comparison. Spanish unemployment is 25%, and for the youth it's 50%. The debt situation in Britain is far worse than it is in Spain. Our economic position is far worse than it is in Spain. Britain's debt equals 900% of the economy. When you listen to well respected economists, in all recorded history no country has ever recovered from the position Britain is currently in, financially (thank you very much Gorden). This level of debt has never been reversed and it has inevitably resulted in financial collapse. Not meaning to sound like i am scaremongering just talking facts! Currently British unemployment is just under 8% but bearing in mind the debt/number of companies going into administration etc. it's only a matter of time before Britain starts seeing up to 30% unemployment. Or maybe, I am talking a load of balls!!

Someone said earlier in the thread they were cautious, well I agree with that position. We need to really consider our options rather than just expect everything will be ok and a job will be easy to find in the near/long term future. It's a challenging trading environment out here. I won't be taking my position or future prospects for granted. I won't be encouraging anyone else to do the same.

Anyway, sorry for my dull and boring note. I am just curious that people think getting back into work will be a breeze when we all know what's going on in our economy.

FasterStronger · 17/03/2013 10:19

eves can you point me to a scientific reference to back up your claim? ideally a meta study. the reason i ask i when i have read the original research, if says something very different than what you might think. i dont think the newspapers help (neverl let the truth get the way of a good story and so on...)

as far as i am aware young children do better in a home setting (but the parent being there is not the important part), and they downside to childcare is at population level not individual child level. i.e. a very small number of children are affected by it.

any this will be offset by the benefits of a higher household income

FasterStronger · 17/03/2013 10:24

also attachment parenting is not backed up by conculsive research en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_parenting#Criticisms_and_controversies see the link to footnote 12.

eavesdropping · 17/03/2013 10:41

I didn't realise it hadn't been backed up by conclusive research. To me it is common sense though - a child being raised the way a human being has been since the beginning of time (close to its mother, full-term BF) is not going to suffer negative effects.

As for income being the biggest indicator of outcome...perhaps it is long-term if a child lives in poverty for many years...but I would be interested to see any research that suggests a child whose mother takes a couple of years off work, who has savings and the financial support of their family, is going to be negatively affected.

morethanpotatoprints · 17/03/2013 10:48

I don't understand how being income should affect the outcome of your children. I know it can do because I have witnessed this in the area I live. However, it is usually coupled with long term unemployment of both parents, the parents lack of education, lack of good education for the children, culture, values and belief system.

We have mostly only had one parent working, have been desperately poor at times (not any longer) but our dc have grown up fine. Ds1 21 is employed and has been since 16, has a Degree and several Btecs good GCSE's. Ds2 is 18, due to complete A levels soon, currently seeking work.
DD aged 9 is a very talented musician and already knows this is how she will earn a living.

scottishmummy · 17/03/2013 10:49

Eaves,housewifes and mothers not working is a post war phenomena
Only upper class women had choice not to work.ordinary women worked
Mothers took children to work Factories acts and education acts curtailed this to some extent

Attachment parenting is a bit of a mc tribe activity.up there with baby wearing and sling meets

ShellyBoobs · 17/03/2013 11:01

...evidence also shows that children who are attachment parented (and we could include being a SAHM and BFing until a child self weans as being AP) have good outcomes.

What evidence is that, Eaves? Have you just made that up?

I thought it was well reported that there is no proof that AP is beneficial to the child.

CecilyP · 17/03/2013 11:05

What war are you talking about, scottishmummy? Between WW1 and WW2, the overwhelming majority of mothers (of all social classes) of young children did not work outside the home. Perhaps a bit of charring if they were really poor, but that was about it.

morethanpotatoprints · 17/03/2013 11:07

Faster

Both A level and Undergrads are warned that conducting research and citing Wiki will not be accepted evidence due to the lack of reliability.

WhatsTheBuzz · 17/03/2013 11:07

maybe you ought to shut up about children from low-income households having
shitty lives because there are many people who can't get anything other
than nmw or indeed, any job at all for whatever reason and are just
doing the best they can? Insensitive.

morethanpotatoprints · 17/03/2013 11:17

Whats

Ime its not necessarily so. I believe if parents actively encourage, support and nurture their dc it doesn't matter about income.

My friend a sp who is scraping money together receiving all benefits she is entitled to has managed to access music lessons for her dd, she is well clothed, supported in her education and is really no different from the mc families living across the road, attending the same school. She is not on her own, there are several families I know of in the same position some dc being encouraged and supported in sport, the arts or academic.

CecilyP · 17/03/2013 11:25

Of course it's not necessarily so. There are plenty of well cared for children of parents on very low incomes. The stats come about because the majority of totally chaotic families are also on low incomes. As the OP does not sound remotely chaotic, and is making a measured decision, it is totally irrelevant to talk about poor outcomes. Anyway, it is not for ever. Her DS is only a baby. Just because there is currently a recession does not mean she will never work again. Just because she is single now does not mean she will never find a partner who can help provide a higher standard of living.

momofalltrades · 17/03/2013 11:26

being a parent is a very challenging, eventful, anxious and exhausting, but it is also about being their for your child to show them unconditional love and support. i am not working at the moment am a mom to five ranging from 23yrs to 9mnths have worked and also completed 2 college courses nvq 2 + 3 in childcare. worked in nurserys so know what they are like, children can be happy and settled but i do think a childs first years should be at home, to see the development stages they go through somthing that can not be replaced. each individual is different have different circumstances adshould not be penalised or put down for this. freedom of choice does not make us idle or mean we are waiting for the next.payday for benefits.

WhatsTheBuzz · 17/03/2013 11:30

mine were well-off. Depression and anxiety had a big part to play in my
fucking up my gcses, getting pregnant at 16, self-harming for years and
living with an abusive arsehole for 3 years. They worked ft so we were
in childcare. Probably unrelated but who knows.

LittleChickpea · 17/03/2013 11:44

Whats sorry to hear that. No one should go through that..

On the other side of the coin, my mum was a single mum of three (father died when I was three - I am the youngest), worked full time and sacrificed time with us. We were lucky maybe but we had a different experience to you.

morethanpotatoprints · 17/03/2013 11:53

Whats.

So sorry to hear that your up bringing and early adult life were so bad for you. Nobody should have to endure your situation.

My dh came from a very abusive and violent parent and it has taken him years to recover and he still isn't there yet and I doubt he ever will be.
He did tell me though that no way was it ever going to effect his dc and they would never suffer as he had. He is a fantastic Dad and has been from day one.

I didn't notice if you mentioned your dc, but I bet you are one fine mother, if my dh's philosophy is anything to go by.

WhatsTheBuzz · 17/03/2013 12:01

don't
get me wrong, my parents love me, I'm just being bitter Wink and am
pretty happy now, despite dp and I being on crappy nmw but hate the idea
that my dc are having a shit time because I messed up when I was
younger!

morethanpotatoprints · 17/03/2013 12:18

Whatsthe buzz

I don't mean this in a challenging way but what do you mean? How are your dc having a shit time?

You and your dh are obviously doing a good job raising them, you are both working
providing a good role model. I'm not suggesting to others that this is essential before I am slated.
You know yourself that love, nurture, good values and support are all your dc need to grow to be successful members of society.