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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if people judge single mums for not working?

776 replies

PigsCanSoar · 14/03/2013 22:56

I have a 11 m/o, and am a 22 year old single mum. I have handed in my notice to work now, as I don't feel he is ready to be left yet. He has always been very clingy, he will happily go off and play with anyone if I am there, but as soon as I leave the room he will just cry and cry.
He is also still breastfeeding every 2-3 hours, and ideally I would like to let him self wean up until 2.

I have no doubts about this being best for DS, and am planning to stay with him until 2 then look for a job again, but I just feel a bit anxious about actually telling people this, as since he was born it seems to have been constant "so when are you going back to work then" off everyone.

I am very lucky to be back living with my mum, so money isn't much of an issue as this will just postpone moving out for a bit.
So there's no necessity to leave him before he's ready, but I just feel like I'll look "lazy" for not going back yet.

OP posts:
lottieandmia · 16/03/2013 18:29

wordfactory - others are more likely to agree with you if your posts are presented in a way which does not seem pompous and sneering.

wordfactory · 16/03/2013 18:29

All the more reason for them to express themselves adequately.

As I said upthread, my DC have more undertsnding of the economy that morethan...

LittleChickpea · 16/03/2013 18:31

Lottie. I have waited to have dc and I am ttc and had 1 mc.

LittleChickpea · 16/03/2013 18:33

Word we may not agree on everything but I think you have positioned your arguments well.

Original poster
PigsCanSoar · 16/03/2013 18:33

They will judge my child? Really? You are going to judge an 11 month old baby, for not starting nursery yet? Or based on his mum/absent dad?
You are sounding fairly unpleasant right now...
I am fine with being judged for the next year, I was just wondering the general opinion and have had a range of responses which is what I was looking to find out.
It has also shown the people who really judge seem to be judging based on benefits rather than actually staying home to care for a child. And I couldn't really give a toss about people who put money that is not a necessity above a babies happiness so that's all good.

OP posts:
lottieandmia · 16/03/2013 18:34

Actually I think people have expressed themselves 'adequately'.

Comparing a poster (who you don't know) to a child in order to ridicule their view is a bit lazy imo.

wordfactory · 16/03/2013 18:34

pigs I very rarely come across adults that don't understand basic economics.

If I'm having a discussion with someone with an opposite opinion who is knowledgeable and intelligent it is interesting...

But if one knows nothing about a subject, it behoves you to know your limits no? I wouldn't try to advise you on nursery procedure...

Original poster
PigsCanSoar · 16/03/2013 18:36

You have however tried to advise me on "how hard" it is to get a job at a nursery?

OP posts:
wordfactory · 16/03/2013 18:37

pigs I have already said I would not judge you. And no, I wouldn't judge your child...but you would be foolish to think people won't!

As I say, hey ho, hardly a tragedy what people think. But you asked. You started this thread, supposedly to gauge feelings. You have them...

I think you would be much better off putting your energies in considering how you are going to properly support yourself and your DS in the coming years.

Original poster
PigsCanSoar · 16/03/2013 18:38

I would rather someone be slightly lacking understanding in a topic (not actually seen if she was wrong or not) than state they would judge a baby as well.

OP posts:
wordfactory · 16/03/2013 18:38

No I haven't advised you on how hard it is vis a vis nurseries.

morethanpotatoprints · 16/03/2013 18:38

littlechickpea.

I did apologise if it wasn't you that had posted about what you had paid for on behalf of others. Sometimes I struggle with the screen up and down and my reading is slow. Perhaps I am not as intelligent as you, but I am still entitled to an opinion whether you think its drivel or not.

word, quite a number of people who have pointed out I'm not good at economics, well so what. I didn't know I was posting on mastermind. My views differing from yours or indeed my different life experiences to you do not make me thick.

MrsDeVere · 16/03/2013 18:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

eavesdropping · 16/03/2013 18:39

Who the hell judges a child on whether their parents work or not? Seriously?

wordfactory · 16/03/2013 18:41

eaves people are horrible.

God, one of the most popular papers id the Daily Fail. And poeple watch Jeremy Kyle for fun. They bloody love to demonise the poor. Having a laugh at their expense.

People are cruel and judgemental.

lottieandmia · 16/03/2013 18:42

'Who the hell judges a child on whether their parents work or not? Seriously?'

People who think they are superior to everyone because they are lucky enough never to have had to claim benefits.

LittleChickpea · 16/03/2013 18:44

Morethan that's cool. Shall we shake and leave the negativity behind. We may not agree on politics/benefits but there is no need for us to get personal with each other. Are you cool with that?

If you are then let's get back to telling each other how wrong we are on benefits etc. Wink

Original poster
PigsCanSoar · 16/03/2013 18:44

I will "properly" support my DS just fine... the loss caused by having 1 year off will be around £3000 when looking at transport cost etc too. It seems a small amount to sell my sons happiness for as a baby. If I needed to pay rent/had debts, then yes I would have to. But I am lucky in the fact my mum is happy having us stay to keep her company, and I have savings. it's not going to cause any short or long term money problems.

OP posts:
wordfactory · 16/03/2013 18:47

What I meant pigs and what I have repetedly stated is that I do not believe that this government will be providing much in the way of support in the furture. Be that for the workless or support for those in work on low incomes.

If I were you, as young and clearly bright as you are, I would put myself in a position where I could support my family independently.

morethanpotatoprints · 16/03/2013 18:53

littlechickpea

Yes huge apologies, I was really convinced it was you.
Back to the benefits.
In all seriousness I have said this before but I am a rather old bird and right from start wanted to be a sahm. We managed to scrape by on dhs income but it was bloody tough. Then tax credits came along and made life a bit easier. I have said on other threads I cried because it was such a relief. I don't think I'm entitled to this when there are so many people going without but I take them because they are there. If they stopped tomorrow I wouldn't rush out to find work we would have to manage. We don't live in luxury and it pays nothing like a wage would do. I don't think many people receiving tax credit feel entitled, if you ask them.
I know this doesn't solve the problem but imo neither does allowing couples who earn up to 90k claim cb.

LittleChickpea · 16/03/2013 19:06

morethan please don't apologies. I am new to MN and quickly realising there are no wall flowers here. I like the strength of opinion / women and how outspoken the women on here are. Smile

Need to head off but I am sure you won't be surprised to hear I shall be back tomorrow been a real pain in the rear. Ha ha

JackieTheFart · 16/03/2013 19:18

I'm not sure I'd judge you about what you've put down.

However, I do judge your latest post 'seems a small amount to sell my sons happiness for as a baby' Hmm

Thanks a fucking bunch. Not all of us have the luxury of a parent we can live with rent-free so we don't have to work until they are two.

lottieandmia · 16/03/2013 19:26

(sigh)

It isn't the OP's fault that she's lucky enough to live with her mum. So what if she gets to live rent free? That has nothing to do with anyone, even those of you who feel your taxes would all be handed directly back to you if they weren't needed for benefit claimants.

Original poster
PigsCanSoar · 16/03/2013 19:32

jackie, I also said "If I needed to pay rent/had debts, then yes I would have to. But I am lucky in the fact my mum is happy having us stay to keep her company, and I have savings".
It's different if you have to, but to choose to just doesn't make sense to me, I put my sons happiness above money I don't need, as I'm sure you would have if you didn't have to pay rent too. (I'm assuming you would have rather stayed with DC until 2 since you called it a luxury)

OP posts:
Crawling · 16/03/2013 19:32

pigs I wish you the very best of luck and stick to your instincts with your dc if you feel hes not ready then as his mother I believe you. All children are different I have 3 and 2 of those (one special needs one normal) were definetly not ready for childcare the third I may send even though I dont work as I feel it will benefit her and she is not the same as the other two.

IMO most children do fine in childcare and some benefit from it but some just are not ready.