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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if people judge single mums for not working?

776 replies

PigsCanSoar · 14/03/2013 22:56

I have a 11 m/o, and am a 22 year old single mum. I have handed in my notice to work now, as I don't feel he is ready to be left yet. He has always been very clingy, he will happily go off and play with anyone if I am there, but as soon as I leave the room he will just cry and cry.
He is also still breastfeeding every 2-3 hours, and ideally I would like to let him self wean up until 2.

I have no doubts about this being best for DS, and am planning to stay with him until 2 then look for a job again, but I just feel a bit anxious about actually telling people this, as since he was born it seems to have been constant "so when are you going back to work then" off everyone.

I am very lucky to be back living with my mum, so money isn't much of an issue as this will just postpone moving out for a bit.
So there's no necessity to leave him before he's ready, but I just feel like I'll look "lazy" for not going back yet.

OP posts:
Wallison · 16/03/2013 20:02

This is going back a bit, but Mummyduckandduckling you say "I have no issues with people claiming genuine benefits, but it shouldn't be a life choice, more a helping hand" while claiming tax credits, which are a benefit which enable you to work part-time rather than full-time. So you really don't have a leg to stand on.

ShellyBoobs · 16/03/2013 20:10

I don't think it should be possible to choose to live on benefits.

If you're disabled or otherwise unable to work, then it's great that support is available.

Having a child is a responsibility that requires parents to work in order to provide for it. If you simply choose to stop working when you're in a job, then you shouldn't be entitled to claim anything IMO.

Oh and yes, you will definitely be judged by people. Much more harshly so in the outside world than on MN, too.

Wallison · 16/03/2013 20:28

Meh. I think the govt is actually getting a pretty good deal out of single parents who opt out of the workplace for a while to raise their children. If they were to work in minimum wage jobs or part-time jobs while their children were young, they would be costing a lot more in tax credits. As it stands, people who do this do it on £127 a week; they are raising the next generation on this. It's cheaper than tax credits, and it's cheaper than foster care.

Wallison · 16/03/2013 20:39

Oh and OP, I wouldn't worry about taking two years out of the workplace in terms of your future prospects; I didn't work for two years after having my son and found a job pretty easily that was on a par with the wage I'd had before, and that was in a field where you supposedly have to stay "current" (you don't, really, because you can catch up) and just when the economy was going tits up. Jesus, I know women who are going back to work after 10, 12, 13 years out of the workplace and they manage it so I'm sure you'll be fine. I reckon that the main reason employers look askance at gaps on your CV is because they're worried about criminal convictions; if you've been looking after a baby, then obviously that doesn't apply.

MummyDuckAndDuckling · 16/03/2013 21:12

Wallison, yes but I'm working, even if it is part time.

Wallison · 16/03/2013 21:50

Sure. And you're getting benefits because you're not working full-time. Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with that - it's just a bit rich that you say it "shouldn't be a lifestyle choice" because that's what it is for you. Do you get housing benefit as well as tax credits? Because if you do, I can guarantee you'll be getting more in benefits than the OP will by giving up work.

RatPants · 16/03/2013 22:00

I don't judge. I understand the childcare/wages ratio
when children are very young only too well. Despite currently working for not very much take home myself with two preschoolers.

Older children, hmm. I think a lot of women stay at home / work part time and are supported by a partner in order to be around for the children more and think its unfair that the dc miss out on that support because the parents have split up. So no, I don't think I judge about that either.

Original poster
PigsCanSoar · 16/03/2013 22:18

Seriously.... shelly This is not a thread about benefits... At what point did benefits get mentioned in the OP? All I said was that money isn't a problem so I don't need to go back to work yet, and mentioned that I have savings multiple times since that.

It's interesting how single parent postponing work instantly translates into entitled benefit scrounger.... I haven't seen threads questioning SAHM's who are married about if they're daring to claim anything.

I would love to see some people who've commented on here's opinions on the amount of money spent in prisons, on wars and expenses.... Sure some would end up crumbling in a fit of rage.

Wallison I tried to explain that a few times earlier and they seemed to think the tax paid by minimum wage workers would cancel out the childcare support and WTC etc Wink

OP posts:
LadyPessaryPam · 16/03/2013 22:23

PigsCanSoar & morethan please carry on. I think it will be fun charting your progress over the next few years. Please do keep us all posted.

MummyDuckAndDuckling · 16/03/2013 22:33

No I don't get housing benefit! I own my own home, paid my own mortgage since I bought when I was 20 so don't even start to presume my circumstances.

And I have already explained up thread why I'm working part time at the moment. I'm not repeating myself.

morethanpotatoprints · 16/03/2013 22:34

LadyPessary

My family are fine thanks. I don't want to get into another argument about future funding for pension, but I think we have managed ok so far and will in the future. Nothing is set to change for us tbh, except our dc2 leaves full time education this year.
I know many people are worried and the cuts will affect some people quite harshly, it is such a shame that the poorest people will suffer.

lottieandmia · 16/03/2013 22:35

'Sure. And you're getting benefits because you're not working full-time. Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with that - it's just a bit rich that you say it "shouldn't be a lifestyle choice" because that's what it is for you. Do you get housing benefit as well as tax credits? Because if you do, I can guarantee you'll be getting more in benefits than the OP will by giving up work. '

Under the last government, 90% of people were getting tax credits. I had friends earning over 60k who got them. We had a system where nearly everyone would have been on a benefit of some description. Rightly or wrongly, benefits are therefore no longer viewed as something only the most needy in society are entitled to.

Original poster
PigsCanSoar · 16/03/2013 22:37

Lady, what are you honestly expecting to happen? My life will effectively be over for spending 1 year with DS? I really didn't realise people could get so over dramatic. If I was planning to move into a council house with no savings, and not work until he's 5 then I'd understand. But really?

I would much rather have 1 year less of wages, than have to deal with knowing I've put myself and my need to spend money I can cope fine without before DS, and left him crying day in day out for no good reason other than to keep other people happy.

OP posts:
WhatsTheBuzz · 16/03/2013 22:43

mummy you have been hypocritical, I'm afraid.

WhatsTheBuzz · 16/03/2013 22:45

and ffs, why start slagging off people in council houses? Jesus.

MummyDuckAndDuckling · 16/03/2013 22:47

Think what you like. I'm proud that as a single parent I'm working to support me and my daughter. If I receive some benefits along the way to help me then so be it. I'm not making it a lifestyle choice to quit work and live of handouts

MummyDuckAndDuckling · 16/03/2013 22:49

Who's slagging off people in council houses? I didn't say anything of the sort!

WhatsTheBuzz · 16/03/2013 22:49

but you are because you're choosing to work pt when you could work ft..?

WhatsTheBuzz · 16/03/2013 22:51

that wasn't aimed at you.

MummyDuckAndDuckling · 16/03/2013 22:54

Oh give it a rest. I'm working, regardless of it being ft or pt

WhatsTheBuzz · 16/03/2013 22:57

okay
but think carefully before you get on your high horse about benefits
and lifestyle choices again. Hopefully you'll continue to avoid the
crippling costs of childcare too Smile.

MummyDuckAndDuckling · 16/03/2013 22:59

I'm not on any high horse, simply giving my opinion

morethanpotatoprints · 16/03/2013 22:59

Mummy

You should be proud you are doing the best for your child. But so is everyone else and you working pt doesn't make you any better than a parent not working. You still get benefit just the same.
My dh works and I don't and as a family we get benefits, we are all different with different stories to tell.

Original poster
PigsCanSoar · 16/03/2013 23:31

Whats sorry I wasn't meaning to slag off people in council housing! I meant I would understand why she was insinuating I'd be finding things hard if I was moving into council flats, as from the 3 people I know who've been in council housing it's all been bad experiences (damp, broken lift so loads of stairs, really bad condition when moved in etc). Though that could just be in the area I live.
I wasn't meaning there's anything wrong with it, as if I didn't have my mum helping out and had had DS at 16 before starting work, or soon after starting, then I would have ended up in council housing just as anyone else in that situation would have.

OP posts:
LittleChickpea · 17/03/2013 07:48

mummy don't let the onslaught on you gt you down. It's a shame more people dont have the same work ethics you do. IMO the only judgement most people will mke on you is, good on you, you are workin, looking after your child and I may be wrong studying for a degree. Having discussed this with a group of friends and work colleagues the consensus is you should be getting a lot more financial support than someone opting out of work. you at least are continuing to pay some taxes! I think mothers like you are amazing.

morethan with regards your note on dual combined income families of more than £60K getting CB. Well I think that's anothe piss take. If families are £60K, £70K, £80 and above they should in no way be getting CB. That's a piss take. That money should be redirected to other people in need of the assistance.

Honestly this whole system s so flawed. Confused