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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if people judge single mums for not working?

776 replies

PigsCanSoar · 14/03/2013 22:56

I have a 11 m/o, and am a 22 year old single mum. I have handed in my notice to work now, as I don't feel he is ready to be left yet. He has always been very clingy, he will happily go off and play with anyone if I am there, but as soon as I leave the room he will just cry and cry.
He is also still breastfeeding every 2-3 hours, and ideally I would like to let him self wean up until 2.

I have no doubts about this being best for DS, and am planning to stay with him until 2 then look for a job again, but I just feel a bit anxious about actually telling people this, as since he was born it seems to have been constant "so when are you going back to work then" off everyone.

I am very lucky to be back living with my mum, so money isn't much of an issue as this will just postpone moving out for a bit.
So there's no necessity to leave him before he's ready, but I just feel like I'll look "lazy" for not going back yet.

OP posts:
acceptableinthe80s · 16/03/2013 16:56

Sorry to but in but i've been thinking about the comparison to students and they don't seem to get judged at all for opting out of work/paying taxes for 4+ years. Many of them will find themselves unemployed after uni or in low paid jobs so it's not like you can use the 'but they'll pay tax eventually' excuse. As that also applies to a single parent taking year or two off work to raise a child.
And many single parents have paid tax for years/decades even prior to becoming a single parent.
So how is, in some peoples eyes, a student gaining a degree more important than a mother raising a child? As pointed out students may not get benefits but they do cost the taxpayer none the less.

anotheryearolder · 16/03/2013 17:07

Unless Im missing something students dont get a" degree on the taxpayer "anymore they often take on massive loans to enable them to do so.
Taking Nursing and Midwifery students as an example they are also on placement for a fair part of it working shifts.

Many of them also work as well as studying as they simply cant make ends meet -as HCA,bar work etc.

Crawling · 16/03/2013 17:11

another year nurses and midwifes are given £500 bursaries more if they have children. A midwife also cant deliever a baby unless supervised so is not helping as the sane number of staff and costs need to be there (i had a student mw on dc 3) and student loans still cost money.

acceptableinthe80s · 16/03/2013 17:15

Yes anotheryear and the massive loans are given by the government/taxpayer and will take years/decades to recoup. Still all comes out of the same pot.

anotheryearolder · 16/03/2013 17:16

Crawling Im aware of that - how could they study with no income -they cant live on nothing.Confused

wordfactory · 16/03/2013 17:19

Most higher rate tax payers went to university, so the state sees their education as somehting worth investing in.

And yes, students do invest in their education too.

I know some people will now jump in and say SAHP are worth investing in as they next generation by raising great DC, ut the fact is that most working parents raise great DC too. In fact, the evidence shows that the worst outcomes are for DC from workless households.

LittleChickpea · 16/03/2013 17:20

Sohow is, in some peoples eyes, a student gaining a degree more important than a mother raising a child? As pointed out students may not get benefits but they do cost the taxpayer none the less.

There is no comparison in terms of importance. You can't compare it in that way. Students are studying to hopfully have a degree which will enable them to get a good job and contribute to the economy. Well, unless they study for "how long is a bit of string PHD or David Beckham Social Studies Masters", but that's a whole different conversation.. SAHP that choose to quit a perfectly good job and go on benefits are choosing a life style that is funded by other people.

You are right, in the current environment it may/could prove vey hard for them to get the type of salaried employment they would like to have. But it's the fact their intention is to get jobs at the end of their studies, not to stop working, go on benefits and let someone else stump up the bill.

A person choosing to study to hopefully contribute to the economy in the future. vs A person choosing to quit a perfectly good job and go on welfare. IMO there is a difference there.

anotheryearolder · 16/03/2013 17:20

OK am now baffled - are we really argueing on a parenting website that student midwives for example should not be given any support whilst they gain their qualifications that hopefully over a working life will benefit thousands of us Confused.

eavesdropping · 16/03/2013 17:22

LittleChickpea

The last time I had to look for work was 2.5 years ago. I was made redundant whilst pregnant; I got straight back out there, applied for 2 jobs, was interviewed for both and was offered both. Perhaps I was exceptionally lucky?

I can't believe that things have changed that much in 2.5 years - I understand that it's competitive out there, but I also maintain that if you have the right skills, experience & qualifications, you will find work. Taking a couple of years out to look after a child isn't going to forever ruin your chances.

anotheryearolder · 16/03/2013 17:23

xpost with word and chickpea

seriouscakeeater · 16/03/2013 17:29

ignore the witches on here.... yep those are the witches that are paying for the food their dc will eat, clothe them, pay for the petrol in car that runs them to play group,buys them xmas prezzies ect.........yep real witches

witches V entitlest spongers oh yes thats it.

LittleChickpea · 16/03/2013 17:30

Things change a lot in 2.5 years. You have new Very well experienced people coming onto the market with no break in experience due to redundancies (do you know how many recunancies have occurred in the last 2.5 years), you have fresh blood coming out of uni, you have internals that have worked their way up and on and on and on... And most of these people will be very flexible in terms of business working hour requirements. It's an employers market out there now.

I think you may well be surprised.

bbface · 16/03/2013 17:30

Eaves... You are in for a short sharp shock.

2.5 years you say? The changes, both profound and cosmetic, that have occurred in the UK economy over the last 2.5 years are huge. And the impact has been felt at every level of employment, from senior, middle to junior level recruitment.

acceptableinthe80s · 16/03/2013 17:31

But chickpea the OP also intends to go back to work and indeed has a career to go back to. Neither will be contributing to the economy whilst they're studying/raising children but both will eventually. Both take money from the government be it benefits or loans so really what is the difference and why is one vilified and the other isn't?

LittleChickpea · 16/03/2013 17:33

^ignore the witches on here.... yep those are the witches that are paying for the food their dc will eat, clothe them, pay for the petrol in car that runs them to play group,buys them xmas prezzies ect.........yep real witches

witches V entitlest spongers oh yes thats it.^

Don't understand. Where you referring to any of us specifically? Grin

gordyslovesheep · 16/03/2013 17:35

students in HE can not claim JSA - they CAN claim housing benefit or any dependants during the holidays but not for THEMSELVES - the rest is not benefits

ChestyLeRoux · 16/03/2013 17:38

you dont know how terrible things have got in the last 2.5 years. Its ridiculous and Ive never known anythinh like it.

wordfactory · 16/03/2013 17:39

eaves it really is shocking in the job market right now, but actually I think this is just the beginning.

As the public sector gets more and more squeezed, any jobs coming up in the private sector will be ever more hotly contested.

And let's be honest, the private sector is doing pretty badly at the mo. There is no growth.

LittleChickpea · 16/03/2013 17:39

accept simply because one is choosing to quit a perfectly good job and going on benefits instead.. And the other is studying to hopefully contribute to the economy. The student would also be judged if they completed their degree and out of choice decided just to take a couple of years off on the tax payers expense. It's different if they try really hard to gain employment but they don't and find themselves on hard times.

gordyslovesheep · 16/03/2013 17:40

that should be FOR any dependents

Original poster
PigsCanSoar · 16/03/2013 17:41

Ok this has really blown out of proportion a bit...! I've skim read as need to go and make tea in a minute, but some of the comments seem a bit hysterical.

I am not leaving work "to claim benefits" I am leaving the job (but remaining on their books) and waiting 1 year then seeing if they have any possitions, then if not applying elsewhere. Considering they have had 5 new staff members in the time I have been off, it isn't implausible that I could end up back at the same job.
I am also in a career where looking after a child for a year is hardly unrelated. It's not going to be seen terribly by an employer. With this argument of "a year is fine but 2 years you won't be to do any job effectively anymore" does noone with children close in age ever go back to work then?

The fact I am recieving benefits is unrelated as far as I'm concerned. I would be recieving them (more) if working. And I could cope without them as I have savings, so I am not "using benefits to have the privilidge of staying home". But equally I'm not going to turn down extra help out of pride..

Also this view of "you're better off on benefits" is ridiculous, it's nowhere near.
For the year I will get about £70 a week , then the £20 child benefit.
Out of curiosity, does everyone posting in offence not claim that child benefit?

OP posts:
wordfactory · 16/03/2013 17:45

Well pigs you asked if people would judge you and the answer is ...yes they will. Hey ho.

I can't for the life of me imagine why you'd want to go back to your career. You don't seem to rate it highly and it pays badly. Again, I ask, is this your grand plan?

Original poster
PigsCanSoar · 16/03/2013 17:45

Oh and would this be as bad if DS's dad was paying £70 maintenance and I was waiting a year to go back?

OP posts:
bangwhizz · 16/03/2013 17:47

I haven't read posts but the truth is some people will judge you if you don't work and some people will judge you if you do.
so ignore them and do what the hell you like!!!

LittleChickpea · 16/03/2013 17:48

Out of curiosity, does everyone posting in offence not claim that child benefit

In answer to your question OP, I have never claimed any benefits of any sort. I also waited till I could afford to look after a dc on my own if DP and i split for whatever reason before ttc. I understand this is not always possible.