To ask if people judge single mums for not working?

[PigsCanSoar]

I have a 11 m/o, and am a 22 year old single mum. I have handed in my notice to work now, as I don't feel he is ready to be left yet. He has always been very clingy, he will happily go off and play with anyone if I am there, but as soon as I leave the room he will just cry and cry.
He is also still breastfeeding every 2-3 hours, and ideally I would like to let him self wean up until 2.

I have no doubts about this being best for DS, and am planning to stay with him until 2 then look for a job again, but I just feel a bit anxious about actually telling people this, as since he was born it seems to have been constant "so when are you going back to work then" off everyone.

I am very lucky to be back living with my mum, so money isn't much of an issue as this will just postpone moving out for a bit.
So there's no necessity to leave him before he's ready, but I just feel like I'll look "lazy" for not going back yet.

I'm not judging anyone who has to pay for childcare! I understand how hard it must be to have your wage eaten up by childcare costs. I have worked in a nursery, I know how much it can cost daily.

I'm only explaining my situation. If you want to be a sahm go ahead, but don't make it a choice if the only option is to then expect the tax payers to fund lifestyle choice as you can't support yourself.

I know many families who have chosen one parent to stay at home till children reach school age, as they are able to afford dropping to one wage. They then don't go on to claim X,Y and Z from the government to fund this 'choice'

I think it is a different ball game if you have family on tap to offer free childcare though. For most this isn't an option and the cost of childcare is almost equal to what they earn themselves. Then if you factor in transport and/or other work related costs you can be much worse off by working.

LadyPessary

CB isn't alright because of how it was introduced, because it is now considered part of the Welfare system the same as tax credits. They weren't originally introduced as a benefit neither. I think if you are earning a decent wage you shouldn't be entitled to this welfare benefit

It wouldnt be on minimum wage though.Childcare is funded and in september all disadvanteged 2 year olds will get 15 hours free on top of that.

morethan - but people who earn a decent wage are not entitled to CB anymore.

At least I thought that was why they were taking ours away - maybe I just have a smelly bottom and the government doesn't like me!

Why do people get annoyed with lone parents claiming benefits but think it's ok for a couple to have one in work who may not earn much, the other a SAHP and they claim a lot of working tax credits to top up their income?

It really pisses me off that lone parents are judged harshly (especially women) when the fact is that there are a lot of families claiming benefit who have the 'tradtional' set up. But if you're married nobody judges you.

Also just wanted to add this. In the few months between when my maternity ended and I started my new job, I had to have a meeting with a lone parent adviser at the job centre. She basically told me that until my dd turned 5 and went to school, there was no pressure on me to find a job... It's no wonder the country is in a mess

I think giving up work,when you're physically/mentally Able to work is v bad idea
As a parent you have commitments,op should maintain work not give it up
It's precarious in a recession to give up job.

I dont think society generally approves of that lottie. People are always saying those people should be in work that I know. Its still judged harshly by general society ime.

Esp with op being young, it's a competitive job market to get into. I've worked in childcare, yes there is a high staff turn over but that still doesn't mean it's easy just to walk in and out of work.

My nursery offered reduced childcare costs to have your own children in the nursery with you. I'm sure this is a bonus of most private nurseries. Sure, you will still be paying out fees, but its the fact that op would still be working but that's where help with tax credits comes in.

morethanpotatoprints CB isn't alright because of how it was introduced, because it is now considered part of the Welfare system the same as tax credits.

It may be considered by some as you suggest but that doesn't make them right. It was a contract to redistribute income from man to woman in the interests of the children. It is a benefit if it paid to non working parents though.

If anyone is interested, I just compared my situation now (single, sahm) to if I was working and now i can see what a lot of posters are getting at with both sides of the discussion.

Unless I have calculated it incorrectly, using the money supermarket thing, if I worked 40 hours a week at minimum wage, I would be £500 better off a month even after childcare has been taken out due to the extra help from working tax credits.

£15,000 of the yearly income would be benefits including working tax credits. So on one hand, I would cost the government an extra £3,500 a year compared to when I'm not working so I can see the argument that working single parents cost the government more money is correct.

But if I could work, that extra £500 would be motivation for me right now. Id be able to buy healthier food for dd, we could do activities and she could do music lessons or ballet if she wanted to, I could learn to drive and open up more possibilities for myself work wise, I could spend it on training or OU courses to get another degree (a more practical one this time haha!).

In fact, id be so much better off I'm wondering if I calculated it wrong!

People are not 'much' worse off working but, yes, there were times that I was either a bit worse off or broke even but that is irrelevant. I was working my way out of the system and I was responsible for myself and my child.

I just don't understand why the OP's first option is to stay at home. When you are a single mum all responsibility lies with you and you have to be resourceful. Why can't you work in a nursery where you can take your child? Why can't you train as a childminder and work from home with your child? Why have you not even considered other options?

It is not going to be any easier leaving your child at two. They will still be clingy and you will have been out of work for two years.

mummytokatie

My apologies if I am wrong but I read that cb is awarded to families with an income of up to 80K, that' 3x a decent income. But please somebody correct me if I'm wrong

Chesty, what I mean is that most people don't busy themselves even thinking about couples they know and their finances but always home in on the single parent iyswim and assume they must be claiming loads when maybe couples claim just as much. The reality is that most people on a low income, whether a couple or lone parent, working or not will struggle to run a home and bills etc without some state support.

If your answer to that is that poor people shouldn't have children at all then what you are arguing is that only well off people should have children - which would create a 2 tier society where poor people grow old with no support and nobody to look after them. In reality it is always children who will look after sick and aging parents, and if not them, the tax payer....

fwiw, I actually find being a SAHM boring and in no way a luxury, and in the OP's position I wouldn't give up work because children need to learn that they CAN cope without mum. Otherwise you're not supporting their independence.

Morethan - it's a right old mess! A couple with combined income of £99,998 (who each earn £49,999) will keep it all. A couple with an income of £60,000 (where dad earns all the money and mum is a SAHM) gets none.

It is reduced on a scale once one or both of you earns between £50k and £60k.

MummytoKatie

I really think this is wrong, but can see now why so many wohp's have been defending their right to keep it by pretending its not a benefit but stating that Tax credit top ups are. I guess its one rule for one and another rule for others.
I don't think either was set up to be considered as part of welfare benefits but they most certainly are now, according to many on here anyhow.

LittleChickpea Yes, I am a SAHM. To answer your question, I was last at work 2 years ago, although first year of that was mat leave so only a 1 year gap on my CV so far.

If what you're getting at is whether I will find it difficult to re-enter the workplace - it's not something that keeps me awake at night. I worked for 17 years prior to having DD, I have a good degree, voluntary experience etc etc. I feel confident that I will find work once I decide to.

If that takes a little longer than anticipated, or I have to adjust my expectations to begin with on what I can do - then so be it. That's a sacrifice I'm willing to make in return for having been able to stay at home with my DD whilst she's so little. I didn't give up work on a reckless whim - it was a careful decision, which I believe to be the right one for my family.

mummy
you are being supported by the government and your dm, it's a matter
of fact. And anyone who receives any benefit from the government is also
being supported. If supporting yourself fully was that important to
you, you'd be looking for any full time work. NOT saying you're wrong
but these are the facts, are they not?

lottieandmia I don't think being a couple with a SAHP and A working parent who claim working tax credits and child tax credits is similar to comparing a single SAHP. We get far less tax credits back, then we pay out in taxes. So we're still contributing, just not as much. A single SAHM isn't contributing at all.

(I'm a student, when we're both working in a few months we won't be claiming).

I have no issues at all with helping single SAHP's who have for some unforseen circumstances found themselves alone and needing to claim. I do have a massive issue with people who cannot support themselves and are claiming benefits, yet go on to have more children. That's not their right, benefits should be a fallback option not an entitlement. It infuriates me. Me and Dp wouldn't have another child whilst on tax credits, we have ended up on them having had a surpise baby too young and so i'm nearly in a position to work and pay back what we have claimed.

Certainly not when your children are so young. I am a bit more judgy when the children are at school, however I can also see that it doesn't always make financial sense to return.

I think there should be more childcare help for everyone, not just single mothers.

Lottieandmia

I argue this point all the time on behalf of my sp friends. I am married and a sahm but disagree with your comment that we are not judged because we are. If you look back through this thread you will see some of the comments I have received.
However, I do agree that sp's have a hard enough job anyway without people judging their decisions. In the absence of the other parent they should be supported. Until a bill comes in to make errant parents pay for their children there is no other choice imo.

Lottie - I think in my area you are judged whether you are single parent or a couple with one sahm if on low income. I have heard many comments about both as parents work as they are a decent family etc. I think both are quite harshly judged by society.

morethan - I take your point. Kate Middleton, after all is always being criticised for her apparent lack of career.

I think it is human nature for people to defend their own choices in life if they are being judged or criticised.
The welfare and benefit system used to be two totally different systems whether some people want to believe this or not, it is fact. Now any kind of support is deemed as wrong in some peoples view. This isn't helped by the Government who have moved the goal posts and lumped them together. Add to this the propaganda, it is not surprising that those with not much intelligence are falling for the spin.

I find it sad that women fought for so long to be entitled to choice and it seems that it is mostly women who condemn, judge and belittle other women.

OP it is mainly only on Mnet where I experience such judgement, people aren't like this in rl. They may judge you behind your back, but so what. As long as you are doing the best for your ds that is the most important thing, if you don't want to work, don't feel pressurised by the witches on here.