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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if people judge single mums for not working?

776 replies

PigsCanSoar · 14/03/2013 22:56

I have a 11 m/o, and am a 22 year old single mum. I have handed in my notice to work now, as I don't feel he is ready to be left yet. He has always been very clingy, he will happily go off and play with anyone if I am there, but as soon as I leave the room he will just cry and cry.
He is also still breastfeeding every 2-3 hours, and ideally I would like to let him self wean up until 2.

I have no doubts about this being best for DS, and am planning to stay with him until 2 then look for a job again, but I just feel a bit anxious about actually telling people this, as since he was born it seems to have been constant "so when are you going back to work then" off everyone.

I am very lucky to be back living with my mum, so money isn't much of an issue as this will just postpone moving out for a bit.
So there's no necessity to leave him before he's ready, but I just feel like I'll look "lazy" for not going back yet.

OP posts:
difficultpickle · 16/03/2013 10:21

When ds was in childcare when he was little he didn't have 20 people looking after him with only 5 or 6 interacting with him, he had 1. There are plenty of great people who have chosen to make their career in childcare. I would be crap at looking after other people's children but ds's CM really cared for him, including taking him when he was ill and administering the many and varied medications he had to have when he was little (born prem and was poorly and developmentally delayed until the age he started school).

Ds has known from an early age that mummy has to work and sometimes has to go away on business (I didn't travel when he was under 4). He is 8 now and fascinated by what I do and where I go and has no problem with me travelling (about 6 or 7 times a year for between 3 and 10 days).

ChestyLeRoux · 16/03/2013 10:24

eavesdropping if your 22 and work in childcare then its changing all the time. Employers chose people that havent been out the workforce in this economic climate.

WhatsTheBuzz · 16/03/2013 10:24

if
you believe so strongly that people shouldn't rely on benefits mummy,
why are you not working full-time? I don't think you're wrong, I'm just
wondering. As I do about anyone who goes on about benefits 'scroungers'

but has, themself, filled in that cb form.

Samnella · 16/03/2013 10:29

I agree that being a working role model is not that relevant until they are older but the problem is if you step out of the job market when your child is 1 will you find it so easy to step back in when they are 4 or 5?

A lot of this is about the culture of this country. There is an expectation that the mother will stay at home. Even now my children are both in school there are many parents (mostly mothers) who do not work and the school often seem to perpetuate this with the last minute announcements of events and assemblies that need a parent there.

My mother is from a different country and it is very rare for mothers to stay at home after the baby is a year old. That year is also shared with both parents. My cousin and his wife both took 6 months off each to look after their son before returning to work full time. It is just normal to them and they don't question it.

seriouscakeeater · 16/03/2013 10:34

I can't believe people are still responding to eaves after all she dosnt know anybody that goes to work to keep roof over there heads?? Apparently people work for hair cuts and holidays! I take it housing benefit pay your rent? How can u take her seriously?
[Grin] still Lmao at that lol

seriouscakeeater · 16/03/2013 10:36

By the wsy this thread is not about sah parents its about choosing to leave work and go on benefits through a clingy child

LittleChickpea · 16/03/2013 10:36

Mummy good on you. We need more people like you and I would rather a larger portion of our taxes are given to you (hard working parents) to support you continue in employment whilst your children are gowing, than people that feel some sort of entitlement to benefits so they can willingly give up work.

As stated before I have a huge amount of respect for parents like yourself. And as for people trying to make you feel guilty by insinuating your child will not understand(blah blah) ignore them. Most will be trying to justify their own positions.

LahleeMooloo · 16/03/2013 10:38

I'm a single parent and have worked between 16 and 37 hours a week for the same govt agency over the last ten years (changed my working hours/patterns about four times!)- it's so much easier to negotiate child friendly hours when you were with an employer before having kids, than trying to do it upon entry, already with children. Even now I'm full time, I can start at 9.30am to drop DS off, am able to take time off for school events etc, they are sympathetic if he is ill. But all this is because I've also proved myself over many years to be an excellent worker. I'm not sure fi they'd be so flexible and understanding if I was new.

WhatsTheBuzz · 16/03/2013 10:45

also, to 'the taxpayer' - you will always be paying tax, welfare system or not - learn to live with it.

LittleChickpea · 16/03/2013 10:51

Eaves you sound really niave about the reality of what happens when people leave the employment market firr a number of years. It is hard for people that have been out of work for a number of years to try and get back into full / part time employment. Continuous employment history on your CV is actually important in the current climate and most employers will look at it. Work practices change and there are more people coming into the employment market every single day. some of these people will have much more flexibility and this can be a point of difference for employers when taking on someone new.

Are you a SAHM? If so when was the last time you worked?

eavesdropping · 16/03/2013 10:55

no seriouscakeeater, housing benefit do not pay our rent. as I've already said we are not on benefits (other than child benefit)

you really are making yourself look very silly by making all these assumptions about me.

LittleChickpea · 16/03/2013 10:56

whatsthebuzz

also, to 'the taxpayer' - you will always be paying tax, welfare system or not - learn to live with it

not sure what your point is. We don't mind paying tax. We just don't want it going to people that willingly give up work.. I would rather more went to people in real need, working parents, people with disabilities or children with disabilities which mean they can't work, pensioners (that has worked) etc.

MummyDuckAndDuckling · 16/03/2013 10:59

Whatsthebuzz- I'm currently in a job that I really enjoy and is fitting in well with studying my degree through the open uni. They aren't in a position at the moment to offer me full time but I'm hope full that it will happen towards end of this year/start of next. Problem with my work (without saying who I work for) is that its shifts that can be extremely varied from one week to the next. I relay on my parents for childcare as at the moment I couldn't afford nursery and I'm glad that they are able to help out, but if I was full time it could mean one week I was working 4 x 10 hr shifts and the next week possibly half that. My parents still work (part time) and with me also doing part time, I'm able to be flexible with what hours I can do each week and I'm grateful that my job can allow this. My shifts also tend to be nights/evenings which wouldn't work with a nursery even if I wanted to put her into childcare.
I am not in any contact with her dad and don't ask him for a penny so I'm proud of that I'm supporting us to the best of my ability at the moment.

To whoever it was that said about not understand why they worked, well obv at 3 I didn't understand money etc, but I grew up knowing that 'mummy and daddy went to work to earn pennies for us to do/have nice things'. That set me a good example and so I want to set the same example for my dd and any future children

WhatsTheBuzz · 16/03/2013 11:02

so
chickpea, your tax doesn't go towards helping those people too? You
have to pay tax, you don't get a say in where it goes and quite frankly,
does it really make a difference to you? Deal with it.

LittleChickpea · 16/03/2013 11:02

mummy well said. Toast to your future success. Wine

wordfactory · 16/03/2013 11:07

Of course it makes a difference buzz

It's absurd to say it doesn't.

During a recession, when when the tax take is low, there is less to spend on public services. A choice has to be made how to spend it.

Or we borrow.

LittleChickpea · 16/03/2013 11:08

whatsthebuzz yes it does make a difference to me. I am a HR tax payer and i have worked since i was 16 years old, happily paying my taxes for 20 years. I have a say in how it should be spent. I want more of my hard earned money going to parents like mummy (in addition to my other points) and much much less going to people that choose not to work but are fully fit/capable of working and expect the rest of society to pay for them.... Let's hope the changes to the system will reflect this.

MummyDuckAndDuckling · 16/03/2013 11:09

Thank you chickpea Thanks

I also pay my taxes and have done since I started working. I have no issues with people claiming genuine benefits, but it shouldn't be a life choice, more a helping hand

LittleChickpea · 16/03/2013 11:10

No need o thank me mummy. I take my hat off to you and admire your ethics.. Smile

WhatsTheBuzz · 16/03/2013 11:13

but mummy, what would be your solution if, for some reason, your parents could no longer provide childcare?

lrichmondgabber · 16/03/2013 11:13

som epeople locally judge mums for working. "Look after your kids full time" sort of

MummyDuckAndDuckling · 16/03/2013 11:20

It's not something I'm thinking about at the moment as I'm confident that my parents can provide childcare as long as I need the help. They would rather I was working than not. There is an option within my work for more 'in hours' work but it would be in a different location to where I am and again at the moment there isn't any full time contracts

LadyPessaryPam · 16/03/2013 11:22

WhatsTheBuzz Sat 16-Mar-13 10:24:40 if you believe so strongly that people shouldn't rely on benefits mummy, why are you not working full-time? I don't think you're wrong, I'm just wondering. As I do about anyone who goes on about benefits 'scroungers' but has, themself, filled in that cb form.

CB is perfectly OK for working people to claim as it was introduced originally in conjunction with a tax hike and was a method to transfer income from the husband to the wife. This was needed because some men were abusive to their families and mothers were though more likely to spend wisely on the children and everyday things like food and clothes. So CB in this case is merely offset by the tax that is paid.

WhatsTheBuzz · 16/03/2013 11:25

I
wonder how many people choose not to work because their wages would be
eaten up by childcare costs then? Seems really narrow-minded to judge
someone based on their situation how it appears to you rather than the
sort of person they are.

lrichmondgabber · 16/03/2013 11:26

It can be argued that children come before parents career. Very busy parents are often very strict parents.

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