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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if people judge single mums for not working?

776 replies

PigsCanSoar · 14/03/2013 22:56

I have a 11 m/o, and am a 22 year old single mum. I have handed in my notice to work now, as I don't feel he is ready to be left yet. He has always been very clingy, he will happily go off and play with anyone if I am there, but as soon as I leave the room he will just cry and cry.
He is also still breastfeeding every 2-3 hours, and ideally I would like to let him self wean up until 2.

I have no doubts about this being best for DS, and am planning to stay with him until 2 then look for a job again, but I just feel a bit anxious about actually telling people this, as since he was born it seems to have been constant "so when are you going back to work then" off everyone.

I am very lucky to be back living with my mum, so money isn't much of an issue as this will just postpone moving out for a bit.
So there's no necessity to leave him before he's ready, but I just feel like I'll look "lazy" for not going back yet.

OP posts:
LineRunner · 15/03/2013 17:41

Don't have children if you can't afford them

I am one of those women whose marriage ended unxpectedly when my H left me for someone else. He also left his children.

Funny, no-one says anything to my ExH.

I do work, but I get some tax credits. Again, no-one asks my well-paid ExH why he doesn't make up the difference out of his considerable wages. (Well, I did once but he told me to fuck off.)

I think work is best where it is possible to work; but my god it's not easy when you are raising children on your own.

morethanpotatoprints · 15/03/2013 17:42

Scottish, I don't plan for such things, not being in Gov and such. There's not really much that can be done, maybe apart from to educate those that judge, that there aren't the jobs available for people claiming benefits, because too many people work now.

SirChenjin · 15/03/2013 17:43

Certainly Sweetkitty - choose to work or stay at home - but only if you and your partner can afford for one of you to do this. Don't sit with your hand out and expect the state to fund your 'right' to stay at home after you've voluntarily chosen to remove yourself from the workplace for no other reason than you'd rather spend the time at home/breastfeed for 2 years/whatever.

morethanpotatoprints · 15/03/2013 17:45

I was wondering how long it would be before you started talking about your famous "wage slaves"

wordfactory · 15/03/2013 17:45

Line if he were here, I'd give him a slap for you.

DH had a huge falling out with his brother about this last year. He and his wife divorced and his view was that she could just claim top up benefits (she worked part time) rather then he pay decent child support!

That way he'd have enough left for a nice new house with the OW.

DH was apoplectic on his nephews' behalf.

scottishmummy · 15/03/2013 17:45

So really just online blah about working adults,and you know you're being unreasonable with no substantive plan or basis for comment

wordfactory · 15/03/2013 17:47

morethan you do understand that unemployment isn' caused by there being too many people in work don't you?

You were joking right?

Please tell me you were. No one is that thick.

scottishmummy · 15/03/2013 17:48

Wage slaves was a quip by a housewife on other thread to explain why she didn't work
Apparently had such busy time with PTA,etc to consider demeaning self as wage slave
Didn't mind the dp being a wage slave who paid mortgage,bills,maintained unwaged her status. Funny that

wordfactory · 15/03/2013 17:50

Funny too how mums need to be at hoem to be good parents, but Dads appear to be able to be good parents and work.

Must be some special penis magic Wink...or are women just rubbish?

LahleeMooloo · 15/03/2013 17:53

Extremely foolish when the country is on the verge of going bust.

HappyMummyOfOne · 15/03/2013 17:56

I would judge a healthy adult choosing to quit work to rely on benefits. Having a chid means providing both financial and emotional support.

Double standards on here though, NRPs are slated if they fail to financially support a chid yet the PWC is apparently exempt from the same.

Too many have children and then decide other tax payers should pay for that choice.

sunshine401 · 15/03/2013 17:59

Can you not go part time?

sunshine401 · 15/03/2013 18:00

That was to the original OP.

sleepingsatellite · 15/03/2013 18:06

Not sure what other people think of me for giving up my job, but SIL has been on FB a few times talking about 'those who cant be bothered to work' etc, I love my DCs but never wanted to be a SAHM, and am finding it really difficult, having been in FT work since I was 16, and a bit scary having to rely on DH for money.
My ILs changed their minds on the childcare they were going to provide 2 days a week saying it was too big a commitment (fair enough, but wish they had thought of it sooner). Basically I either stayed in my job, and end up £400+ a month overdrawn, or gave up my job. So job it was. We are still completely skint, but not overdrawn (much).

LineRunner · 15/03/2013 18:07

In the last year, my DS's school and my DD's 6th form college have both expected me to be at events '('evenings') at 4pm in the afternoon, some of which clashed with each other, as well as clashing with my working hours.

It just can't be done.

So I'm probably listed as being a shit parent.

ExH, meanwhile, doesn't even get asked why he can't attend. (For a start no-one has his latest new phone number or address.)

But I carry on working.

I will always wonder if I did the right thing.

sleepingsatellite · 15/03/2013 18:14

Ah ignore me, just realised it says single mums in the OP!

seriouscakeeater · 15/03/2013 18:16

eaves I can't think of anybody who has returned to work literally in order to keep a roof over their family's head. What a lot of people see as necessary expenses - holidays, cars, gadgets, home improvements, haircuts - they go to work for. Grin Grin LMAO are you for real?????? WTF!!!

seriouscakeeater · 15/03/2013 18:19

line your ex is a complete prick, well done you for forging on Flowers

allnewtaketwo · 15/03/2013 18:20

Morethan, in what way do you not claim benefits if your household receives tax credits and you get free prescriptions?

seriouscakeeater · 15/03/2013 18:25

eaves my DS has 4 children..both her and DH work after childcare and bills they have nothing left. Yep they get child tax credits as not entitled to working.NO holidays no luxury life style. if she gave up work she STILL would not be able to claim credits as if goes off your last tax year, so she would have to go a year with out working , leaving family £500 down a month which is the morgage... so yes people do go to work to keep a roof over there heads you silly woman!

HairyHandedTrucker · 15/03/2013 18:27

if your mum doesn't mind why did you care what anyone else has to say?

LineRunner · 15/03/2013 18:36

Thanks for understanding, wordfactory and seriouscake.

The other stuff that's incredibly diffucult as a single parent, working, are the expectations that you can fit in everything that needs doing during the day: doctor's appointments, eye tests, dental visits, hospital appointments and clinics, vaccinations, school appointments... home repairs...

I never have any annual leave left over. And we couldn't afford a holiday anyway.

And I have aged 20 years in the last decade. This actually is me Grin

morethanpotatoprints · 15/03/2013 18:38

eaves

I too know people like this, who believe that material possessions are in fact a necessity. Its fair enough if they want to work for this, but then they say they have to work to survive..... NOT!

allnew

Tax credits aren't welfare benefits as you have to work to receive them. "Its your money, its got your name written on it" etc.

word
Do you know how offensive it is to insinuate or call a person thick. I do hope that your work does not have you in a position where you have to empathise, sympathise or indeed have anything to do with the public at large.

There are more people working p/t, some with several jobs. It doesn't take too much intelligence to work out that there are few jobs left for the unemployed, whether they choose/want to work or not.

SirChenjin · 15/03/2013 18:38

Haven't read the whole thread Wink but if the OP plans to live with her mum and be supported by her and her exP, then I don't see an issue. I think the judging starts when someone voluntarily takes themselves out the workplace and then claims benefits when they could be working.

allnewtaketwo · 15/03/2013 18:41

Your tax credit amount will be increased due to the fact that you don't work. Otherwise household income would be higher and your tax credit award would reduce.

It absolutely is a benefit. You are completely in denial. As are free prescriptions. Presume you don't claim child benefit either???

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