To ask if people judge single mums for not working?

[PigsCanSoar]

I have a 11 m/o, and am a 22 year old single mum. I have handed in my notice to work now, as I don't feel he is ready to be left yet. He has always been very clingy, he will happily go off and play with anyone if I am there, but as soon as I leave the room he will just cry and cry.
He is also still breastfeeding every 2-3 hours, and ideally I would like to let him self wean up until 2.

I have no doubts about this being best for DS, and am planning to stay with him until 2 then look for a job again, but I just feel a bit anxious about actually telling people this, as since he was born it seems to have been constant "so when are you going back to work then" off everyone.

I am very lucky to be back living with my mum, so money isn't much of an issue as this will just postpone moving out for a bit.
So there's no necessity to leave him before he's ready, but I just feel like I'll look "lazy" for not going back yet.

You need to develop a thicker skin OP. I've had people judge me, and it used to upset me. Often it's people who are intelligent, and yet they still don't seem to grasp that your earning potential is less than theirs or that you have more children than they do.... or less help with childcare. Honestly, people JUDGE before they think, and you can't MAKE them think. So tune them out. And I say this as somebody who has struggled (a lot) with being judged. I think I'm finally getting through that though.

I didn't have to use nursery,wasn't compelled by circumstance.i chose to do so

Im not that old, and it wasn't unusual in my day for mothers to go back to work after their youngest went to secondary,

I hope to god I don't have to wait this long, There is nothing wrong with raising your kids,

Although OP one day soon you may pray to god you could go to work and hav e adult interaction aswell as earning money.

And I'll be honest every single venomous 'SAHP' are lazy people I've ever met, either didn't have kids or did and weren't very good at it, and lashing out and people who handle being at home nurturing a child better than they did is a transparent act.
(dons hard hat)

eaves people do take the piss.. I have a neighbour who has NINE children and both parents dont work. Thats taking the piss. I would say some of the hostility come form the simple fact..why should I pay for the children you cant afford

Like I have said SAHM is wonderful for the child if its available - i will too be one in a few weeks time when my little bubba arrives- My DH will be the sole provider as he earns just over the thresh hold for tax credits.

When I had my DD when i was 16 i too was benefits,single parent mother but i went to college and sorted my self out, i didnt carry on like it was my god given right to carry on having children and expecting every one else to pay for them.

I wonder to what extent that people who are pro stay at home and claim till your hearts desire are actually those people....

I would also hazard a guess that these people are the same people that complain that foreigners are taking all our jobs

crawling legally wrong on some cases no.. morally YES!

AND actually my hat goes off to single parent mums/dads that work to support there child/children

It depends, am I ( workiNg mother paying child care almost to the amount of my salary) supporting your benefits? Then yes I judge. If you or family are supporting you then n I don't.

One thing is absolutely certain from this thread; there is no appetite to provide benefits so that parents can stay at home...

So when this government remove them, which they will, no one will kick up much of a fuss.

but you have to earn good money to be able to make it worth your while working when you have 2 kids. I'd be lucky to earn a tenner an hour and childcare is going to be at least 8.

you can judge away, but the maths still don't work out.

...... also, people always judge the mothers! never the fathers who don't contriute, or don't contribute enough. I have said to people that it's my x's actions or lack thereof that had me on benefits for years. (not on them now) But still it's been a long old climb back up to ground zero.

shr0 I suspect that given half a chance this government will ensure you will be better off...by reducing benefits to bone and knuckle levels.

i even said to one woman, years ago, well, I'm the provider and the carer. my x is providing neither of these roles, so if you'dlike his address you can go and judge him if you like.... she didsn't seem to have the same fire in her belly to judge a man who who earned a good salary but paid no maintenance! twaz all my shame apparently! children are still a woman's problem when the chips are down.

Sir chinjin - it wasn't a sweeping generalisation, I was talking about a handful of people who I personally know and make comments on me being a SAHM. I am well aware for a lot of families two working parents are needed.

It's all about choice, it's fine to work full time, part time or not at all. We all make the best choice for our families and ourselves. What I do object to is making nasty comments to people who have made choices that are different to your own.

I think the OP is making the best choice for her child and herself at the moment but has to realise the implications of that choice going forward.

The person I feel hostility to is the father of her child if he has just fathered a child, left and is not contributing a penny to that child's upbringing. Unfortunately I know far too many men who have done that.

^^^ ^^

God bless those who work and get robbed pay taxes to support the economy. Other wise we would have no NHS , no safety nets ect ........

I agree with SK - everybody I know who has returned to work could have struggled by as a SAHM with just their DP's wage if they'd really wanted to. I can't think of anybody who has returned to work literally in order to keep a roof over their family's head. What a lot of people see as necessary expenses - holidays, cars, gadgets, home improvements, haircuts - they go to work for. Fine. Other families decide to muddle by on the bare minimum so that one parent can stay at home. Also fine. And when there is only one parent, society should support that parent to have that choice too. Which thankfully, at the moment, it does.

I think that if you have kids then you ( be that yourself or your OH/DH) should work to pay for them.

I could give up work when we have children, because my husband would support us. As it happens I am quiting work next week and DH and I are moving, so he will be supporting me until I get a new job.

Do not have childre if YOU can not afford to care for them. It pisses me off that some people have no sense of shame about sponging, when they had a perfectly good job!

Well, I'm in Ireland, but christ things have got tight here. I think unfortunately our politicians look at David Cameron and introduce some of his measures, but we have no structured childcare, no medical care, a shorter school day, but our politicians make cuts with the preamble about what's done in Britainn! so, thanks david cameron ..... Anyway, I'm not on benefits any more but it was a hard trap to climb out of. Really. It was.. it's NO joke having a low earning potential, beign solely responsible for two kids, recession, and dealing with everythinng, and being reminded on a daily basis by politicians and the media what a scrounging drain you are on society.

What used to sicken me as well was when luckier mothers would judge me, ie, the mother up thread who says all her salary goes in childcare. so, she knows how expensive childcare is... but still jduges a single mother for struggling to make it all come together. that attitude is very depressing.

in my view, no mother shoudl judge another mother if she hand on heart, honest look at the finances, couldn't hold it all together on her own. By that I mean that if she couldn't run a household on her own, as a single person with children, then please don't dare judge a single mother for being unable to run a household on her own without support from social welfare. It makes no sense mothers / women should be more supportive of each other. judging a woman for basically suffering the financial repercussions of having no husband is absolutely dickensian. i can't believe that this attitude still exists.

@ pigscansoar i despair at myself here, still defending myself. I don't need to. I shouldn't. But it had an impact on my self esteem I think.

I got through it and you will too, but it's not easy. My children are older now. eldest will start secondary next year. So thankfully it's getting easier. long old road though.

word

Lol, my economics hasn't done us much harm so far [grin. My dd despite her only being 9, seems to have a good understanding of economics. Childcare at a cost of more than you can earn is not viable.
Not everything that gives a good return to beat inflation involves money in the hand/ bank after initial investment.
The ability to manage the economics of my household and family is fine for me thanks.
Finally, I don't know the ins and outs of the welfare system and I don't claim any benefits as I am not available to seek employment

Well you certainly need to understand that work and money are not finite so by not taking a job, you are not in any way helping the economy or other families.

This is basic.

As for benefits - I understood you were claiming tax credits. You seem well informed on such matters.

So potato,how you plan to deal with the selfish adults who have two jobs
What will you do to help those unfortunately unemployed,whilst others selfishly hog two jobs?

I think its a little crazy right now. I thought in the past that it would be easy to jack work in as then I could have a restful life at home, but am glad I didnt now as a lot of people now that I know that did that cant find any work.

At the minute most companies arent interested if you have a gap in your cv and you are against mums that have kept going/single people with no gaps. There are hardly any jobs out there so think very wisely before you quit.

comments on this thread prove that unfortunately majority of people STILL don't getit.

a couple is a team. they can assign roles as it suits their family best. either carer and earner, or two earners + outgoings for childcarer. a single person isn't a team and doesn't have that option. it's only ever going to be one earner PLUS OUTGOINGS (for childcarer). clearly a lot of people just don't seem to grasp that when they race to judge.

Also, comments about not having children if you can't afford them, so stupid, sure don't 1 in 3 marriages end in divorce now. it's such a myth that there are millions of women getting pregnant as some sort of career.

and if you met me in person i bet you'd all be lovely to my face, oh we don't mean YOU, no no no, we mean those other ghastly single mothers, you know the ones. But judgements, lazy assumptions, they pave the way for cuts whcih make people's lives very difficult.

That's the issue chesty

People are urging the OP to give up work and claim benefits seemingly in denial that a. the benefits system is being decimated and b. the job market is appalling.

I mean, really. Are people so shortsighted?

I will say back when I had dc1 and other mums stayed at home on benefits, and said 'oh its so hard staying home with the baby' it did used to annoy me. However now everything in our town is closing and I have a secure job, and they cant get interviews at all even for waitressing or shop work I am glad I kept going.

How many of those agreeing yes give up work,precious moments etc are single mums?
I suspect a fair few are in fact with partners,the wage slave,and aren't single mum about to claim benefits

word Are people so shortsighted? it appears so.