Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if people judge single mums for not working?

776 replies

PigsCanSoar · 14/03/2013 22:56

I have a 11 m/o, and am a 22 year old single mum. I have handed in my notice to work now, as I don't feel he is ready to be left yet. He has always been very clingy, he will happily go off and play with anyone if I am there, but as soon as I leave the room he will just cry and cry.
He is also still breastfeeding every 2-3 hours, and ideally I would like to let him self wean up until 2.

I have no doubts about this being best for DS, and am planning to stay with him until 2 then look for a job again, but I just feel a bit anxious about actually telling people this, as since he was born it seems to have been constant "so when are you going back to work then" off everyone.

I am very lucky to be back living with my mum, so money isn't much of an issue as this will just postpone moving out for a bit.
So there's no necessity to leave him before he's ready, but I just feel like I'll look "lazy" for not going back yet.

OP posts:
TheSecondComing · 15/03/2013 16:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Crawling · 15/03/2013 16:14

I wouldn't judge and I wouldn't judge if you claim benefits adrenal your doing nothing legally wrong and the government have decided to put a system in place for single mums.

As for people saying their taxes shouldn't pay for it you don't get a choice and if all single mums got up and worked you wouldn't pay less tax.

morethanpotatoprints · 15/03/2013 16:16

serious

Having a child is no one else's responsibility than the mother AND fathers

I totally agree and its about time something is done about making absent parents pay for their dc. Some people including myself take your comment literally and are solely responsible for our dc. But then we are called names, because we receive money for doing this. Would you have given it back?

Did you refuse your CB? If its a tax assumption, there are many sahp's who have indeed paid many years of tax, some at HR.

If you think it would be so lovely to receive tax credits, give up work and claim then?

The government aren't clawing anything back. All they are saying is that to keep benefit if you are able, you need to be available to to seek work whilst your dc are at school. There are no jobs like this, so where will the money come from?

I know where, from the poor, disabled, carers, long term unemployed who may have good reasons why they can't find work.

BlahBlahBlahhh · 15/03/2013 16:18

I've not had time to read through people's comments but in answer to your question I have to say I do judge people in general that don't work. I know I will get flamed for this, sorry but it's my honest opinion. I breast fed both of my children and in both cases found it very difficult having to go back to working. I have been working nights for the past 13 years to fit around DH's job and to be there for my children. My DS's were 14 weeks and 6 months when I went back. I did not have the luxury of deciding if I wanted to or not (benefits would not even enter my mind).

Crawling · 15/03/2013 16:21

That's fine blahblah but be aware some people judge working mums for not caring for their child themselves. So it seems you can't avoid being judged. So just ignore and judging op.

Viviennemary · 15/03/2013 16:24

I'm not in favour of unlimited benefits for people choosing not to work. I am in favour of benefits for people in need or who can't work. Why do people think others should pay for them. The people paying for them might be on very very low wages themselves. And paying tax. The tax threshold should be raised to £15,000 a year.

morethanpotatoprints · 15/03/2013 16:26

Blah.

That was your choice though, as you would have been entitled to tax credits, which contrary to what many people presume, is not a benefit.
Some people choose to be a sahp, its their choice too.
If I had gone to work, dh and I would have had 2 claims for tax credits instead of the one we have. Ha, perhaps many are right and we should all be working and claiming benefit.

BlahBlahBlahhh · 15/03/2013 16:30

Crawling...I am not generally a judgy person and am generally very liberal...maybe I am a bit jealous of people who have the option wether to work or not. Unfortunately not everyone has that option and some people such as myself don't see benefits as a way out of their responsibilities.

allnewtaketwo · 15/03/2013 16:36

Morethan, how are you solely responsible for your children when your partner gives you half his salary?

allnewtaketwo · 15/03/2013 16:38

Of course tax credits are a benefit

You wouldn't get "2 sets of tax credits" if you worked. You'd have to suit one joint claim and it would be reduced to take account of the higher household income

BlahBlahBlahhh · 15/03/2013 16:38

I don't think I was/am entitled to tax credits

eavesdropping · 15/03/2013 16:41

A single parent who chooses to care for their 11 month old baby themselves rather than working and putting it into childcare isn't "playing house" or "taking the piss". What a vile post.

I am honestly aghast at some of the attitudes on here. Where does this level of hostility towards fellow parents come from? I find it hard to believe that it's all completely borne out of concern for the economy - I wonder to what extent jealousy and guilt comes into it for some posters?

FasterStronger · 15/03/2013 16:41

morethan

this bit is right perhaps many are right and we should all be working

not this bit and claiming benefit

sweetkitty · 15/03/2013 16:42

Pigs - I'm a SAHM and have never regretted it, the job I did could not be done part time and I did not want to leave a baby 13 hours a day 5 days a week. We moved to a cheaper area of the country and I became a SAHM.

However, the downside is my career is dead in the water. Ideally I would have worked 2 days a week.

One of my friends left her abusive husband with her 2 DC, she upped her hours at work but between organising childcare and paying nursery fees she was run ragged and got so stressed she gave up work, she had more money and none of the stress, to her it was a no brainier.

I would look into taking a career break or studying part time so you at least have something to show for your time off so to speak, is part time an option?

BlahBlahBlahhh · 15/03/2013 16:46

People that judge working mums only do so IMO to justify themselves not Contributing to their childs upbringing financially. My children do not suffer for me working, they benefit as my salary pays for all the extra curricular activities they enjoy and the holidays I help to provide for.

scottishmummy · 15/03/2013 16:46

Potato,given you think two working adults is selfish explain how youd relinquish one of the jobs to give to the unemployed?
You disputed you're not housewife asserting you work with wages?now you're clarifying you in fact have allowance from dp
Do elaborate on your thoughts about 2adults working=selfish and your plan to redistribute jobs

sweetkitty · 15/03/2013 16:50

I don't judge working mums, every family situation is different and we all make choices for our families.

I do sometimes get annoyed when people say "it's alright for you SK you don't have to work" yes I know I am lucky but these are usually people with 2 new cars in the drive, foreign holidays, designer clothes etc we don't have these things as we've chosen to have me at home instead. They could be SAHMs they just don't want to downsize their lifestyle which is fine I have no problem with it at all just don't try say you work as you cannot afford not to.

If you want to work fine, if you don't also fine.

sweetkitty · 15/03/2013 16:52

DP does not give me an allowance, he works for our families money. If I worked a substantial amount of both our wages would go on childcare, we don't outsource the childcare we keep it inhouse (for now).

scottishmummy · 15/03/2013 16:54

I'm more than happy to outsource at minimum wage,more money for me

morethanpotatoprints · 15/03/2013 16:57

Blah.

Everybody is different though and just because you don't work and receive TC or benefits doesn't mean you are finding a way out of your responsibilities. There are many reasons why people choose not to work. The money they receive is not equivalent to an income so they are not gaining anywhere near the amount that 2 parents working can gain. I didn't work because it wasn't economically viable for my family, because I don't believe in child care for my family, because I had other things to do, and because I like being a sahp plus many other benefits I could think of.

Phosphene · 15/03/2013 16:58

So what do you do when things don't work out with your mother and you can't support yourself financially without a job?

scottishmummy · 15/03/2013 17:00

Potato,care to elaborate on the 2working adults is selfish or was it off cuff remark
Do you genuinely believe that,if so what would your solution be?redistribute jobs

sweetkitty · 15/03/2013 17:01

Scottishmummy - I have four DC there would be no money left for me Grin truth be told I just didn't want to leave my babies but was in a lucky enough position that I didn't have to.

Being a single mum would have changed that completely though.

SirChenjin · 15/03/2013 17:02

Wow SK - bit of a sweeping generalisation to say that people who choose to work normally have 2 cars, foreign holidays and designer clothes ShockFamilies where both families work do so for many, many reasons - and designer clothes/holidays abroad are often way down the list. It's not simply a case of 'downsizing their lifestyle' and then living on the wage that another adult is bringing in - for many again, 2 wages is necessary to get by. What an overly simplistic attitude you have.

wordfactory · 15/03/2013 17:03

morethan having read your comments about the fact that is selfish for two parents to take two jobs, and how pension funds grow...please promise me that it is your DH's responsibility and not yours to educate your DD about economics!!!!!

Seriously, it's fine to have strong feelings about being a SAHM and knowing the ins and outs of the welfare system to ensure you can do what you want...that's your business....but for the love of God, please ducate yourself about basic economics. My 13 year olds understand it better than you do.

Swipe left for the next trending thread