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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if anyone went back to work after DCs simply because they prefer it to staying at home?

94 replies

Mylittlepuds · 14/03/2013 14:13

Is this a taboo? Do you feel obligated to say it's for the money?

I'm at a bit if a crossroads. Have a gorgeous toddler (biased) who I stayed off with for a year and now another on the way. I am planning on staying off but perhaps for not as long - and may even consider then going back full time as an option. Just really interested to see what other people think.

OP posts:
MamaBear17 · 14/03/2013 19:32

I missed being at work whilst on mat leave. I went back 4 days a week when dd was 9 months old. I felt terribly guilty, and mostly because I enjoyed being a working mum more than being a sahm and felt that I shouldnt. DD was a planned and desperately wanted baby, I felt bad that I loved my job. She loves nursery so that makes things a little easier. I try to appease my guilt by trying to make our time together count. Im lucky because me and hubby are teachers so take it in turns to pick dd up at 3.45 so we get a nice chunk of time with her before bedtime. I think motherhood is 90% guilt anyway.

scottishmummy · 14/03/2013 19:37

Never been housewife,but was bored and under stimulated on mat leave
Don't need took for money,wouldnt be in penury without it
Work because I want to,because I like it

bigkidsdidit · 14/03/2013 19:45

I did. I adore my job (scientist) and I'm good at it and I'm not giving it up even though we could live without the money. And I find holidays etc very trying and I rely too mych on cbeebies etc; working (FT but flexibly) means I am a much better mother. DH works part time and I am very flexible and pick DS up early every day and he goes to a wonderful childminder; I honestly, truly believe that in our particular situation with our personalities this is better for him than me being at home.

Mat leave #2 starts in 11 weeks and I am very apprehensive!

VisualiseAHorse · 14/03/2013 19:46

I'm finding this thread very educational! I'm a SAHM just now (LO is 10.5 months), no plans to go back to work full time yet, and we'll probably start trying for the next one soon. I am child-minding 2-3 days a week at the moment, which is more than enough, and I'm lucky enough to do it at home too. Doesn't really feel like work because it's only one extra child who is very easy to look after!

gladyoucame · 14/03/2013 19:47

I was a SAHM for 4 years for various reasons (made redundant whilst pregnant, had 2 babies close together, moved twice and renovated a house). Went back to work ft 6 mths ago and it's the best thing I ever did. I love my children but I'm so much better when I feel fulfilled (for me this is work), happier and feel more able to give 100% to children when I'm with them. I feel guilty every now and then but I am so so so much happier its worth the stress re childcare/work/illness etc. Feel it's a bit taboo in some circles to admit I'm not desperate to be at home with the kids.

scottishmummy · 14/03/2013 19:51

Taboo maybe because we are supposed to be guilt ridden if apart from child?
Because the precious moments crew always chirruping on how fulfilled they are?
Return to work is against grain of martyr mummies competitive giving things up

PrincessOfChina · 14/03/2013 19:53

I work full time as I love my job and my workplace and could not feel as fulfilled or even vaguely sane if I stayed at home.

DD has been in nursery full time since 10 months and seems to have come to no great harm so far. I think I am a much better mother for being away from her, I almost climbed the walls during mat leave and lost a lot of confidence.

It's definitely a bit of a taboo to say that though. When I describe my feelings I often get told that they're refreshing and people don't think many people are so honest.

scottishmummy · 14/03/2013 19:58

Housewife once said to me,with Sadhead tilted,was shame I wasn't at sport day
asked her if her dp going?oh no he's at work.asked if she thought was shame
No!he has to work.clearly men work v important.women work dreadful im. Absent

LivingThings · 14/03/2013 19:59

I went back part time to protect my job and continue paying in to pension. Plus it gives me adult sanity time and something other than kids i can talk to DH about. I have worked for 25 years prior to having children and just feel its a little piece of me im not willing to give up so easily. We are out of pocket by about £15 a day with me working to work so its definitely not for the money!!

Snazzynewyear · 14/03/2013 20:02

I love my job and was keen to get back to it. I think there is definitely a stronger sense of going back FT being taboo - I was asked about that by a few people. Of course dads rarely get asked if they will be going PT, or whether they feel terribly guilty leaving their child - of course some do, but the assumption is that they can and should just get on with their working lives as normal whereas mums will accept that things have to be different. Women deserve to have adult lives and fulfilling jobs (if they want them) just as much as men so why not go back FT if you want to?

lotsofcheese · 14/03/2013 20:03

I would always choose to work. I haven't spent 20 years getting to the top of my profession to throw it all away - I would never get back in again at this level if I did. I enjoy my job & it's an important part of my identity. I want to be a good role model for my children & bring them up to be independent & self-sufficient.

I'd hate to be a SAHM - was glad to get back to work after maternity leave! I'd also hate to be F/T - I think that's incredibly difficult unless you/DP have flexible working or good family support nearby. Neither applies in my case. Part-time has worked well for me, although I had to battle for it.

DP's employment has been shaky since we had DS & he was made redundant at one point. We could not have managed without my employment/salary.

I would always choose to work: if we were in a better financial position I'd continue working & just have better childcare eg nanny.

Flojobunny · 14/03/2013 20:07

I went back to work, not for the money, but for my own sanity.
As a single parent I needed to get out the house and see other adults.
Now DC2 is 4 and starting school this year, I often wonder if I will regret it.

pointythings · 14/03/2013 20:07

I was 50/50 - I was the higher earner so had to, but I also very much wanted to - I was getting cabin fever by the time my DDs were 4 months. I agree with those posters who do not wish to be financially dependent on a man, having seen a friend of mine encouraged by her 'D'H to be a SAHM, have a second child, then to have him leave her for a younger, child-free version.

I also agree that I am a better mother because I work - more patient, more appreciative of my DDs, more filled with the wonder of them than I would have been had I been a SAHM - that was just how it was for me.

Ragwort · 14/03/2013 20:09

No.

I love being 'at home' Hmm - not because I think I am a great mum - I don't particularly even like being a 'mother' but because my self esteem is not bound up in being in paid employment. I am involved in a huge range of voluntary work, all sorts of different areas - youth work/church work/fund raising/social work type projects/marketing/publicity/HR - I can use all the skills I have learned over the years but on my terms - no one is telling me what to do/where to be/how to do it Grin.

I don't spend my time 'at home' - I am out and about in the community. Smile

scottishmummy · 14/03/2013 20:11

I've worked hard or career and qualifications I'd not relinquish that because I'm parent
I'd also never chose to be financially dependent/reliant upon a man.too precarious
But work. Is about approbation,vocation not just the money.I like working

scarlettsmummy2 · 14/03/2013 20:15

I went back part time and we could just about afford for me to stay at home, but I like the mental stimulation of work and like not having to really worry about treating myself and my children. I also have a really nice work life balance so the positives outweigh the negatives.

Anifrangapani · 14/03/2013 20:16

Working keeps me sane. I am not a very good parent. My husband on the otherhand is very good at it.

Ragwort · 14/03/2013 20:41

scottishmummy - genuine question, not trying to be sarcastic, I have followed your comments over many years on Mumsnet.

Are you looking forward to retiring? What do you plan to do when you don't 'work for money'? If you were financially independent (ie: not relying on anyone else) would you choose to remain in paid employment or could you not imagine using your skills and experience in other areas, but not for the 'financial reward'

Original poster
Mylittlepuds · 14/03/2013 20:52

Ahh well I'm glad I started this thread. I've always loved my job and being a career woman but after having DS I felt it was the 'right thing' to stay off for the year. As it turned out I suffered terribly from post natal anxiety and probably needed the time to regain sanity rather than anything else.

I went back PT which has worked for me but I'm now on mat leave for baby #2 due v soon and feel like I'm staring into an abyss. I ADORE my DS. Absolutely adore him - but I find the SAHM thing very hard going. Not at all in the physical sense but in the hate-TV-and-sitting-in-living-room-sense. We get out once a day at least but it's to a toddler group in which my spirited toddler ends up causing havoc. This is the day's highlight Smile

I am going to really try and enjoy my time off with the new baby and my DS but I then think I'm going to have to take a serious look at my life. There are absolutely magical parts of the day - how couldn't there be with your own child learning something new etc? But for the most part I find it tough mentally.

This isn't me trying to justify anything but I have recently been thinking that DS might actually be better off in a nursery now he's a bit older - he's so confident and active and interested in other kids. I wonder if staying in a living room 75% of the day is ideal. It'll be more once DC2 arrives I'd guess.

Since experiencing life as a SAHM through mat leave i've always had a hunch that the money thing was often a red herring - so the honesty on this thread is refreshing. Thank you!

OP posts:
Snazzynewyear · 14/03/2013 20:56

OP, my DS has had a great time at nursery. It's often talked about as if it's a terrible ordeal but it's really been terrific for him. It is an excellent nursery. Look for a really good one and your DS will probably love it.

Original poster
Mylittlepuds · 14/03/2013 21:05

Thanks Snazzy - if they don't send him back that is Smile. Sent him and DH to a toddler group today and DH came back white after 30 mins. Ha!

OP posts:
pointythings · 14/03/2013 21:46

Ragwort sorry for the hijack, but you raise some very interesting points about the things that give life meaning. I've thought about this - what would I do if I won the Lottery tomorrow and didn't need to work?

The answer is that I'd resign - but I'd immediately go back to my organisation and ask to do voluntary work for them (this would be very possible) because I love what I do so much. I am very lucky in that I am passionate about what I do (IT support for mental health research) because mental illness has affected various members of my family over the years and my work feels as if I'm putting something back.

I had my children in the early Noughties, and at that point having two in full time nursery ate up 65% of my salary. These days it would be 98% (and I earn more now) so I do feel that mothers these days have harder choices to make as to whether working is worthwhile.

GirlOutNumbered · 14/03/2013 21:50

pointy my DH said the exact same thing tonight. We concluded that we would extend the house, so we are happy where we live. My DH would give up work and try to become an artist and I said I would have to keep a job, but maybe just go more part time.

scottishmummy · 14/03/2013 22:03

I don't work solely for money it's not my sole motivator.work is vocational and I like challenge
My emphasis isnt work for money,but I like the security salaried career gives
Would I work if I were lottery transformed?yes

Retirement?hee hee deal with that when it comes around, good while yet though

Snazzynewyear · 14/03/2013 22:16

I would do that too pointythings. I have often thought I would say to work I'd carry on working for nothing as long as I got decent office space and maybe more time off every year Smile. Having said that, I think I will also enjoy retirement because then I will have time to myself, to study more, to travel etc.