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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if anyone went back to work after DCs simply because they prefer it to staying at home?

94 replies

Mylittlepuds · 14/03/2013 14:13

Is this a taboo? Do you feel obligated to say it's for the money?

I'm at a bit if a crossroads. Have a gorgeous toddler (biased) who I stayed off with for a year and now another on the way. I am planning on staying off but perhaps for not as long - and may even consider then going back full time as an option. Just really interested to see what other people think.

OP posts:

meddie · 14/03/2013 15:15

Went back to work FT when my son was 5 weeks old (had to stop bf too) Had no real choice. Was in the middle of my training and mat leave was 18 weeks only then. Had to leave at 29 weeks as GP wouldnt give me a note to work longer. Son was 2 weeks late so had 5 weeks only with him.

seaweedhead · 14/03/2013 15:21

Yes, I went back to work part time because I like having a job. We are marginally better off financially for me working, but we could get by comfortably without it.
I think having a job makes me a better mother, because by the time I finish work for the week I'm looking forward to spending time with my children. If I'm at home with them full time I get grouchy and struggle to find the motivation to play with them, engage them in activities, take them out etc.
I also like having my money paid into my account every month- DP is a good man but I'd hate to have to consult him every time I wanted to buy something for myself. I don't think he'd like it that way either.

Maebe · 14/03/2013 15:24

I went back f/t when DD was 9mo. I knew I wasn't cut out to be a SAHM. I like work, I've worked damn hard to get that job. I think in an ideal world I would have preferred p/t or 4 days a week while she was little but this isn't an ideal world, my company would never have allowed me to go p/t, and we sort of needed the money.

I hadn't entirely thought of it in terms of being financially independent, but then again the thought of relying on DP for everything wasn't tempting.

I don't think going back to work is seen as taboo, nearly every woman I know with kids at the moment has at least gone back p/t. The few women who haven't gone back at all are seen as more unusual around here, especially the one who is now obviously reliant on her DH for money and there seems to be an emerging old-fashioned (and seemingly not entirely healthy) set up emerging in her marriage.

I think going back f/t, though, is seen as more taboo. The only other mums I know who have gone back f/t are either teachers, which seems a little more practical on a daily basis, or who either work shifts themselves of have a DH who works shifts. I think families who have DC and then both go back to work f/t and have the DC in childcare or with a nanny a long time are very much frowned upon (not by me, but it's an impression I get).

Original poster

Mylittlepuds · 14/03/2013 15:35

Sorry I should have made clear in my OP - I do mean is it taboo to go back FT if money's not an issue?

OP posts:

MummytoMog · 14/03/2013 15:46

I absolutely had to go back to work after six months both times. I was gagging to get back after about four, but couldn't justify it given I was being paid to stay at home and still breastfeeding both times. I would think seriously about not working if it wasn't cost effective, but I much prefer working than not. Would be nice to be able to do a four day week, but I don't think I'd want to spend any more time than that at home. I'd be a horrible SAHM, I was bad enough by the end of mat leave, even with all the BFing hormones sloshing about.

badguider · 14/03/2013 15:50

Hmm... I think that a lot of people (most?) think working PT is the 'best of both worlds' so while I don't think choosing to go back FT out of choice is 'taboo' I do think that women who do may find themselves doing more justification.

AnyFucker · 14/03/2013 16:12

I felt no guilt whatsoever at going back to work

PenelopeChipShop · 14/03/2013 16:33

I've literally just been to a meeting at work about going back. Financially we could manage on just DH's salary just about but I would still prefer to go back. I worked hard for so many years to get to my level in quite a competitive, popular industry so it just feels crazy to throw that away. Unfortunately it looks as though I may be made redundant though.

PenelopeChipShop · 14/03/2013 16:34

Should have said am on my first mat leave now. DS is 8 months.

janey68 · 14/03/2013 16:48

After dc1, I went back to work fairly quickly. Financially it was a necessity at that point, but I also think it was in many ways a blessing in disguise. If I'd had the financial option of not working, I may have been tempted to take it, because being totally honest, I do think there can be an unspoken pressure sometimes on the mother to be at home and also, being completely frank, I think those first few months back at work are bloody tough, and staying home would have seemed like the easier option. As a WOHP you are still doing pretty much everything a parent does, looking after the home, cooking, cleaning, getting up in the night to wakeful baby...

However, by the time we had dc2, childcare costs were the equivalent of my income, so financially I may as well have stopped working, but I knew by then it would be a really bad long term move. I felt I was a far better parent for not being home 24/7, and I knew I was keeping that important foothold on the career ladder.

So - to answer your question: a bit of both really. I worked first of all because we needed the money, but it rapidly turned into something I realised was the best option for us all

Oblomov · 14/03/2013 16:51

Just sen latest post, so can't answer on the ft bit, becasue haven't worked ft since children, always pt. BUT, yes i think its a taboo. It's like you must be non maternal if you want to go back. And I didn't go back for the money, or because I didn't like relying on dh, or because i have a fab career. It was just because I wanted to. Being at work its the only time i get a bit of me time, to drink cups of tea, without beign interrupted every 5 minutes with 'muuuuuuuuuuuum'.
But actually I think it is very taboo. I do say, 'well actually i like workign p/t and it's not for the money'. And all the mum's who just can't get enough of their kids, look horrified.

Grumpla · 14/03/2013 16:54

Being a SAHM would not suit me. I love my job too much and I would never feel "safe" relying on DH for money - he has an extremely unreliable income where he can earn thousands one week and nothing for the rest of the month. Plus if he broke his leg or something he wouldn't be able to work - self employed - and we would be absolutely fucked.

I love my children but a tough day at work is a walk in the park compared to a tough walk in the park with them

HollyBerryBush · 14/03/2013 16:56

I did - I was itching to get back after 6 weeks - in fact I did start temping on teh side after 6 weeks, 3 hours a day before I went back to my real job, after 4 months. I just couldnt hack it at home any longer.

I never made any bones about why I went back. But I was in an environment that discoraged all that paren ing malarky so it was the norn

ChoudeBruxelles · 14/03/2013 16:56

I had to go back to work for the money but even if I didn't need to I could not have spent all day every day ds. I went back when ds was 6 months - made me a better mum IMO as I then enjoyed he two days I had by myself with him

lemonstartree · 14/03/2013 17:00

If I could I would work PT. I always worked and have always been the main breadwinner. I think my kids need me mush more at home now - 9-15 than they did as babies and I do regret that this is not feasible now...

I could never have been a FT SAHM; i do not have the patience and we could not have afforded it. If I am honest though, I look at my SIL who is a SAHM and her kids are wonderful, because she is a fantastic SAHM.... if I could have been I think it would have been better...

Mrsrobertduvall · 14/03/2013 17:03

I went back to work when ds was 5. Term time only and 30 hours a week so fits in perfectly.
We don't need my salary in terms of paying bills etc but it buys the extras.
And keeps me sane.

edwinbear · 14/03/2013 17:06

I went back to work 3 days a week after ds and 4 days a week after dd. I increased my days after dd purely because I like being at work and found being at home with young children soul destroying. We don't need my income, although of course the extra money is nice and I like being financially independent. I am quite open about the fact that I would rather stick pins in my eyes than be at home with young children full time.

binger · 14/03/2013 17:19

I was a sahm mum for 2 years. Started back at work as I was bored silly. I really hated it.

TremoloGreen · 14/03/2013 17:22

Taboo?
Take it the baby's father has gone back to work. Did anyone question his decision and motives?
I think you should do what you want.

GirlOutNumbered · 14/03/2013 17:24

I didn't think I wanted to go back, but I actually think my mind is starting to melt. There is more to life than the nursery run and walks to the park.

Sorry DC's, I don't think its personal!

CinnabarRed · 14/03/2013 17:26

I'm another who went back to work FT because I love my job, and because I'm a better mother for not being with my children 24/7.

Actually, DH is in many ways a better parent than I. He's much more patient with the DCs, and when he's with them devotes his attention to them without feeling the need to get the chores done too.

worsestershiresauce · 14/03/2013 17:30

My best friend went back to work full time after her twins, because she knew she would be a better mum for it. She loves her boys beyond anything, but is someone who has always had a high powered career and needs that side of life for her sanity. Evenings and weekends she is 100% mummy, but work days she is Ms career lady. Her kids are lovely and balanced, as is she. If she was stuck at home 24/7 she would be stressed out and miserable, and no one in the family would be even remotely balanced.

Don't feel guilty about wanting to return to work, and don't let anyone else guilt trip you about it either. What is right for you is right for your family as you will be a happier more relaxed mum.

tallulah · 14/03/2013 17:40

I went back to work when my DC were 4.5, 3 and 1. It wasn't strictly "back" to work, because not the same job I left, and was 20 hours over 5 afternoons per week. I also had a weekend/ occasional evenings waitressing job.

Being a SAHM meant DH working long hours as a delivery driver and I soon found that in a choice between being alone with 3 small children for the biggest proportion of my waking hours, or have him work less and me go out to work, that was the best option. Hated that job, but hated being at home more.

RevoltingPeasant · 14/03/2013 18:55

I don't have DC yet but when we do (I hope soon!!!) there is not a a real option for me NOT to go back f/t -- and I'm actually really glad to have the choice taken away from me, as it's what I'd really prefer, I think. In so far as you can know before you have DC, of course.

I am working v hard to try to get a promotion within the next year and if that comes off, it would mean DH could go p/t and look after DC a couple of days a week. I am hoping that happens as I think it'd ideal for a baby not to be in nursery f/t, but I wouldn't be able to go p/t in my role.

I think you are right that people judge mums for this. A close friend went back when her DD was 5.5 mos, f/t, and she said her HV couldn't believe that she really wasn't going to be at home on a Weds morning, or couldn't 'just pop in' to the GP's or whatever. Friend said it really showed how ingrained the perception is that OF COURSE a mum with a baby will at home.

Feelingood · 14/03/2013 19:04

This thread is refreshing, I'm a SAHM most days are ok but there is a ground hog feel to it. I study pt it keeps me sane.

I feel Guilty if I moan, and dont to working friends.

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