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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be annoyed that my ILs cannot/will not say my name properly?

98 replies

HappyAsEyeAm · 12/03/2013 17:22

I have a Welsh name. It isn't long - just two syllables. I am Welsh, but live in the SE now. Coincidentally my MIL is also Welsh. My ILs and SILs live nearby. All of 'my side' of my family still live in Wales.

DH and I have been together for 11 years, married for 6. Until we got engaged, ILs always said my name wrong, and to start off with, I corrected them (quite shyly, I suppose - for some reason, I was embarrassed that they were getting it wrong), but then I stopped. When we got engaged, DH and I decided that our parents should meet. They hadn't met before because each set of parents lives 250 miles from the other. In advance of that, I said to DH (DP as he was then) something along the lines of "please would you tell your parents how to say my name properly, because my parents are going to think it is very strange when they meet that your parents are mispronouncing my name". DH happened to see his parents that night, said about it and that was that.

Right. DH has always called me by a shortened version of my full name. So, he just says the first syllable. Since he had that conversation with them, they (and SILs) have all called me by this shortened name. I don't like the shortened name. I would never call myself it, and all of my side of the family and my friends call me by my full name.

At our wedding, when we said our vows, DH and I of course said my full name. Cue lots of DH's side of the family (but not SILs and ILs) apologising to me afterwards for saying my name wrongly, but they were only "saying it the way ILs said it". Fair enough!

AIBU to be annoyed that my ILs and SILs (and now SILs' partners) will not use my proper name? I feel that its laziness that they won't try and say it properly, and even though I don't like DH using the shortened version, I sort of see it as a pet name he has for me now. I don't know why they can't take their cue from my parents and from me, saying my name 'properly' as they have met my parents loads and loads since (especially now that we have DC and spend time together as an extended family). I am waaaaaaay to embarrassed to bring it up with them though

OP posts:

HugAndRoll · 12/03/2013 21:05

Angharad? Someone in work is called angharad and you should hear how that's butchered. (I am in Wales but people from all over ring us).

letseatgrandma · 12/03/2013 21:05

How do you pronounce Gwenan then?

OP-if your DH calles you by a shortened version of your name and you have never told your in-laws that it's ok for him but not for them, how on earth would they know!? Stop telling your DH to have a word with them and just speak to them yourself!

HugAndRoll · 12/03/2013 21:09

I've got it! You're cerian they called you Ceri Anne and you're now just Ceri? ignores how annoying I'm being

TooManyDicksOnTheDancefloor · 12/03/2013 21:10

Is it Bronwen? My dd2 is called Bronwen but my IL's call her Bron-WIN. It drives me nuts! I correct them all the time but they seem to think that they can't say it correctly because of their Essex accent.

letseatgrandma · 12/03/2013 21:12

I really need to know what the name is though! Can you tell us what it rhymes with, OP? My money is also on Megan/Meegan. Is it something that has two clear ways to pronounce which is why your DH's family were confused at your wedding?

I'd get your DH to call you your full name from now on especially as you don't even like the shortened version. It's probably going to be tricky for them to remember the correct pronounciation for a while though, as you've let it go on for so many years without telling them!

Pilgit · 12/03/2013 21:13

YANBU!! people always mispronounce my sirname. I don't generally correct just pronounce properly. I get then accused of being pretentious or questioned tha i've spelt it right. it's my name. i think i know how to say and spell it!

MidnightMasquerader · 12/03/2013 21:26

Not sure where the OP's gone, but...

I get the impression you're looking for a magic answer from us in terms of how to fix this, but there isn't one.

If your DH calls you by a pet name that you only like him using and not them, then in order for you to get them to stop using it, you will have to ask them.

Which I know isn't easy. I definitely probably wouldn't be able to do it myself because I'm a people-pleasing, confrontation-avoider! So I would simply have to make my peace with seething internally and futilely every time they used it. Until the end of time. Or until I combusted from the ulcer it created; whichever came first.

Looks like these are your only options as well, unfortunately. :(

jollygoose · 12/03/2013 22:44

My MIL decided she did not like my name (Heather) so she decided she would call me Erica which is the latin name for Heather instead. I just found it mildly annoying and I never answered to it anyway.

AnAirOfHope · 12/03/2013 23:08

I will namechange after this!

My name is Angharad I live in England. For the first 6 months ILs called me Gary because they couldnt be aresed to learn how to say my name as their Yorkshire
Gary is the name of my dead Uncle so they shortened my name to Ann. When I married dp now dh I have the same shorten verson of my MIL and she has even signed things on my behalf without telling me.

Its shit but I still like my name and get lots of comments on it.

pigsDOfly · 12/03/2013 23:10

One of my daughter's name consists of 5 letters and has 3 syllables and is pronounced as it's spelled. Pretty easy really, except people always add letters that it doesn't have iuswim - this usually happens with people asking for her on the phone who are reading it, so it's probably new to them. But no matter how many times you correct them they still go on pronouncing their own way.

Very frustrating.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 12/03/2013 23:15

I often get called by Dhs first wife's name by my ILs or there is a long gap while they flounder. The funny thing is we've been together for 13 years and married for 11. He was only with her a couple of years and the ILs and her didnt even get on

custardismyhamster · 12/03/2013 23:17

OP how should we pronounce your (lovely!) name? I'm Yorkshire but want to know (and won't do it wrong!)

Cezella · 13/03/2013 00:02

OP I think we've got the same name! I'm fluent Welsh and a lot of what you're saying rings true for me too! Haha... Maybe!

Also- Heulwen isn't Hile-wen its more like Hail-wen. Haul is Hile- Heul is Hail.

StuntGirl · 13/03/2013 01:49

If we ever had a girl I wanted to name her Bronwyn but my partner has completely, utterly vetoed it :(

WhileMyKidsPaGentlySleeps · 13/03/2013 08:09

Large parts of my DH's family routinely refer to me by the name of the ex-wife of one of his cousins - she was the family black sheep who ran off with the builder who was doing their loft conversion.

Her name starts with the same letter as my actual name, but that's about it really. I just let them get on with it. I find it's always nice (especially where ILs are concerned) to have the opportunity to secretly feel a bit superior.

LadyPessaryPam · 13/03/2013 08:18

My bet is on Glenys/Glynis mix up.
Could be worse though, could become Gladys.

milkymocha · 13/03/2013 08:26

Tell us OP!!!!!!!

Original poster

HappyAsEyeAm · 13/03/2013 09:05

Lots of replies! Sorry not to have been back earlier.

I really don'tw ant to say my name as its just that bit too much personal detail though it may have already been guessed.

I've been thinking about is some more in the context of your replies. As I said, I don't really like DH using the shortened name. Its just that I've got used to it over 11 years, and now I sort of feel affectionately towards it. Its just that I would never use the shortened version myself or actively encourage anyone else to use it. I get what you're saying about them adopting the same name though.

I think my issue isn't completely that they use the same shortened pet name that DH uses. I think its that, for 5 years they said it wrong (until DH had The Conversation about it with them), and, rather than say it properly from then on, I feel that they've taken the lazy way out and adopted the shortened name because that way they don't have to make an effort to say my name the way I say it.

Which, as I've said before, isn't an awkward way for non Welsh speakers/people (I don't, and none of my family speak Welsh themselves) to say it - its short with two syllables and no Welsh sounds. Its not that they have a different accent (I love accents!) - they're just saying it wrong. I also insist that the DC are called by their full names and not shortened versions of their names, and I told ILs when we were all discussing baby names when I was pregnant that I don't like names being shortened. I don't think they're getting how that impacts on how they say my name though. They don't know anyone else with my name, so they haven't got any conceptions as to how to say it or how not to say it. I think this is partly why I struggle with them saying it wrong.

And I do try and get the pronounciation into conversations with ILs eg I can recount to them a conversation I have had with someone else and say something like " ... and they said, [insert my name], shall we meet at the park tomorrow? ..." and, what with that and my family saying my name as they do, ILs will have heard it said that way, in the context of it being my name, loads. But I don't think they're doing it in a nasty way, God, I hope not. I really don't think so though. they're not nasty. Self absorbed and thoughtless at times, but they're nice people.

But moving on, maybe I will ask DH to have a word. Awkward, awkward. Maybe I will ask DH to use my full name instead and hope they pick up on it. I am waaaaaay too embarrassed to say anything to them or to SILs or their partners. I am a people pleaser and hate confrontation.

OP posts:

Thumbwitch · 13/03/2013 10:07

Can you tell them that the first syllable of your name is swearing in some outlandish language and you really don't like it to be used on its own?

Talk to your DH first and foremost. If you're going to ask everyone else to stop calling you by the first syllable only, then I think you're going to have to include him too.

Original poster

HappyAsEyeAm · 13/03/2013 11:16

You're right Thumb - I'm going to have to get DH on board and pray that everyone else takes the hint. Otherwise I'm just going to get myself into more of a tizzy about it. ILs have taken to writing the abbreviated form of my name on cards that they send to me/us too, so I'm not sure they are really going to take the hint very easily.

OP posts:

schoolgovernor · 13/03/2013 11:49

You could be my sister. I think she's resigned to her in-laws shortening her name, but we in her family always use it in full.
I rang her at work recently, asked for her by name and the receptionist tried to correct me by saying "XXX??" in heavy tones and with the incorrect pronunciation. I told her that as her sister I thought I knew the correct pronunciation of her name by now and maybe in future the receptionist would be polite enough to use it. Apparently I am now a bit of a legend in the office.

Thumbwitch · 13/03/2013 11:57

Oh well done schoolgovernor!

When I registered for University, I had a conversation with the registrar that went like this:
Her: So you're Thumbwatch
Me: Thumbwitch
Her: yes, that's what I said, Thumbwatch
Me: no, it's ThumbwItch, not watch.
Her: Are you sure?

I mean FFS! As if I didn't know how to spell/pronounce my own bloody name!

Original poster

HappyAsEyeAm · 13/03/2013 11:57

school I would love you to be my sister. Problem solved!

OP posts:

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