Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To cancel this appointment and be mad at DH

57 replies

dentistdilemma · 12/03/2013 17:05

I have namechanged for this thread as I am seriously pissed off with my DH and want to vent without revealing who I am. Apologies in advance for the long post but I want to explain exactly what happened so I can get a clear verdict.

Well it all started with the checkup at the dentist I had last week. I am a SAHM (ds is 6 months) so needed someone to look after him whilst I had my checkup. I dont know many other mums in the area and the only one I did know I felt a bit cheeky asking her for help because she has 2 dcs under 5 to look after and is expecting so I thought it might be too much hassle for her especially since ds is a bit high maintenance. Anyway I asked my mum to come over from another city (about 45 minutes away) to watch ds for me and to visit us at the same time which she was happy to do. When I told my DH about my arrangement with my mum he thought I was a bit out of order dragging her so far just to watch ds for a short checkup and said I should pay for her train ticket at least. My mum came, I had my appointment, she watched ds, I forced her to accept money for the train ticket and we had lunch together. It all went smoothly.

Whilst at my checkup the dentist asked me to book another appointment for today at 1.30pm as I had to get a filling done. When I told DH he offered to come home during his lunch break to watch ds for the half hour my appointment was booked for. We dont live far from his work so this is doable but takes precise coordination. I was doubtful he could do it so I kept double checking all last week that he knew the day and time, if he wanted me to change the timing to something more convenient for him etc. I also gave him chances to opt out by offering to ask my mum instead or my friend nearby to watch ds for me (my repetitive checking will be explained later). He kept reassuring me that it was fine and he could make it home in time for my appointment.

It wasnt fine and he didnt make it on time. This morning he warned me to be ready when he got back so that he could drop me on time. He then changed plans and told me to meet him at the station in town (parking his car there). When I called him at 1.25 he was still on the way and said he would be five minutes. I called the dentists and told them I would be 5 minutes late. When I called him again after 5 mins he was still on the way. Then around 1.41 I called the dentists to explain the situation and to ask whether they would still see me. They asked how late I would be to which I couldnt give an answer and told me they might still see me but I might have to wait for my appointment which I couldnt do because dh needed to get back to work. In the end I apologised and rearranged the appointment for the following week. As soon as I hung up, dh called to say he was outside the dentists (?). This was at 1.45. I told him I had already cancelled the appointment. He told me to call back and say I changed my mind. But I told him that I was at the station so by the time I walked to the dentists (about 5 minutes away) then I would be 20 minutes late so would only have 10 minutes left of my appointment. At this point DH got quite huffy with me and we ended the phone call with me saying thanks for nothing. He texted me after this to say he would never ever do this again. I asked him what did you do? You just proved that as usual I cant rely on you for anything even with ds now in the picture.

The reason why I kept double checking with him last week is because he has a tendency to let me down when it comes to things like this (being at a certain place for a certain time, doing things that I have asked him to do for me on time) so I just jumped to the conclusion that he was again being unreliable and so I cancelled my appointment. I know when he comes home from work this is going to kick off and he is going to say that I should have gone to my appointment since he was already there and I had 15 minutes left but I didnt want to go in late and face that embarassment especially since I had actually got there on time but was late because of him. Besides could she really have done a filling in 15 minutes.

So after my long (probably boring) rant, mn jury was IBU to cancel my appointment so quickly? Should I have just waited for him and gone to my appointment even though I was probably going to be 20 minutes late? Or was he BU to be pissed off at me when he was the one who was late even though he had left work to come and watch ds for me?

OP posts:

MrsVJDay · 12/03/2013 17:12

YANBU. I hate this - and the worse part is feeling like you can't complain cos they are 'doing you a favour'!

WorraLiberty · 12/03/2013 17:13

I can see both sides of this really

I'm not sure I would have cancelled so quickly but I can see why you did.

However, I don't see how it was ever really going to work anyway considering how many dentists are always running late.

Theirs is not the sort of job they can time by the minute...in case the patient before you takes longer than expected. Therefore it's reasonable imo to expect to wait at least 20 mins to be seen.

I really would ask your Mum again next time.

PurpleCrutches · 12/03/2013 17:14

YANBU. I would have cancelled as well.

I'd be asking why he didn't just follow the original plan? By faffing around and going here, there and everywhere he just ended up making you even more late.

Sounds like he was making things more difficult when they really didn't need to be.

fififrog · 12/03/2013 17:15

Given he didn't even go to the right place, YANBU. He could have backed out. You can't keep someone hanging on forever.

Though, FWIW my dentist keeps telling me to bring DD (is she mad??? She has a toddler too) though I said yeah yeah and brought my mum along.

Also FWIW I had a fillings in 10 mins so yes, it is possible (admittedly it was a replacement of a crappy and very expensive plastic one that an evil private dentist conned me into rather than a new one)

PedlarsSpanner · 12/03/2013 17:15

Seriously a 6 month old baby is fine to be parked up by you in the corner of the consulting room. They are at their most portable.

Shutupanddrive · 12/03/2013 17:17

Could you not have taken DS with you? He could sit in pushchair/carseat? I usually take both of mine to the dentist with me when I go

mynewpassion · 12/03/2013 17:18

No one is unreasonable. Dentists will likely be delayed and something could pop up last minute at your husband workplace. Its such a short window.

DeepRedBetty · 12/03/2013 17:19

This was never going to work, as dentists/doctors are on schedule only about a quarter of the time in my experience. What was he planning to do when dentist was running late?

You were right to cancel, there's no way you could have a filling done in a fifteen minute slot.

LIZS · 12/03/2013 17:19

I used to take dc in with me - even took baby car seat along for ds after he'd outgrown using it so he could be somewhere safe. If you really need him to watch ds then have an appointment first thing.

annh · 12/03/2013 17:20

You did not jump to the conclusion that he was being unreliable - he was unreliable, he was late and didn't even turn up in the right place! There was no point in going to your appointment because you still had 15 mins left, it was a 30 min appointment for a reason, because that was the amount of time the dentist needed!

In this particular case however, I am slightly wondering why you didn't just take your son to the appointment. I would certainly have taken him to the check-up which is probably only 10 mins? At 6 months, he is not mobile so there is no danger of him pulling anything apart or climbing on your knee.

I simply wouldn't bother asking him in future for help with anything like this.

SpicyPear · 12/03/2013 17:21

YWNBU in cancelling the appointment in those circs, but YWBU in relying on him to meet such a tight schedule when he has form for being late etc.

UnbridledPositivity · 12/03/2013 17:21

It's rubbish. No doubt he'll find a reason to make it all your fault.
Why don't you take DS with you? He might be happy having a cuddle while you're in the chair. Definitely take him for check ups - my dentist recommends this to get children used to things.

Original poster

dentistdilemma · 12/03/2013 17:23

Pedlar, thanks for reminding me. I forgot to add that the reason why I didnt take ds in with me (who was asleep in the buggy at the time) was because this dental practice doesnt have a lift and the actual examining room is on the second floor. So I didnt want to risk dragging the buggy with ds in it up two flights of stairs.

OP posts:

Costypop · 12/03/2013 17:23

I would of taken ds with me. I've always taken my ds to various appointments over the years. Never had any problem but to be honest I have been lucky as he's a very good boy. Some little ones I can understand why there mums don't want too. But at 6months I'd give it a go

Pandemoniaa · 12/03/2013 17:23

Given the amount of faffing around and being in the wrong place I think I'd have cancelled in your circumstances. Although at 6 months, I'd have probably taken my ds with me.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 12/03/2013 17:23

Not sure to be honest wrt to cancelling the appointment, as whenever I have been to the dentist I have never ever got in at the time of my appointment and there has always been a long wait (usually half an hour over appointment time).

I would, however, be hugely pissed off with him for being unreliable. You had offered to ask your mum and other options and he had confirmed that he was available and willing to help out. He didn't. He let you down. That would seriously piss me off.

YANBU to be mad at him.

He should be apologetic.

Also, to add, I NEVER turn up to appointments late. I hate being late for anything as I think it is just plain rude, so I would have been beside myself if I thought I was going to be so late for the appointment (even though I know that they wouldn't be seeing me for half an hour or so anyway!).

AKissIsNotAContract · 12/03/2013 17:23

I'm a dentist and never have a problem with people bringing babies to their appts. Toddlers are more tricky but even then I've had situations where I've enlisted a spare nurse or receptionist to help watch the toddler so trt can be done.

starfishmummy · 12/03/2013 17:24

Agree with Pedlar - park the baby in the corner of the consulting room. Or the receptionist may help - where I go the receptionists love keeping an eye on a baby!!

verytellytubby · 12/03/2013 17:25

I would have taken my 6 month old to the dentist. I had my one year twins strapped in a buggy when I got my coil fitted

CurlyhairedAssassin · 12/03/2013 17:26

I think I would have taken the baby into the appointment and waited for dh to come in and take over. 15 mins is not awfully late and after explaining the situation the dentist might have been able to start with your baby in the room with you.

That said, your stress levels would have been high cos of him being late and so I would have had a go at him when he arrived!!

OrWellyAnn · 12/03/2013 17:28

Yanbu. Repeated lateness and unreliabiity is something which chips away at you in a long term relationship. If you are the sort of person who always makes the effort not to do this to others it will be an issue for you and he should be taking that into account.

...However equally if he is the sort of person for whom this is not an issue then you need to take his feelings into consideration too. So you half Abu. You need to find a way together to compromise before it wrecks your relationship.

DH and i had this issue. It was almost a deal breaker at times. We both felt we were in the right because we were unwilling to understand or empathise with one another and we argued about it a lot. I have had to chill out and accept that this is who DH is and if I love him I need to accept it and try and work round it. He has had to realise that it makes me stressed and anxious and meet me halfway for the same reasons. We don't always manage it, but we are getting better. I personally would have chosen someone else to help out on this occasion, it was doomed to failure from the get go with a time constraint like that.

flossy101 · 12/03/2013 17:28

I can see why you are annoyed.

However, I would have just taken DS with me, sit in his pram in the corner with a toy?

quesadilla · 12/03/2013 17:28

My DH is exactly like this too and it drives me insane. You can't win: if you rely on him without checking he invariably will be late or forget, if you check and give directions you are being controlling. It apparently doesn't cross his mind that someone has to do a bit of controlling because the other person won't. And then you are made to feel ungrateful. GRRRRRRR.

MarianForrester · 12/03/2013 17:29

I think YAB a bit U.

Not so much about your DH, but I really don't see why you couldn't take ds with you?

I don't have anyone nearby, and DH works f/t, so just had to take dcs with me for appointments;still do for dentist, we all go together.

And six months and not mobile is perfect for taking around to these things, much worse when they can move

Startail · 12/03/2013 17:30

I've always taken DDs with me to the dentist. Not restful with fiddler crab DD1 I have to admit.

I gave up asking DH to sports day because he turned up as it finished twice. He's only slightly better at parents evenings etc.

I'm afraid it is rocket science being where you should be when you should be. At least if your male. Loads of Working mums are all on time at school, self employed dad is always late.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread